Instagram - help me understand if husband is looking at other women

[Confusedlady84]

Evening!

sorry I posted this on 30 days only but should have posted it here. Will ask for the other one to be taken down.

I’m going to lean on you lovely lot to help me get to the bottom of something that’s been playing on my mind. I’m not great on socials…so here goes. Today I saw my husband’s Instagram explore page and it was full of semi naked women. Not sports women, we are talking women dressed provocatively showing as much boob / arse as possible. So I’m guessing for so many of those images to pop up (I would say they took up 80/90% of the page) it must mean he’s looking at that content? I checked who he’s following and it doesn’t appear to be anything like that so I have a feeling he will tell me it’s just Insta throwing up suggested images unrelated to him but I don’t want to be taken for a mug because I’m not entirely sure how it works. Years ago he kept watching porn and I told him it makes me feel crap. I get that men will do what they want but it was literally an hour after we’d had sex and he was downloading so much content. I don’t know if he still watches it - we’ve gone on to have children and I haven’t been that fussed to check / question him. But today’s findings have thrown me and made me feel really rubbish. Am I right in thinking he’s looking at these women on the quiet??
TIA!

@porridgeisbae 😂 my thoughts exactly - my husband definitely wasn’t admiring them for their artistic poses.
I did have another quick look while his phone was open next to me and his explore page is full of lots of other stuff today - many things that I can imagine he would be in to and I think I only spotted one woman. So either the other day was a complete fluke (I’m not entirely sold!) or he realised I spotted it as he knew something was up and has been frantically looking up other stuff to change his algorithm- much more likely 😂

Firstly, Mumsnet, thank you for your brutally honest and illuminating answers. At present I am battling with this issue too. Weirdly, I am training to be a church minister and since I started training, my previously TRULY watertight joyful marriage has taken a real BEATING. Maybe it is more to do with an external attack upon me and my family but I cannot be certain. I have prayed, read, researched and sat patiently with this. Suddenly I came across THIS article, mostly written by very agitated and angry men who are truly cross about the unsolicited scanty panty brigade filling their search page. It gave me deep food for thought, especially when so many were calling for a petition to Instagram to STOP it. I am not a prude. Neither am I stupid enough to think of my husband as perfect BUT, it is possible that the dark powers in the world just LOVE breaking trust between husbands and wives/ wives and wives- husbands and husbands. One thing for sure, TALK to your partner. Do not stew or sulk or be afraid. Be brave. Face the issue and talk without anger. Be honest. If these partners are worth anything, their heart will be broken for the disappointment and grief you feel.
https://www.reddit.com/r/MensLib/comments/j6svri/what_do_you_think_of_instagrams_tendency_to/

My ex used to use IG for porn, as well as porn sites. He used to spend a very long time with his phone in the bathroom and not let anyone in the kitchen while he was "cooking" - if I did have to go in for something he'd be sitting and scrolling on his phone and get cross I had appeared (my house the CF!).

One morning in bed, right next to me about 3 mins after sex, I caught him looking at a naked woman crouching in a waterfall. I made a point of asking him why he was looking at that and he came up with some BS "oh it's a screen saver I was recommended" and then blushed and put phone away. Multiple other instances and me finding he had "liked" women in underwear/bikini's and sending messages. He used to get messages all through the night, to the point I had to ask him to put his phone on silent between 11pm and 7am. Ultimately he never stopped looking, just hid it better. He eventually went off with a "friend" who's IG pictures he always liked who lived in Australia. She was one of the ones he messaged all night, an emotional crutch who knew all about our relationship (although he didn't tell her when I was pregnant, wonder why?), who he sent gifts to, gave money to for her business and would always post pics in her bikini or with nipples showing which he would "like" and then tell me they were "just friends" and tell me I was paranoid. Well, within a few months of us breaking up they shared a bed for 4 nights in Iceland, so fairly sure that was NOT accurate!
Trust your gut people, these guys live like this, hiding images and messages daily. They are not being tricked into it, it is a choice.

I’m unsure. I noticed my partners is the same. However when I checked his likes and comments there are none apart from mainly 3 years ago….. when he joined and most likes are mine. He rarely ever uses Instagram and I wouldn’t mind betting its algorithms from when we temporary separated summer last year and I know he was watching porn as he told me. So I agree I don’t think he’s necessarily checking these kind of posts on instagram but is highly likely looking at stuff on the net ie Google searches. I think we’d all like to think our man has tunnel vision but porn to them isn’t a biggy and never is a reflection on you. I’m not saying porn is good as I think it’s quite damaging but it is a given.
men masturbate, either with or without porn x x

Why does it make you feel old, fat and ugly? You’re 30 not 80! Also, please understand that these girls who post this rubbish generally have low self esteem themselves hence why they feel the need to post semi naked pictures all over social media - to draw attention to themselves because they feel they are lacking in something and deep inside they probably hate themselves and also feel ugly. They seem pretty narcissistic if you ask me. I say that as an ex model, past my best and much older than you. Do they make me feel old, fat and ugly? No. Please don’t compare yourself to them.

Because they are desperate for attention and have nothing else better to do lol.

This 👆

It's not only what had been looked at on Instagram, it's the whole Internet use and even Alexa / Google assistant (both of which listen all the time).

Even you typing about it here can affect what is thrown up on Instagram if you are at home on the same IP address.

I don't want to sound all tin foil hat, but it's almost impossible to escape.

Honestly, I have the exact same issue.
Which lately has become such a problem for me. I am insecure and feel like a fool.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years now, married for less then a year.
Baby on the way, I am 32 weeks.

He is so loving and caring, I won't deny that however;

His search history always has porn videos, instagram posts about only women
Even his YouTube shorts only show stuff about women.

I don't know how to deal with it. I have spoken to him about it probably 3 different times in our relationship but i think he might get better at hiding it. He told me it's honestly nothing to worry about.

But, why do you feel the need to look at it? To seach for it, am I not enough, yes I get it. You are a man, "in your nature" but surely you are secretly fantasizing about those woman and I am afraid that your fantasy world is more enjoyable to you then your actual wife?

He doesn't really share his sexual fantasties with me, he obviously enjoys his private time more... we have sex about once a week?

I just wish I could be enough for one person. He obviously lacking something. Am i doing it wrong?

@Nesses06 Oh I’m sorry you find yourself in the same boat. I find it so frustrating! The women my husband looks at are all much younger (I would guess 20-25ish at most) and all surgically enhanced - large fake breasts, big bottoms etc etc. Totally different to my natural mum bod! It makes me feel insecure but he would never understand that. Like you said “it’s just something men do” but I struggle having sex knowing he must be comparing me to those women!? We don’t really talk about it as he denies it but he has had a long history of watching porn while I’m at home - watching it on our laptop while I’m in the other room or watching it on tv after I’ve gone to bed. He used to save videos of women / porn on our tv listings and just found it funny when i said it was disrespectful like I was completely mad. I don’t have an answer for you or any advice really, just know that you’re not alone and your feelings are valid x

Mine is completely full of half naked women, albeit mostly doing the hobby I post about, like, and follow people for (non of whom are half naked, and most of them men.) I never search for anything at all on insta though, so it probably throws up the lowest common denominator stuff as the default.

SO DOES MINE. I think mine is because I searched for some work out moves because I was feeling a little chubby, now all I see is the thinnest, prettiest girls in tight workout gear looking perfect. Its the algorithms but also spurred on by one search of something or one watch of a video.

I just feel like the entire internet and socials is flooded and saturated with girls trying to sell things like OF subscriptions. I get that sex sells and all that but I wish the 'internet' knew how this might make people feel, how it might affect relationships and trust, how it impacts on those growing up in this world.

It could be an innocent watch of a video, it could be a one off search, it could be more often than you would like. You wont know without having a chat... sorry this is worrying you. I know how you feel x

@crochetcatcrazy how annoying you’re now faced with pictures of thin girls in workout gear! That would drive me mad although maybe some would see it as motivation 😆 I can only imagine my husband searches quite regularly if I go by his past behaviour. He would definitely deny everything so I would never know the truth. When I found it saved on our TV he told me he was “trying out the recording feature” - as far as BS goes, it wasn’t his best line! I could drive myself mad picturing all the women he’s looking up so I try to put it out of my mind. The only thing it really achieves is that I have far less desire to have sex with him 😃

My insta explore currently shows me balayage hair, diet and parenting tips as that's what I've been looking at for the last 6 months. Sorry.

totally get what you are saying with the terrible attempt at covering up.

I think the problem is lets say he searched once, then it will pop up the next day with 5 people to look at, if he looks at them, next day its 10.... its like a candy store and whilst some people can handle that it grates at you and makes you dwell on how you feel about yourself.

I would imagine it means very little to him (this is not a defence, just some personal soul searching I have done as my partner has also done his fair share of this!) they could literally look once go hmmm she's nice and then think about something else 2 seconds later. It means way way more to us, we spend far more time worrying, thinking, belittling ourselves that we dont look like those gym bunnies. I have to liken it to me going ohhhh when I watch Jenson Button on F1. It means nothing and the next second I am thinking of what snack to have.

Again not defending just rationalising. And if you have boundaries you need to set them loud and clear. Sending you love x

@crochetcatcrazy i totally get what you’re saying. I also see attractive people, think phwoar and then forget all about them 2 seconds later. I think it’s the searching part that bothers me - actively going looking for women online to get turned on by. I think it’s also the fact I can’t imagine he likes what he sees when he looks at my very normal body versus what he is obviously looking for online. There are definitely no women with mum tums or post-breast feeding boobs on his pics 😆 I’ve told him before how it makes me feel and what my boundaries are (having sex with me then an hour later laying in bed next to me while I’m asleep browsing porn sites is not on to me) but he says “yes yes yes” in the moment then will be right back to his ways a week later! Basically he will agree to anything to shut me up but has no intention of changing 🤷‍♀️ Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it x

Yes, porn after sex would be too much for me too. I am sorry but it doesnt seem like he is taking it that seriously the parts that upset you. I hope you can sort this in a way that doesnt just mean you trying not to think about it.

@crochetcatcrazy i don’t think he understands it at all. He will say what he needs to say in the moment to appease me but I know he doesn’t get it and thinks I’m probably making a big fuss about nothing. Guess we just come at things from a very different angle!

He’s is 100% looking at women. Try it yourself-look at a certain specific type of account and you’ll soon find your explore page fills up with this.

totally get this!! why the need to search? I think one search lead to many many searches, suggestions and it hooks them in and then they go into a timewarp and before they know it they cant close their eyes without seeing tits. Its manipulative internet algorithm's but they initiate it.

If there (and there may be) some sexy beautiful men online although I would appreciate them if I saw it, why would I search for it? Is there porn for straight women that is made for women... would we even want it?

the thing is banning him looking at other women isn’t going to help your self esteem and it’s not like you can wipe his memory, he knows what other women look like,and he sees them clothed every single day and can make a fair stab at what they look like naked.

all that’s going to happen is he will use his internet and delete his history

I think for me the answer is how do you sort your self esteem as you cannot erase from his mind what other women look like

My H regularly gets this from following professional athletes/sports federations (he is a former athlete at national level and DSD did gymnastics and athletics competitively), and has pretty much abandoned Instagram because of it. Algorithm seems to process his interests as ‘likes women in skimpy clothing’ rather than ‘more sports content please’.

Omg I know the answer to this one!!

I started a business and have my old iPhone for it, completely wiped. I set the business up but accidentally pressed “male” when starting it and my explore page was just naked women. I then tried to put “not interested” and it put MORE women saying I’d interacted with that post.

likely he has looked at some (hard not to tbh) but instagram pushes them to men.

Hello, disgusting porn watching man here.

One thing I would note is that my favourite kind of porn is stuff where the woman looks like my DP. I like to be able to imagine that the woman is my DP. However, porn featuring 43 year old women who have had a baby or two and have gotten a bit heavier over the years is vanishingly rare.

And they're generally not posting selfies on Instagram in scandalously little clothing either.

So as a result my porn history is full of skinny 22 year olds with big boobs. And yes, I find them attractive, but that doesn't mean that I don't find DP attractive. It's just that most of the time DP isn't naked and doing filthy things, whereas the videos on the internet are.

God I really should have name changed for this one.

I set up an Instagram account, but I never used it. I've just logged on having read the OP's post, pressed 'explore' and it is for the most part younger women with very little on!

When I first set up my Instagram account I obviously had no search history and my feed was full of nearly naked, pneumatic glamour model types. Now it's all vintage fashion, interior decor, archaeology and scooters.

Once DP teased me about looking at naked men (!) so for a laugh I did an Insta search for "naked men" in front of him and there basically weren't any, except for some shirtless beefcake type guys and arty charcoal sketches of nudes. The only big willies I've ever seen on Insta were satyrs on Greek vases😂There's certainly a difference between the w@nk material Insta makes available for straight men and what it provides for women - while I'm sure that reflects what people in general search for, I don't think it necessarily tells you much about whether an individual has searched for porn or not. Better look at his likes/follows/search history before you hit the roof (although it does seem like this guy has form for looking at dodgy stuff).