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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Day drinking

86 replies

Lorzzz · 21/10/2023 15:26

Do you think you have the right to get pissed off with your partner drinking in the house at 3 o’clock in the day? Im not a controlling kind of person who has rules in place for everyone but I don’t like it in front of my children. An older teen and a pre teen. I like to have a drink at night as much as anyone else but not every night and definitely not during the day for no reason. I’ve had this conversation with him before because after an hour or so you will know he has drink in him and I don’t want that in front of my children or am I being a bit OTT??

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 21/10/2023 16:07

If you can’t invite friends over because of his drinking you have a serious problem.What about your children it’s not a great example for them to see a drunk.I don’t think your heart will break.Have a serious talk and decide what you are prepared to accept and act on it.

Original poster
Lorzzz · 21/10/2023 16:09

@category12 it happens a lot. Most of the time I just hope the children won’t notice. He’s not horrible when he’s drinking he just sounds stupid like slurring his words and glassy eyed. He drinks 5 nights out of 7 and early at weekends

OP posts:
jolies1 · 21/10/2023 16:11

Agree with others - a drink of a weekend afternoon in itself is not an issue for me (often head out for lunch and a couple of glasses of wine or we might have a beer or G&T if watching the rugby this weekend for example, glass of wine with Sunday lunch) but not drinking solidly until 10pm or doing it every week. Likewise having “a drink” in front of kids not an issue - but heavy drinking would be.

Therealweld · 21/10/2023 16:14

He's giving you the silent treatment to entrain you to shut up about his drinking.

I grew up in this environment and im still trying to make peace with it 30 years later.

It sounds like he has a problem.

You could try Al Anon.
It will be affecting your children.

Mrsttcno1 · 21/10/2023 16:19

I’m a bit confused as you said it hasn’t happened during the day for awhile, but then have said you’re sick of seeing him “permanently” attached to his hand. Does this happen daily/every week or not? For me it would depend on the amount he’s drinking and the frequency. I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with having a drink while watching the match on a Saturday, loads of people do it, the only difference is that most people go to the pub to do that and he’s doing it in his home which I don’t really see that as an issue? The drinking most nights I think depends on the person, DH and I rarely drink in the house (never atm as I’m pregnant) and at a max we’d have an alcoholic drink 1 night a week either a friday or a saturday at the pub, but I know we have friends who drink in the house maybe 3 nights a week however they only have maybe 1/2 cans, it’s not like they’re drinking an entire crate or bottle of vodka each night.

category12 · 21/10/2023 16:20

Lorzzz · 21/10/2023 16:09

@category12 it happens a lot. Most of the time I just hope the children won’t notice. He’s not horrible when he’s drinking he just sounds stupid like slurring his words and glassy eyed. He drinks 5 nights out of 7 and early at weekends

That's a lot.

I think you should ask him to address his drinking problem or to move out.

The kids will notice and will lose respect for him (and you for putting up with it). Plus it's not a great example, especially for the older teen. Don't put them through what you saw happen with family and friends.

Alcohol problems are progressive, so it will get worse unless he's prepared to stop.

Original poster
Lorzzz · 21/10/2023 16:22

@Mrsttcno1 what I meant is I don’t think it has happened this early for a while. A while being a few weeks maybe but to be honest I’ve lost track of the times now because he seems to have a can in his hand most of the time.

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 21/10/2023 16:26

Yeah, that sounds a bit like I used to be.

I consider myself to have had a problem with alcohol, and I am much happier now I am sober.

It's sad but not surprising that he doesn't like you challenging it. People who drink too much rarely want to admit they have a problem or are doing anything unusual.

The best thing I would say would be for him to quite drinking, but is this something he would even consider? And would you be willing to quit too? In my experience it's difficult if not impossible to address issues with drinking unless both people in a relationship agree to quit. Some people may have a different experience but I think it's rare.

MammaTo · 21/10/2023 16:28

I think it’s all dependent on the situation. If he’s knocking back the ale and getting ratty and obnoxious infront of the kids then I wouldn’t like that.
But a few drinks watching the match/TV I don’t think is a big deal. Same as having a glass of wine with your Sunday dinner about 3-4pm, I don’t think it’s a big deal unless you’re ending up pissed or going out for more ale in the night.

Londonscallingme · 21/10/2023 16:30

Lorzzz · 21/10/2023 15:56

He will continue for as long as he’s able to. I feel bad now though because I don’t want to be a nag but I’ve seen so many people in my family and friends suffer because of alcoholism and I don’t want to go down that road. I couldn’t let a friend call a few weeks back because he had been drinking since 3 o’clock again and was well on it by 8 or 9 and I was a bit ashamed to let anyone call to be honest

This would definitely bother me. I’d say this is problematic drinking if you can’t let a friend call round at 8pm because your partner is too pissed.

Ragruggers · 21/10/2023 16:30

He has a serious drink problem and now you have the silent treatment.Are you prepared to live like this and your children do know don’t kid yourself..Are you happy with this level of alcohol if so let him get with it or if not tell him to leave.Your children don’t have a choice do they if their mothers boyfriend is a drinker.Please think about this.

Hayliebells · 21/10/2023 16:34

If he's regularly getting drunk (as in slurring his words), on random days at home alone rather than socially, I think it sounds like he does have a problem. When you've only been living together a year, and you have children, dealing with an alcoholic seems more trouble than it's worth. Could you live separately, but continue to see each other/support him? That's presuming he accepts he has a problem, but if he doesn't, it's probably best for you to split up.

FriendsDrinkBook · 21/10/2023 16:51

My dad always had a can in his hand when I was growing up. Looking back , his issues with alcohol shaped my childhood (and my adult relationship with booze) in many ways.

He has to leave , your kids will suffer if he stays.

SquirrelHash · 21/10/2023 17:06

Lorzzz · 21/10/2023 15:52

The silent treatment is nearly worse than the constant slugging back cans

This is why he's doing it.

Then he can do it without you saying anything at all.

Then you are the silent one.

Gloriously · 21/10/2023 17:28

Your DC deserve a better childhood than this lush slobbing around their home.

You deserve a better experience than the shame and hiding / collusion you are entrapped in.

I wonder why his previous terrible relationship ended........

Ship him out and reclaim your dignity, family life and social life.

Why are you propping up this drain on all your resources - financial, physical and emotional?

Dont do this to your DCs.

Bananalanacake · 21/10/2023 17:29

How long were you in a relationship before he moved in. What do your Dc think about sharing their home with him. Could you have a relationship but live separately, it is not your job to support him.

Ollifer · 21/10/2023 17:34

I love a drink and occasionally I've poured a glass at about 4pm and drunk it with dinner or whatever. Or I've come in from work at half five and poured a glass. But this isn't a very regular occurrence and he's drinking from about 3-10pm which is most of the day and he must be absolutely sozzled by the night time.

AgentJohnson · 21/10/2023 17:45

The time of day isn’t the issue, him drinking till he’s drunk frequently, is. His behaviour is a terrible role model for your children and he needs to go. This man is at best a problem drinker and at worst, an alcoholic. Prioritise your children.

porridgeisbae · 21/10/2023 18:04

Sounds like he's an alcoholic/has a drink problem. Sad

Worriednanof1 · 21/10/2023 18:18

mrsbyers · 21/10/2023 15:46

3pm is football time here , if I wasn’t here I have no doubt my husband would have a beer by now

Why can he not have a beer watching the game just because you are there?

ConnieTucker · 21/10/2023 18:23

Op, if you dont like him when he has been drinking, and ge is drinking 5 days out if 7, then what is it you would miss about him if you saw sense for your children and broke up? Would it be who he is, or who you want him to be that you'd miss?

DustyLee123 · 21/10/2023 18:31

What would your kids dad say about it ?

OliveToboogie · 21/10/2023 18:44

Sorry he sounds like he has a problem moderating his drinking. I say this as an alcoholic in recovery. If it is causing problems in family life then he has a problem. His drinking is controlling him not the other way around.

bonzaitree · 21/10/2023 19:04

How unattractive. He must stink.