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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH using guilt to stop me leaving - please help me!

56 replies

Divcoop · 19/10/2023 16:54

After getting the silent treatment for days, my DH has started to become communicative again. This attitude has gone on for years and it always throws and upsets me. I’ve had enough and I am now taking steps to separate.

He’s started with the ‘woe is me’ act again, that he is depressed, he is lonely, he wants to fight for our marriage and for me. I just can’t face this ‘sad, vulnerable’ side any longer but I feel really bad ignoring it. If I give in and be kind, eventually the awful behaviour will start again with him taking me for granted and treating me horribly.

Am I really being awful, am I behaving like a cruel wife? How do I stand firm as I’m finally ready to leave and I think he knows this, hence the manipulation and guilt throwing at me, with the so called terrible and lonely time he is having.

OP posts:

Redannie118 · 19/10/2023 16:59

When i finally seperated from my abusive exh and he did the " Woah is me" bit about how he would change, fight for us blah blah blah I said " You dont honestly think that after treating me this way for ( X amount of years) I still love you, do you? " That seemed to hammer it home.
Just remember if you have a wobble, hes sad for himself- not for you.

Ragruggers · 19/10/2023 16:59

You are not cruel you have had enough.I would say very little don’t try and explain he knows exactly what he is doing.Can you go out and spend time with friends whilst you plan how you leave? Are you able to leave what is your housing situation and finances? Good luck.

cestlavielife · 19/10/2023 17:01

Ignore his drama and crocodile tears.

Paperbagsaremine · 19/10/2023 17:03

You could just go and stay somewhere else to "have some space", "clear your head".
And then not come back.

Millybob · 19/10/2023 17:04

You don't mention children, so I'm assuming you don't have any.
Don't do guilt! If he's depressed and lonely, that's for him to deal with - it's not your job to mend him. Why should he be allowed to drag you down with him? He's miserable (and manipulative) anyway, so he might as well be miserable on his own.
Close your ears - deal with the practicalities of separating and leave him to it. You've had years of this already, don't let him blight the only life you've got.

MaryJanesonabreak · 19/10/2023 17:06

If he’s that bothered why is he continually behaving so badly? If he actually cared about you and loved you he would be loving and thoughtful. Keep that in the front of your mind and crack on.

Pixiedust1234 · 19/10/2023 17:11

He’s started with the ‘woe is me’ act again, that he is depressed, he is lonely, he wants to fight for our marriage and for me.
Tell him if he really means it then he needs to see his GP regarding his depression, and counselling for himself so he can be a better husband that's worth staying for. If he actually does that then maybe he will become the man you fell in love with but we both know he won't put any effort into saving the marriage in which case you can turn it back on him totally guilt free. Marriage needs both of you to work on it and if he won't even try then it's over. From your point of view its win, win.

Millybob · 19/10/2023 17:23

Tell him if he really means it then he needs to see his GP regarding his depression, and counselling for himself so he can be a better husband that's worth staying for. If he actually does that then maybe he will become the man you fell in love with but we both know he won't put any effort into saving the marriage in which case you can turn it back on him totally guilt free. Marriage needs both of you to work on it and if he won't even try then it's over. From your point of view its win, win.

Of course, he won't make any effort - that's obvious. So why waste any more time on him? You make it sound like female guilt is a kind of exit tax on a bad marriage.

Bloah · 19/10/2023 17:25

You sound strong and certain, stick with that. A friend told me to always bear in mind one thing that you know to be true for when you waver - I’m going through something similar (DH rejected me and now wants me back) and have a couple of things I tell myself when I’m feeling unsure or guilt tripped. Eg for you it could be that (rightly!) you won’t put up with silent treatment and awful behaviour anymore, and you don’t trust that he will change.

TheTellTaleHeart · 19/10/2023 17:43

This is emotional abuse. It may not stand out as typically abusive behaviour, most people tend to think in terms of violence. Emotional rollercoasters or hot/cold behaviour patterns are used to manipulate you and keep you engaged and focused on him and his needs.

Have a read of Lundy Bancroft’s book “why does he do that” I think you’ll find your partner under Mr. Sensitive/the victim. It’s available on line so you can read it tonight. Today or tomorrow, if you can, call Refuge to chat to someone who will understand exactly what you’re going through. They’ll help you make a plan to leave. You do need to leave.

Original poster

Divcoop · 19/10/2023 17:45

Oh god, wow, I’m pleased I posted as I have been totally wavering with his attitude. Thank you for all your responses. It really is him playing mind games with me again isn’t it? When I’ve previously argued back, he tells me I’m being cruel and asks why am I treating him terribly? I read the other day this is called reactive abuse and it hit home. He totally fails to understand that he treats ME awfully. He wants me to listen to his woes and problems, to help him deal with his pain, despite the last few days and over the years making me depressed and very ill with his behaviour. I find it hard though to maintain my stance as I don’t like seeing others sad or in pain. He knows this though doesn’t he? He keeps texting me and asking me to help him understand why everything is terrible now. He says it’s breaking him….

OP posts:

LeefsPrings · 19/10/2023 17:48

He's trying the manipulation because he knows it worked before.

You know all too well what will happen if you give in and stay, so stick to your plans and leave. Life is too short to be stuck with someone who is horrible to you and then makes you feel guilty about it.

Original poster

Divcoop · 19/10/2023 17:49

He is very very manipulative, do you think he is dangerous and could harm me physically @TheTellTaleHeart ? Why Refuge?

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 19/10/2023 17:49

As a pp said, crocodile tears. Ignore and continue with your plan. Onwards and upwards.

TwilightSkies · 19/10/2023 17:51

He knows exactly what he’s doing. And you know it’s bullshit. Be strong! Just be prepared for him to become nasty when he realises his fake sad act isn’t fooling you.

You can break the cycle. Detach emotionally. Don’t react. Let him do his dramatics while you stick to your guns.

Theunamedcat · 19/10/2023 17:53

Urgh I hate people like this the boys dad does this with his sons joke is on him this time he has been "gone" so long they decided he can stay gone they both have autism and struggle with changes so back and forth behaviour is disruptive so they ditched when he figures it out he will be so pissed he is expecting to come back to open arms its not going to happen

wintertimeisbest · 19/10/2023 18:02

Many years ago i was with someone that would do the same.
He would threaten to take his own life if I left him.
One day i had enough and went to a womans refuge with only the close on my back and a tenner changed my number never looked back.
He didnt take his life years later i saw him with someone else he didnt recognize me i walked straight past.
Felt sorry for the new woman but she was most likely not the first one,
Dont stay any longer just go.
Its all apart of abuse that abusers use mind games.
If you can pack a bag do it and go womens aid in a different town start again.
You can always start again but you cant get back the years he stole from you.
Dont waste time.
My ex stole 10 years from me with mind games.

TwilightSkies · 19/10/2023 18:06

Oh yes, they all threaten suicide. It’s part of the script. Some of them, when they realise their tactics won’t work on you anymore, try to contact your family and friends and use them to try and guilt trip you.

thequeenoftarts · 19/10/2023 18:11

Yep, the I'm going to kill myself and it will be all your fault, will soon make an appearance. Ignore it too, 1) you wont get that lucky, 2 ) ppl who tell you they will kill themselves are another level of evil. 3) Even if he does, thats a problem on him, not on you and shows he was unstable all along.

Might sound harsh but I lived with it for years, until I told him to stop talking about it and start doing it. Yeah nope he is still alive and no doubt making someone elses life a misery

EarthSight · 19/10/2023 18:17

This sounds really hard on you. He probably went for you as he could see that you were an empathetic person. It's difficult to know sometimes if something is premeditated and manipulative, or if someone is so truly wrapped up in themselves that they see themselves as a victim to everything. Those types will see the world through their narcissism.

When I’ve previously argued back, he tells me I’m being cruel and asks why am I treating him terribly

Yes I'm afraid he will do that because unpleasant people like getting their own way all the time, even if it damages other people. Some people learn early in life that they can't get what they want by shouting or normal bullying. Instead, they've learnt that it's far more effective to make themselves out ot be the injured party, putting other well meaning or kind hearted people on the defensive.

2022NewTimes · 19/10/2023 18:21

@Divcoop He has shown you his disrespect in the way he treats you. Thats who is so believe him. He may try to change to stop you leaving but once he feels safe he will start with his bad behaviour again as that is who he is...

Even if he could possibly change - it there enough love left on your side that you actually would want to stay if he did ?

FinallyHere · 19/10/2023 18:57

so called terrible and lonely time he is having

Anytime you feel yourself tempted to be 'kind' to him, remember that his behaviour is deliberate in order to control you.

Once he notices that the 'woe is my' stick isn't working he will switch to something else. Possibly anger. Be prepared.

He could just as easily be lovely to you, he chooses not to be. Should tell you everything you need to know. The sooner you get out the better.

PurpleBugz · 19/10/2023 18:59

That's emotional abuse. As soon as you are committed to staying he will change back as you know from experience with him. Don't fall for it again

My ex did this. Somehow twisting it backto he's depressed because of me and I ended up trying harder to make him happy because poor him he was depressed. I felt absolutely terrible leaving him. But I can assure you once you have your own home the stark difference in the atmosphere and not worrying about how he will react to you and not putting a selfish manipulative black hole of a man above your own needs is absolutely liberating. He will make you feel selfish for leaving but he wants you to stay because he is selfish and doesn't care about you.

Try find a woman's aid offering the freedom program. You can do it online but I think if you can do it in an actual group of people it's sooo much better because it hammers home how gaslight we are. You will hear other's stories and have no doubt they were treated badly but hear them voicing doubts and repeat their abusers manipulations. You will reassure them they don't deserve to be treated that way. And they will do the same for you. I got so so much from the others when I did it. Honestly suspecting you are being manipulated and then really understanding what is happening are so very different. Once you understand you don't feel guilty anymore

Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2023 19:00

Stop being your own worst enemy and leave him already. He's the same manipulative, gaslighting prick he's always been, he'll never change, and all you're doing is wasting your time. Ignore his bullshit and get out of there.

Pixiedust1234 · 19/10/2023 19:19

Millybob · 19/10/2023 17:23

Of course, he won't make any effort - that's obvious. So why waste any more time on him? You make it sound like female guilt is a kind of exit tax on a bad marriage.

She wont be wasting any more time on him...because he won't do it. But he will know she knows he's bullshitting her and will do one of two things. Either threaten to kill himself (offering to phone police for welfare check soon stops that) or he will start the process of leaving the marriage "to show her". It's about calling his bluff. Why? Because the OP needs to see for herself that he is actually trying to manipulate and guilt her. It's a way for her to stop feeling guilty and able to walk away. Of course she shouldn't have to do it...but that is how abusive relationships are. Normal ways do not apply.

You make it sound like female guilt is a kind of exit tax on a bad marriage.
My intention was the opposite. She says she is feeling guilty, not me.

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