Disappointed about baptism, please make me feel better

[CorrieFan86]

My baby is being baptised tomorrow. We wanted to have a small affair, (as me and DH have massive families and if we invited all our aunts, uncles and cousins it would run to 150 people), it then ended up being a smaller guest list than we even intended, as the few friends we invited already had holidays booked on that date, and my Nan has just told us she can’t come as she’s unwell. Oh well, none of that can be helped. But what I am really disappointed about is:

DH’s siblings not coming. He is French, so they live in France, so obviously it’s a long way to come and costly, BUT, they are very close as a family, and ever since me and DH started living together we have been going to France on average 3-5 times a year every year - even during Covid when there was a 2-week quarantine after every trip, we still went. I’ve been to cousins’ weddings, Christenings, birthdays, funerals, every other Christmas, every other Easter, every single summer, and more, to see his family. I don’t think DH himself has ever missed a single event, as sometimes he goes on his own if there are a few events close together. And yet they couldn’t even come for our daughter’s baptism. Even if the siblings came on their own, without their kids and spouses, it would be cheaper and easier for them, but no, not even that. (They all earn considerably more than us).

But what I’m really the most disappointed about is the two godparents. One of them lives 4 hours away, and informed us 2 Days ago that he is driving here and back on the same day, so will go straight to the church, and then will have time to come back to ours for a quick cup of tea and then will have to leave after 45 minutes.

The other used to live near us but very recently got a new job, also 4 hours away. So I assumed she would stay with her parents for this weekend, but she told me this morning she will ALSO be leaving very soon after the ceremony to get back for work on Monday, and “will have to see” if she has time to come back to ours after the ceremony. So she might actually just come for the ceremony and then leave straight after.

I just feel so down about the whole thing. Like we made a mistake in who we chose as godparents. I just feel like my gorgeous happy little baby deserves a bit more effort than this. My mum and MIL have spent all afternoon preparing food for a buffet and I’ve got a cake, but at this rate it might just be me, DH and our parents eating it all 🙁

Please make me feel better.

@CorrieFan86
Congratulations on the new baby. Unfortunately , people have busy lives with multiple demands, and often times those multiple and conflicting responsibilities get in the way.

None of this is a reflection on your daughter and what she deserves. Things just happen when they happen.

You and your partner could make multiple trips to France because you were free and unencumbered. Now that you have a child, it won't be nearly so easy to get up and go.

You will have other times to have a party and to show off your baby. Perhaps, now is the time to focus on the Baptism and whatever significance that has in your daughter's life.

First time parents are always so fixated on the newness of it all that they forget that some of these events may not be at the top of everyone's priority list. You husband's siblings may find it easier to plan to travel over the holidays when they can spend more time or over summer vacation. Maybe you can plan to go to France for Xmas. The family will be just as pleased to meet your daughter then as they would have been on a weekend pop over.

Enjoy your party regardless of the number in attendance. Your baby certainly won't be counting.

I agree with previous poster. You’re so in love with your daughter (naturally) that you are not really considering that the godparents have work and commitments and actually an 8 hour round trip by both parties is definitely making an effort!

It's really different your DH going back to his home country for things and someone coming to a different country. I mean any excuse to go home, right?

That doesn't reflect any importance other than the importance of home.

It's a Sacrament.

That doesn't mean YABU in being disappointed in family not coming, but when it comes down to it, you're ensuring your child is part of your Church, not using it as a handy excuse for more presents/party, aren't you?

Disclaimer: Atheist

Isn't marriage one too? But we'd all be pissed off if our siblings didn't some to that if asked.

Mooncup is right. I can understand it's upsetting that there won't be many people/much of a do, but try and focus your thoughts on the meaning of the actual ceremony and it maybe won't matter so much.

It's actually pretty good that the Godparents are both driving for eight hours effectively just for the ceremony. There's not much in it for them but they're still doing it.

I think some would, others wouldn't. Some might even cancel it altogether if x person doesn't attend or can only be there for a short time. But like you said, it's a sacrament, so the important thing for somebody religious would be that they were getting married - there's a whole swathe of MN that say weddings should be just two people, witnesses and in their jeans and trainers.

The godparents are going to be there for the actual important bit. That's what matters. That those who are there are bringing your child before the lord.

Exactly this I would reframe it OP that they are coming especially to perform their duties even if they can't hang around for cake - so they are taking it very seriously.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

I think when an event requires a reasonable amount of travel particularly for an event that itself won't last very long,most people will use a priority scale of their own to determine the need to go. A wedding might be close to the top , a Baptismal ceremony might be much closer to the bottom.

For this event, it might have been much wiser to invite family members who lived close by and could come without much travel, lodging ,etc being required. Family members who are further away will have ample opportunity to see the baby at more convenient times.

I wouldn't expect family to attend from afar. Your church family will be there.

I guess it depends how they see it. When my daughter was baptised, her godmother turned up for the ceremony and had a cuppa with us at home, then had to go - she had a newborn baby of her own. But she's been the most wonderful, conscientious godmother.

I agree with a PP that both of these people sound to be making quite a big effort.

Ach look it's a Baptism...it's not a fun event or important to anyone other than parents, sorry to be harsh.
Think the Godparents are making a monumental effort actually.

Your church family will be there As will the people who have promised to support her in her faith journey, the buffet afterwards is mere frippery.

People have busy lives, your child will not remember any of this and even if she could why does she deserve more?

It is not a popularity contest

In our church there's no room for a massive christening sorry.

This is supposed to be about your dd being welcomed into the church; not about a party. I'd focus on your priorities here.

Jesus forgives

OP - are you a regular church-goer or is this just something you are doing for tradition?

Marriage is a civil and legal event too. That does make a difference for many people in how significant it is seen, rightly or wrongly.

I'm a Christian (Catholic) and I think baptism in the Holy spirit is great reason to rejoice. Congratulations. Don't worry about family unable to come.

I think you had it in your head that it would be a huge occasion, which you felt your child and you all should get because it’s so big for you but unfortunately life does this sometimes- one of my sons has the worst luck with birthdays, he’s either sick or other people are sick/working etc. his brother, same month, always ends up lots of people turning up or sending packages etc and we always try to fix it the following year/ a few weeks later but sometimes these things don’t work out. We still make sure he has a great day, which you can too x

I think an eight hour round trip is an amazing amount of effort! That’s a huge amount of driving (and not cheap). They must really want to be there to be doing that!

Agree. You should focus on this, OP.

And make sure that they know how much you appreciate it. I’d be really pissed off if I made that much effort to go to the important bit of the baptism (ie the actual baptism) and the got guilt tripped about not staying for the cake.

So both godparents are driving an eight hour round trip to be there for the baptism? That sounds pretty good commitment. I am sorry you won't have quite the celebration you had hoped for afterwards. But it is the sacrament that is the part that really matters, and they will be there for that.

Possible trigger alert.

I have been present for more emergency christenings/baptisms than planned ones. Situations where the baby is seriously ill, or actively dying. And with all the add ons removed, with no outfits or balloons or parties, with no extended family and friends, but just desperate hope, and despairing faith, it is still an amazingly powerful sacrament. A moment when an infant is embraced by their faith community. Believe me, this will still be a very special day.