Strip clubs and lap dances

[Charlie9S]

I'll try and be succinct! My husband visited a strip club twice a couple of months apart. I found out after the second time when he came home at 6.30am and location and his phone notifications gave him away. He has spent nearly 1k that I know of at this strip club. Money that could have been for other important things. He is also not working now although we have a back up fund it is a lot to throw away. He is also tight with money (so all those people I see saying my partner wouldn't do it because he's tight with money, mmm you'd be surprised sadly!) Upon finding out I was very calm, yes my voice wobbling and I was clearly upset but I was calm I did not attack, I wanted clarity of what had gone on, I needed to know if there was a chance I had an STD as I had just had a test amongst my own health scare and I would rather he tell me than the doctor. He said there was no chance and I have tested negative. I calmly asked if he was looking for an out of our relationship, to think long and hard about it as he had clearly risked our marriage he said himself he thought it would hurt me, yet did it again and again. I was clear and gentle saying he knows I am open to talks about anything and he could have had a conversation with me about the boundaries for each other and any wants or needs not being met or wanting to try etc. I had only recently asked if he wanted to try anything new. The friend he went with has an open sort of marriage or they swing, I asked if that is something he wanted he said absolutely not. I never said anything with attack just calm and genuine. I said I just want to understand as best as I can and to be clear on our future, we already have some things that have got to me and I said I don't want to push and work on things when the result is the same just in a few years instead of now. My dad cheated on my mum many times and eventually after 20 years left and imploded our lives.
We spoke about his depression and anxiety and clarifying the pressure he puts on himself is not from me, he had a lot of pressure from his family when younger and work etc and has recently burnt out. I was supportive and positive. We moved forward and he has been generally very respectful and gently trying to make things better. I have been calm and moving forward and carrying on with our lives really as something to move on from. He is also no longer drinking.
However, I had my scans and although I have something it is not really scary or cancer so I am relieved. But almost since then my head is back to how did he do that, he risked our marriage, he spent hundreds on naked women on top of him, I feel like perhaps I just needed to keep moving and now I know I don't have cancer the anger is bubbling up. I know some men like going to strip clubs and he could have had a conversation with me. I just want to talk really and get my feelings out and over with really! But I don't feel I can tell anyone who knows us, and talking more to him keeps it dragging on and I know it isn't helpful to our relationship if I keep bringing it up. If I'm going to let it go then I need to do that. But I am going through in my head what was it really like, what did he get out of it, he jokes about me being old well now I feel like oh god I am old and he has been oggling 20 year olds. I thought we had reconnected, we have been intimate and I thought that would sort of help us move on but I still feel a bit stuck. Damage has been done and now whenever he annoys me a little I go back to that in my head. there are other things that needed improving anyway but this sort of took me to a point of maybe I've had enough.
Not sure what I'm after, do people feel lap dances are cheating, just something silly he screwed up he said he is very ashamed and I have made it clear I am not shaming him, just trying to understand. can anyone just be a friend to talk to just to get it off my chest so I can move forward. Whilst my dad was an idiot at times I remember him saying he'd rather mum didn't forgive him if it was always going to be something she had in a bag to pull out when she was angry. So I don't want to do that. Any advice and support to rebalance my brain?! x

He would be fucking gone in a heartbeat and I’d pack his woe is me violins, too.

You find me "sad" for pointing out total nonsense so an op isn't confused or misguided by it .... I find you sadder for spouting nonsense on here; you can't even get your story straight. You're totally contradictory. Why should anyone be taking advice from you?

Oh and I have no doubt you'll run to MN to get my post deleted as a personal attack .... What's yours,?

"Too conservative"

'get a life"

"You're so sad ...."

I don't have an issue with stripvlubs but if my other half spent 1000 in one I would be livid.
40-60 okay but not that

Please show where you got your evidence from assaults happen around strip clubs in the UK. I was unable to find anything on that. Interested to know if true

You actually sound very jealous to me. I don't agree with what op husband has done but you're literally foaming at the mouth men go to stripvlubs to spend on woman usually hot younger ones. Is that the issue here?

To add balance, I’m a man and think strip clubs are fucking grim - so far I’ve had to leave 2 stag does early as ‘that’s the way the evening was heading’

Seedy, scummy and exploitative.

Yuck, not for me.

Pretty sure we have a troll here Gilber.
And a male one at that. I wouldn’t waste your energy! 👍

I thought about replying to you @Mydogmybestfriend then I saw your post to @GilberMarkham calling her jealous and I thought, 'why bother?'.

And the 'jealous' accusation, along with conservative and closed minded are just silly. I've been friends with, hung out with, happily chatted to women doing everything from 'bar' work in Thailand to a dungeon owner in London, street sex workers in North America. Lovely all of them. Liked them very much. Not jealous. Sometimes sad for them, worried about them, in one case mourning for her.

The vast majority do not speak highly of the customers out of their earshot, just in case you're labouring under the impression that they really like you. They don't.

Personally I loathe strip clubs. I know a lot of men that have cheated on their partners due to being aroused after going in a strip club.

Spending 1k on private dances is abhorrent.
Many of DHs friends have gone to them and tell him how close the strippers vulva has come to their face and how great it was etc.
My view is, if a man called somebody up and paid them money to come to their house and grind on them naked (but the man was sat on their hands), would it be alright? No it effing wouldn't. It isn't fine on strip clubs either. They're disgusting and I don't think men that are in committed relationships should be in them.

My DH has turned down so many stag do invitations because he knows how strongly I feel about strip clubs (why can't somebody have a stag without going to a strip club?) and I am incredibly grateful to him that he respects this boundary of mine. Going in is one thing, spending money on it....no. Spending one thousand pounds on it...I couldn't bring myself to even look at somebody the same way again if they did something like that.

Don't think it's just dances for £1000. I think he's had sex. Just used protection.

Get rid of him.

He is wasting money, sounds like he contributes nothing to the relationship and thinks it is OK for him to spend time with other women.

You are better off without someone like that.

A thousand on dances? That's a lot of dances...

I hope you get rid op. You deserve so much better.

Pmsl.

Jealous of who lol?

WTAF are you on about?

In any case, I gave my considered opinion on people in relationships going into strip clubs, esp. for private "dances" in the first post on this thread. It involved no "foaming".

If you're referring to me calling out the person who told the op that lap dancing clubs are fun and op should join her husband in there, followed by saying she (?) hasn't actually ever been in one and doesn't know what they're like .... Thus looking like a total header (while claiming they're a friend to the op); if I was strident, there's an obvious reason for that.

I don't know if they're a troll as another poster suggested or not, thankfully they seem to have gotten off the thread.

What you're on about, fk only knows.

then I saw your post to @GilberMarkhamcalling her jealous and I thought, 'why bother?'

Yep.

I can't add much to this.

It's not my scene at all but ended up in some on stag nights or when travelling with work

£1000 is a lot. In the UK we're in champagne and table with one or two girls territory for that much. It's not just private dances.

Some outside the UK (think Germany, Russia, Hong Kong) are anything goes so could be worse

PPs points are true though. Don't put up with this

Okay WOW it kicked off!! I am sorry that has happened and my upset has caused others to feel angry/upset etc.
I am VERY grateful for everyone taking their time and giving their energy to reply to me and support me and fiercely protect a fellow woman.

I fully understand and have no problems with a couple who enjoy going to strip clubs together, or are happy with their partner going or whatever kinks and quirks they enjoy as part of a happy healthy relationship. The world would be ever so dull if we were all the same. As long as no harm or abuse etc is happening and all parties are happy then it's up to you what floats your boat!

It is also hard to know what kind of man he is from limited info online. (Or what kind of woman I am! I could be a fucking nightmare haha!) He is not a lay about although has been quite distracted and lacking engagement with his family. Very fuelled by perhaps more anxiety than depression, over worked perfectionist overwhelmed by life and his own mind and made very much worse by heavy drinking, plus 3 loud boisterous kids, sole earner, so I don't have to risk my own health by going back to work unless I want to. (as I have a chronic condition). A lot of these pressures are self inflicted and his own mentality and not from me at all, and I am going back to work on two levels because I want to after being just mum for a long time and because I want to relieve some pressure. And we have spoken about his mental wellbeing and making steps for himself that I cannot do for him. (I should add whilst the money is eye watering, it was probably around 750 ish it was a high end expensive place and split over two occasions including drink etc, yes private dances, yes lots of money, very insane and he is furious with himself on many levels)

There are shitty people that do really shitty things and we are well rid and worth more. And there are good people who do shitty things when at their worst and influenced by shitty things/people.

IF this is his wake up moment of holy shite I nearly lost everything, even his moment of consideration of another woman over me and he makes the changes he needs to for himself and family and we go forward from here then I'll take it, whilst shite and cringey if this is his worst act on our marriage then I'll take it and be glad he had this wake up call now. People obviously feel I should be mad (which I am/was) but I'm not saying it's okay by keeping calm and in my opinion controlling my own behaviour. Increasing shame leads to increase in negative behaviour. And showing my own strengths I like to think that he is grateful for and wouldn't want to lose, which he will if he does anything like that again. I did talk more and ask more questions and he said he hated how he could hurt me and the thought that all this is whirling around in my head and he just can't take it away or undo it. For now he is making the changes we needed as a family, this is his moment to turn things around and he knows that.
You don't need our life stories but I wanted to try reassure or clarify for some people who have kindly taken the time to reply. I didn't tell people who knew him because then their opinion gets caught up and their view of him that he can't undo either, yes maybe deserved but actually sometimes we need someone to have our backs when we screw up and I am meant to be that person and vice versa for him. This is so unlike the person I know that I have been trying to understand it, eg is he actually miserable with me and the life he has with us and therefore this sort of thing will just repeat until I throw in the towel in which case I'd rather be gone now! (I'd add he said please talk to whoever I need to, scream, do whatever I need to etc. Not telling anyone is not from shame but protecting my family in this moment - doesn't mean I wouldn't in the future if I needed/wanted to.)

I guess if this is the worst and gets something out of his system and we move forward better and he uses it as his rock bottom to come back from, then okay. If he humiliates me, is dishonest or cheats/does something like this again he knows I'm just walking.

It has made me conscious of my body and wobbly bits and age creeping up on me, but I'm not letting something stupid make me feel less worthy, my body has done amazing things and I wear those scars with pride so I will make sure to keep my head held high.

Please don't get so mad at each other you have all come to help someone sound out their feelings and feel less lonely at a dark time. We should have each others backs, we can't agree with everyone and that's okay.
I guess in summary to my essay, we are more than our worst mistakes and we need someone to believe that sometimes.

I am feeling much more at peace and able to move forward. And I know what my boundaries are so does he. Let's hope it's the last time I have to think about it and the positive changes are permanent. Thank you all again :-) xxx

Also a man and agree with this.
Wife/girlfriend acting in that way solely for me in the privacy of our home... happy days.

Random woman doing it for many, many men before me in a public place, and I have to pay for it... nah. Same view of prostitutes and paying for Only fans/porn. Its just desperate/grim.

Glad I'm not the only man on here that thinks like this!

Thankyou for speaking up, I have met many men who think they are grim.

Yes. Thanks to the blokes who see it for what it is.

Just because it happened in a 'strip club' it doesn't make what he's done okay.

If a naked woman had gave him a lap dance in a living room, it would absolutely be classed as cheating.

Strip clubs are a horrible concept and I have no idea how people think it doesn't count as infidelity.