I've fucked everything up

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

DH and I have never been perfect. We love each other but end up in stupid arguments which snowball into massive issues. Time and time again it happens. We are just about to try a second round of couples therapy. I'm so afraid and confused. I want to walk away just so it doesn't hurt anynore. But we have 2 small children. I don't work. I'm not sure if I'll ever be brave enough to say we are done.

I feel like a hollow shelll just walking around.

You can’t afford to be a SAHM with a H like this, would go back to work asap.

This

Get your financial independence back now!

Im a secondary school teacher and had an ideal part time position. I'm trying to find a replacement, I've emailed the only appropriate adverts tonight and asked if they would consider PT. Otherwise I guess I have to do FT teaching because I can't see how a non_term time only job would work (please don't come at me with 'I worked 9 days a week 57 weeks of the year as a single parent). I'm trying to work out how to make as little impact on their delicate lives as possible. I cannot see how the therapy is going to sort this and I'm so scared for me but much more so for our children.

I expect it may be difficult with childcare but perhaps you could consider some supply work?
I appreciate you are just giving a couple of examples of the sorts of difficult exchanges you have with your husband but I don't think issues around selecting a new shower head for a shower are particularly ones to end a relationship on!
Why were you only going to one showroom (yes I get it, young kids)? I thinking I would have been considering maybe 3/4 providers. I would have ensured that I went to them for a preliminary look and check out pricing. I would have got brochures etc and taken them home to discuss. That should have worked as he agreed to stand aside and let you choose. Next big purchase may be his turn.
Having made my contribution, I wish you both a lot of luck in sorting things out.

I've been in therapy most of my life and from the examples you have of your arguments it's really obvious what the issue is and it shouldn't be difficult to sort out if he's really trying. For example where he said you're never happy or satisfied, etc. with the shower thing- he's using absolutes. I'll link to an article about it. A good therapist would listen to you both and give you tips on how to communicate better. Something most of us never learn is effective communication skills. I once did a group therapy where we had to do practice conversations over and over. I really hated it but now it's really engrained on how to listen & be heard respectfully. It's basically asking for permission first- I'd like to talk to you about shower heads, are you available right now to listen? They say yes, and you say what you want to say. Then they repeat what you said in their own words. Then you clarify- No I didn't mean this I meant that. And they repeat again. This goes on until you feel heard. So it's getting consent to have the convo, speak, repeat, clarify. It feels so tedious at first but it's sooooo effective and it will become a part of your everyday life. But really my point is that it seems like with some help you two can have a happier relationship. It doesn't seem like it's doomed. As long as you both try and you get some good outside advise you'll be a on better path. Good luck to you and don't be afraid to try out different therapists if you have a choice- it can take a few tries to find someone who fits well.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/202011/don-t-debate-your-partner-s-always-and-never-statements?amp

What does trying everything actually mean? If I’m honest, it sounds like bs that is said so no one takes responsibility for fixing or ending it. This is why counselling scares you because it represents a break from the paralysis.

A mistake you could be making is thinking that you can go back to a time when this wasn’t the situation but you can’t because that time existed then and not now.

Get an online lover. Seriously. My American guy is older and wiser than I. We bounce our relationship problems off each other, then get naughty. It helps with my "here" relationship.

@Thistlelass thank you. I know how insignificant these example sound, we've just become so dysfunctional

@AgentJohnson perhaps I want clear. We arent scared of counselling. We've had it before and have booked again. I'm just not sure we are fixable.

@KateBushed ha thanks