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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moody partner

74 replies

Sleepingtingtang · 20/10/2023 21:49

Hi MN,

Been with partner 2 yrs and have just had a DS. He has always been moody, which I think stems from him being deeply insecure. When he is tired and/or stressed out with work, he will take extreme offence to things that he perceives as a slight (but not intended) and spends the whole night, if not days in a mood over something trivial.

At the beginning of our relationship, his moods would actually end up him screaming in my face, which I put a stop to after a while. I told him it was abuse and I didn’t want to be with him behaving like that. He showed remorse and agreed to go to counselling, on my insistence. But he stopped counselling after he felt like he wasn’t getting anywhere and I don’t think he told the counsellor the extent of what was going on.

Since then, his moods get out of hand every few months, which result in me asking him to leave as I can’t cope with how miserable, pathetic and life sucking these moods are. He usually stays in a hotel for a few days. We always sort it out, as he is sorry and we do get on overall (I do love him, but just feel at my wits end atm).

We have since had DS (12 weeks) and he is on his 2nd round of moods already. This week because I asked him to stand outside a shop with DS (in a pramsuit and in a carrier) because he was quite hot and I was worried. He said I was “sending him away” and he didn’t like it, so he was in a mood all the way home from the shops and the whole evening after. When I say moods, he won’t talk to me, walks behind me sulking and when I do ask him a question he muffles like a teenager.

I have tried ignoring it, which works, but he’ll then go in a mood shortly after he’s snapped out of it and I get so exasperated that I’ve been patient and he then throws it right back in my face, that I get angry at that. I’ve also tried the no tolerance approach but that ends up in an argument too.

I’m exhausted, I don’t want to be miserable like him and I know have a 3 month old to think about too. Does anyone have any practical advice?

Thanks in advance, sorry for the long post

OP posts:
Myhusbandearns150k · 22/10/2023 15:59

This reply has been deleted

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ilikemethewayiam · 22/10/2023 16:46

Sorry but the trash took itself out. Let him go and now concentrate on how you and your LO can have a better life.

Original poster
Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 16:52

@singlemum93 it is hard, when he’s not behaving like this a kind, supportive partner and we have a nice time together.

@napody i have asked him to leave several times in the past 2 years, when things come to a head and I can’t take it anymore. This time I felt relieved definitely. Not a good sign is it?!

His ego always comes before our relationship and our child.

Thank you everyone that has taken the time to offer support.

OP posts:
napody · 22/10/2023 17:24

Just remember that feeling.
It's potentially much easier to separate and coparent with someone with an ego like this, if he initiated the split.
This could be your way out. Lots of 'No, I see you were right'

LaDamaDeElche · 22/10/2023 19:55

Emotionally immature people can never acknowledge they are at fault. It’s exhausting. Good that he’s gone.

If he does try to have that conversation with you again at any point in the future and blames his behaviour on you again, ask him why he’s using the classic language of an abuser. He doesn’t see himself as one, so it might wake him up. Men who hit their partners use that language - you made me do it. Nothing anyone says or does (within reason) “makes” another person do anything. We’re all responsible for our own behaviour and reactions. Even if we behave badly towards someone we love, like most of us have done at some point in our lives, emotionally healthy people take ownership for that and apologise. They don’t put it on the other person and absolve themselves of responsibility. That’s so toxic.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/10/2023 20:26

legalseagull · 22/10/2023 15:46

Sorry OP. This must be really hard for you. Any man that can just grab his stuff and walk away from his partner and new baby in a sulk isn't worth knowing

I agree - my ex did this to me and I'm thriving without him

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/10/2023 20:27

singlemum93 · 22/10/2023 15:58

Wow this sounds exactly like the relationship I had with the father of my child. It's difficult as when they're not in one of these childish moods they seem to be amazing to be around. My ex too also blamed me for his moods and said I was the reason he was moody and not affectionate enough etc. it drove me to depression and I ended up on antidepressants thinking there was something wrong with me. Once I sorted myself out of that i realised I was not the problem and he was. We broke up and he still manages to have these moods now. It's so difficult co-parenting with someone like this. Just this morning he came to pick up our son and I had locked our front door with both locks (as I always do overnight) and as soon as I opened the door he starts shouting at me WHY ARE YOU DOUBLE LOCKING THE DOOR asif he is offended by that?! It's just crazy behaviour. It's hard once you have a child with these men but get rid and your life will become a lot more peaceful and happy when he's not around I promise!

'Once I sorted myself out I realized I was not the problem and he was' I could have written that!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/10/2023 20:30

LaDamaDeElche · 22/10/2023 19:55

Emotionally immature people can never acknowledge they are at fault. It’s exhausting. Good that he’s gone.

If he does try to have that conversation with you again at any point in the future and blames his behaviour on you again, ask him why he’s using the classic language of an abuser. He doesn’t see himself as one, so it might wake him up. Men who hit their partners use that language - you made me do it. Nothing anyone says or does (within reason) “makes” another person do anything. We’re all responsible for our own behaviour and reactions. Even if we behave badly towards someone we love, like most of us have done at some point in our lives, emotionally healthy people take ownership for that and apologise. They don’t put it on the other person and absolve themselves of responsibility. That’s so toxic.

I've said to my ex that he sounds like a wife beater ('you drove me to frustration') and went though a list of examples of emotional
Abuse (after he claimed I did that to him) and each point he conceded that I had never done that and he did regularly to me..... but he still doesn't care. And still thinks that he was a nice partner and I just couldn't be happy with him
because I had anxiety management issues 👀.... basically what I'm saying is although this advice sounds sensible I wouldn't hold your breath for it to work on one of these men

singlemum93 · 22/10/2023 20:41

It helped me to write down all the stupid arguments and all the abuse he gave me because it's really hard when he's in a good mood to remember who he is in a bad one and all the horrible things he did. I would start writing a diary of all the things and all the occasions you can remember because once they're all on paper you really start to question why you've already put up with so much of it!

PaminaMozart · 22/10/2023 20:47

LaDamaDeElche · 21/10/2023 08:00

There are two types of men who behave like this - controlling, narcissistic men and emotionally immature men. Which type is he? The second type can usually benefit from therapy, as this is learned behaviour from their childhood family dynamic- perhaps they had a parent who stonewalled the other, a family who never communicated and resolved their conflicts/feelings, an overly critical parent etc - it's not an excuse btw, as we all have our problems and have to deal with them in adulthood. These types of men usually aren't doing it on purpose, they are simply overwhelmed by their moods and have never learned to manage their feelings. If he's like this, he needs to go to therapy and stick at it to resolve the root cause of his behaviour, then going forward strategies to manage his feelings - CBT can be useful for this.

The first type are just nasty fuckers who do it to fuck with you, control you and strip your confidence. If they're with a woman who won't tolerate it from day one, they stop. They usually don't choose these types of women though, as they like someone more emotionally vulnerable who can be controlled. If he is type one - run! He'll never change and it will just escalate. Therapy will not work and he'll destroy you.

Absolutely this ^

Rosiem2808 · 22/10/2023 20:53

Oh OP. It is only one life you know, and you are not there to prop this man up. That's not what you signed up for when you got with him is it ?

Original poster
Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 21:36

I know all the above points intellectually, but of course very hard when you love someone and have a child together. He hasn’t text to ask about LO today, again his ego and pride is more important.
Feeling very sorry for myself right now 😒
But I’m in a good place financially, I own the house, have a decent wage, I can support us without him. So there is a blessing and of course have my DS 🥰

OP posts:
Rosiem2808 · 22/10/2023 21:43

You have to ask yourself what does he bring to the table?

mildlydispeptic · 22/10/2023 22:02

Thing is, also, OP, that you're already invested in trying to explain why he is the way he is (insecurity etc). I forget where I read this, maybe it was about Narcs, but probably applies more broadly, that you know you're with a wrongun when you've become an expert in the while backstory of how they got that way. Ultimately it's irrelevant. The only issue is whether they're sucking out more than they put in.

Original poster
Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 22:03

He does treat me very well other than this. We run a nice home together and he is a wonderful dad to our DS. Other than admit and take responsibility for his faults, he would do anything for me, so not all bad. Just not all good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 22:08

mildlydispeptic · 22/10/2023 22:02

Thing is, also, OP, that you're already invested in trying to explain why he is the way he is (insecurity etc). I forget where I read this, maybe it was about Narcs, but probably applies more broadly, that you know you're with a wrongun when you've become an expert in the while backstory of how they got that way. Ultimately it's irrelevant. The only issue is whether they're sucking out more than they put in.

Very true! He is definitely sucking out more than giving back now, yes. Hence my post.

OP posts:
LaDamaDeElche · 22/10/2023 22:23

Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 22:03

He does treat me very well other than this. We run a nice home together and he is a wonderful dad to our DS. Other than admit and take responsibility for his faults, he would do anything for me, so not all bad. Just not all good.

You’ve been together quite a short time, and these moods are happening every few months already. This is after just two years together. Now there’s a child involved, whatever love you may feel/good points you think he has, you have to ask yourself as a mother what it will do to your child growing up in that environment. It’s very likely that they will become a product of that environment and grow up with similar relationship problems and insecurities. Whatever good points he has are overshadowed by his toxic behaviour. He can still be a good dad if you aren’t together. He isn’t in the place to be a good partner though and you deserve more and your child deserves to grow up seeing their mum happy and being treated well in a healthy relationship. Not a mum who is happy only until the next time dad gets in one of his terrible moods. He can still be a good partner, but he has to be prepared to put the work in. If he isn’t, then that will tell you everything you need to know and you can either both move on with your lives and work on successfully co-parenting, or you can take him back and resign yourself to the fact that ultimately you’re going to deeply unhappy for periods of your life, with a few weeks/months of normality to separate these periods. I think you’re worth more than a half life like that.

Gowlett · 22/10/2023 22:28

My DH is exactly like this. He was horrible at times, when DS was a baby. It made the whole thing so much harder, as if having a newborn isn’t hard enough. DS is three now, and aware of the shouting etc…
This has been the worst year of our marriage & it almost came to divorce. Like your fella, he always comes back when he’s stropped off. I’ve asked DH to leave lots of times. Love isn’t enough, actually.
DH would get back from therapy, and say that his therapist said that the other partner must take responsibility for their part. So, my fault once again. It was like couples counselling, except without me!

Original poster
Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 22:43

Gowlett · 22/10/2023 22:28

My DH is exactly like this. He was horrible at times, when DS was a baby. It made the whole thing so much harder, as if having a newborn isn’t hard enough. DS is three now, and aware of the shouting etc…
This has been the worst year of our marriage & it almost came to divorce. Like your fella, he always comes back when he’s stropped off. I’ve asked DH to leave lots of times. Love isn’t enough, actually.
DH would get back from therapy, and say that his therapist said that the other partner must take responsibility for their part. So, my fault once again. It was like couples counselling, except without me!

Oh I’ve had “the therapist said you need to listen to me” too.
Im so mad he has taken away time from me that I could’ve been focusing on DS, I will never get this time back with him.
If you don’t mind me asking, why have you stayed?

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 22/10/2023 22:47

That old chestnut of you not giving him enough attention!

What a pathetic excuse for a man.

tillyandmilly · 22/10/2023 22:49

You had a child with this man - ? I would have run a mile!

Gowlett · 23/10/2023 03:47

I’ve tried to see the good in him, as when he’s not being an arsehole, we get in great. Obviously, we got married! But, like you, I’ve known he’s hard work from the start. I’ve become someone I never thought I would… Since having a kid though, things have changed. DS is crazy about his Dad, so it would be very difficult to break up our little family. And DH would 100% tell friends & family that “she’s mad” or whatever… But, I don’t care about that. DH has issues since childhood, due to his family trauma. I don’t want that for DS.

Even though things have improved lately, they haven’t changed. He thinks we’re fine now, but I’m really not there anymore… I could bite the bullet. It’s so final, and so hard to do. But I can’t see myself growing old with my DH. It’s quite sad, really.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 23/10/2023 04:02

Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 22:03

He does treat me very well other than this. We run a nice home together and he is a wonderful dad to our DS. Other than admit and take responsibility for his faults, he would do anything for me, so not all bad. Just not all good.

What's going to stop him taking his moods out on your DS when he gets older and doesn't behave exactly how he wants him to?
Unfortunately you've made a poor choice of partner and father to your DS but you can make the decision to stop subjecting yourself to this and try to put some boundaries in place around your DS. You know your DS will suffer growing up in a home where his father is emotionally abusive to his mother don't you?

mathanxiety · 23/10/2023 04:14

Look up the cycle of abuse.

Make plans to end this relationship as soon as you possibly can.

mathanxiety · 23/10/2023 04:19

He was OK with the packing and leaving because he believes you'll soon be begging him to come back. You can expect him to become pretty angry when you don't do that.

Don't contact him for any reason.
Don't ask him to come back.

See what happens as a result.