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Original poster

Day drinking

86 replies

Lorzzz · 21/10/2023 15:26

Do you think you have the right to get pissed off with your partner drinking in the house at 3 o’clock in the day? Im not a controlling kind of person who has rules in place for everyone but I don’t like it in front of my children. An older teen and a pre teen. I like to have a drink at night as much as anyone else but not every night and definitely not during the day for no reason. I’ve had this conversation with him before because after an hour or so you will know he has drink in him and I don’t want that in front of my children or am I being a bit OTT??

OP posts:
PumkinPetra · 21/10/2023 20:52

How much does he drink on average a week?

Redruby2020 · 21/10/2023 21:05

Lorzzz · 21/10/2023 15:59

@CandyLeBonBon ya he was if I’m honest but I just put it down to both of us coming out of bad relationships and enjoying our ‘freedom’ but I was stupid to not put a stop to it back then. He’s just wonderful in every other way

But you can't put a stop to it personally, he has a problem.

This is something only he can change and he has to first admit/accept that he has a problem.

This is no way to live or try to have a relationship.

How can you ever do something or go somewhere, how would he be/what would he do because surely he would need to be drinking, therefore it takes over pretty much everything. Believe me I know I grew up with that crap. And my ex long term partner has a problem too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2023 21:20

This is already happening in front of your children.

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. Those are the 3cs of alcoholism.

Have you grown up seeing people in either your family or social circle who have problematic relationships with alcohol?. This man is another such person and deep down you know this too. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. He probably just about tolerates your kids and in his eyes you are convenient to him. You in turn are in a codependent relationship with him. He is certainly no role model for your kids to emulate and they likely wonder of you why you are with this man at all.

This relationship is furthermore going one way - downwards and fast.

Gloriously · 21/10/2023 21:38

He hasn’t ended up a problematic drinker / alcoholic over night.

Your DCs don’t need this nonsense in their home - as seems like their childhood has already been disrupted by family breakdown.

They have only one parent attuned to their emotional restoration and needs and they don’t need her distracted, preoccupied and hand-wringing in shame to cover up for the piss-head in their home.

You need to kick him out and pivot your energy and emotional focus back on your DCs - so that for these critical years, that will ultimately define their own long term MH future, they have the best chance - not the worst which is what they are enduring now.

Get help for yourself from Al Anon.

Well done for posting here and recognising that something is wrong. It is. Now look to the next step.

Bluela18 · 21/10/2023 23:43

I'd leave him be, the more you complain the more you will fall out which wont help anything. Is his 3 o'clock day drinking causing issues? Is he getting drunk later and causing issues? If he's simply just having a drink at that time, that's his choice . You could ask him not to do infront of kids. If there is an issue with alcohol, sometimes a kinder and supportive approach is helpful

monsteramunch · 21/10/2023 23:47

His behaviour is so embarrassing you're ashamed to let a friend visit, but you're allowing your children to live in the environment you're ashamed of? Come on OP, this is unfair on your kids. They deserve better than this.

They're witnessing problem drinking, the silent treatment and living with a mum who is choosing to make them live with someone who has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and also with their mum.

QueenBitch666 · 22/10/2023 00:40

He's a piss head. I certainly wouldn't tolerate his behaviour

Gloriously · 22/10/2023 10:23

@Lorzzz how are you doing? How did your afternoon / evening go? And how are you processing the responses to your Q on this thread?

Original poster
Lorzzz · 22/10/2023 11:13

@Gloriously not good. Still the same argument about yesterday. I’m at a loss as to what to do now. I’m being made to feel like I’m enforcing house rules and that he was only going to have a few cans while watching a match. I don’t know how to feel or whether I did make a mountain out of a molehill. I feel I should apologize if I did. He is making our lunch now and then leaving for the day apparently. I’m really not able for this drama at my age. I feel like crying but don’t want to. He isn’t even listening to what I have to say. I just want a happy house for my children. They don’t see or hear any of this as far as I’m aware. They are both very close to me and would say it if they did. My ex always made drinking at home out to be something only people with a problem would do and I think maybe I’ve been sort of brain washed into thinking that too. I just don’t know how to feel to be honest

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 22/10/2023 11:25

Why are you still making excuses for his drinking.You doubt yourself all the time.Are you happy to continue like this? Is this how you see your life because nothing is going to change you do know this.Either carry on with him drinking and you hating it never mind the children who have to live with himor tell hm you need your home back and l enjoy your children All the talking in the world is not going to change his drinking all it willdo is cause you unhappiness and stress.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2023 11:28

"I’m at a loss as to what to do now"

Why is this?. That is a genuine question. Your current partner has certainly given you spaghetti head.

Your children rely on you; you are their parent. This man you allowed into your home is not.

If you really do want a happy house for your children (as well as your own self) you are going to have to end your relationship with him. Your children in all likelihood know far more than you think, after all sound travels.

monsteramunch · 22/10/2023 11:29

I just want a happy house for my children. They don’t see or hear any of this as far as I’m aware. They are both very close to me and would say it if they did.

This is so naive.

You describe an unhealthy, unhappy, tense and toxic dynamic between you and your boyfriend.

Yet you think your kids don't notice any of the above?

It's not good enough tbh to think / hope they won't.

It's so bad you are too embarrassed to let a friend visit as your boyfriend has been drinking all day.

Yet your children are living in the same environment you're too ashamed to let a mate see:

Most of the time I just hope the children won’t notice. He’s not horrible when he’s drinking he just sounds stupid like slurring his words and glassy eyed.

You "just hope" they won't notice.

They will though. If they have eyes, they notice.

Don't you want more for them than living in this dynamic?

OhComeOnFFS · 22/10/2023 11:38

I wouldn't want that around my children either. A glass of wine or beer with lunch is one thing, but he just keeps going.

I really doubt he's brilliant in any other way if he's drinking so much. For one thing he'll be spending a lot. It affects his mood. He's not 'present' when he's drinking. He's setting a terrible example. He sulks when you say you want a different type of life.

FriendsDrinkBook · 22/10/2023 11:55

Protect your kids. It's as simple as that. All of this not knowing what to do is just delaying the inevitable.

I'm in my 40s and I still look back and wish that my mum had sent my dad packing. The shame I carried in order to hide his dirty little secret is still there somewhere. The neighbours knew , we all knew but you go on , day by day , pretending alcoholism is normal.

By the way , I left home young , because of my dad's behaviour , and I married an alcoholic.

Think about what you want for your kids.

porridgeisbae · 22/10/2023 12:00

My ex always made drinking at home out to be something only people with a problem would do and I think maybe I’ve been sort of brain washed into thinking that too.

@Lorzzz That's not what you have a problem with though. You have a problem with that this bloke is doing it too often and too excessively. You're not wrong about that.

RedHelenB · 22/10/2023 12:02

Lorzzz · 21/10/2023 15:38

And to add now he’s not speaking to me as he doesn’t like to be told what to do. Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.

I've always drunk in the day if I fancied it. I wouldn't want another adult telling me what to do.

RedHelenB · 22/10/2023 12:04

RedHelenB · 22/10/2023 12:02

I've always drunk in the day if I fancied it. I wouldn't want another adult telling me what to do.

Show quote history

Just seen he's a newish partner get rid, you're not compatible and if he isn't your dc dad then even less reason to stay living with him.

Lemonyfuckit · 22/10/2023 12:07

If it was some sort of celebration / special occasion - even just a nice lunch with friends or family then we would have some wine at lunch. Wouldn't just be sitting at home randomly drinking in the afternoon though whilst watching TV for example.

Pertangyangkipperbang · 22/10/2023 12:15

He's an alcoholic... he ( and you) might not think so.. but if he can't/ won't stop.. then he is one.. and definitely drinking like that in front of your kids is a big alarm.

ElleCapitaine · 22/10/2023 12:20

If someone had old you 5 years ago that you’d be letting your kids live with an alcoholic what would you have said?

porridgeisbae · 22/10/2023 12:29

Whatever you call it (though alkie/drink problem is right when he's doing it this much) it's scabby. Like one of the blokes you see walking around with a can of beer in their hand. You're allowed to rightly find it scabby and unappealing, and also not want it to this extent around your children.

You could tell him to either cut down/stop (with help if need be) or move out. If he chooses the drink over you then that says it all.

Inthemane · 22/10/2023 12:37

You mention he's making you feel bad about "house rules". It is absolutely fine to have rules, which are otherwise known as boundaries about behaviour which you will and will not tolerate in your house. It's not controlling to have boundaries in place - it shows good, healthy self-esteem.

Have a read about people pleasing - catnip for alcoholics. As previous posters have said, he wants to make you feel like your objections are wrong and his behaviour is fine so he can carry on doing the one thing that's most important to him - drinking alcohol.

Be prepared for counter-arguments like 'everyone does it' 'it's only a few...' and 'you're the one with the problem'. Silent treatment is intended to grind you down until you give in to keep the peace. It's not healthy and it's not your problem, it's his.

Get this man out of your children's space ASAP. They don't have a choice, you do.

Original poster
Lorzzz · 22/10/2023 12:42

Yes I do believe he has a problem even though he won’t admit it. He drinks most nights but not to the extent where he is passed out on the couch at all hours of the night. We are in bed most work nights for 10pm! He genuinely is a good person aside from the drinking. He works hard, he does his share around the house, he does most of the cooking, does all his own laundry and is very clean. He takes pride in his appearance. I rarely have to cook for him or clean up after him but it’s just come a certain time 5 nights out of 7 the cans come out. I’m sure he’s not the only person doing this and some people would have no problem with it when it’s not affecting work etc but I just don’t like it. I was brought up by a very conservative mother and I married a very conservative and judgemental man so maybe I have a biased view on drinking although I do think an argument still going on today over this does show there is a problem.

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 22/10/2023 12:54

I hate to burst your bubble op , but most alcoholics are functioning pretty well until the day that they are not. It's up to you if you want to be around for that , just know that you'll be mopping up after him.

Your kids don't get this choice though. They go where you put them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2023 12:55

Like practically all alcoholics he is in denial and denial is a powerful force. He may be a good person to you and does chores etc but his alcoholism cancels all that out. You do not seemingly say anywhere how he gets on with your children.