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Original poster

Moody partner

74 replies

Sleepingtingtang · 20/10/2023 21:49

Hi MN,

Been with partner 2 yrs and have just had a DS. He has always been moody, which I think stems from him being deeply insecure. When he is tired and/or stressed out with work, he will take extreme offence to things that he perceives as a slight (but not intended) and spends the whole night, if not days in a mood over something trivial.

At the beginning of our relationship, his moods would actually end up him screaming in my face, which I put a stop to after a while. I told him it was abuse and I didn’t want to be with him behaving like that. He showed remorse and agreed to go to counselling, on my insistence. But he stopped counselling after he felt like he wasn’t getting anywhere and I don’t think he told the counsellor the extent of what was going on.

Since then, his moods get out of hand every few months, which result in me asking him to leave as I can’t cope with how miserable, pathetic and life sucking these moods are. He usually stays in a hotel for a few days. We always sort it out, as he is sorry and we do get on overall (I do love him, but just feel at my wits end atm).

We have since had DS (12 weeks) and he is on his 2nd round of moods already. This week because I asked him to stand outside a shop with DS (in a pramsuit and in a carrier) because he was quite hot and I was worried. He said I was “sending him away” and he didn’t like it, so he was in a mood all the way home from the shops and the whole evening after. When I say moods, he won’t talk to me, walks behind me sulking and when I do ask him a question he muffles like a teenager.

I have tried ignoring it, which works, but he’ll then go in a mood shortly after he’s snapped out of it and I get so exasperated that I’ve been patient and he then throws it right back in my face, that I get angry at that. I’ve also tried the no tolerance approach but that ends up in an argument too.

I’m exhausted, I don’t want to be miserable like him and I know have a 3 month old to think about too. Does anyone have any practical advice?

Thanks in advance, sorry for the long post

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 20/10/2023 23:04

Get rid of him. He sounds like a sulking child. You have one child to look after you don't need another. Time for him to man up and be responsible or move on .

DustyLee123 · 21/10/2023 07:38

He’s abusive, and your child will grow up thinking that his behaviour is normal.

Shoxfordian · 21/10/2023 07:44

Leave him
Why you’ve stayed this long is a complete mystery

TicTacNicNak · 21/10/2023 07:46

He sounds like he's never matured and still behaves like a stroppy teenager.

This won't get better, so I'd consider separating. You don't want your DS growing up thinking this is acceptable behaviour and how to treat a woman.

LaDamaDeElche · 21/10/2023 08:00

There are two types of men who behave like this - controlling, narcissistic men and emotionally immature men. Which type is he? The second type can usually benefit from therapy, as this is learned behaviour from their childhood family dynamic- perhaps they had a parent who stonewalled the other, a family who never communicated and resolved their conflicts/feelings, an overly critical parent etc - it's not an excuse btw, as we all have our problems and have to deal with them in adulthood. These types of men usually aren't doing it on purpose, they are simply overwhelmed by their moods and have never learned to manage their feelings. If he's like this, he needs to go to therapy and stick at it to resolve the root cause of his behaviour, then going forward strategies to manage his feelings - CBT can be useful for this.

The first type are just nasty fuckers who do it to fuck with you, control you and strip your confidence. If they're with a woman who won't tolerate it from day one, they stop. They usually don't choose these types of women though, as they like someone more emotionally vulnerable who can be controlled. If he is type one - run! He'll never change and it will just escalate. Therapy will not work and he'll destroy you.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/10/2023 08:16

He's still abusive, he's just changed his method. This man doesn't want to stop being abusive so therapy is pointless.

ilikemethewayiam · 21/10/2023 11:46

Ugh! I lived with one of these types for 22 years. I was too young to understand his behaviour was nothing to do with me. I had 22 years of having the life sucked out of me. He was an emotional vampire. I begged and pleaded and coerced him into therapy. Things would improve slightly for a while then he snapped straight back to his old ways when he realised having to compromise and give up control was not something he could live with. When i finally ended it it, I felt like I’d been let out of prison. It was the most liberating feeling in the world. I blossomed.

Your partner has shown he is not willing to change given therapy didn’t ‘suit’ him. It didn’t work for him because he wasn’t interested in doing the real emotional work that’s involved. It would mean giving up control by giving up the mechanisms that currently work for him, ie the moodiness. He has to want to change, and work to achieve this in therapy but he doesn’t. You are going to waste years and years of your life cajoling, begging, pleading and waiting for him to change. He won’t and your child is going to be dragged into this dynamic. Please don’t waste your life and your joy with this man child, not to mention the emotional damage your child will suffer. He is emotionally damaged and you can’t fix that. Walk away now and save your sanity. Please don’t be me!

Original poster
Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 07:29

Thanks for all your responses, insightful. @LaDamaDeElche he is the first type, learnt from a dysfunctional childhood dynamic that he can’t get out of. Since having DS I have visited his workplace who gave also commented on his moodiness, so I know it’s not just directed at me, although I know I bear the brunt of it.
We actually had a heated discussion yesterday, where I was brutal and told him I didn’t like him and it seemed to snap him out of his misery, but I’m sure that will be thrown back in my face at some point.
When things have calmed down I will suggest therapy again and insist on it. I know a bit about CBT maybe that will be a better option. Either way, I know we can’t carry on like this.

Thanks ☺️

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 22/10/2023 07:37

A grown man having moods? How utterly pathetic.

I wouldn't have tolerated one of his childish moods once let alone multiple times like you have.

I would tell him straight, 'We have a child now, he's going to be influenced about our behaviour and these juvenile sulks you get yourself into are not a healthy environment to raise a child in. Either you grow up and stop them immediately or we split up.'

I know it's an ultimatum but in this instance I think it's necessary.

He sounds like he's been over indulged as a child.

I'm embarrassed for him, his behaviour is utterly cringeworthy.

legalseagull · 22/10/2023 07:44

He sounds emotionally unstable - I'd be directing him to the GP. It might be some antidepressants could really help

legalseagull · 22/10/2023 07:44

Failing that... I'd leave him. You don't want your child growing up walking on eggshells

LaurieStrode · 22/10/2023 07:50

What a horrible environment for a newborn, whose little brain is being hardwired for life on this toxic atmosphere.

Newgolddream70 · 22/10/2023 08:13

Hi OP, this isn't just about you now. I think you need to leave him/ask him to leave for your child's sake.

I was married to someone like your DP (thankfully no DCs) and I stayed with him as it was my second marriage and I felt ashamed that it wasn't working out. I tolerated far too much of this sort of crap and eventually it escalated to physical harm - not hitting/punching but on one occasion, he flew at me and grabbed hold of my ear and squeezed it so hard I was almost physically sick. He used to put his face right up to mine and scream at me.

Get away from him OP. This is not normal behaviour and he needs to grow up and work on managing his emotions.

TwilightSkies · 22/10/2023 08:21

Can you leave?

FedUpMumof10YO · 22/10/2023 08:24

The only option is to end it.

The first time he screamed in your face should have been the last.

We get what we allow. Don't allow it anymore.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/10/2023 08:29

I'm so sorry you're going through this postpartum where you should be treasured and looked after xx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/10/2023 08:32

Ps when pregnant/with a baby leaving just doesn't feel like an option as women at this stage in life we think we should do anything to keep our family together.

If he's helpful and you need the practical help then emotionally check out and just see him like that. Don't get involved in his moods at all. However if you're doing it all anyway what's the point of him being there- you'll be happier if he moves out and you have some peace x

LaDamaDeElche · 22/10/2023 10:46

Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 07:29

Thanks for all your responses, insightful. @LaDamaDeElche he is the first type, learnt from a dysfunctional childhood dynamic that he can’t get out of. Since having DS I have visited his workplace who gave also commented on his moodiness, so I know it’s not just directed at me, although I know I bear the brunt of it.
We actually had a heated discussion yesterday, where I was brutal and told him I didn’t like him and it seemed to snap him out of his misery, but I’m sure that will be thrown back in my face at some point.
When things have calmed down I will suggest therapy again and insist on it. I know a bit about CBT maybe that will be a better option. Either way, I know we can’t carry on like this.

Thanks ☺️

No worries. Just remember he has to want to change for himself. Unless he's at that point, therapy won't work. He has to recognise that there's a problem, not just because you're fed up with it. He has to really see that himself and acknowledge his past and why he behaves like he does. If he isn't there, as difficult as it is, you need to separate. If you see him working on himself, then maybe there's a hope a future reconciliation. It's often quite difficult to really work on yourself when you're in a relationship. Therapy needs you to be quite selfish in some ways, and that's not always great for the partner. Some people need time to just really focus on themselves to heal whatever it is that's made them the way they are. It's good that he's like this with other people too, as abusive, narcissistic men usually reserve the behaviour for their partner only and are completely different with everyone else.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2023 11:12

"When things have calmed down I will suggest therapy again and insist on it".

Please do not do this again. Look at what happened last time; he stopped going to those sessions. It will not work for him anyway because he is at heart abusive. Men like this too need YEARS of therapy, not mere months and even then there is no guarantee of such working out. He uses his moods to dictate the household and also enjoys the level of power and control he has over you. The responsibility for his moods are his and his alone. Not yours.

Instead plan your exit from this relationship with due care and attention to your safety.

Did you grow up with a similar parent to this man?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What do you want to teach your son about relationships now?. Currently you are showing him that this treatment of you from his father is still acceptable to you.

Original poster
Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 14:58

We had a conversation today where I said his moods were the problem, but he retaliated with I don’t give him enough affection and that’s why he goes in his moods, they are a build up of his frustration at not getting what he wants and then he gets overwhelmed with his emotions.
But overall said he wouldn’t acknowledge he has a problem unless I did because apparently I can’t control my emotions either. Everytime I tried to explain my frustrations, he just came back at me, so didn’t really get anywhere.
I told him I didn’t see how this could be resolved if he couldn’t acknowledge his issues and he got his stuff and left.
Interestingly he could control his emotions when doing that, hardly said a word, no huffing, puffing or stomping around. Ultimate head f**k

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 22/10/2023 15:27

Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 14:58

We had a conversation today where I said his moods were the problem, but he retaliated with I don’t give him enough affection and that’s why he goes in his moods, they are a build up of his frustration at not getting what he wants and then he gets overwhelmed with his emotions.
But overall said he wouldn’t acknowledge he has a problem unless I did because apparently I can’t control my emotions either. Everytime I tried to explain my frustrations, he just came back at me, so didn’t really get anywhere.
I told him I didn’t see how this could be resolved if he couldn’t acknowledge his issues and he got his stuff and left.
Interestingly he could control his emotions when doing that, hardly said a word, no huffing, puffing or stomping around. Ultimate head f**k

You are not responsible for his moods! Don't let him foist that on to you!

Honestly he sounds very unappealing.

Newestname002 · 22/10/2023 15:42

Please don't get married or have more children with someone as demanding and unsupportive like this. It's already not great and is only to get worse the more legally entangled your lives become. 🌹

legalseagull · 22/10/2023 15:46

Sorry OP. This must be really hard for you. Any man that can just grab his stuff and walk away from his partner and new baby in a sulk isn't worth knowing

singlemum93 · 22/10/2023 15:58

Wow this sounds exactly like the relationship I had with the father of my child. It's difficult as when they're not in one of these childish moods they seem to be amazing to be around. My ex too also blamed me for his moods and said I was the reason he was moody and not affectionate enough etc. it drove me to depression and I ended up on antidepressants thinking there was something wrong with me. Once I sorted myself out of that i realised I was not the problem and he was. We broke up and he still manages to have these moods now. It's so difficult co-parenting with someone like this. Just this morning he came to pick up our son and I had locked our front door with both locks (as I always do overnight) and as soon as I opened the door he starts shouting at me WHY ARE YOU DOUBLE LOCKING THE DOOR asif he is offended by that?! It's just crazy behaviour. It's hard once you have a child with these men but get rid and your life will become a lot more peaceful and happy when he's not around I promise!

napody · 22/10/2023 15:59

Hope you're OK. Do you have someone in real life you can tell and who can help out with the baby I imagine he'll be back before long thinking he's 'taught you a lesson'. Take this time to think about you want, and work out whether you feel a tiny bit relieved....