DH using guilt to stop me leaving - please help me!

[Divcoop]

After getting the silent treatment for days, my DH has started to become communicative again. This attitude has gone on for years and it always throws and upsets me. I’ve had enough and I am now taking steps to separate.

He’s started with the ‘woe is me’ act again, that he is depressed, he is lonely, he wants to fight for our marriage and for me. I just can’t face this ‘sad, vulnerable’ side any longer but I feel really bad ignoring it. If I give in and be kind, eventually the awful behaviour will start again with him taking me for granted and treating me horribly.

Am I really being awful, am I behaving like a cruel wife? How do I stand firm as I’m finally ready to leave and I think he knows this, hence the manipulation and guilt throwing at me, with the so called terrible and lonely time he is having.

@Divcoop - it took me a long time ( nearly three years ) from when I said to myself that I had enough - to when I actually left.....
Be kind to yourself - you will get there - plan and do it on your terms.....x

My husband did this. Would swear blind to me that he would 100% change and everything was going to be great between us from now on. And it would be great… for a few days. He would ALWAYS go back to being cold and distant again and making me feel like I was treading on eggshells. This cycle happens about 50 times before he had worn me down so much and destroyed my self esteem that I felt like I had completely fallen out of love with me and didn’t care what happened to him anymore

My XH was like this. Treated me badly, I was married to him for over 10 years before I realised it was, in fact, abusive. It’s a classic tactic to blame you (read up on DARVO). I read the Lundy Bancroft book and did the online Freedom Programme which helped me see him for what he was. Also a feature in his family dynamics. If it is narcissism (not saying it definitely is) it does run in families.

My H hasn’t made any effort in our relationship for years. He blamed me. He claimed depression but wouldn’t see a counsellor or talk to his doctor about medication (he was on some which didn’t help). He refused to have sex. I stopped trying. In the end, I told him I wanted to separate. He agreed and then spent the next day doing what I can only describe as ‘crying at me’. He even commented that he was more upset than I was…I felt like saying ‘I did my crying every time you rejected me and slept in a separate room..every time you refused to watch some TV with me and chose to game instead…when you sabotaged a “date night” because you didn’t want to spend time with me’. Then he said he wanted a ‘trial separation’ where we dated again. He gave up on that quickly, turns out he met someone else very quickly. He said it was a couple of months but I found out he was messaging her the day after he moved out 🤷🏻‍♀️
You will need to stand your ground. Get your ducks in a row. Grey rock him, no reactions, just calm. Expect him to up his behaviours in frustration if you don’t give him the feedback he needs…he will likely look elsewhere for it after a while.
do check out Caroline Strawson’s social media and website for information on Narcissitic abuse and see if it rings any bells.

@2022NewTimes Thank you I think it will take time for me to leave as I have children in the mix who adore him (they and others don’t experience his other side). I am really relieved I can post on here.

@Lupin61 and particularly @ThisWormHasTurned I think I’m married to the same person, why the hell are they like this? Do they not see the pain they cause. Only this morning I had to ring him as I’m working today, and he is not, to ask if children are up for kids club. No reply, although I know his phone is on…..

I’ll look up CS too, thanks

Nope sadly there’s more than one around! He’s in a relationship now but he’s living with her and her kids from a previous marriage. I’m watching from a distance like watching a slow car cash.
I don’t think it has ever occurred to XH that he could help with childcare in the school holidays. He never offers. I sort it out separate from him.

He will be fine when you leave, they always are.

It just suits him the current set up. He doesn't care if it doesn't suit you.