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Original poster

Moving too fast

58 replies

taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 09:32

NC for this. I've been dating a man for a couple of weeks - but when I say dating, I mean, we've literally been on one date, and have been messaging a few times most days since. Our date was lovely, we spent the day and most of the evening together, talked nonstop and kissed/made out loads. I've been looking forward to seeing him again.

We don't live in the same city, but met when I was here for work. I'm back this week and we have plans to see each other this evening. So far, so good. But yesterday, he suggested that he brings a bag with him and stays with me at my hotel for a few days.

On the one hand, it's kind of sweet that he wants to spend so much time with me. I guess? On the other hand, we've been on one date and as much as I like him, I don't want to be in a room with him for days on end. Plus, we both have work to do and I have other people to see (including another date I want to go on with someone else!)

I've told him that it would be lovely to see him and for him to sleep over, but I think anything more than that is too much too soon. There's no reason why we can't see each other again a couple of days later.

I'm just worried now that there's some kind of ulterior motive for him wanting to stay? But I don't know what it would be? He's very handsome, younger than me, has a good job and a place of his own. I guess anything could be going on with him. Or maybe he just likes me. I don't know.

It's made me wonder if I should call the whole date off altogether. I am an avoidant type and an introvert and the thought of being in a room with anyone for more than 24 hours freaks me out. So I don't know if I'm worried for that reason, or whether the whole thing is a big red flag. What would you do? End it? Go for the date this evening and see how it goes? I'm swaying towards the latter but I'm unsure.

OP posts:
Unithorn · 18/10/2023 11:39

Yes that does sound intense and far too much, it'd put me off to be honest but if you just want sex and don't see a future together I'd just do as you've done and message to say one night is fine but no to a few days.

Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 11:45

Mrsttcno1 · 18/10/2023 11:30

Could you not just tell him you have another date while you’re there over that period of time? You say you’re single and not cheating anyone etc, so why not just be straight with him and say he can’t stay x nights as you have another date scheduled?

I totally agree that when you’re single you can do what you like, however I do think whoever you’re having sex with has the right to know they aren’t the only person you’re seeing so that they can decide for themselves if they still want to proceed?

Yes, he knows this. I'm waiting for his response. It's not a question of whether I'm going to spend days with him - I'm not going to do that. But if he isn't okay with that, if he pressures me or tries to persuade me, I'm seeing that as a red flag and won't date him at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 11:48

PlaidCushionProductions · 18/10/2023 11:34

tell him it’s be lovely to spend some time together and suggests he books himself a hotel close to yours for a night. whether he’s prepared to spend money and time getting to know you, or just after a quick free shag, will tell you his long term intent and suitability

Ooh I actually really like this idea. It'd be great to have him staying in a hotel near by! Or even if he was happy to travel in and back again - it's a bus or train journey if he doesn't want to drive. I'm happy to see him a few times - just not to share my space for days on end. That's too intense.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 18/10/2023 11:50

Okay @taylorswift1989 I think that’s absolutely fair enough. As long as you’re totally honest with him about your intentions of dating other people and what you’re comfortable with (one night instead of many) then that’s fine. If he is pushy then definitely red flag and you can choose never to see him again, equally if he see’s you dating another person while having sex with him A red flag then he can choose not to proceed or see you again. As long as you’re both honest with each other I don’t see any issue really

Olika · 18/10/2023 11:57

I wouldn't let him to stay more than max next morning. You have your work and other things and him hanging around is just too much this early on. Have fun!

Anyflippingname · 18/10/2023 12:02

taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 10:34

Expressing disgust over someone else's sex life is pretty gross, in my opinion.

I'm single, I'm dating other single people, I'm practising safe sex, and I'm not cheating on anyone.

So I don't know why you think your opinion is needed.

Show quote history

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Begsthequestion · 18/10/2023 12:08

Mrsttcno1 · 18/10/2023 11:30

Could you not just tell him you have another date while you’re there over that period of time? You say you’re single and not cheating anyone etc, so why not just be straight with him and say he can’t stay x nights as you have another date scheduled?

I totally agree that when you’re single you can do what you like, however I do think whoever you’re having sex with has the right to know they aren’t the only person you’re seeing so that they can decide for themselves if they still want to proceed?

How is making up a lie that you have another date "being straight with him"?

It's the opposite of that.

Being straight with him is op saying "No, I'd rather not do that. Let's meet up for dinner one night and see how things go."

[Note the lack of "thank you but.." or "sorry" - because there's no need to be grateful or apologetic here.]

It's only the second time of meeting so the guy should find that perfectly reasonable.

However the fact that the man wanted to turn date no.2 into a free city mini break is a red flag imo. Way too soon.

Rosiiee · 18/10/2023 12:09

Has he not replied yet??

BIWI · 18/10/2023 12:16

@Begsthequestion

From the OP:

we both have work to do and I have other people to see (including another date I want to go on with someone else!)

DressingRoom · 18/10/2023 12:19

I think you're being very sensible, OP, but his suggestion is deeply weird, pushy and presumptuous, and it's making me wonder about what kind of person would suggest moving into the hotel room of someone they've been on ONE date with, for days!!!

Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 12:27

How is making up a lie that you have another date "being straight with him"?

It's not a lie. I do have another date. A couple, in fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 12:32

DressingRoom · 18/10/2023 12:19

I think you're being very sensible, OP, but his suggestion is deeply weird, pushy and presumptuous, and it's making me wonder about what kind of person would suggest moving into the hotel room of someone they've been on ONE date with, for days!!!

Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. It's raised questions I didn't have in my head before and I'm wondering whether I should just cancel the date altogether and not see him again.

I was definitely up for sex (we got pretty close last time and it's something we've discussed) but I don't want to entertain any weirdness. I'd like to think he's just keen to spend time with me, but I think that's probably putting too much of a flattering spin on things! He knows he'd almost certainly be getting sex and I wonder whether he's picturing us in a romantic bubble for days. But on the other hand, we've been on one date! What if we decided we weren't into it? Would he leave if I changed my mind halfway through? Does he have some kind of nefarious plan?

The whole thing is making me nervous, tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 12:35

Rosiiee · 18/10/2023 12:09

Has he not replied yet??

I assume he's working. We don't tend to message loads - usually just exchange a few texts in the evenings.

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 18/10/2023 12:40

He could be over-romanticising the whole thing.

He's met his Princess so let's dive in.

Just be careful he's not too needy/wanting someone to mind him.
A surrogate mummy.

You'll know it when you feel it.

I saw you wrote 'younger than me'.

So yeah, watch out for little boy wanting lovely mummy.

Then again, plenty of good marriages based on that too!

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 18/10/2023 12:41

I'm also super avoidant and struggled with even staying for breakfast when I was in my early dating stages in the past so this would have pinged my red flag radar so hard I would probably already have the ick and have called it off! In my experience of dating men often want to move too fast in this way when they like you - it's like they want to fast track which really doesn't work for me. One of the reasons I fell for my DH is that he accepted my needs which were a) sleep on the sofa after sex b) be gone before DS gets up and c) no more than 2 dates per week and he did that without complaint for months until he made it into the bed all night 😆

Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 12:47

He could be over-romanticising the whole thing.

I did wonder if that's the case.

So yeah, watch out for little boy wanting lovely mummy.

I didn't get that vibe from him, but it could be that. We talked about different kinds of relationships. He said at some point he wants marriage and kids, and I was very clear that wouldn't be with me and I was even giving him dating advice! So I assumed that we were on the same page in terms of what we're looking for from each other. But now I don't know!

OP posts:
Begsthequestion · 18/10/2023 12:48

BIWI · 18/10/2023 12:16

@Begsthequestion

From the OP:

we both have work to do and I have other people to see (including another date I want to go on with someone else!)

Ah sorry my bad, didn't see that.

I guess it would be interesting to see his reaction to that info, but again I don't think OP needs to give any details about her life or any excuses - rather just say no, I don't want to. His reaction to that alone will be telling.

Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 12:49

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 18/10/2023 12:41

I'm also super avoidant and struggled with even staying for breakfast when I was in my early dating stages in the past so this would have pinged my red flag radar so hard I would probably already have the ick and have called it off! In my experience of dating men often want to move too fast in this way when they like you - it's like they want to fast track which really doesn't work for me. One of the reasons I fell for my DH is that he accepted my needs which were a) sleep on the sofa after sex b) be gone before DS gets up and c) no more than 2 dates per week and he did that without complaint for months until he made it into the bed all night 😆

Omg I totally relate to this! I can just about tolerate sleeping in the same bed but even that feels quite difficult.

I think maybe this has given me the ick. It's just too much!

Shame, because we were getting on so well until he suggested this.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 18/10/2023 13:09

Rereading your messages, how was it suggested? eg, "Look, I live a bit further away and would love to spend time with you so what about if I join you in the hotel for a few days? How would that be for you?" is very different to, "I can't wait to stay with you, I'll pack a bag and join you for the three days."

BIWI · 18/10/2023 13:11

I think, from everything you've posted, including saying that this makes you feel nervous, that you need to chuck this one back into the sea!

Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 13:14

GingerIsBest · 18/10/2023 13:09

Rereading your messages, how was it suggested? eg, "Look, I live a bit further away and would love to spend time with you so what about if I join you in the hotel for a few days? How would that be for you?" is very different to, "I can't wait to stay with you, I'll pack a bag and join you for the three days."

It was along the lines of, "I enjoy being with you and want to spend some proper time to get to know you as I think we could have something here." He did say he understood if I don't want to and that there was no pressure.

OP posts:
TammyJones · 18/10/2023 15:03

C1N1C · 18/10/2023 09:39

Dude wants sex

THIS
Just say no.
If he's interested in more he'll be happy with that.
If not... that how you weed out the chancers

Original poster
taylorswift1989 · 18/10/2023 15:12

Why do people assume that him wanting sex is a problem for me? I know he wants sex. I want sex too.

However, he actually hasn't responded to my message so I'm going to assume that he wanted something other than sex, I.e. to move in, love bomb me, or something else dodgy I can't imagine.

OP posts:
Humidititties · 18/10/2023 15:15

Shock horror, woman wants sex...how dare you

TedMullins · 18/10/2023 15:28

Yeah he sounds way too intense. You on the other hand sound great, OP! There are some strange and backward ideas on here about dating and women’s sexuality sometimes so ignore them. Interested to see if/what he replies

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