I think DH and I need help

[Justnoidea]

This is going to be long.

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 7. We have 2 kids, 5 and 3. We both work full time but I earn significantly more than DH does.

Our childcare costs are more than DH contributes to household finances, so as a family we are essentially paying him to work (his job is his passion). He does a good amount of childcare but I do more. We are fairly equal in terms of household tasks - he does more laundry/cooking/food ordering; I do all the kids mental load type stuff. We share housework and have a cleaner.

My job is intense and high pressure. I very often have to work late into the night once the kids are in bed. I don’t really have time for any hobbies or exercise or a social life as I prioritise work and seeing the kids. I actually don’t really mind this as I feel like it’s impossible to have it all and at least this way I feel like I’m doing well at work and at being a mum. We have no family anywhere near by and no other support and went through a tough time over covid when I had a newborn and toddler and suffered really bad PND that was untreated but that has fortunately resolved now.

But DH and I had an argument last night where he basically complained that I wasn’t “inspiring” him on the basis that most evenings I’m shattered and want to fall asleep in front of Netflix. I think he essentially wants me to make more of an effort with and for him. I should say that I thought our sex life was pretty good given all of the above - we have sex between 1 and 3 times/week - but I basically prefer quickies whereas DH wants candles and massages etc etc.

I basically feel outraged that I am giving so much to him and our family already and how dare he demand that I also put in a full on performance for him in the bedroom on top of all that. He feels ignored and not valued, and probably insecure because of the earning disparity. The argument was really terrible and he actually said maybe we’d be better off divorced.

i love him and don’t want that but at the same time I feel like there is a lot of resentment building on both sides and I don’t know how to get things back on track. Maybe we need relationship counselling? Or is he just totally taking the piss?

I'm not usually one for counselling but I think you need to communicate these things in a safe way before one of you explodes. He needs to hear all of that.

Must be nice to have someone bankroll you so you and indulge in your passion. He's got it made really hasn't he? Now all she wants is you to put on the sexy underwear and suck him off and his life will he complete. While you're slowly burning out and don't have the spoons to top off his life like that.

Tell him maybe you should divorce. See if he can manage totally on his wage without you propping him up.

He couldn’t survive on his wage. It would be awful for him. But it would also be awful for our kids and I don’t think I could do that to them.

I also do love him and want it to work. But at the same time I think he’s being completely unreasonable and if he continues not appreciating what we have like this then my own feelings are probably going to change.

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who worked half the night and thought it was fine to have no time for any kind of hobby or fun. It sounds like you're just different people who prioritise different things.

Does he just want more sex? It sounds like he wants more closeness, time together and intimacy, but not necessarily more sex (I might be wrong though). Whereas you just get it over quickly, put a tick in the sex box and move on to the next thing you need to do.

Yes @itsmyp4rty that’s totally fair and probably exactly how he sees it.

I would love to have time for hobbies and fun but sadly cannot do this without cutting back at work or on my time with the kids. I can’t realistically cut down on work hours and I don’t think it’s fair on the kids to see them less/spend less time with them, unless that’s basically what is needed to save our marriage?

I agree with @itsmyp4rty. But I can also see what you're saying.

You're being pulled in all directions and thought you were doing well until DH decided he wants more of you too. That implies he's jealous of the attention you give to other areas in your life.

You can't do it all. At least not without compromise.

I think that couples counselling might help you re-set your relationship and unburden some of the resentment.

I think neither of you is really BU. 2 parents who work full time, 2 little ones, no family help, been in the trenches a while. It’s tough. I can also totally get your pov that you have nothing left to give. But it sounds like there is plenty of good left in your relationship. Can you put aside some time for each other? Not necessarily full on sex night but just eating together at the table, watching something together etc. work out a compromise - what could he do for you that would give you more time/energy/headspace for this?

Having been in the situation that I had to split with ex and lose time with ds from a v young age, the fall out from that is so much harder than it’d be to put a bit extra into the relationship.

As an aside… How much is childcare for a 5 and 3 yr old that it’s more than a full time salary? Or does he keep a lot if his salary for himself? Is this likely to change once 3 yo gets free hours or goes to school?

You definitely need counselling if your marriage is to survive.

This is a mess.

There's nothing inherently wrong with one partner earning more than the other, and actively choosing the implications of that.

However, deciding that he can, without consideration, work a job that is a passion project for him but has an adverse outcome for the family, is not ok.

Part of your conversations need to be that you both reconsider how & your roles. If he had another job that reduced the financial pressure on you, could you work less? If your job requires that level of intensity (and I know several couples in that situation) then he must take on more responsibility domestically.

He can't have it every way - a low paying job he loves, with minimal pressure, family finances taken care of by you, doing equal amounts of household tasks & expecting long, performative sex.

Why isn't he earning more? Why is so much oh your shoulders financially? Does he understand that you work into the evening to finance your lives because he doesn't earn enough to pull his weight?

Yes to counselling.

He sounds selfish and delusional, but I guess there are two sides to every story and as you have young children it's worth exploring all avenues rather than splitting.

Solution seems pretty easy to me. If he has time for hobbies and fun and you don’t then he needs to take on more of the load.

You mention that you do the mental load and you share the housework. So perhaps he takes on all housework and takes over some - if not all- of the mental load. That will then give you more time to have fun and him less time to brood without taking away work time and time with the kids.

The error you have made is in acting like you both work equal time when, in fact, you work significantly more than full time and he doesn’t.

So he doesn’t really have time for hobbies either BUT his job is something that most other people do as a hobby, and he absolutely adores it and it completely fulfilled by it.

He would have to quit and retrain and do something else entirely to earn more than he does now. Neither of us actually want that.

We have a nanny now to provide full time care for the 3 year old and wrap around for the 5 year old. It is very expensive. We could pay less and use a patchwork of nursery and after school club etc but would become so much more logistically difficult given my job/working hours. It will be easier when the little one goes to school but that’s not until 2025.

I think something needs to change in terms of how we relate to each other and divide up our lives. Counselling probably is the way forward if it can help us do this as I think deep down we actually make a good team.

I think deep down we actually make a good team.

With respect, it's very deep.

It's fine if you mutually decide his job is worth supporting. That's valid.

But it can't be worth supporting at such a financial and emotional / health cost to you.

If his job does not require the hours and intensity of yours, he must do more domestically. That's just the logical way to proceed.

It's totally unfair at present. Many of us may wish to have jobs we love centered around a hobby, but we've responsibilities & can't. Did I read that he couldn't manage himself on his salary alone? What would he do if you didn't support him?

@Justnoidea another vote for yes for counselling. DH and I are having couples counseling at the moment for very similar issues and while it's very very hard going, I can see real (positive) change in our relationship. It's taken quite a few sessions to get to this point though.

Sending best wishes to you

I don’t think it’s fair on the kids to see them less/spend less time with them, unless that’s basically what is needed to save our marriage?

If that’s what is needed to save your marriage then that is what must be done. However you do it, carve out some time for intimacy in your marriage else it will die. Your husband is sounding the alarm bell. You must heed it. But he must heed it too and make some changes. It isn’t all on you.

Thanks everyone for the contributions. I think it’s a good wake up call.

I think the issue that I don’t really have capacity for more intimacy with him at the moment, and I’m actually ok with that as I see it as a temporary situation while we’re in the trenches with the kids and work, but he’s not happy with that.

My knee jerk reaction is that he has no right not to be happy with it when I do so much for us as a family, but actually I do see that he is entitled to feel that way.

And we need to somehow redistribute things so that we both get more of what we want/deserve.

Well you could. Jobs can be changed, you can change hours to less demanding and he can change his to bring in more coin to bridge the shortfall.

If something needs to give. Then he has to step up to help do that.

If he earned more, would you cut back your hours?

Must be nice working your dream job earning less than childcare costs and having a wife happy to bank roll it. Your husband is a man child. Now you are not having sex with him, poor bugger, he find someone who will

Sounds like you both like your jobs and they both come with pros and cons, yours is really long hours and we'll paid and his he absolutely loves it but pay is crap!

Whatever each of you did professional with you both working full time (could say you are working evan more than full time) and with 2 children things are going to be really pushed.

Like you said I wouldn't want my husband to give up a job he loved to look after the kids, I still think you would have the same issues anyway as you would still be working long hours (or would you cut your hours down? Sounds like your job is very high pressured) even if he did not work.

As my children are older now looking back I can see how bloody difficult it is with young children, it kind of puts relationships in a pressure pot and whatever you do I think it's easy for resentment to build.

You obviously care for one another alot, I would try and put some time together (difficult I know) and get things out (both sides) and air the feelings. You want things to work and communication is key, I can appreciate how he feels and also how you do so think working together to validate both your feelings is 👌

Personally I think he is being extremely unreasonable- does he work away from the home?? If not why would nursery and after school club not fit ( and save money) and he dies a bit more with the kids !! the idea he doesn't find you 'inspiring' - whilst you are basically keeping the show on the road is a bloody insult.

@Crikeyalmighty he sometimes travels for work and so do I. The convenience of the nanny coming to us and dealing with school pick ups, drop offs (if need be) and being able to cover sickness and holidays is just invaluable while the kids are so small.

Neither of us can change our hours/earnings doing what we currently do. To change that (him earning more, me working less) we would both need completely different jobs. It is possible but I feel like there must be some way of making it work without us doing that?

I think you should go to counselling ASAP. It sounds to me like you are basically compatible but are having trouble with effective communication- a decent counsellor should definitely be able to help with this.

Yeah, why isn't he just earning more? Just tell him to walk into one of those £100k jobs everyone else's DH has, it's that easy.

Is work/money really worth this misery? Don't you both need new jobs?

Anyone can earn more. If not by changing roles then by adding in an extra part time job. He could work 2 evenings a week from home and give the OP a rest then...