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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it like like this for everyone?

71 replies

Motherhood86 · 19/10/2023 22:46

My partner and I dated for a long time, almost 8 years. We decided to move in together about a year ago. We have always had the best relationship I've ever had, he is funny, kind, honest. We really had a lot of fun together. He gets me like nobody else and it's same for him.

The problem is very early into living with each other we have been arguing a lot. It's becoming almost daily now. I really don't know what the underlying cause is, it's been since there has been expectations on each other. We didn't have that when dating. I thought it would settle down but it's getting worse. I'm so disappointed as he is the love of my life but I'm starting to resent him, feel anxious around him and the arguments have caused us to loose our spark and I just don't know if relationships are supposed to be this hard? Im fully aware that living together is very different to dating but didn't think it would be constant mini battles and simmering bad feelings over silly stuff. I don't know who's to blame either, I feel a lot of it is him but know I'm sensitive and probably not aware of my part in it.
Feel really stuck as I don't want us to split up but we are making each other miserable. Any advice please.

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 21/10/2023 03:02

The problem is very early into living with each other we have been arguing a lot. It's becoming almost daily now

Of course its not like this for everyone- what a question! Personally I wouldnt ever be involved in this level of arguing. Its noisy and stressful, a peaceful life is much better. & particularly around children, its disgraceful.

You're not compatible thats why you argue all the time.

billy1966 · 21/10/2023 12:10

MysteryBelle · 21/10/2023 02:09

Sounds like he resents being expected, being asked, to do things for you, for the relationship. Showing you the ropes at the gym, putting your child to bed.

I think he has been a ‘bachelor’ too long, meaning he has only had himself to think about for many years. He dated you for 8 years. What took so long to move in together or marry. He likes doing what he pleases. He only claims he wants a complete family (all living together) so that you will do all the work and he will get to do even less. Surprise! He’s finding out you expect things to be different now that you live together. There are expectations now and he doesn’t like it.

You need to start over with someone else, Op. Be glad you don’t have a child with him. You have a child, he has a child. In his heart of hearts he is a bachelor. He’s in his late 30s. He’s set in his ways and clearly he’s argued with you for a year now. It is not supposed to be that hard. The right one, Op, will be easy as pie. Yes there will be arguments but…how to explain this, the guy will want to live with you, want to come home every night, want to have a partner that he lives with and does things for etc.

Basically, he spent too long on his own and now he’s grumpy as Hades to find he’s stuck living with a ‘nag’ aka a lovely woman who expects the most basic of common decency from her partner.

Bin him and start over before you waste any more time on this obvious loser. He’s a little baby who cries when you ask him to do one thing. Bin.

Edited

Agree with this.

This is absolutely not normal.

There may be a few niggles but absolutely nothing like you describe.

He wants a skivvy who has only the lowest of low expectations.

He's grumpy because you want more.

I cannot believe you have accepted this for a year.

What a loser for your son to be impressed with.

Is this really what you want you child to emulate in future?

Looking for a skivvy to bully?

Be so glad you weren't silly enough to have a child with him.

Don't waste more years trying to fix a very selfish man that only wants to use you.

Move out and move on.

He is no prize.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 22/10/2023 09:41

@LeefsPrings thanks for your reply. He was doing all his housework before and he hated it with a passion. He has made comments about being glad it's not all up to him now. I've had a massive chat with him and basically said I'm ready to go separate ways as things shouldn't be this hard. He has asked me for some time as he says he wants to change and is going to do much more without having to me asked etc. Let's see, the way I'm feeling now I'm not holding out too much hope.

we also chatted about his up and down moods and reactions to things. He says he thinks he's depressed. He has had depression before. Now I'm looking at his behaviour more I think he may have a personality disorder. Anyway that's a whole new post.

OP posts:

LeefsPrings · 22/10/2023 10:30

@Motherhood86 so he used to do his own housework and hated it with a passion, did he? What makes him think that you enjoy it and will happily do his chores as well as your own?!

Gerwurtztraminer · 22/10/2023 11:45

So your reasons for staying are:

my Son will be so upset.
Maybe he will, which you will have to manage, but you matter too, plus your partner isn't being a great role model for relationships is he?

I feel very sad for the boys as they have bonded well
If they are now friends, is there any reason they can't still be mates if living apart? And if not, then ditto above, not a good enough reason to stay

long term getting older I don't want to be single forever
Even you admit this is not a reason to stay in a bad relationship. It's possible to be very happy when single and definitely better than together constantly arguing and feeling miserable

There is a lot of guilt
Guilt over what? That it's not worked out? Sadness and regret is understandable, guilt is pointless and again - not a reason to stay

maybe I just don't know how to live with someone
Or maybe you can't live with this particular guy. But even if it's you, so what? You aren't happy and there is no sign it's getting better.

I don't want to feel like I'm quitting and it would easier with someone else when it might not be,
Why is deciding a relationship isn't working for you 'quitting? And why is 'quitting' a bad thing - you've given it a year fgs. Surely refusing to 'quit' is just flogging a dead horse? And you don't know if it would be just as hard with someone else, as you haven't got a comparison. Lots of people are saying it shouldn't be this hard and that's not their experience of living together.

I'm just being silly thinking it's not this difficult for everyone else.
And it's not usually this difficult, as pp's have said. Relationships can have tough patches but generally they should enhance our lives not make them worse.

Accept the inevitable, OP. Separate. You tried and it's not worked out. Move on.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 05/11/2023 08:14

Thanks for all you replies. It's since got a lot worse. I can't bare to come home now as there is horrible atmosphere between us. I want him to move out. It's going to be horrendous.. obviously it means his Son going too. The boys will be really upset. Im putting off doing it as I don't want to upset the kids. There teenagers and probably old enough to pick up on the fact things aren't great. They will want to know why and I don't know what to tell them? Any ideas on how to explain to a 13and 15 try old please?

OP posts:

Ollifer · 05/11/2023 08:32

I'm confused as to what you mean with your argument about 'putting the kids to bed', they're 13 and 15 surely they don't need putting to bed? I think you're having a lot of petty arguments that don't really need to be a thing, I think you don't really want to live together you're doing it because you're afraid he'll find someone who does want to live with him. You need to really sit and make a decision but don't feel you need to stay because your son likes this man - he will get over it and at 15 he will be moving out himself most likely in a few years and you'll be left living with your bloke in an unhappy relationship.

ampletime · 05/11/2023 08:32

It is not normal. A loving respectful partner will love enough to not squabble over small things.

Its hard with a child, but also better for a child to not be in that environment

Candleabra · 05/11/2023 08:43

You can’t go on like this. Tell him it’s over, he needs to move out and give him a deadline.
Then tell the boys. Don’t apologise.
They may be more relieved than you think, it can’t be nice living in such an atmosphere.

Seaoftroubles · 05/11/2023 09:02

Please separate OP, this won't get any better. The boys will most likely have realised things are not working between you, but you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for the sake of the blended family situation. The boys can still be close friends and you will be much happier without this disrespectful man in your home. You tried and it didn't work, move on.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 05/11/2023 09:32

Thanks, I know I can't stay to keep everyone else happy but it's hard for cause such a huge upheaval for everyone. It's right before Christmas which makes it worse. I just really struggle with what to say to my Son. He needs to make sense of stuff and will help him a lot if I can explain to him but I have no idea what to say without bad mouthing my partner which I dont want to do.

Is it enough to just say we tried but we don't make each other happy?

OP posts:

Candleabra · 05/11/2023 09:38

Is it enough to just say we tried but we don't make each other happy?

Absolutely. I would think twice about keeping the status quo because of Christmas too. You said your son is 15. Is this an exam year? There will never be an ideal time but you can’t live in this atmosphere. Be brave and do it now. You’ll honestly feel so much better. Good luck.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 05/11/2023 09:43

Hi yes it's year 10 so GCSE is in full swing. He's doing so well with everything right now I'm just so sad I have to do this. He has loved having my partner here and his Son and really embraced being in a 'family' for the first time as it's always just been me and him. It's heartbreaking to take that away.

OP posts:

BackAgainstWall · 05/11/2023 09:53

You do sound extremely sensitive.

And he sounds a bit direct, and doesn’t hide his feelings when he’s tired (a lot of people don’t).

With the gym incidence, it was no big deal and I can understand him coming in after work and wanting to go later.

Sorry but your reaction was very immature.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/11/2023 10:18

You both sound as if you are uncompromising and controlling, having arguments over a change of plan or putting teenagers to bed is downright ridiculous. What does doing bedtime even mean at that age- surely it’s just “ time for bed now, goodnight.”
But if neither of you are happy and it’s not working, then best to split sooner rather than later, and just tell your son the truth, that you are happier apart so you won’t be living together any more. That you understand that he has enjoyed having them, but it’s not working.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 05/11/2023 10:20

Thanks for replying @BackAgainstWall perhaps I am too sensitive. He is tired a lot of the time so his moods and my sensitivity are not a great combination.

OP posts:

occhiazzurri · 05/11/2023 10:28

Have you had any counselling or professional help with how to communicate effectively? It seems to me on the basis of the limited information you have offered that neither of you is able to communicate effectively without upsetting the other. I think it is always helpful to also have a discussion about chores/household work before anyone moves in together with a partner rather than after you move it and get help (eg cleaner) if you can afford it.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 05/11/2023 12:07

I've had my own counselling and he has also but we haven't had couples counseling. At the moment it's not something we can afford..I agree with you, out communication is terrible and I think we are both quite childish. I just don't think it's at a point where we can salvage it and I'm not sure we even could.

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 05/11/2023 12:17

OP, it absolutely is ok to say you tried but couldn't make each other happy.
If you want to have one more go at salvaging things then try to afford the couples counselling. Make it a Christmas present to yourselves! Make sure your partner knows that this is make or break. Communication is everything and you admit you and he are terrible in this department so this is a chance for you to learn where you are going wrong.

billy1966 · 05/11/2023 12:51

So unbelievable that you are staying away from your own home because of this lazy user and his son.

It is so sad that you cannot see how messed up your thinking is.

You do not owe your son this treatment of you.....feelibg forced out of your own home.

FinallyHere · 05/11/2023 20:39

I think you might be surprised by how your don reacts. If you can explain that you have tried and it doesn't work, you may find d that he has picked up even if subconsciously on the tension which is around.

I wouldn't mention anything until you have done answers about who is going to live where.

However that works out, it's really not fair to put the responsibility for you staying in such an unhappy and uncomfortable relationship on your child.

Big girl pants on. Your life will get better and better.

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