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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moody partner

74 replies

Sleepingtingtang · 20/10/2023 21:49

Hi MN,

Been with partner 2 yrs and have just had a DS. He has always been moody, which I think stems from him being deeply insecure. When he is tired and/or stressed out with work, he will take extreme offence to things that he perceives as a slight (but not intended) and spends the whole night, if not days in a mood over something trivial.

At the beginning of our relationship, his moods would actually end up him screaming in my face, which I put a stop to after a while. I told him it was abuse and I didn’t want to be with him behaving like that. He showed remorse and agreed to go to counselling, on my insistence. But he stopped counselling after he felt like he wasn’t getting anywhere and I don’t think he told the counsellor the extent of what was going on.

Since then, his moods get out of hand every few months, which result in me asking him to leave as I can’t cope with how miserable, pathetic and life sucking these moods are. He usually stays in a hotel for a few days. We always sort it out, as he is sorry and we do get on overall (I do love him, but just feel at my wits end atm).

We have since had DS (12 weeks) and he is on his 2nd round of moods already. This week because I asked him to stand outside a shop with DS (in a pramsuit and in a carrier) because he was quite hot and I was worried. He said I was “sending him away” and he didn’t like it, so he was in a mood all the way home from the shops and the whole evening after. When I say moods, he won’t talk to me, walks behind me sulking and when I do ask him a question he muffles like a teenager.

I have tried ignoring it, which works, but he’ll then go in a mood shortly after he’s snapped out of it and I get so exasperated that I’ve been patient and he then throws it right back in my face, that I get angry at that. I’ve also tried the no tolerance approach but that ends up in an argument too.

I’m exhausted, I don’t want to be miserable like him and I know have a 3 month old to think about too. Does anyone have any practical advice?

Thanks in advance, sorry for the long post

OP posts:

Unwisebutnotillegal · 23/10/2023 07:25

My partner is like this and I stayed with him. Now my daughter is like this too and I don’t ever get any peace. Always walking on eggshells trying to keep everyone happy. It’s exhausting, I’ve had a massive breakdown and left my career. I’m constantly watching what I do, even where I sit down in my house as he sulks about anything and everything. I don’t fancy him anymore as I’ve never been attracted to toddlers!!

Itisallgoingtobeok · 23/10/2023 08:07

My STBXH had moods like this. They started small and then escalated and escalated. He too blamed "frustration" and when I raised issues would retaliate and turn it back on me. I put up with it for years... then one day he attacked me and I had to run. You have a small baby to think about, and I don't think this is going to get any better.
Im really sorry you are in this position, but you need to look after yourself and your little in.

Roselilly36 · 23/10/2023 08:12

So sorry OP, must be really tough. Unfortunately, he’s unlikely to change, do you want your life, to be like this years? Make the right decision for you and your baby, no one should have to live under these circumstances.

Gowlett · 23/10/2023 08:25

Unwisebutnotillegal, that’s what I’m afraid of. DS is very like DH in terms of temper, and could well be influenced by his personality. Plus, living in a home with shouting & swearing.

I don’t think others understand about the “taking him back”. I’d be quite happy if DH actually fucked off the times he’s left. His need to save face, means he always finds a way to return.

HerMammy · 23/10/2023 08:34

At the beginning of our relationship, his moods would actually end up him screaming in my face,
and yet you stayed and had a child??
He's not a wonderful dad or lovely the rest of the time, he's a pathetic bully.
Just get rid.

HerMammy · 23/10/2023 08:36

@Gowlett
Don't let him find a way to return!
Ffs the women here putting up with abusive bullies is shocking, not a life for any child.

Newestname002 · 23/10/2023 09:12

Love isn’t enough, actually.

I wish more people would understand that and, whenever possible, act accordingly. 🌹

Gowlett · 23/10/2023 09:29

HerMammy. Yes, it is now my responsibility.
Actively asking for a divorce is the only way.

Naunet · 23/10/2023 10:46

Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 22:03

He does treat me very well other than this. We run a nice home together and he is a wonderful dad to our DS. Other than admit and take responsibility for his faults, he would do anything for me, so not all bad. Just not all good.

He’s a wonderful dad?! Would you call a woman a wonderful mum if she prioritised her own ego over her child?

mathanxiety · 23/10/2023 14:56

@Gowlett
What does he say or do to make you let him back?
What are you hoping for every time he returns?

mathanxiety · 23/10/2023 15:22

Sleepingtingtang · 22/10/2023 07:29

Thanks for all your responses, insightful. @LaDamaDeElche he is the first type, learnt from a dysfunctional childhood dynamic that he can’t get out of. Since having DS I have visited his workplace who gave also commented on his moodiness, so I know it’s not just directed at me, although I know I bear the brunt of it.
We actually had a heated discussion yesterday, where I was brutal and told him I didn’t like him and it seemed to snap him out of his misery, but I’m sure that will be thrown back in my face at some point.
When things have calmed down I will suggest therapy again and insist on it. I know a bit about CBT maybe that will be a better option. Either way, I know we can’t carry on like this.

Thanks ☺️

You are right. You can't carry on like this.

You are wrong about the therapy, and you are wrong to be optimistic that he can undergo a personality transplant and the future you thought you'd have together would come to be.

Don't suggest therapy again.

Don't engage with him at all.

Don't let him back into your home.

He is playing games with you. He is not interested in a relationship of mutual love and respect and trust.

What he wants out of this relationship is the feeling that you are under his control, that you spend your days focused on signs that his 'mood' is deteriorating or improving. He has already told you that, openly, when he started sulking about 'not giving him enough affection'.

This man is jealous of everything else you pay attention to - namely, your baby and your own body going through pregnancy and childbirth and recovery. He will always accuse you of not giving him enough attention or affection. You will end up walking on eggshells, ordering your life around the hope of coaxing a good mood out of him. Eventually, he will play the 'not enough affection' card and cheat on you.

He has a zero-sum view of family life and an adversarial approach to relationships. If he's not on top, then someone else must be, and his ego can't handle that.

If you want to discuss the relationship, he sees that as an attack, and he will not engage because he sees that as backing down to you, who deep down he sees as inferior and an adversary. Instead, he accuses you of abusing him or neglecting him. He enters conversations to 'win', not to build understanding or trust.

In fact, with every conversation about the relationship that you try to start, he hacks away at the trust that he should be building every day.

He decided the therapist was getting too close to the bone during his brief stint, so he told you an outright lie about the outcome and refused to engage with the therapy.

Gowlett · 23/10/2023 15:38

mathanxiety, he doesn’t actually leave & come back in any sort of formal way as such. He storms off, then just arrives back saying he needs to get his stuff for work in the morning. Or has forgotten to bring his meds, etc…

He then acts as if absolutely nothing has happened (except him having an angry episode / meltdown / suicide threats). He’ll act all happy families, and I’ll try to bring it up (saying it’s not okay, even saying please leave) & he brushes it off.

OP, if your DH is going away to stay in a hotel & things like that then I would use the opportunity to get him out. It’s very difficult when he’s there pretending nothing’s happened, or turning it all back on you. I know how hard it is with a baby.

Gowlett · 23/10/2023 15:41

It’s quite insidious. And the reason why women aren’t believed.

Gowlett · 23/10/2023 15:45

And, it’s only after a while that you recognise the pattern. Sorry is no good to me now, but I used to accept it before. We always hope for the best, but actually divorce might be best…

Original poster

Sleepingtingtang · 23/10/2023 15:46

He’s not even contacted me to see if his own son is ok in the last 24 hrs. He’ll tell me to was too upset to text. It’s my house, so can easily ask him to leave.
The last time we had a to do I thought it couldn’t get any worse, how wrong was I.
I’m on mat leave, the thought of going back to work as a single mom. Still in shock, but know I shouldn’t be.
We have a shared hobby, which I love and where we met. He is amazing at it after doing it for many years. Sad I’ll have to give that up too.

OP posts:

PrinceHaz · 23/10/2023 15:56

I think you have to leave for your son’s sake. Then surround your son with love, warmth, calmness and consistency so history doesn’t repeat itself.
Lok at the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. If he has this, he’d need intensive long term targeted therapy and willingness to put in the therapy work, to be liveable with

PrinceHaz · 23/10/2023 15:57

Can you do the shared hobby elsewhere?

Original poster

Sleepingtingtang · 23/10/2023 17:22

I don’t think he has BPD, possibly depression. He can also very hyper/agitated when upset. But you’re right, it’s not what you’d want your child to be around.
Yes, there are other places. TBF to him, he’d probably tell me to carry on as he knows how much joy I get from our hobby. Just awkward as he is a minor celebrity in our scene.

OP posts:

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 18:31

@PrinceHaz What makes you say BPD? I have a family member with that condition. I am not seeing that from the information given here?

Gowlett · 23/10/2023 19:22

It’s BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) with my DH.
Classic childhood trauma. Others in his family are the same.

DH has spoken to the doctor about it, but won’t go any further. He needs long term help. I can’t help him anymore.

Original poster

Sleepingtingtang · 26/11/2023 05:29

Thanks for your responses and just to update you all. I took him back (I know!) and we had 3 weeks of getting on great and having a lovely time together as a family.
Then 3 weeks to the day an argument erupted over me asking him to turn off the light as he leaves them on all the time. He punched himself in the head whilst holding DS and grabbed him stuff and stormed out because he said he didn’t like living in my house.
He erupted almost to the day he left last time. I can recognise a cycle of his moods, I know when an argument is about to erupt as he is “prickly” a day or two before where I’m tip toeing around him and then around the 20th of each month he will go off.
Since then he has been in contact daily fluctuating between he knows his behaviour is bad and he needs to work on it to being happy we’re done and being emotionally manipulative and playing power games in between. Also have the usual it’s my fault, I’m the one in the wrong etc and calling my bluff. He has also turned up at my mom’s house unannounced to give me my keys back/ tell me he misses me etc.
I realise now how emotionally unstable and erratic he is and as someone else mentioned I think BPD is at play here, which I’m only just getting my head around but would make a lot of sense.
So, we are over and there isn’t a happy ending to this. I am selling my house as want a fresh start and I decided not to give up the hobby as why should I if I love it. (He assumed throughout all of this he would be able to take me this week???) But thanks to your responses, I feel a lot stronger and confident about everything and realise me and DS deserve a lot better than this.

OP posts:

Outwiththenorm · 26/11/2023 08:06

Well done, Op. You sound strong and confident and you’ve done the right thing. I have seen what an emotionally repressed, moody, shouting father can do to a family. Your DS will not grow up thinking it is normal or having to tiptoe around his dad.

Hibiscrubbed · 26/11/2023 11:45

Oh OP. He sounds like a horrible shit. You however sound strong and with your head firmly in place. Well done. Good luck going forward, it’ll be sad but also a blessed relief that you don’t have to navigate his horrible moods.

TheCatterall · 26/11/2023 13:38

@Sleepingtingtang massive squishes.

it’s obviously nothing that you are doing if work have also commented on his moods. What’s his excuse with work - are they not showing him enough affection either? Funny how his moods/behaviour and anger are never his fault.

good luck with the future. Well done for taking a stand. I do hope he at some point becomes a better person. That he sees the damage he is causing to those around him and changes so you can at least coparent better.

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