I've fucked everything up

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

DH and I have never been perfect. We love each other but end up in stupid arguments which snowball into massive issues. Time and time again it happens. We are just about to try a second round of couples therapy. I'm so afraid and confused. I want to walk away just so it doesn't hurt anynore. But we have 2 small children. I don't work. I'm not sure if I'll ever be brave enough to say we are done.

I feel like a hollow shelll just walking around.

I'm sorry op.
Do you have any happiness in this relationship at all? What are your arguments about?

We really do and that's why it's so hard. Lots of times are nice, lovely _ in some ways he's a brilliant husband. But I'm so tired of walking on a floor that will turn to quicksand in a heartbeat and I have no idea when it's coming

The children are largely shielded from it but I don't want them growing up thinking this is normal.

We've also been through so much change. In the last year we've moved, dS has started school, I've given up work, we have a puppy, I've started as a school governor. I'm exhausted.

Some people just aren't meant to be a couple. No matter how much you try.
Sometimes it's better to accept that and find a life that does make you happy because we all deserve happiness.

What was your relationship like before you had kids? I know you say you have always argued, but did it get worse with parenthood?
Life will young kids can be so busy and so tough but it will change as they get older & more independent.
Could it be the stage you are at? It's definitely worth thinking about this and trying the counseling before walking away, for your sake and especially for your kids.

Wow OK I'll back off. Jesus. Talk about harsh.

Your unhappy and know deep down you need to split up but your scared. Your children won’t be shielded forever so leave before it affects them, you are blaming yourself because you’re unhappy but it’s both of you in this relationship, only you can change your circumstances and leave though

I don't know anything about your other threads, OP, so we have just "met" 😀

Can you tell us what the therapist has told you about your relationship so far? What's her take on it all? It would be interesting to know exactly what you are both arguing about and what the triggers are.

I don’t think the poster meant this, but more it’s very clear you’re desperately unhappy and your home and family life is. But if you are not willing to leave, then it’s hard to advise what to do. I think that’s the point being made.

It's all stupid stuff, really mundane things that end up being bigger than they were. I think on a fundamental level he is very precise and very logical whereas I'm possibly more governed by feelings and that is leading to a lot of friction. I want to exhaust everything before we throw in the towel. It's so sad.

Why are you saying you’ve fucked up?

Because I've kept promising myself it will get better and it hasnt and now I'm in such a terrible situation

So you feel your values are basically aligned and you have each other's backs, it's just that you both get irritable and make mountains out of molehills? Is there something deeper going on with both/either of you that could be explored with the therapist? What are they saying about it all?

It sounds like you are taking 100% of the responsibility for this situation on your own shoulders. Why is that? What does your DH feel about this relationship?

I'm always a bit dubious about men who claim to be "precise" and "logical". Those are often just euphemisms for "patronising" "controlling" "selfish" "unkind"

So if he is logical, so the implication is you are not? Who tells you this? You or him? Can you give me an example of him being logical and you not? I'd like to see what this looks like in real life.

You seem to be an intelligent person with a lot on your plate. Having your feelings involved in decisions is not a bad thing. I am the same way myself. It is not automatically "wrong".

I may have picked up the wrong impression here, but it seems you feel you are somehow lacking and illogical and led by feelings which don't count, and he is "logical and precise" meaning he is more likely to be right. Plus, you seem to be shouldering all the blame here.

I'd love an example of an interaction between you if you could type one out. I'd like to see how it starts and how it escalates and who says what. It could be quite revealing. Sorry to be so nosey, but I feel it could help.

I think you should walk away BECAUSE you have small children. It's a terrible environment for them and a bad example of how healthy relationships should be.

OK so all our examples are eye-rollingly stupid but here are a couple

I wanted a shower downstairs (we don't have one in the house). He set up a showroom visit. He said I could have total say and he would look after the kids
I say I'd like a bigger shower head than the standard one. His response 'that's massive, it's like the width of the cubicle. No the one we have is fine'

When we got out I said it was a bit pointless as there wasn't really a choice, we got the one cubicle they have.. He exploded and said I was impossible, that I had total say and was never happy. I said he vetoed the big shower, he said at no point was that the case.

It's all such had work. It's like we don't speak the same language sometimes.

It was my birthday this week and we had an argument about him not getting the kids ready for school. I said I was tired of always being the person to run around and asked him when he last cooked for the kids. His response was 'when did u last work?' that really hurt me because I didn't want to give up work, I did so because after we moved (which was what he wanted) the commute was unbearable.

These sound like such non issues and I'm cringing reading this back. But I can't explain how horrible it is living like it when it's bad.

I'm not seeing what's "precise" or "logical" about these examples.

Because he at no point said 'no you can't have the bigger one' in his head he therefore didn't say no.

What makes you think his responses there are particularly logical? Seems like it's about wanting things his own way.