I think DH and I need help

[Justnoidea]

This is going to be long.

DH and I have been together for 12 years married for 7. We have 2 kids, 5 and 3. We both work full time but I earn significantly more than DH does.

Our childcare costs are more than DH contributes to household finances, so as a family we are essentially paying him to work (his job is his passion). He does a good amount of childcare but I do more. We are fairly equal in terms of household tasks - he does more laundry/cooking/food ordering; I do all the kids mental load type stuff. We share housework and have a cleaner.

My job is intense and high pressure. I very often have to work late into the night once the kids are in bed. I don’t really have time for any hobbies or exercise or a social life as I prioritise work and seeing the kids. I actually don’t really mind this as I feel like it’s impossible to have it all and at least this way I feel like I’m doing well at work and at being a mum. We have no family anywhere near by and no other support and went through a tough time over covid when I had a newborn and toddler and suffered really bad PND that was untreated but that has fortunately resolved now.

But DH and I had an argument last night where he basically complained that I wasn’t “inspiring” him on the basis that most evenings I’m shattered and want to fall asleep in front of Netflix. I think he essentially wants me to make more of an effort with and for him. I should say that I thought our sex life was pretty good given all of the above - we have sex between 1 and 3 times/week - but I basically prefer quickies whereas DH wants candles and massages etc etc.

I basically feel outraged that I am giving so much to him and our family already and how dare he demand that I also put in a full on performance for him in the bedroom on top of all that. He feels ignored and not valued, and probably insecure because of the earning disparity. The argument was really terrible and he actually said maybe we’d be better off divorced.

i love him and don’t want that but at the same time I feel like there is a lot of resentment building on both sides and I don’t know how to get things back on track. Maybe we need relationship counselling? Or is he just totally taking the piss?

What is he doing to inspire you?

Yes exactly.
i am working just now so I need to come back to respond properly, but FFS, he needs to grow up a bit. If he cannot survive on his income, and you are paying a nanny because he is also not available to do childcare, then how exactly does he think the family is working, if not by your efforts, which necessitate working long hours and balancing this with childcare? Jeez.

So he thinks he would be better off divorced? Blimey, that’s quite a statement. I suppose he thinks that you could continue to subsidise his lifestyle ‘working’ his hobby, and get someone a bit less knackered to flounce around the bedroom . I don’t think he has worked out the finances properly, tbh.

I think you sound like a pretty good deal for most people, OP. A bit more support from DH wouldn’t come amiss.

You don't "inspire" him. It's your fault the sex is bad. YOU need to make more of an effort. Threats of divorce. He feels neglected, overlooked, blah blah blah.

This is how The Script begins.

Definitely this.

he wants you to be and di everything but doesn’t seem to want to change anything. He needs a bit of a wake up call

I can see it from your point of view, but also it must be miserable having little quality time with your partner.

Can you not reduce your working hours to 4 days pw, or set better boundaries, or do your job at another place where it might be less intense?

But so can he!!

He is benefitting massively from the long hours the OP is putting incl the fact he can carry on doing a job he loves and feels fulfilled with.
It’s easy to say that the OP can change her job. But will the DH be happy to see her do less hours and be more available but suddenly needing him to change his job to compensate for the loss of income?

You see I doubt he’d be happy to change his job fir something more lucrative but not as fulfilling.

he threatened to get divorced but cannot financially cope with that.

He wants change but expects the OP to do the change.

If this is becoming a deal breaker fir him, why not proposing solutions said instead? You know something like
’I can see you are struggling to do it all. I’d really like to spend more time together and have date nights/sex/evening together, what could I do to ease the load fur you so it’s feasible fir you? ‘
Maybe looking at ways to put that time together as a priority (eg ‘booking those date nights’)

Instead he has dropped the problem onto the OP arms and us expecting her to solve it as if she was the only one involved/THE cause if tte problem. And it’s highly likely it’s not the case….

Think you need to read my post again like.

It is. So when they go and fuck someone else. They can blame the missus for neglecting them 🙄

Crikey. I think it’s pretty difficult for mums of young children to have time for hobbies in addition to high powered jobs, childcare, household and regularly having sex with husband. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day.

I think it's unfair that you're holding your increased salary over him. It sounds like your family responsibilities are fairly evenly split.

Your husband wants more of you back. It's not fun living with a workaholic. I think you need a bit of perspective to be honest. I think you're lucky to have a partner would wants to romance you in bed, who pulls his weight around the house and who has a great career (this isn't always money driven - pursuing a passion is inspirational to me).

YABU.

Do you get paid for the overtime OP?

So you do a really full on job, earn all the money and pay a nanny to cover childcare, whilst your DH does a hobby job and he thinks you are not doing enough for him. He really is taking the piss. He sounds like an entitled man child.

He has a job that most people do as a hobby, his income doesn’t cover the childcare costs so your work keeps the household afloat, and he’s complaining that you don’t inspire him? Inspire?! Why does he feel you should be inspiring him?
I’m not surprised you’re not up for long sex sessions with candles and massages.

Am strongly wondering if this is a reverse...

@EmmaDilemma5 i don’t get paid for overtime per se but the very high salary comes with a recognition that I’ll do very long hours when needed.

Im really pleased to see the variety of responses on here because I was struggling to see his point of view and actually I don’t think either of us are wholly right or wrong.

@Eleganz it is not a reverse. But in many ways I have the more traditionally “male” role in the family as I’m the breadwinner, and I think that’s part of why we both struggle at times as we’re going against the norm.

I know very few couples with two young DCs who would regularly be having long sex sessions with massages and candles 2-3 times per week.

Most couples with DCs that age will get to the evening and flop in front of the tv.
Don't pretzel yourself to do any more than you do already OP.

Agree with most of messages here. Definitely some counselling would help, especially to allow you space to voice your feelings with a third party present. Relationships are about balance which it seems you currently don’t have. I think feelings of resentment creep in too and it’s hard to come back from there. I hope you find a resolution to your situation.

In almost any relationship, working very long hours will affect the other person. You're basically asking him to put his feelings on hold for an indefinite period of time.

You've got to ask yourselves is it worth it?

I'd say this even if the genders were reversed btw.

How did he make a living before he met you if a) this is his only line of work and b) he would need to completely retrain in order to earn enough just to support himself if you were to split for example? This alone is a bit of a red flag for me.

I think you should see a relationship counsellor. Your marriage seems ok it is just you are in the deep trenches of having small children/working. Those ages are hard. When ours were that age (we had 3 close together), we both had high pressure jobs and we really didn't do much more than work and rearing children. We tried to include exercise but nothing that took us too long out of the house. It is only for a few years - we both went back to sports/volunteering/whatever once they were all in school.

I think he needs to have more consideration of how hard you need to work. Big jobs with big salaries mostly come with the expectation that you will work whenever necessary and are high pressure. I presume he doesn't object to the standard of living your work gives your family - and will give your family in the future.

At the same time, while I would laugh in his face if Dh told me I didn't "inspire" him, if what he is saying is that at least one or two evenings a week maybe you could both sit and eat dinner together, play a game of cards or chat or get a babysitter and go out, and occasionally have sex that isn't just a quickie - well that is fairly reasonable. If he wants you to spend 1 or 2 nights a week dressing in sexy underwear, lighting candles, giving each other a massage followed by sex - not sure I'd be able for that every week at the stage you are at in your lives.

@Venturini weve been together since university. When we both started earning we were at a similar level but mine has skyrocketed while his has grown slowly (not his fault, just different careers).

I think I was wrong to say that he couldn’t support himself - he could, but would really struggle to eg rent or buy somewhere big enough to house both him and the kids. His salary is probably around the national average but we live in London so for a single person that doesn’t go far at all.

I think probably it is the intimacy/connection that he is missing and he’s using the sex as a sort of proxy for that.

Not seeing many responses suggesting that your husband has a leg to stand on, frankly!