DH using guilt to stop me leaving - please help me!

[Divcoop]

After getting the silent treatment for days, my DH has started to become communicative again. This attitude has gone on for years and it always throws and upsets me. I’ve had enough and I am now taking steps to separate.

He’s started with the ‘woe is me’ act again, that he is depressed, he is lonely, he wants to fight for our marriage and for me. I just can’t face this ‘sad, vulnerable’ side any longer but I feel really bad ignoring it. If I give in and be kind, eventually the awful behaviour will start again with him taking me for granted and treating me horribly.

Am I really being awful, am I behaving like a cruel wife? How do I stand firm as I’m finally ready to leave and I think he knows this, hence the manipulation and guilt throwing at me, with the so called terrible and lonely time he is having.

all sounds pretty deserved to me [as in, him being miserable, depressed and lonely]

Silent treatment = stonewalling = narcissistic abuse tactic.

Wow is me = narcissistic abuse tactic.

You are worth so much more than that man baby!!!!

hi @Divcoop

I went through the same when I left my ex. “Why are you being so angry/harsh/uncompromising”, promises to go to therapy, change, go on meds, stop drinking - suicide threats etc as well.

I had begged him to do all over those things over many years and he refused, he never showed me an iota of empathy or any willingness to address these ongoing issues (we were together 21 years, married for 13, 2 kids).

It was only when there were direct consequences - to him - from his behaviour that he suddenly found a willingness to address his issues (or pretend to). To me, that was just more proof of his selfishness.

In addition
(a) I had no faith any chance would be sustainable;
(b) even if it was, his treatment of me over so many years meant that for me, I was done.

That was last November and the process of splitting has been really stressful but I haven’t regretted it for a moment. He was psychotically angry and abusive for the first 6 or so months, but now seems to have moved on with a new gf and has calmed down and is generally fairly civil (still a completely selfish cock but that’s no longer my problem - at least not to the extent it was!)

It's quite simple really. You don't exist to make him happy (or even just less miserable). Being with him is making you unhappy and you don't see that changing in future. Relationships are voluntary and you are entitled to prioritise your own happiness over his.

You are a person in your own right, not some sort of half-human that exists as an adjunct to his 'woe is me' show.

What happened in the relationship? Are you currently living together? It would be good to have more context with all of this.

@TheTellTaleHeart I’m not the op but that Lundy Bancroft info is very enlightening, thank you.
I don’t want to derail the thread but would you recommend stating to a DH that you think they display traits of being a ‘victim/sensitive’ abuser. It’s difficult for them to believe that they are anything but perfect.
Or is it better to just ‘safeguard’ this knowledge and try to make definite plans to leave?
And good luck @Divcoop you sound enlightened and determined to get your life back. As other people have said, don’t waver. Easier said than done, but so encouraging that others have managed to do it!

@WindUpBird its not your job to persuade your H what traits he does or doesn’t have. Is your objective in doing so that you think if he could just see it, he might change and you might be able to salvage your relationship? That’s unlikely in my experience and from what I’ve learned here.

My DH found my copy of Why Does He Do That (after rifling through all my drawers, handbags etc looking for evidence of an affair - because why else would I leave him?) and I found him sitting out on the deck ostentatiously reading it and listing all the ways it didn’t apply to him.

The book later disappeared and when I said to him I thought it was pathetic that he had clearly got rid of it, it showed up in my bedside drawer where it had apparently been all along. Classic gaslighting- it’s like they’ve all gone on the same course.

Obviously I’m not going to go diagnosing your husband off the back of one or two posts, however, it’s more the way you write than anything that makes me think he sounds like a classic narcissist, because I used to think all of these things myself - the doubt (am I being the bad guy here?) the guilt (I really should be there for him more) the questioning (hang on is this really ok or am I mad?). Oh and the silent treatment! Well adjusted people don’t do that to people the care about. I’m sure if you Google narcissism plenty of the symptoms will flag up to you.

Get the heck out of there. You’ll grieve because you have to let go of an image of a person you loved, and they can be so incredibly charming and nice when they want to be.

Also, if they are a narcissist, you won’t get real closure. They’ll never apologise for the way they made you feel as they can’t see past the end of their own nose. Just remember- the lack of apology was the closure. The lack of respect was the closure. The lack of accountability was the closure. The lack of care was the closure. You cannot heal a person who keeps using their own pain as an excuse to hurt you.

How many of his arguments revolve around YOU and your feelings, how you've experienced the relationship, what you want? Oh that's right, none. It's all about him isn't it. There's your clue that he still doesn't really care about you or want to work at a loving relationship, no matter what he says.

When I’ve previously argued back, he tells me I’m being cruel and asks why am I treating him terribly?

IF YOU FEEL SAFE I would suggest responding by coldly looking him the eye and saying 'because I don't love you or care about you anymore'. That'll shut the whiny bastard up IME.

I’m feeling really embarrassed to post this. He started to cry, did everything that others have posted about their former partners.

I was a mug, I felt bad and sorry for him. I comforted him, against all the feedback on here and against my better judgement. He was so happy, hugging trying to kiss me, he has crept back into our bed the last few days but I’ve felt nothing just tired, spaced out and exhausted.

Today, he’s back to being a prick, turned the kids against me and made me out to be a mean bitch and him the poor dad that mum is cruel to. I don’t want to go into here on the details as it’s outing but this isn’t unusual for him where family is concerned.

I know I’ll get I told you so from you all, I deserve it! I’m feeling really overwhelmed and annoyed at how stupid I was to have my mind messed with again!! I will do the freedom programme and get the Lundy book.

He won’t win, but it is so very hard to be in battle with him.

I hope someone replies, if only to lambast me for not being strong. I hate being this way so much.

Well now you know.
Next time dont believe his tears
Be ready for them but send him elsewhere to his mates, his family to be comforted.

Be ready next time after the tears and you ignore them. He will threaten suicide and /or get angry.

999 police for suicide threats ( "you need profesional help"
999 if he beating the door down

And if you are such mean bitch he will be happier without you right?

I feel like I could write this thread myself, although I have split from my ex we share a child and he still tries to guilt trip me that we're not together asif the whole thing is my fault. He really can turn on the charm and make you feel bad for him.. even wonder why you broke up and the boom reality hits and he's a prick again. It's so hard OP so don't be hard on yourself. You just need some distance and your own peace and quiet and somewhere you realise the atmosphere is so much nicer. You'll get there x

OP, it sounds to me like you'd be happier if you end your relationship with him and this is something you have every right to do, regardless of his thoughts and feelings.

You do not need to be the person, and are actually the wrong person, to help him with whatever thoughts and feelings you leaving him throws up for him. There are millions of people in this works who can help him if he wants help, he just needs to seek it.

This is what you need to focus on. Whether you are in the right or wrong, you want to leave and so you should. Whether he copes or not, that is not down to you, or for you to fix for him.

You trying to help him and make things better isn't actually kind to either of you, despite what he thinks.

Thank you for your replies. I totally know I shouldn’t be there to pander to him, and I will try and do everything in my willpower not to fall for it again.

He’s still watching movies with the kids and I’ve just had a bath and I’m getting ready to go to bed. I miss having the confidence and energy to go out on a Saturday night. The stress and shitshow with his awful attitude and behaviour has destroyed me. I hope I get my life back again. At the moment even keeping my distance from him and thinking about my next steps to leave feels really scary.

He's done you a favour there because now you don't have to even wonder if it's an act or if he's for real - you know he isn't.

I would do two things - first, make a list of all the shit he's pulled and if you start to waver, read through it. Second, picture what your life is going to be like when he's out of the picture and you don't have to tiptoe around him and his appalling behaviour. Make it as specific and real as you can, and keep thinking of what you have to look forward to.

I'm sorry OP, he sounds awful and you'll be so much better off without him.

Thank you for the suggestions @noodlezoodle He really is bloody awful and yet he makes me look like the bad person to others, all the time!

Again, if you are such a bad person, he needs to leave and be free of you

(Of course his answer will be that you need to change...but dont even respond....)

Life is short. Be happy.

Worrying what others think is the trap you need to learn to avoid. Worrying about him at your own expense is self sabotage and you need to understand what that says about how you feel about you. He can’t exploit your low esteem if you improve it. The power isn’t with him, it’s within you, you just need support finding it.

You won't get an I told you so from me. He's abusive.

How's your exit plan coming together? You may need to get a non molestation order or contact the police when he is out to prevent him from coming back x

Even if he is depressed you aren't a therapist. My exh tried the depressed card. He had reason fair enough. .. But opted to refuse GP suggestion of antidepressants. . Got sleeping pills and used to taunt me by taking a few and saying if he died it was my fault. Managed to play pool, golf and get to the pub but school runs and shopping were too much... Get the fuck rid op. It really is his mh or yours.. Fight for yourself ffs!!

Thank you everyone. I’m up and heading out to see family today. Silent treatment from him as usual. No attempt to communicate from him - not that I’d want to. He really doesn’t see how soul destroying and destructive his behaviour is.

I’d already started my exit strategy, it will take time though as I know he will refuse to leave. I’m going to do the reading and therapy. I always put off but I need to do to stop falling for his woe is me act.

Sometimes it's hard to see abuse until others point it out. Your eyes are slowly opening but your brain is still in denial (it took me a good six months to see properly). Keep watching and you will see the cycle of abuse. Keep reading and you will see they all follow the same pattern of manipulation, there is no deviation . Dont be so hard on yourself, if it was that easy to spot/understand then no woman would be in an abusive relationship.

Congratulations on starting to plan your exit. Make a one off appointment with a solicitor so you know what your legal options are, it really does help with the planning. Keep posting