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Original poster

Is it like like this for everyone?

71 replies

Motherhood86 · 19/10/2023 22:46

My partner and I dated for a long time, almost 8 years. We decided to move in together about a year ago. We have always had the best relationship I've ever had, he is funny, kind, honest. We really had a lot of fun together. He gets me like nobody else and it's same for him.

The problem is very early into living with each other we have been arguing a lot. It's becoming almost daily now. I really don't know what the underlying cause is, it's been since there has been expectations on each other. We didn't have that when dating. I thought it would settle down but it's getting worse. I'm so disappointed as he is the love of my life but I'm starting to resent him, feel anxious around him and the arguments have caused us to loose our spark and I just don't know if relationships are supposed to be this hard? Im fully aware that living together is very different to dating but didn't think it would be constant mini battles and simmering bad feelings over silly stuff. I don't know who's to blame either, I feel a lot of it is him but know I'm sensitive and probably not aware of my part in it.
Feel really stuck as I don't want us to split up but we are making each other miserable. Any advice please.

OP posts:
Meniscus · 19/10/2023 22:50

Definitely not that hard. When DH and I started living together it felt entirely natural.

Is there some reason you left it seven years before living together? Maybe you’re not suited to cohabiting, and should go back to living separately, if it worked well that way?

Openocean · 19/10/2023 22:52

It can happen, I would resist the temptation to blame it on your own sensitivity, but probably best if you could give an example of what the arguments are about?

Quitelikeit · 19/10/2023 22:54

But what are you arguing about?

Examples?

PaminaMozart · 19/10/2023 22:55

- there has been expectations on each other. - - -
- constant mini battles and simmering bad feelings over silly stuff
- I don't know who's to blame either, I feel a lot of it is him
- I'm sensitive and probably not aware of my part in it.
- I'm starting to resent him, feel anxious around him

Can you really drill down on each of these issues and try to identify their cores?

If you take away the blaming yourself aspects, what do you find?

If someone makes you question yourself, blame yourself and make you feel anxious, you have a lot of red flags right there!

And resentment is the start of the death of love...

Counselling - for yourself, not joint - would probably be a good idea!

Normalornot1 · 19/10/2023 23:05

How old are you both? Prior were you both living by yourselves or with housemates?

The reason I ask is that I can imagine if, for years and years you have both been used to having your own space independent of each other, where you don't have to consult another person about anything/can do things just the way you like, then I can imagine there might be friction in the early days as you will be having to get used to compromising/taking on other people's opinions/way they go about their daily life.

But I guess it really depends on the nature of the arguments.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 19/10/2023 23:07

Thanks for relplies, I am currently in counseling so that's helpful.

Example would be most recent ones- I'd planned to start back at gym, asked him when would be a good time to take me to help show me ropes on some machines. We agree between 4/5 when he's home. He calls me on way home 4.30, I'm in gym stuff ready to go. He says can we go later after dinner? I said not really as it will much later around 7pm then and I can't really go gym after food. He walks in, Im pissed off. He is really grumpy but then says fine let's go. I didn't want to then.

The day before I was annoyed at the way he spoke to me so we argued about that. When he is tired or busy ( most the time, as am I ) he is really abrupt, rude and acts really pissed off towards me. I'll get upset and he will say it's nothing to do with you, I told you in tired ect but when I'm stressed or whatever I don't take it out on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherhood86 · 19/10/2023 23:11

We are both late 30's and lived for 10 plus years on your own before moving in. I imagined there would be adjusting to be done but this feels like we just don't make each other happy a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 19/10/2023 23:14

Did you previously just not really see him when he was tired or busy?

Otherwise if his behavior to you has become disrespectful as a result of moving in together that's bad news.

Openocean · 19/10/2023 23:24

Okay yeah from your examples it sounds like he’s taking you for granted and treating you like he’s a teenager and you’re the devoted mother who will take it all. The rudeness is the indicator for that.
I think it’s all too normal, but it’s sort of grim as well. If you want to stay in the relationship I suggest you make your own plans be out and about and not too available to him. If he’s rude, just ignore it but remove yourself from the situation. He’ll soon understand being rude will make him lonely. You’re not too sensitive, but try not to be passive aggressive- be cheerful and direct instead or away from the situation.

GrazingSheep · 19/10/2023 23:28

I think I replied on your post about how you dislike your step son.
You need to move out of your partner’s home with you own son and forget about blending families.

Coffeedrinker7 · 19/10/2023 23:34

No it shouldn’t be. But in the nicest possible way, maybe you both need to be kinder to each other?

In the example you give about the gym- he was doing you a favour and asked to go later. If it was me I would have said ok. It’s not a big deal going to the gym after eating, just don’t have a big meal. In the same way- if he agreed to go at 4.30 it’s not fair of him to be grumpy about it. The whole argument just seems like a non-event!

Obviously he shouldn’t speak to you rudely. Can you bring it up and talk about it in a neutral way? Or find out what is stressing him out so much?

BarelyCoping123 · 20/10/2023 00:07

Why did you not move in together sooner? 8 years is a long time to date. If there was a reason, maybe that gives a clue as to why things are so different now that you're living together.
Do you have children? If so, are they living with you both now?

PaminaMozart · 20/10/2023 00:13

GrazingSheep · 19/10/2023 23:28

I think I replied on your post about how you dislike your step son.
You need to move out of your partner’s home with you own son and forget about blending families.

Hang on - is this correct, @Motherhood86 - you both have children? Are they living with you?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2023 00:16

Hate to break it to you, but this man is not the love of your life. You're not even friends. It shouldn't be this hard and this tedious.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 06:25

@ grazing sheep I agree it's not working just not sure why. I was expecting this to be hard and am trying.

@PaminaMozart yes we both have a child, we have blended families and they both live with us full time. I didn't mention in original post as I wanted advice on our relationship separate from the kids.

I guess the gym wasn't a great example but it's triggers bigger feelings as it's difficult to get him to do stuff that doesn't benefit him and always feels like a problem.
He also knew there wasn't another time in week we could both go. But yes I could have been more flexible.

I have spoken about the rudeness, he gets it from his Dad as I have heard the way he speaks. I don't think he is aware of how rude and blunt h comes across or feels that it's justified as hes in a mood. He says he won't do it anymore, he's very understanding when I talk to him but not much changes.

OP posts:
Alphyn · 20/10/2023 08:18

OP, you say that you dated for 8 years prior to moving in together but from your previous posts, isn’t it that you dated for 6 years then split up for 2 years (during which time he dated someone else for a fee months) before deciding to give it another go and blend families? It sounds like it might have been too much too soon after you resumed the relationship, hence the arguments from an early stage of living together. I wonder whether you might be better off living apart and seeing how that goes. It would also leave you less vulnerable if the relationship does end.

Daffodil18 · 20/10/2023 08:52

Some people just cannot live together. I know a couple who have children together but actually live separately and have done for years. I think it came about after a split and decided that it really works for them.

GingerIsBest · 20/10/2023 09:01

You sound a bit needy and he sounds a bit selfish. Not a great combination.

rocknrollaa · 20/10/2023 09:24

GingerIsBest · 20/10/2023 09:01

You sound a bit needy and he sounds a bit selfish. Not a great combination.

This is basically what I was thinking after reading your examples. You don't sound massively compatible for living together.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 10:18

@Alphyn yes thats right, I put 8 years as during the time we were technically spit up we were still seeing each other.
Yes I think living apart maybe better as we don't seem to gel well living together. The problem is he doesn't want a partner who doesn't live with him. He wants a 'family' and will not be happy going back to living with him and his Son and us having a relationship. He would rather split and find a new relationship.

We did definitely rush into moving into together, I think because we were so happy to be finally developing in the relationship and wanted to share our lives more. We found that are lives were more and more separate and that was main reason for split in first place.

I'm not sure if maybe I just don't know how to live with someone and all the challenges it brings with both bringing our own child into the equation makes it feel very difficult.

I have found it difficult just recently with his Son as his behaviour has got worse around me and when I off load to his Dad about it he understandably gets defensive. So that causes tension.

I feel very sad for the boys as they have bonded well on the whole and both would be upset if we split.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 20/10/2023 10:20

Does he want a family set up so that he has a woman around to do the childcare, cooking, cleaning? You haven't said anything about split of chores etc, but I can't help being a bit cynical.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 10:27

@GingerIsBest yes he most definitely does. We have had lots of arguments about chores. I do 95% he works same hours as me but he also has small business that takes up his time. After many months of it being an issue he will now wash up without being asked. Also cooks dinner but needs reminding. The rest is up to me.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 20/10/2023 10:36

Oh for pity's sake.

OP, clearly this man is just a different version of a cocklodger. I hope that he at least contributes financially.

Of course he wants you to stay together - then he doesn't have to parent his son. Honestly, he sounds horrendous. I agree though - it's the children, especially his, who will suffer when you stop living together.

Alphyn · 20/10/2023 11:52

OP, it really sounds like you are putting way more effort into the relationship and blended families arrangement than he is. I get that you want a father figure for your son and you’ve spent 8+ years with this man but that’s just sunken cost fallacy. Look ahead and consider whether this is actually what you want for the next 10, 20, 30 years. Your previous threads indicate you’ve had a whole spectrum of issues since you got back together, it really seems like you’re forcing it because you’re fixated on the 8 years’ history and desire to play happy families (which he doesn’t seem to reciprocate to the same degree).

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 13:07

@Alphyn thank you for replying again, I feel you really understand. I haven't spoke to any of my friends about this as I'm embarrassed it's all going wrong. Im just worried that I'm the problem and whoever I'm with I'll face the same issues. My partner seems to think it's mainly me and I'm controlling and 'hard work'
I know I have my flaws but I honestly think a lot of the problems lay with him. Either way I'm devastated it's not working- my Son loves living with my partner. I don't want this going forward but I also don't want to be on my own. I've been on my own for many years and I know I can be content and get on fine I guess I just think long term getting older I don't want to be single forever. Obviously I would stay for that reason but it's a consideration as I've never met anyone who I've connected with like him. Your right though since we moved in it's been a whole host of issues and it's not getting better

OP posts:
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