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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it like like this for everyone?

71 replies

Motherhood86 · 19/10/2023 22:46

My partner and I dated for a long time, almost 8 years. We decided to move in together about a year ago. We have always had the best relationship I've ever had, he is funny, kind, honest. We really had a lot of fun together. He gets me like nobody else and it's same for him.

The problem is very early into living with each other we have been arguing a lot. It's becoming almost daily now. I really don't know what the underlying cause is, it's been since there has been expectations on each other. We didn't have that when dating. I thought it would settle down but it's getting worse. I'm so disappointed as he is the love of my life but I'm starting to resent him, feel anxious around him and the arguments have caused us to loose our spark and I just don't know if relationships are supposed to be this hard? Im fully aware that living together is very different to dating but didn't think it would be constant mini battles and simmering bad feelings over silly stuff. I don't know who's to blame either, I feel a lot of it is him but know I'm sensitive and probably not aware of my part in it.
Feel really stuck as I don't want us to split up but we are making each other miserable. Any advice please.

OP posts:

GingerIsBest · 20/10/2023 13:17

Aaah, "controlling and hard work". Does he also complain that you "nag"?

Classic control techniques by men to get out of actually pulling their weight.

MaryJanesonabreak · 20/10/2023 13:17

Also consider if you want your son to grow up being rude and disrespectful and expect his partner to do 95% of the chores.

EvenBetta · 20/10/2023 13:30

‘constant mini battles and simmering bad feelings’ and you being anxious and daily fights= a disgraceful, damaging environment to inflict on your kid just because you don’t want to be single. You need to do better for your kid.
The sole point in a relationship is that it’s meant to enhance your life, it’s meant to be fun.

monsteramunch · 20/10/2023 16:27

We have had lots of arguments about chores. I do 95% he works same hours as me but he also has small business that takes up his time. After many months of it being an issue he will now wash up without being asked. Also cooks dinner but needs reminding. The rest is up to me.

So he fundamentally believes that cooking and cleaning are women's work? Nice.

Do you want your child to grow up thinking it's acceptable for two people to work full time and one of them to do 95% of chores simply because they have a vagina rather than a penis?

frozendaisy · 20/10/2023 16:36

Say this was better before let's live separate again.

First step.

Now you KNOW what he is like to actually live with you can reassess once in separate buildings again.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 17:55

Yes I agree it's not really fair that I do it all, he did want to start a business and I stupidly said I'd do most the housework as if business takes off we will both be better off financially. The difference is now I'm working more as I need the money and when I said most I didn't mean all!

Anyhow he is definitely doing more now so that's a plus but it's not really about that. He is very moody up and down a lot. I just find it stressful, all of it and felt much more peace on my own. On the other hand I know relationships are not easy so don't want to feel like I'm quitting and it would easier with someone else when it might not be, I'm just being silly thinking it's not this difficult for everyone else.

OP posts:

perfectcolourfound · 20/10/2023 18:11

He sounds dreadful.

So you work harder than him, do the lion's share of housework etc, but he thinks YOU are hard work???

You would be better off without him. Your son would be better off without having him as a role model.

EvenBetta · 20/10/2023 18:11

Relationships are not meant to be difficult, they’re for life enhancement and fun, that’s the whole point. You’re losing out on earnings, living in a toxic environment and worst of all, you’re inflicting your poor choice of boyfriend on your kid.

Of course he’d dump you if you moved out- he’d lose his cleaner and sex provider. Honestly, you need to raise your standards, your choice will be actively damaging your kid as well as showing him a vile example of misogyny.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 18:31

@frozendaisy yes I'm thinking that but worried about my Son too, he has loved it so much having my partner around. Doing male stuff and having a man to chat to about cool boy stuff. I don't even know what I'd say, how to explain to him. He is 15.

OP posts:

EvenBetta · 20/10/2023 18:34

🙄 of course he doesn’t love being made to live with your slovenly, argumentative boyfriend.

FinallyHere · 20/10/2023 19:08

yes he most definitely does. We have had lots of arguments about chores. I do 95% he works same hours as me but he also has small business that takes up his time.

Run.

Seriously.

Run from anyone who leaves you to do 90% of the chores and is grumpy into the bargain. He is literally telling you he wants you to do the lion's share of the parenting and household chores.

Run.

He is very moody up and down a lot

Run.

221BBakerSt · 20/10/2023 19:32

A good relationship IS fairly easy - it’s respectful and there is active listening and healthy non-resentful compromise. How long have you been living together?

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 20:21

@221BBakerSt we have been living together almost a year.

OP posts:

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 22:38

@221BBakerSt I think non resentful compromise is what we are missing.. this eve, another argument. I went to go to bed about 10. Normally let the kids stay up later on weekends. I got into bed and asked him to put them to bed, he got annoyed and said I was 'suddenly' jumping into bed to get out of doing bedtime!?

That I should do it as he's been up since 5am to work then gym and dinner with a mate.
I did bedtime yesterday and said to him it was up to him to go gym and dinner and thats not a reason not to do bedtime.
He then left room In a hump told both boys to get in bed without brushing their teeth ( so I got up abd reminded them) he is now sleeping on sofa

I feel like I'm going mad

OP posts:

Traysho · 20/10/2023 22:58

Are you clinging to a dream OP? A happy ever after?

it sounds to me like you are and your bar is set a bit too low.

This relationship isn’t going to work long term: I think you know that but can’t face the fallout of a break up.

In reality you made a mistake rushing into living together after splitting up and it’s not worked out. You need to unravel this and go back to living on your own with your son.

This man sounds like hard work and all this “love of my life” stuff is just romanticising things in your head.

You are still young. Don’t waste your life.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 23:10

@Traysho thank you for your reply- I think I'm starting to feel like it won't..it's so hard as my Son will be so upset. He really looks up to my partner and since we moved in my Son has come out of his room so much more, he wants to be around to tell my partner stuff, get him opinions on his latests projects etc I know it sounds silly but it will so so horrible for both boys after them spending a year together to split. But I know I can't stay for that reason.

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 20/10/2023 23:13

@Motherhood86

You said that he would rather split up than live apart because he wants a family. After those are his feelings aft 8 years, it sounds as the he wants a person to fill in a slot. It does not sound as though he would be upset about Los you as a person. He would ju. st look for someone else to fill that role or slot.

It is not particularly reasonable to expect him to respond to to stress in the same way that you do. Different people respond in different ways. It sounds as though neither of you are particularly flexible. Living apart in this situation may be best, but if he is unwilling to consider living apart then leave him. Obviously, living together isn't bringing any joy to either of you.

Traysho · 20/10/2023 23:21

I’m sorry OP but the son bit just adds to the romanticising the relationship. Would your son be happy to see him mum unhappy? Sleeping in the sofa?

You can paint the happy every after story in your head a thousand times but the reality is different.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 23:25

@Traysho I know you're right. Although all those points are things to consider none of them go above the fact that I'm not happy and this isn't working. There is a lot of guilt but I'll need to just find a way through that.

OP posts:

LeefsPrings · 20/10/2023 23:38

Motherhood86 · 20/10/2023 10:27

@GingerIsBest yes he most definitely does. We have had lots of arguments about chores. I do 95% he works same hours as me but he also has small business that takes up his time. After many months of it being an issue he will now wash up without being asked. Also cooks dinner but needs reminding. The rest is up to me.

He's not incapable of doing chores - who was doing all his chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare etc before you became his housekeeper moved in together?

I'm guessing that in his eyes, one of the reasons for moving in together was so he wouldn't have to do any of that boring stuff any more, because that's what women are for. He wasn't expecting you to become resentful of that.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/10/2023 23:39

Motherhood86 · 19/10/2023 22:46

It was like that when my ex and I moved in with each other and then I was pregnant so it was so much worse - don't get pregnant until this is sorted out.

It's hard to tell from
Your post if these are teething or roommate type issues or more - can you get couples counselling to try and mediate?

billy1966 · 20/10/2023 23:41

OP,

He wanted a skivvy, thatvis absolutely clear.

He is now a grumpy difficult bully who berates you and blames you when you push back.

I am so sorry but you are really being used here.

He's building HIS business andvusing you as an unpaid skivvy.

There is nothing in this relationship for you.

The tell was him rushing you to move in.

You are his uppity cleaner.

You deserve better.

Your son will get over this.

ninjasnap · 21/10/2023 01:25

Protect your son.

Move out.

MysteryBelle · 21/10/2023 02:09

Sounds like he resents being expected, being asked, to do things for you, for the relationship. Showing you the ropes at the gym, putting your child to bed.

I think he has been a ‘bachelor’ too long, meaning he has only had himself to think about for many years. He dated you for 8 years. What took so long to move in together or marry. He likes doing what he pleases. He only claims he wants a complete family (all living together) so that you will do all the work and he will get to do even less. Surprise! He’s finding out you expect things to be different now that you live together. There are expectations now and he doesn’t like it.

You need to start over with someone else, Op. Be glad you don’t have a child with him. You have a child, he has a child. In his heart of hearts he is a bachelor. He’s in his late 30s. He’s set in his ways and clearly he’s argued with you for a year now. It is not supposed to be that hard. The right one, Op, will be easy as pie. Yes there will be arguments but…how to explain this, the guy will want to live with you, want to come home every night, want to have a partner that he lives with and does things for etc.

Basically, he spent too long on his own and now he’s grumpy as Hades to find he’s stuck living with a ‘nag’ aka a lovely woman who expects the most basic of common decency from her partner.

Bin him and start over before you waste any more time on this obvious loser. He’s a little baby who cries when you ask him to do one thing. Bin.

OzziePopPop · 21/10/2023 02:46

He’s an absolutely terrible example for your son. Would you want your son treating his future partner like this?? I certainly want more for my son!

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