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Original poster

Is financial stability and security important for you when you meet someone

37 replies

Charlie12023 · 17/10/2023 11:41

I have something on my mind and I wont lie its kind of ruining my relationship and thoughts here, since I met my partner.

I am in my mid forties, he is too, I have no children he has one who is 10 years old, split from his ex 4 years ago and his son is moving with his mum soon to be with her new partner end of this year which means my partner is going to be moving nearer, due to schools, its actually about 20mins from where I live which works out well. They are divorced and house selling as we speak. My partner is in a rented 2 bed flat.

I own my house house, nice equity, savings, inheritance etc and cautious with many things, run my own business but things are hard work as I run this house alone and have done now for a good 3/4 years. I like to have security as it makes me feel safe and also makes me look at planning the future in a positive way in terms of retirement/freedom to do what I want, less hours as I work very long hours which is just how I see things. I also lost a lot with my ex of 20 years, 4 years ago so my thoughts on security are kind of fragile since then etc. Since meeting my partner he would love to move in to help pay half of the bills to make things less stressful for me as Im always saying things are harder and my mortgage has just gone up... We have been together a year and 7 months.

However, he has no savings, only just built up a pension with his new job currently, no house as just renting and waiting on this sale of his house with his ex, which has just sold, but he isnt sure what he will get, (she agreed on a sum as she is very well paid in her job and has savings etc and paid the mortage for most of the 8 years whilst he raised his son and worked part time) but nothing was agreed on paper or legally bound, he just doesnt have the money to secure it etc. however much I have pushed for him to try and do this to help him nothing has happened.

When he moves over here, his son would be staying over probably about 3 times in the week due to their set up they have now. For me thats a huge change and not too sure I am ready for this. Whereas if he had his own place, but he admits he can only afford to rent a 1 bed/2 bed flat, I would pop over to see him etc and I feel it would be easier like it is now, but he lives at present further away ,so he stays at mine all the time at the moment. I suggested he gets his own place over here first of all.

He admitted he didnt want to tell me he had nothing because this is his insecurity, but also he never talks about anything as in future plans with responsibility, or how to go about things/savings etc he is more he wants to feel safe with just me and happy with stability, but I am struggling here to feel stable because of this issue.. he says he cant feel safe with me because I am up and down.

So, I wont secure anything until I see, I guess more responsibility from him from talking about it or addressing it, hope this is not sounding like I am being unreasonable, I am just protecting myself really.

I have also set up a lovely dog boarding business, and just about to look at new premises to rent out, as its really going well. he said he wants to come in to help me and give up his job, but I would rather he stayed in his job and I did this alone and perhaps he came in part time at weekends or I would get others to come in to help etc.Its early days on a premises but its going amazingly well. His job is paid very well, he is in a really amazing sales and marketing job that is secure, albeit quiet at times and they really like him and offer him lots of great bonuses too, but every now and again he loves to say right lets set this up together and it makes me feel unstable with him, he loves ideas but I like to see the ground work and work on ourselves separately with our jobs, again he admitted he needs to do this for himself even if he wasnt with me etc.

He loves dogs, which is a bonus, he helps me all the time, when he is around mine and others, he is really generous too, loving and loyal, but its just this whole security aspect in terms of my life and his which are so different in where we are in our homes/future.

My parents were just saying, if he can show you what his plans are or at least talk things over, this will make you feel better, but he admits he is too insecure about this to talk about it with me, which I can see as I feel I always bring up things. So is it just best to keep our own houses and just keep on seeing one another, and I do my own thing, he does his?

Any guidance? - as apart from this, we are amazing together, we go out and do things, we spend a lot of time, having fun, he makes me laugh, huge physical connection and lots of love, but this makes me feel different about him and our future. is that bad?

Anyone else had this before? Thank you so much for reading.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 18/10/2023 00:10

Im going to say it is much much too early for the father of a young child to consider moving in with a new partner. The fact that he is pressing for this makes me think he's not that brilliant a dad. His poor son. If you like him I'd encourage him to rent somewhere as stable as he can and focus on making a home for his child. It sounds like that would be best for all of you for some time.

wildwestpioneer · 18/10/2023 00:41

I'd leave the moving in for quite sometime yet. You've not been seeing him long and you're obviously not ready.

He does seem to be jumping on your security tho, suggesting moving into your house, and then giving his job to join your business - you can see why he ended up where he is, he seems to like to jump on the tailcoat of whoever he's with. Just make sure he's not looking to take your security for himself

CheekyHobson · 18/10/2023 07:11

Since meeting my partner he would love to move in to help pay half of the bills to make things less stressful for me

Surely he stands to benefit far more if he's paying half his current bills and no rent. Yet he's pitching it as a favour to you?

waiting on this sale of his house with his ex, which has just sold, but he isnt sure what he will get.... nothing was agreed on paper or legally bound

Absolute bollocks, there's no way he got divorced with a house in shared ownership without any financial agreement. Didn't happen.

he has no savings, only just built up a pension with his new job currently

Because he was 'primary carer' yet he has the kid less than she does now? That doesn't add up. If his wife was a high earner, a share of her pension would go to him on divorce.

he said he wants to come in to help me and give up his job

He wants to be financially reliant on you, just like he was on his wife, instead of paying his own way.

he is in a really amazing sales and marketing job that is secure, albeit quiet at times and they really like him and offer him lots of great bonuses too

Whereas if he had his own place, but he admits he can only afford to rent a 1 bed/2 bed flat

Something's not adding up here. Frankly I don't buy that he has a great job with amazing pay. Have you actually seen evidence of earnings or bank accounts? How can a man who is presumably soon to get a substantial payout from a house sale and has a well-paid job only be able to afford to rent a 1-bedroom?

He admitted he didnt want to tell me he had nothing because this is his insecurity, but also he never talks about anything as in future plans with responsibility

He's insecure BECAUSE he's irresponsible, and I would wager, spinning you a major line about how he got to his current supposedly impoverished state.

Original poster
Charlie12023 · 18/10/2023 11:02

Thank you everyone, he is getting his place over here which he is doing now as his son is moving before Christmas but I still think he wants me to move in with him, to rent my place and have dogs over, I said this is tricky and no, as this is my responsibility and it will be rented too, someone wont want dogs in their house as a business, so you get your own place separately, let me sort this out on my own there is no rush!

I may also be looking at myself downsizing too, this might be for me the best way going forwards anyway and set up the dog boarding separately next year for myself and no, he wont be coming in on this with me!

He has told me he is getting X amount from the house but its a sum they agreed on to which wasnt legally bound or I would say he is entitled to more but he just wants it done and dusted with and I dont think he really cares what he comes out with apart from this agreed amount which is enough for deposit for a house on his own albeit a small 1 or 2 bed. He cant afford a solicitors nor to pursue her pension or more.

At present I am too busy thinking about my own house/money/dog business and I feel he needs to keep his things separate from me for now whilst I am keeping myself happy, for me this makes me less stressed and happier and to keep enjoying dating. I just need him to kind of chillout on this whole house thing, I dont feel anyone needs to move in anywhere like you all said.

The minute i think of him moving in, or sharing anything, I get overwhelmed, upset and literally anxious. My concern is he is just not getting where I am coming from. Its more he thinks to himself get a bigger place for him to rent re dogs, I move in and rent my house out but this isnt something I want to do either as renting out my house is not an option nor is it going to help me on other levels.

Im just more cautious as older too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie12023 · 18/10/2023 11:17

CheekyHobson · 18/10/2023 07:11

Since meeting my partner he would love to move in to help pay half of the bills to make things less stressful for me

Surely he stands to benefit far more if he's paying half his current bills and no rent. Yet he's pitching it as a favour to you?

waiting on this sale of his house with his ex, which has just sold, but he isnt sure what he will get.... nothing was agreed on paper or legally bound

Absolute bollocks, there's no way he got divorced with a house in shared ownership without any financial agreement. Didn't happen.

he has no savings, only just built up a pension with his new job currently

Because he was 'primary carer' yet he has the kid less than she does now? That doesn't add up. If his wife was a high earner, a share of her pension would go to him on divorce.

he said he wants to come in to help me and give up his job

He wants to be financially reliant on you, just like he was on his wife, instead of paying his own way.

he is in a really amazing sales and marketing job that is secure, albeit quiet at times and they really like him and offer him lots of great bonuses too

Whereas if he had his own place, but he admits he can only afford to rent a 1 bed/2 bed flat

Something's not adding up here. Frankly I don't buy that he has a great job with amazing pay. Have you actually seen evidence of earnings or bank accounts? How can a man who is presumably soon to get a substantial payout from a house sale and has a well-paid job only be able to afford to rent a 1-bedroom?

He admitted he didnt want to tell me he had nothing because this is his insecurity, but also he never talks about anything as in future plans with responsibility

He's insecure BECAUSE he's irresponsible, and I would wager, spinning you a major line about how he got to his current supposedly impoverished state.

@CheekyHobson he is definitely only getting a lump sum she has agreed on, which yes is completely unfair and controlled if you ask me.

He does need to get a share of her pension but he has not pushed for it as it will be too much like hard work and an effort re solicitors/fees etc so he hasnt done anything and he hasnt the money either.

There is something possibly quite childlike here in his dealings with things, like he brushes things off or doesnt want to talk about things where it will involve security, but for me i dont just drift in the hope he moves in to help me, this was maybe the old me, but now I am looking at someone who is stable and doesnt make flippant comments/remarks which gets my back up!

I am starting to think what does he offer me, he said isnt love enough, I would love to say yes, but I also want to be with someone who I can respect too, then I will feel I have a future.

Think this is only reasonable :)

OP posts:
TheIsleOfTheLost · 18/10/2023 11:50

No, love is not enough. In my 20's, I wouldn't have cared about a partner's income or ambitions. In my 40's I value my security and think about pensions a lot.

It sounds inconceivable that he wouldn't want to get a pension share and is happy for whatever scraps she throws from the table. Why wouldn't you if you had sacrificed your career to bring up your child? Definitely sounds much more like he just wants to live off you. What would your plan be if he moves in and works with you, but doesn't do a proper job? Will he have a proper contract and be performance managed? Or you just argue and nothing changes?

If he does really love you, then he will be fine with getting on his own two feet and saving the pay out from his house sale, or buying somewhere smaller for him amd his son.

Original poster
Charlie12023 · 18/10/2023 13:25

TheIsleOfTheLost · 18/10/2023 11:50

No, love is not enough. In my 20's, I wouldn't have cared about a partner's income or ambitions. In my 40's I value my security and think about pensions a lot.

It sounds inconceivable that he wouldn't want to get a pension share and is happy for whatever scraps she throws from the table. Why wouldn't you if you had sacrificed your career to bring up your child? Definitely sounds much more like he just wants to live off you. What would your plan be if he moves in and works with you, but doesn't do a proper job? Will he have a proper contract and be performance managed? Or you just argue and nothing changes?

If he does really love you, then he will be fine with getting on his own two feet and saving the pay out from his house sale, or buying somewhere smaller for him amd his son.

Totally agree, I do feel once you reach your forties your priorities do change for so many reasons and I have changed since losing a lot I guess. Im also very protective here of my parents too and respect their hard work in what they have given me and my brother to which this I feel I would say only another person deserves if we are equal or at least I can see stability in them too, the old me may have just brushed it off etc.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 18/10/2023 18:26

he is definitely only getting a lump sum she has agreed on, which yes is completely unfair and controlled if you ask me.

He does need to get a share of her pension but he has not pushed for it as it will be too much like hard work and an effort re solicitors/fees etc so he hasnt done anything and he hasnt the money either.

I have to say that I don't think his miserable outcome from his divorce is 'controlled' in any way. He has basic legal rights with 50:50 as a starting point, probably more if he has been primary carer, so all he needs is a pretty bog-standard lawyer to insist on them. It is not an immense cost or drama and if he has a reasonable-paying job, it would be a major red flag that he could not afford a lawyer's fees to do this. Whether he had to beg or borrow, the amount he would spend on a lawyer would come back numerous times to him in the form of pension and a better share of the house.

Honestly, love, he sounds like he is making every excuse in the book to avoid basic financial self-responsibility and that is also very red-flaggy. If he is accepting a patently unfair divorce settlement plus less time with his child when he has been used to being primary caregiver, something is simply not adding up here.

It is possible that there is something major that he isn't telling you. My ex had an out-of-control hidden spending addiction that precipitated our divorce, so in recognition of all the money he funnelled away from the family over the years, I got a larger share of our assets. I also contributed more to the initial house deposit and had that ring-fenced. My ex takes very little financial responsibility and I am sure he spins people a line about how I took him to the cleaners or he 'just couldn't be bothered fighting me' blah blah blah... some version of events that conveniently leaves out a lot of realities that are unflattering to him. If I were you I would be asking myself and him some hard questions about why he is so happy to accept what seems like a blatant inequity if his story is to be believed.

CheekyHobson · 18/10/2023 18:29

I should also add that at one point late in our relationship, when questioned about his slowness to add to his pension, my ex made it clear that he had his eye on my future inheritance from my parents to finance that retirement. I set him straight pretty fast.

It honestly sounds like your boyfriend sees you as his ticket to Easy Street.

BettyBallerina · 18/10/2023 18:36

Financials aside, I think it’s too early to even be thinking about cohabiting bearing in mind his child. I would stay living separately until such a time as you do all feel ready.

beatrix1234 · 18/10/2023 18:49

I would let the guy move in with me and pay the bills if his son is coming 3 days a week. The house is yours so if this doesn’t work out he’ll need to move out. I would not under any circumstances have him leave the job to work for me. Or you can always state you’re not “financially compatible” and search for a wealthy type with no children, kind and loving (good luck with that but they don’t exist).

LouOrange · 18/10/2023 18:53

Date him by all means but stay financially distant.

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