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Original poster

Moving too fast

58 replies

taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 09:32

NC for this. I've been dating a man for a couple of weeks - but when I say dating, I mean, we've literally been on one date, and have been messaging a few times most days since. Our date was lovely, we spent the day and most of the evening together, talked nonstop and kissed/made out loads. I've been looking forward to seeing him again.

We don't live in the same city, but met when I was here for work. I'm back this week and we have plans to see each other this evening. So far, so good. But yesterday, he suggested that he brings a bag with him and stays with me at my hotel for a few days.

On the one hand, it's kind of sweet that he wants to spend so much time with me. I guess? On the other hand, we've been on one date and as much as I like him, I don't want to be in a room with him for days on end. Plus, we both have work to do and I have other people to see (including another date I want to go on with someone else!)

I've told him that it would be lovely to see him and for him to sleep over, but I think anything more than that is too much too soon. There's no reason why we can't see each other again a couple of days later.

I'm just worried now that there's some kind of ulterior motive for him wanting to stay? But I don't know what it would be? He's very handsome, younger than me, has a good job and a place of his own. I guess anything could be going on with him. Or maybe he just likes me. I don't know.

It's made me wonder if I should call the whole date off altogether. I am an avoidant type and an introvert and the thought of being in a room with anyone for more than 24 hours freaks me out. So I don't know if I'm worried for that reason, or whether the whole thing is a big red flag. What would you do? End it? Go for the date this evening and see how it goes? I'm swaying towards the latter but I'm unsure.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 18/10/2023 09:39

Dude wants sex

GingerIsBest · 18/10/2023 09:40

So he wants to stay in YOUR hotel room in the city he lives in? I mean, if the date went really well and you decided to shag each other senseless, I could totally see you heading back to either your hotel room OR his place, but why on earth would either of you plan a proper few days together when you both have perfectly fine places to stay in that city? Am I missing something?

In short, no, you're not being unreasonable to say "no, I don't think so". At second date, sure, a sleepover might well be happening, but planning for it shouldn't be more than quietly sticking a spare toothbrush and a clean pair of underwear in your handbag/backpack!

BIWI · 18/10/2023 09:41

If he's really into you, he'll understand when you say that he's moving too fast.

If he only wants sex, then he'll be offended and will not respond well to you saying that.

His reaction when you tell him 'no' and that it's going too quickly for you, will tell you everything you need to know.

Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 09:54

C1N1C · 18/10/2023 09:39

Dude wants sex

I want sex too. That's not a problem for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 09:58

So he wants to stay in YOUR hotel room in the city he lives in?

Well, he lives about 15 miles away. So we're not in the same city. It does make sense for him to stay over, and I was happy for that to happen. It's the wanting to stay "a few days" that troubles me.

His reaction when you tell him 'no' and that it's going too quickly for you, will tell you everything you need to know.

Yeah, I've messaged him to say essentially what I say in the OP, that I'd love him to stay overnight, but more than that is too much. Will wait to see how he responds to that.

It's not that I don't want to have sex with him. I do, and we've discussed it, and it was always the plan that we were going to have sex (obviously not said as starkly as that! But we've talked about it.) But the wanting to stay for days is the thing that's freaking me out.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 18/10/2023 10:05

Okay, fair enough that he stays over one night. But yes, to move in is ridiculous. Doesn't he have work himself? It does rather sound like he thinks you're there to basically just have sex with him rather than to work, see people AND have sex with him. Grin

C1N1C · 18/10/2023 10:06

There's another recent post about how long people wait to have sex for the first time. On the one hand, letting it happen quickly will be fun, you'll know sexual compatibility, and you won't be wasting time with someone you have feelings for... on the other hand, if he's not serious, he could be out the door the day after, he won't learn your personality to even consider something long term etc.

To be honest, for me it's more a safety thing. To agree that he's staying lonher than a night gives the impression of an obligation... I'd personally prefer to make it conditional. Say one night to start, longer if you click.

15 miles is around the corner for me. I presume it's longer for you because it'd all city roads at say 20 mph?

Rosiiee · 18/10/2023 10:06

Just tell him he can stay over after the date but then you have plans and you’ll try to see him again before leaving town? Don’t see it as a big deal. Surely he knows you’re busy (and isn’t he?).

Cinai · 18/10/2023 10:12

I think you’re handling this very sensibly! Meet him, take him to your hotel room afterwards if you’re up for that, but make it clear that he needs to go home the next morning. If he’s fine with that then go ahead and meet him. If he starts to be pushy and unreasonable about this, then I’d consider cancelling the date.

BlingLoving · 18/10/2023 10:21

To be honest, for me it's more a safety thing. To agree that he's staying lonher than a night gives the impression of an obligation... I'd personally prefer to make it conditional. Say one night to start, longer if you click.

I feel a version of this. Even if you're both pretty confident that the evening is going to lead to sex, an obligation that he will stay over is a problem for me. even for one night. It might well happen, but it shouldn't be a formal plan because, half way through the second date, you could decide he's a complete wanker or get the ick or whatever, and then what - you're obliged to let him stay over and have sex with you?

I think this early on, every single interaction is conditional. the only "obligation" is that if you agree to meet up, you turn up at the right time and place. And even that, arguably, you could just choose not to do (a text to say you've changed your mind would be polite though).

Deathbyfluffy · 18/10/2023 10:23

You're going to have sex with him while going on dates with other people?
Maybe that's just the dating world these days, but seems a bit... eugh to me!

Rocksonabeach · 18/10/2023 10:29

With work the next day - why don’t you just do dinner? And not stay - his reaction will tell you if he is good man - but I’m sorry I see red flags 🚩

Graciebobcat · 18/10/2023 10:30

@Deathbyfluffy I had sex with two different men the same day in my early 20s. I did find it confusing seeing more than one person at a time and tended to keep things more separated out but I don't think seeing more than one person at a time is a product of the recent dating world.

Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 10:31

Rosiiee · 18/10/2023 10:06

Just tell him he can stay over after the date but then you have plans and you’ll try to see him again before leaving town? Don’t see it as a big deal. Surely he knows you’re busy (and isn’t he?).

Yeah, I think this is what I'll do. He does have work, but he says he can work remotely. That's fine, but I also need to work, and can't do it while he's the room with me!

OP posts:
Graciebobcat · 18/10/2023 10:32

I would have dinner with him and see how it goes re tonight but also make it clear that you have plans for the next few days so him hanging around further would not be welcome.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/10/2023 10:33

I’d wonder if he was married and told his wife he was going away on business. And yes he wants sex

toomanyleggings · 18/10/2023 10:33

Men always want to rush into long dates/ long periods together initially if they even vaguely fancy you. Creates a false sense of intimacy and gets them sex quicker. I would only give the guy a three hour date for a second date, two tops for first.

GingerIsBest · 18/10/2023 10:34

That's fine, but I also need to work, and can't do it while he's the room with me!

Plus, nothing kills the romance more quickly than sharing a small space with someone you barely know while you're talking to colleagues and clients on the phone!

Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 10:34

Deathbyfluffy · 18/10/2023 10:23

You're going to have sex with him while going on dates with other people?
Maybe that's just the dating world these days, but seems a bit... eugh to me!

Expressing disgust over someone else's sex life is pretty gross, in my opinion.

I'm single, I'm dating other single people, I'm practising safe sex, and I'm not cheating on anyone.

So I don't know why you think your opinion is needed.

OP posts:
Rosiiee · 18/10/2023 10:35

@GingerIsBest omg this!!! Hotel rooms are tiny and you can hear everythingggg that goes on in the bathroom!!

Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 10:37

Cinai · 18/10/2023 10:12

I think you’re handling this very sensibly! Meet him, take him to your hotel room afterwards if you’re up for that, but make it clear that he needs to go home the next morning. If he’s fine with that then go ahead and meet him. If he starts to be pushy and unreasonable about this, then I’d consider cancelling the date.

Yes, I think that makes sense. I haven't heard back from him yet in response to my message saying I wasn't up for a few days' stay with him. So I'll decide what to do based on his reaction. If he's fine, then fine. If he tries to persuade me or pressure me, I won't see him at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 10:38

Rainbowqueeen · 18/10/2023 10:33

I’d wonder if he was married and told his wife he was going away on business. And yes he wants sex

I'm pretty sure he's not married but I guess it's possible.

And yes, I know he wants sex. I also want sex! This is not the problem here.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/10/2023 10:41

taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 10:34

Expressing disgust over someone else's sex life is pretty gross, in my opinion.

I'm single, I'm dating other single people, I'm practising safe sex, and I'm not cheating on anyone.

So I don't know why you think your opinion is needed.

Show quote history

Just be honest. You have work to do and have dates planned so will depend whether they stay over as to when yo see him again.

Mrsttcno1 · 18/10/2023 11:30

Could you not just tell him you have another date while you’re there over that period of time? You say you’re single and not cheating anyone etc, so why not just be straight with him and say he can’t stay x nights as you have another date scheduled?

I totally agree that when you’re single you can do what you like, however I do think whoever you’re having sex with has the right to know they aren’t the only person you’re seeing so that they can decide for themselves if they still want to proceed?

PlaidCushionProductions · 18/10/2023 11:34

tell him it’s be lovely to spend some time together and suggests he books himself a hotel close to yours for a night. whether he’s prepared to spend money and time getting to know you, or just after a quick free shag, will tell you his long term intent and suitability