Day drinking

[Lorzzz]

Do you think you have the right to get pissed off with your partner drinking in the house at 3 o’clock in the day? Im not a controlling kind of person who has rules in place for everyone but I don’t like it in front of my children. An older teen and a pre teen. I like to have a drink at night as much as anyone else but not every night and definitely not during the day for no reason. I’ve had this conversation with him before because after an hour or so you will know he has drink in him and I don’t want that in front of my children or am I being a bit OTT??

You are minimising your own feelings now that they have been uncovered.

You have adapted your behaviour (not allowing friends over) because you are ashamed.

No one needs to feel ashamed in their own home.

An alcoholic is one 24/7. They are either moody, quiet/sullen when hungover and plotting their next drink - so they consumed and self focused. Or they are drunk and slurring. Both states are not available for a relationship.

Its your home and your rules for your DC childhood.

Of course they sense the unpleasantness and your anxiety and distress in the house.

Alcoholism is a a progressive disease - I suggest that is why his previous relationships ended and it will continue to progress and his life deteriorates - socially, career wise, health and financially.

Are you going to continue enabling and propping up this deteriorating mess in your home at the expense of your DCs own childhood and future MH and emotional well-being.

You will not find one adult child of an alcoholic or any agency that will agree with you that this is having no impact on your DCs.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. If you carry on like this with this man you will likely not have any sort of a relationship with your then adult children. They will leave home sooner rather than later and will not want to see either of you readily if at all. They will view this as you putting this man before them.

This is not an occasional day drink, it is problem drinking which starts in the afternoon and goes on all day. And instead of being open to discussion, he just goes on the attack if you are not comfortable. Get out - he may be lovely but he has an alcohol problem.

@AttilaTheMeerkat the kids get on well with him. They are typical teenagers though (one preteen) so spending time with their own friends is the most important thing to them at the moment but they do get on with him. I always ask them how they are coping since the separation a few years ago and I’ve told them on numerous occasions that if they ever had a problem with my partner, he would be gone. Their own dad is still very active in their lives so my partner doesn’t do any parenting when it comes to the kids. He leaves that up to us.

It very much depends if you want to normalise alcoholism for your children. If he isn't willing to sort this out himself or doesn't recognise this is a problem then you will not be able to change his behaviour. He needs to want it for himself.

BTW kids notice everything. They may choose to turn a blind eye to keep the peace but you can be sure they are aware.

They get on with him because they do not want to see you upset and they also have nothing really to do with him.

What factors are preventing you from giving this man his marching orders?. Your love which is really codependency for him?. Your rescuing and or saving tendencies?.

What are you getting out of this relationship that for you is still worth having?.

Tbh it's more worrying they aren't bothered by how much he drinks, especially in the daytime, as it means that him having a can in his hand as much as he does has been normalised to them.

If they genuinely aren't bothered by it, it means they think it's a normal way for adults to behave.

Normal for a bloke to be glassy eyed and chatting shit to the extent their mum doesn't want visitors because she's ashamed of him.

Normal for a bloke to be giving their mum the silent treatment, which always creates a horrible atmosphere in a home even if you don't think they notice.

They think this is all normal now.

It's really sad and completely unfair on them.

It very much depends if you want to normalise alcoholism for your children.

exactly @Acornsoup and as @monsteramunch describes.

I expect they are as ashamed as you are of the slobbering, scurrying, glassy eyed, moody slob not to have their friends over.....not surprised they have already chosen to socialise elsewhere.

How can you shag this drunken slob?

You say you would tell him to leave if the children asked you to?
You are the parent.
Protect the children, without them asking.
Can you see how inappropriate that is?

You are in denial, and so is he.
Put yourself first.
Put your children first.

Why put this nobody who is using your home like a park bench as the top priority?

As PP said, get your home, dignity, self respect and life back.