Strip clubs and lap dances

[Charlie9S]

I'll try and be succinct! My husband visited a strip club twice a couple of months apart. I found out after the second time when he came home at 6.30am and location and his phone notifications gave him away. He has spent nearly 1k that I know of at this strip club. Money that could have been for other important things. He is also not working now although we have a back up fund it is a lot to throw away. He is also tight with money (so all those people I see saying my partner wouldn't do it because he's tight with money, mmm you'd be surprised sadly!) Upon finding out I was very calm, yes my voice wobbling and I was clearly upset but I was calm I did not attack, I wanted clarity of what had gone on, I needed to know if there was a chance I had an STD as I had just had a test amongst my own health scare and I would rather he tell me than the doctor. He said there was no chance and I have tested negative. I calmly asked if he was looking for an out of our relationship, to think long and hard about it as he had clearly risked our marriage he said himself he thought it would hurt me, yet did it again and again. I was clear and gentle saying he knows I am open to talks about anything and he could have had a conversation with me about the boundaries for each other and any wants or needs not being met or wanting to try etc. I had only recently asked if he wanted to try anything new. The friend he went with has an open sort of marriage or they swing, I asked if that is something he wanted he said absolutely not. I never said anything with attack just calm and genuine. I said I just want to understand as best as I can and to be clear on our future, we already have some things that have got to me and I said I don't want to push and work on things when the result is the same just in a few years instead of now. My dad cheated on my mum many times and eventually after 20 years left and imploded our lives.
We spoke about his depression and anxiety and clarifying the pressure he puts on himself is not from me, he had a lot of pressure from his family when younger and work etc and has recently burnt out. I was supportive and positive. We moved forward and he has been generally very respectful and gently trying to make things better. I have been calm and moving forward and carrying on with our lives really as something to move on from. He is also no longer drinking.
However, I had my scans and although I have something it is not really scary or cancer so I am relieved. But almost since then my head is back to how did he do that, he risked our marriage, he spent hundreds on naked women on top of him, I feel like perhaps I just needed to keep moving and now I know I don't have cancer the anger is bubbling up. I know some men like going to strip clubs and he could have had a conversation with me. I just want to talk really and get my feelings out and over with really! But I don't feel I can tell anyone who knows us, and talking more to him keeps it dragging on and I know it isn't helpful to our relationship if I keep bringing it up. If I'm going to let it go then I need to do that. But I am going through in my head what was it really like, what did he get out of it, he jokes about me being old well now I feel like oh god I am old and he has been oggling 20 year olds. I thought we had reconnected, we have been intimate and I thought that would sort of help us move on but I still feel a bit stuck. Damage has been done and now whenever he annoys me a little I go back to that in my head. there are other things that needed improving anyway but this sort of took me to a point of maybe I've had enough.
Not sure what I'm after, do people feel lap dances are cheating, just something silly he screwed up he said he is very ashamed and I have made it clear I am not shaming him, just trying to understand. can anyone just be a friend to talk to just to get it off my chest so I can move forward. Whilst my dad was an idiot at times I remember him saying he'd rather mum didn't forgive him if it was always going to be something she had in a bag to pull out when she was angry. So I don't want to do that. Any advice and support to rebalance my brain?! x

No and I put that to him. absolutely agrees andnis mortified and says they are really odd awkward places, I can't write down everything discussed and I accept some wont agree to stay with him. I believe this is very very alcohol influenced and the person he was with, I don't know if they were trying to embarrass each other by getting dances for each other or just got very caught up in it. He didnt want to go but it was somewhere to drink and carry on the night. and I guess it sort of seems different because of what it is there is no actual sex. plenty of men watch porn and get off to it. and women for that matter. There's more to a marriage and family. There's a reason they go on stag dos realistically it's like a last look before youre really committed I guess. He threw all responsibility into the wind and went along with whatever while being absolutely hammered. Not good but also under a high pressure life to some extent I understand the urge, not the naked women part but where there were naked women there was booze.
anyway. There are worse things he could have done, I also know how he is when drunk and as I said IF this is his moment to get a grip of himself, stop the drink etc then the future for our family is brighter. IF its not and anything happens again there won't be a discussion there will be packed bags and gone.

It’s not the cheating that bothers me so much - it is cheating, it wouldn’t be fine if he did that with your next door neighbour - it’s the attitude towards women, the wrong belief you can buy sexual consent, and the throwing away of money.

Oh. There won’t be packed bags and gone. When it happens again.

I feel for you that your self esteem, confidence and dignity must be so so low with what hes put you through.

Put your energy into looking after you and your children, rather than this utter waste of space. He knows you have been hurt over your father so he hurts you more. He knows his latest antics have hurt you but he will still carry on. The only one who can't hurt you is yourself.

I appreciate you taking the time but you're now attacking me when you have no idea of the kind of person I am or he is. This so far is no way typical and it will be because I've seen this rodeo before.

To the person saying I have low self esteem I don't believe that's true I was and am calmly confident that I can walk and I will be okay. I am not scared of it. I would be sad but quite matter of fact about it really! He does not treat women like this usually and has been nothing but empowering for women and myself, hence the shock of it all, which he as well hates. I guess all I can say is there's a big fuck up and I feel I can take this IF he gets his shit together and appreciates what he's got or we will end or he'll do it again and it'll end. Sometimes it's worth staying and working on a marriage or our own struggles than throwing in the towel. Please don't use my thread to now attack me for being able to see all sides of a problem. It's a strength and I won't be put down for it.

I've got rid of male friends who think that's okay, nevermind partners.

Your approach to the discussion is commendable and I can sense your disappointment. The level of expenditure is too high !

I have to confess at this point that my husband goes 3-4 times a year, with my blessing. We have been married 20 years and he has always visited these establishments, even before I met him. He admitted to this not long after O met him BUT before we dated. I have actually been with him on a few trips.

We have a strong loving relationship and an active monogamous sex-life.

This will be controversial to many but why not join him on a visit ?

Whilst my dad was an idiot at times I remember him saying he'd rather mum didn't forgive him if it was always going to be something she had in a bag to pull out when she was angry.

So either don’t do the thing that upsets her so much, mate, or make and keep a promise to never do it again. Don’t blame the woman you hurt.

.,,

@JoseyRocks
Second thread you've resurrected on strippers today to describe how cool you are with it and how we should be more open to it!
Only one other post on your account and it's another resurrected thread today, about your love for wearing leather and how your husband just loooooooves it!

Josey? James more like!!!

Ihope you left him.

Well you might be happy sitting there and watching your partner getting off on the sight of other women but I expect the majority of us aren't.
You might think this is normal for a happy monogamous relationship but for me certainly it is very sad.

This is absolutely spot on. Great post. And the username refers to my favourite novel which is a weird coincidence.

Oh yes when I first saw that user name I was interested enough to Google it and was mightily impressed - I'd read the book years ago and I'm ashamed to say hadn't remembered the character's name at all.
I was so impressed as a Mumsnet newbie, that someone would have such a literate user name I actually told my son about it.

I get the curiosity around strip clubs and lap dances. If that's your scene, it can be a fun night out with friends. I think it comes down to the place's vibe and atmosphere. Some clubs have a more laid-back feel, while others can be wild. I find it interesting to see how different dancers express themselves. A good lap dance can feel more like a performance art than anything else. Just remember to be respectful to the dancers and the space. If you're looking for a good spot, you might want to check out https://caligirls1ana.com/

This. I want to give your head a gentle wobble.

He's not working and going out spending money with his mates including insane amounts on strippers. That is NOT the way to heal depression, and it is not the way to treat the woman who you love.

What a load of claptrap.

I'll get curious about the art of lapdancing when there are equal numbers of male dancers and female dancers.

I'd call spending a grand at the strip club a combination of borderline cheating and gambling. You're throwing money at the situation when you're unlikely to win the house. It's just like a place to extract as much money from men as possible, like the casino. But with misogyny thrown into the mix.
It's really not good and the fact he's not working, is really tight with money, but still feels compelled to spend at the strip club makes me think he's got an addiction or very little self control. Not a man I'd want to be continuing a relationship with.