Is financial stability and security important for you when you meet someone

[Charlie12023]

I have something on my mind and I wont lie its kind of ruining my relationship and thoughts here, since I met my partner.

I am in my mid forties, he is too, I have no children he has one who is 10 years old, split from his ex 4 years ago and his son is moving with his mum soon to be with her new partner end of this year which means my partner is going to be moving nearer, due to schools, its actually about 20mins from where I live which works out well. They are divorced and house selling as we speak. My partner is in a rented 2 bed flat.

I own my house house, nice equity, savings, inheritance etc and cautious with many things, run my own business but things are hard work as I run this house alone and have done now for a good 3/4 years. I like to have security as it makes me feel safe and also makes me look at planning the future in a positive way in terms of retirement/freedom to do what I want, less hours as I work very long hours which is just how I see things. I also lost a lot with my ex of 20 years, 4 years ago so my thoughts on security are kind of fragile since then etc. Since meeting my partner he would love to move in to help pay half of the bills to make things less stressful for me as Im always saying things are harder and my mortgage has just gone up... We have been together a year and 7 months.

However, he has no savings, only just built up a pension with his new job currently, no house as just renting and waiting on this sale of his house with his ex, which has just sold, but he isnt sure what he will get, (she agreed on a sum as she is very well paid in her job and has savings etc and paid the mortage for most of the 8 years whilst he raised his son and worked part time) but nothing was agreed on paper or legally bound, he just doesnt have the money to secure it etc. however much I have pushed for him to try and do this to help him nothing has happened.

When he moves over here, his son would be staying over probably about 3 times in the week due to their set up they have now. For me thats a huge change and not too sure I am ready for this. Whereas if he had his own place, but he admits he can only afford to rent a 1 bed/2 bed flat, I would pop over to see him etc and I feel it would be easier like it is now, but he lives at present further away ,so he stays at mine all the time at the moment. I suggested he gets his own place over here first of all.

He admitted he didnt want to tell me he had nothing because this is his insecurity, but also he never talks about anything as in future plans with responsibility, or how to go about things/savings etc he is more he wants to feel safe with just me and happy with stability, but I am struggling here to feel stable because of this issue.. he says he cant feel safe with me because I am up and down.

So, I wont secure anything until I see, I guess more responsibility from him from talking about it or addressing it, hope this is not sounding like I am being unreasonable, I am just protecting myself really.

I have also set up a lovely dog boarding business, and just about to look at new premises to rent out, as its really going well. he said he wants to come in to help me and give up his job, but I would rather he stayed in his job and I did this alone and perhaps he came in part time at weekends or I would get others to come in to help etc.Its early days on a premises but its going amazingly well. His job is paid very well, he is in a really amazing sales and marketing job that is secure, albeit quiet at times and they really like him and offer him lots of great bonuses too, but every now and again he loves to say right lets set this up together and it makes me feel unstable with him, he loves ideas but I like to see the ground work and work on ourselves separately with our jobs, again he admitted he needs to do this for himself even if he wasnt with me etc.

He loves dogs, which is a bonus, he helps me all the time, when he is around mine and others, he is really generous too, loving and loyal, but its just this whole security aspect in terms of my life and his which are so different in where we are in our homes/future.

My parents were just saying, if he can show you what his plans are or at least talk things over, this will make you feel better, but he admits he is too insecure about this to talk about it with me, which I can see as I feel I always bring up things. So is it just best to keep our own houses and just keep on seeing one another, and I do my own thing, he does his?

Any guidance? - as apart from this, we are amazing together, we go out and do things, we spend a lot of time, having fun, he makes me laugh, huge physical connection and lots of love, but this makes me feel different about him and our future. is that bad?

Anyone else had this before? Thank you so much for reading.

It sounds to me like you have so many good things going for yourself both independently and together the way things are, I’m really not clear at all why you want to change things? It sounds great as things are. You have all the advantages and none of the possible disadvantages. Why do you want to change things? You can even spend more time together but still stay independent. I would be very wary of someone wanting to move into my owned house and have a stake in my business.

PS. The son staying over 3x a week might be too much as well. If an hour is too far away from you, he could rent a bit closer, he can easily do that if he wants to be with you more. I think you are being too accommodating.

I’m sure he is keen to move in with you. I definitely wouldn’t at this stage though. Do you really want his son living with you in your house 3 days a week?

Red flags galore for me.

I wouldn't be ok about him moving in or giving up his job to be a part of your business.

You have a lot to lose here and you are right to protect yourself.

Yes you have a good point, which is now what I am thinking, its just my bills are so high and its hard work looking after this 4 bed alone, so, I may just move to something smaller, this may be the answer and keep it all separate like you say.

Read this thread, now currently active, to see how things can get when things go wrong!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4921394-living-with-ex-who-cannot-move-out-reality-check-needed

It sounds like you are 100% not ready for him to be so entwined in your life. Not at home & not at work.

This is entirely reasonable. It's only been 7 months, you're still recovering from a messy breakup which hit you hard financially as well as emotionally. You naturally feel vulrerable in these areas & have learned a really hard lesson. He should be able to recognise & understand this.

Listen to your inner voice which is telling you to be slow & careful, and not him saying he 'doesnt feel safe' which is just weird. You not rushing into cohabiting & sharing your business doesn't make him 'unsafe' FFS.

I think you're already learning a lot about him by saying 'No, I'm not ready for this'. My advice is to pay close attention!

I think you’d be better keeping things as they are. If you werent under pressure with the bills would you still want him to move in so soon?

Also you seem to glide over having his son over 3 days a week but that would be a massive life change for you… it seems you are doing all the giving, your house, your business. He will want you to help look after his son.

My advice is take things slow and take your time.

A strong work ethic and prudent attitude towards money are important. Actual levels of money are less critical because anyone can have highs and lows in life.

there are definite red flags here. That he wants to quit his steady job and go into business with you is worrisome.

On your side, your mention that you want to consider cohabitation because of finances is a huge red flag. .

Exactly - too much too soon.
What if it all goes wrong.
He'd have no job - and no money ti move out your home
Leave it a bit longer
Security is important to me and when I met dh after he'd been divorced 6 years he'd actually brought ex out.
He has proved over the years ti be extremely financially savvy.
I split up with an ex over his inability to be financially stable- broke my heart , but it was a deal breaker

Yes, definitely downsize, you don't need a 4 bed even if you did start accommodating his son in the future. You will make money and save money at the same time, so it's a no-brainer. Make life easier by finding a place that's already decorated to your taste, so all you have to do is keep a smaller place tidy.
If your partner has a good job, and the proceeds he gets from the sale of the house, is still not enough to buy his own place, then he has rolled over for his ex as he should get at least half of equity.
I find it hard to believe that there is nothing in writing when they are legally divorced, that does seem a tad suss.

Please don't let him move in or even let him help out with your business, keep everything entirely separate. If he hasn't already the next thing will be using you as childcare. And please, please don't even consider marrying him.

I have a friend in a similar situation who married and moved in with the guy and now she is completely trapped with a cocklodger as well as being the main caregiver for his 2 kids when they come round. He had no money going into the relationship and will take half of everything if they divorce.

I would at least let everything settle for a time when his son moves closer and see how that pans out. If he has to rent a new place that’s up to him. It sounds like it would be easy for him to rely on you and you could find yourself stuck in a position you don’t want to be in. I don’t think he should be pushing to come into your business with you when he has got a good job already. It’s all too convenient for him.

I think the bottom line is you're not financially compatible, you're in a great situation, he isn't & isn't in a rush to improve it or doesn't have the drive or determination. We all get where we are in life based on our choices

It's easy to read this & see that he's landed on his feet

Of course he wants to move in! Of course he wants to give up his job! Who wouldn't?

But what do you want?

I wouldn't tie yourself financially to a guy you're still getting to know, it's way too risky for you. He had nothing to lose, you have everything to lose, the situation isn't balanced

Definitely give yourself another year living seperately. Gradually spend some more time with his son - immediately having him stay x3 a week would be far too big an adjustment for everybody - he needs to think of his son too.

Move to a smaller house if you think that would make finances easier, but perhaps involve him in choosing it saying look if this all works out we can live here together, but not yet.

It’s very early in this relationship really for him to be talking about living together esp with a child. And absolutely DO NOT let him leave his well paid job to work in your successful business.

I would be wary of a Cocklodger scenario tbh. Give it another year and see if he manages to sort out his finances with regard to the house sale etc. You can tell him that’s what you’re doing, so he knows there are expectations around him being fiscally responsible.

It’s too early in your relationship to become enmeshed with him. DO NOT do it. Too many red flags.

He needs to stabilise with the outcome from his house sale and you two carry on having good times but keep your home/kennels and living set up separate.

In time, as you get to know him better you may find an alternative set up which suits you both but be very very careful. You’ve had your fingers burnt once, look after what you’ve achieved since.

If he can’t understand where you’re coming from, he is not the one for you.

Their financial security doesn't bother me now (in my 50s) because it will never affect mine. There's no way on earth I'd be moving this man in. I'd be happy to have a relationship with him livinging separately, regardless of his financial situation, but no our finances are not getting entangled

I was talking to a lovely single woman friend of mine yesterday actually. She's tentatively dating what appears to be a nice man. She's not worried about the fact that he has no money in terms of what he spends on her, she's quite capable of supporting herself and owns her own home. She is very worried that his housing situation is a bit fragile and (whether he's doing it deliberately or it just works out that way) if she gets properly involved with him and he become homeless she'll end up having him living with her. I think she's right to be alive to that risk.

Not a fucking chance

From what you’ve written I’m getting the vibe that you’re feeling shoehorned into making decisions you’re not ready to make – all because HIS circumstances are changing.

I’d suggest to him that he finds his feet independently, financially first and you revisit the living together, employer/employee thing a year or so down the line when things are more settled for you (your new business) and him (house sale and knows what money he’s got to “play” with for finding somewhere to live). He might see it as a new start (for him), clean slate and all that, but (as a pp said) it sounds like too much, too soon (for you).

It's a huge, life changing commitment for a relationship that is still essentially in the honeymoon phase. Is it really worth it just to get a bit of help with the bills?

You’re feeling financially fragile (and rather protective with what you’ve achieved) – I don’t blame you in the slightest for that. Don’t let potentially hurting his feelings by saying no/not yet cloud your judgement of what YOU really want. He sounds a bit like a fly by the seat of his pants sort of guy – no forward planning or looking to create his own independent financial security. Plus having his own place for his child’s visits. 10 is a tender age to have to adjust to parents divorcing, moving house, mum moving in with new boyfriend then dad moving in with new girlfriend – that’s a lot for a kid to take in/adjust to in a short space of time.

So, yeah, too much, too soon, too fast. Is a bit of help with the bills really worth a complete upheaval of your life as you know it?

Oh, your parents’ comments about him giving a sort of financial projection for the future? All you need to do is look to his financial behaviour in the past for that. Otherwise it’s just “future-faking”.

No way. Keep things separate. The ex was subsidising him. He's looking for a new mama. It'll be nice until it isn't. It's all you giving here, don't do it.

This^ x1000%

This🚩🚩🚩

What @DatingDinosaur said. Downsize if you’re struggling. Don’t move him in or employ him. Not sure I like the sound of him.

Does he keep going on about helping you with the bills op?

Keep your home and business protected op x