Page 5 | How soon did you sleep with someone?

Cherriesandstrawberries · 2023-10-15T19:35:37+00:00

I’m going on a 2nd and 3rd date next weekend, two nights in a row with same guy. I know everyone has different opinions of when to do the deed but I’m thinking the 3rd date if it goes well? Wondering others opinion if that’s too soon? Or how soon did others? We’re both late 30’s and looking for a relationship…

anareen · 17/10/2023 05:58

Whenever you feel comfortable. Don't let anyone pressure you into feeling otherwise.

Brocollimatilda · 17/10/2023 06:54

C1N1C · 16/10/2023 21:12

I was watching a podcast (I'm bored a lot)... and I remember a comment...

Why is it that people (I'm keeping this generic) will sleep with players etc on the first night or two. But make the ones they actually care about wait weeks or months?

...I.e. why do many people make someone they like actually work for it, but give it away for free to someone they have no real interest in?

I suppose you’re more vulnerable with people you care about. So maybe more careful to avoid getting hurt?

PermanentTemporary · 17/10/2023 07:11

When you want to, and not when you feel you ought to. And I'm on the half an hour end of things as a rule.

The second date with dp, would have been the first but we were on an extremely busy national walking trail. I thought we would both keel over with desire after waiting 3 days to get together again.

Musiclover234 · 17/10/2023 07:17

Wr had been talking on and off for ages before we met up. We were both nervous on our first date got v drunk and took the night home. Maybe not the best advice but still together 12.5 years later.

I think people should go with their gut and own instincts when they feel ready and comfortable.

gannett · 17/10/2023 07:18

C1N1C · 16/10/2023 21:32

But that's my point... many people (not you!), are quite happy to have one-night stands... which is essentially giving the goods to people unworthy of LTRs... yet make the nice ones actually work for it, as you've said you would.

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It's really weird to think of sex in terms of "giving up the goods" or giving up anything tbh. Good sex enhances my life, it's getting the goods not giving them up.

Has anyone ever told a man who has sex early on that he's "giving up the goods"?!

I find the whole "he's only after one thing" stark warnings to be the flipside of it. Sometimes I've only been after one thing. Nothing wrong with men or women being after sex if they're honest about it.

And while I was very much a ONS kind of girl in my 20s, there were obviously plenty of times I didn't have sex immediately, even with attractive men. The reasons were almost always incredibly boring: I was tired, stressed by other things in my life, unsure whether they were into me, unsure whether I was into them. Sometimes you're in the mood for sex and sometimes you're in the mood to be alone and it's not always anything to do with your date.

ShellySarah · 17/10/2023 07:25

gannett · 17/10/2023 07:18

It's really weird to think of sex in terms of "giving up the goods" or giving up anything tbh. Good sex enhances my life, it's getting the goods not giving them up.

Has anyone ever told a man who has sex early on that he's "giving up the goods"?!

I find the whole "he's only after one thing" stark warnings to be the flipside of it. Sometimes I've only been after one thing. Nothing wrong with men or women being after sex if they're honest about it.

And while I was very much a ONS kind of girl in my 20s, there were obviously plenty of times I didn't have sex immediately, even with attractive men. The reasons were almost always incredibly boring: I was tired, stressed by other things in my life, unsure whether they were into me, unsure whether I was into them. Sometimes you're in the mood for sex and sometimes you're in the mood to be alone and it's not always anything to do with your date.

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Plenty of men aren't honest about it and that's the problem.

You say you're looking for a relationship and they do too. Until you have sex and then they change and suddenly a couple of weeks later they turn and are hot / cold. So I wouldn't have had sex with those men if I'd known their true intention. That's what I mean by giving it up.

If they're just looking for casual just say is all they should do and I'd pass them by.

You were a ONS girl & that's your choice but the idea of ONS is awful to me. Not everyone wants the same. Whilst you don't understand giving up the goods, many people don't understand why anyone would want ONS.

SpringleDingle · 17/10/2023 07:27

With ExH (married 12 years) it was on first date. Current OH was on date 4. Neither answer is “right”

Moomoomo · 17/10/2023 07:33

First date with my husband. Worked out fine for us!

gannett · 17/10/2023 07:39

ShellySarah · 17/10/2023 07:25

Plenty of men aren't honest about it and that's the problem.

You say you're looking for a relationship and they do too. Until you have sex and then they change and suddenly a couple of weeks later they turn and are hot / cold. So I wouldn't have had sex with those men if I'd known their true intention. That's what I mean by giving it up.

If they're just looking for casual just say is all they should do and I'd pass them by.

You were a ONS girl & that's your choice but the idea of ONS is awful to me. Not everyone wants the same. Whilst you don't understand giving up the goods, many people don't understand why anyone would want ONS.

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Don't worry, it bit me on the bum when I was only looking for one thing when I met DP and ended up in a 10-year relationship. My true intention was a ONS, then a week later I accepted it might be a nice short fling before I went back to my single girl ways, which I very much enjoyed. A decade later I don't think that's on the cards any more.

I don't know how you can tell whether you want a relationship with someone or not until you actually get to know the person though. That takes months if not years. Much simpler to know whether you want to have sex with someone or not (and it's information which will help re: knowing whether you want a relationship with them), and if you want sex you do't lose anything by having it. If you don't want sex, absolutely don't have it until you do.

C1N1C · 17/10/2023 07:43

gannett · 17/10/2023 07:18

It's really weird to think of sex in terms of "giving up the goods" or giving up anything tbh. Good sex enhances my life, it's getting the goods not giving them up.

Has anyone ever told a man who has sex early on that he's "giving up the goods"?!

I find the whole "he's only after one thing" stark warnings to be the flipside of it. Sometimes I've only been after one thing. Nothing wrong with men or women being after sex if they're honest about it.

And while I was very much a ONS kind of girl in my 20s, there were obviously plenty of times I didn't have sex immediately, even with attractive men. The reasons were almost always incredibly boring: I was tired, stressed by other things in my life, unsure whether they were into me, unsure whether I was into them. Sometimes you're in the mood for sex and sometimes you're in the mood to be alone and it's not always anything to do with your date.

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You're right, but you're naming exceptions. I'm talking about the 'typical', I'd almost call it a 'standard practice' attitude where a hopefully worthy suitor is made to wait for sex while ONSs get it quickly with little effort. You're right that usually emotions get involved, and this is why people justify making them wait.

The bit I struggle with is that for many people, I'd argue especially men, sex is the 'prize'. The dating, dinners, spending money, meeting friends... time together in general... is effectively an obstacle in the way. This is an obstacle that nice, potential suitors have to navigate, but ONSs get to queue-jump. I know in reality the good ones enjoy that time together, but nevertheless, it is still a time/effort barrier in the way exclusively for someone you're meant to be interested in.

NineteenOhEight · 17/10/2023 08:04

C1N1C · 17/10/2023 07:43

You're right, but you're naming exceptions. I'm talking about the 'typical', I'd almost call it a 'standard practice' attitude where a hopefully worthy suitor is made to wait for sex while ONSs get it quickly with little effort. You're right that usually emotions get involved, and this is why people justify making them wait.

The bit I struggle with is that for many people, I'd argue especially men, sex is the 'prize'. The dating, dinners, spending money, meeting friends... time together in general... is effectively an obstacle in the way. This is an obstacle that nice, potential suitors have to navigate, but ONSs get to queue-jump. I know in reality the good ones enjoy that time together, but nevertheless, it is still a time/effort barrier in the way exclusively for someone you're meant to be interested in.

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That makes no sense. Your highly-gendered ‘logic’ is exactly the reason why women have been socialised to gatekeep/withhold sex from men they want commitment from, but consider ONS operate according to different ‘rules’. The idea being that men value more highly what they have to wait/‘work’ for.

Personally, I think that’s damaging and sexist, and sex is something I want early on, to check for compatibility etc.

gannett · 17/10/2023 08:09

C1N1C · 17/10/2023 07:43

You're right, but you're naming exceptions. I'm talking about the 'typical', I'd almost call it a 'standard practice' attitude where a hopefully worthy suitor is made to wait for sex while ONSs get it quickly with little effort. You're right that usually emotions get involved, and this is why people justify making them wait.

The bit I struggle with is that for many people, I'd argue especially men, sex is the 'prize'. The dating, dinners, spending money, meeting friends... time together in general... is effectively an obstacle in the way. This is an obstacle that nice, potential suitors have to navigate, but ONSs get to queue-jump. I know in reality the good ones enjoy that time together, but nevertheless, it is still a time/effort barrier in the way exclusively for someone you're meant to be interested in.

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If you think having dinner with me, spending time with me and meeting my friends is an obstacle, then you're definitely not relationship material and probably not ONS material! (No spending money except your half of the bill required though.)

Anyway it's for your own benefit. As someone who was liable for dropping men after sleeping with them, if I thought I really liked someone I wouldn't have wanted to risk hurting him if/when I got bored. If he was a player or someone I didn't really care about... much easier.

EBearhug · 17/10/2023 08:29

You're right, but you're naming exceptions. I'm talking about the 'typical', I'd almost call it a 'standard practice' attitude where a hopefully worthy suitor is made to wait for sex while ONSs get it quickly with little effort. You're right that usually emotions get involved, and this is why people justify making them wait.

Are ONSes really an exception? I think lots of us work that way - after all, you might as well have fun while you're looking. It's just a different way.

PaintedEgg · 17/10/2023 09:23

@C1N1C because you don't make the suitor wait, you make yourself wait.

with one night stand you know you wont catch feelings, and in the morning you are more likely to crave water to cure a hungover than a cuddle. You may not even know the person well and you wont care to.

if you are hoping for LTR then you're risking your own feelings so you may not be up for sex because its more than just that

EBearhug · 17/10/2023 09:25

PaintedEgg · 17/10/2023 09:23

@C1N1C because you don't make the suitor wait, you make yourself wait.

with one night stand you know you wont catch feelings, and in the morning you are more likely to crave water to cure a hungover than a cuddle. You may not even know the person well and you wont care to.

if you are hoping for LTR then you're risking your own feelings so you may not be up for sex because its more than just that

Edited

But what if you catch feelings and then realise you're not compatible in bed? It's better to know that up front IMO.

BetterPlease · 17/10/2023 09:30

I would want to check they are not carrying any STIs, which are now prevalent and some of them are not stopped at all by a condom.

PaintedEgg · 17/10/2023 09:32

EBearhug · 17/10/2023 09:25

But what if you catch feelings and then realise you're not compatible in bed? It's better to know that up front IMO.

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then you come here and start a thread about it 😜

just to clarify, this is based on observation and conversations with friends playing it safe with own feelings was the main reason to not sleep with someone despite being ok with one night stands

Personally, I only ever went for what I assumed may have been a one night stand once...and now we have a baby and a mortgage together so I clearly failed successfully at my one night stand game

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 17/10/2023 09:32

Current boyfriend think I waited 2-3 months. Previous partners I’ve done it on first, second and third dates or waited 2 months. Used to have a rule in my 20s where we waited something like 3-4 dates.

C1N1C · 17/10/2023 09:56

@gannett

(So as not to spread out the posts)

You made two points... time with someone and dates are still effort. Time is valuable, money is valuable. You said if spending time with you is effort, they're not relationship material, which is fair... The point I'm making is that you are putting more 'work' in front of someone you care about for sex compared to someone you don't.
Your second point was that you don't want to risk hurting them by letting them get to know you first and not getting them super invested with 'premature' sex. You could argue that's worse as their heart is more involved.

By the way, I'm not actually expressing my own opinions... as I said, it's what I heard on a podcast, so I put it out there and was interested in people's thoughts.

SheerLucks · 17/10/2023 15:00

I've had five long term relationships:

No.1 first date
No.2 third date
No.3 first date
No,4 second date
No.5 2nd date (now my husband).

If you find you keep thinking about having sex with him and can't stop picturing him naked when you're with him...then just do it!

Lookingoutside · 17/10/2023 16:26

Cherriesandstrawberries · 15/10/2023 20:46

Nice to hear it can be quite instant for some and it’s worked out. I suppose I was worried that he won’t put effort in if it’s too soon but he seems to genuinely be looking for a relationship

If he does that then you’ll know he’s a loser.

A man who will judge you for something he took part in (having sex early on) is a misogynist and potential abuser.

Have sex when you want to have sex. If he then changes his behaviour towards you, block and delete him the second you notice.

NotNowGertrude · 17/10/2023 16:36

I've been around date 4/5 in the past but oxytocin always gets me, I end up with guys I enjoy having sex with then later realise they aren't right for me & find it hard to end it!

I'm going to try the 2 month approach next time & see if that works!

beatrix1234 · 17/10/2023 18:34

C1N1C · 16/10/2023 21:12

I was watching a podcast (I'm bored a lot)... and I remember a comment...

Why is it that people (I'm keeping this generic) will sleep with players etc on the first night or two. But make the ones they actually care about wait weeks or months?

...I.e. why do many people make someone they like actually work for it, but give it away for free to someone they have no real interest in?

Because someone you’re not interested in romantically can make a good shag and there’s no danger of getting attached while someone who you’re interested in there’s the danger of getting attached hence the reason you might want to tread “more careful” if you don’t want to get hurt.

beatrix1234 · 17/10/2023 18:44

@Lookingoutside A man who will judge you for something he took part in (having sex early on) is a misogynist and potential abuser.

A guy who wants to sleep with me right away is either 1) a bit desperate, 2) does this with everyone (which is quite a turn off) or 3) has little boundaries and is not very picky. Wanting to sleep with me right away is a red flag and a man looses value in my eyes. Does that makes me a misogynist? 🤔

No1MumPendant · 17/10/2023 18:52

When I was young I’d sleep with someone when I damn well pleased 😀…first night we met if I fancied it. But I was like Teflon as a young woman and wasn’t that bothered about whether things would turn out to be serious or not (sometimes it did develop into a relationship), so it was low risk.

I’m actually long married, and didn’t sleep with my DH for about 6 months and many dates, as he was still living with his ex while they tried to sell their house and move on, and I just didn’t fancy sex at mine and then him toddling off to sleep under the same roof as his ex. He was very patient and 22 years later we are very happy. That was the longest I’ve ever waited though!