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Original poster

The ick - power on through?

78 replies

Summary4 · 15/10/2023 02:30

I have been single for a while and was introduced to a friend of a friend who has similar music tastes to me, on paper we should be compatible; he has all the things I like: the right build, same politics, nice shoulders, etc. But... he gives me the ick. It's not a gift of fear / gut reaction thing, he doesn't make me feel wary or scared. He is lovely. I just don't fancy him; in fact I actively do not fancy him! I had been seeing someone very casually before this with whom I developed limerant feelings for but he was emotionally unavailable and a bit of a bastard, so I had to end it for my own mental health. I still think about him all the time though.

I am just wondering if anyone's worked through the ick with someone and eventually got past it and been happily every after?

I'm so sick of being single, I am lonely and sad a lot of the time because I miss the companionship of being in a couple. I have main custody of 2 youngish DC so limited in terms of taking up a hobby and meeting new partners this way. Tried Tinder / Bumble etc. but it's very slim pickings round here, have only met a few people and not clicked with any. All of my friends are in long-term relationships or married and everyone's wracking their brains trying to match with me someone but nobody knows any single men apart from this one guy.
Any advice appreciated. Thanks!

OP posts:
oohsharon · 15/10/2023 02:35

Trust your instincts. He's not right for you

MariaLuna · 15/10/2023 02:42

I agree.

He gives you the ICK!

Listen to your intuition.

Life is better on your own than being in a relationship that does not gives you joy.

atthebottomofthehill · 15/10/2023 02:47

Sounds like your brain is wired up to fancy unsuitable men, and reject nice guys? I agree you can't fabricate sexual chemistry but you could give it a bit of time. Sometimes these things can come out of nowhere once you have an emotional connection (people that fall in love with their best friend etc). Try not to focus on it and to just get to know him. You can decided later if it's really not there.

Sunshineboo · 15/10/2023 02:48

are you over the other person? personally when i have been limerent over someone i have rejected all others. and some of them i have regretted in the cold light of day, and wish i had given it a go alongside major distraction about the other not right person iyswim

possibly not fair on the new person but if you end up together and happy will be better for both of you

Beautiful3 · 15/10/2023 04:33

I went out with a nice man who I didn't fancy. He grew on me and I did end up loving him. Been married now for 15 years.

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 05:39

If The thought of kissing or sleeping with him makes you feel gross then don't even try. He may be meant to be a friend not a partner.

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2023 07:36

The Ick just means you don't fancy him.

Why would you want to be with someone you don't fancy?

Bapbap45 · 15/10/2023 08:48

The ick is defined as something completely irrational and out of anyone's control. Like how he holds his fork or the way he shut a door or something banal.

If you're talking though about a lack of spark, no attraction in the first place than I do think that's different and you could try a few more dates to see if it's really that or as you are indicating, it might be where you are at with your ex.

Do you have a clear idea of what you want from a relationship and in a partner? Can you do that without basically describing your ex? Does this new guy have any of these qualities?

Zanatdy · 15/10/2023 09:08

been there and done that dating someone I didn’t fancy as he was a nice guy. Didn’t work out, would never do it again.

Knitgoodwoman · 15/10/2023 09:16

It does sound like you’re attracted to the wrong type of guy who isn’t available.

I’ve dated guys where there wasn’t an instant connection and it grew. It sounds like he’s a guy that could make you happy long term vs the limerent one.

Original poster
Summary4 · 15/10/2023 12:46

Thanks for all the replies. I do have a terrible habit of falling for men who are not interested in me or who are just total bastards. Many years ago I had a 'thing' with a guy who I did have a spark with, but then my limerent object (who was a 'friend' who'd told me very clearly we had no future) suddenly decided he was interested, so I went with the the limerent object for about a year till he dumped me the week my granny died. Always regretted dropping the first guy as he was lovely and was actually interested in me rather than the LO who obviously just liked the attention. I did have a spark though and fancied him a lot, I just liked the LO more (naturally).

With this current chap though, there is no spark. He gives me the ick for several reasons which are really trivial; he has a very loud laugh, he does a weird thing with his tongue when he's thinking, I don't like his footwear.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 15/10/2023 12:51

i think it's actually really unfair to carry on in these situations, he deserves to be with someone who fancies him. This is likely to end with him getting more attached, you not fancying him still (because that rarely changes) and him getting hurt.

Also imagine how you'd feel in his shoes, if you find out someone is 'powering through' finding you seriously unattractive, so basically deceiving you.

Original poster
Summary4 · 15/10/2023 12:51

Bapbap45 · 15/10/2023 08:48

The ick is defined as something completely irrational and out of anyone's control. Like how he holds his fork or the way he shut a door or something banal.

If you're talking though about a lack of spark, no attraction in the first place than I do think that's different and you could try a few more dates to see if it's really that or as you are indicating, it might be where you are at with your ex.

Do you have a clear idea of what you want from a relationship and in a partner? Can you do that without basically describing your ex? Does this new guy have any of these qualities?

Currently don't want anything in a partner unless they are like my ex who I am limerent for 😭 but at the same time I am so low due to being single. Went out in a group last night with this new chap and as horrible as it sounds all I could think about was how much I missed my ex, how I wished he was there, etc. Even though I would hesitate to call him my ex, he lived miles away, matched on Tinder, it was basically a few dates, lots of incredible sex, a bit of love-bombing at the start followed by him becoming increasingly uninterested and distant to the point where I was losing my mind and HAD to block him.

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 15/10/2023 12:56

No no no. I tried this, I tried for a good few months and everyone was saying he was so good for me. I felt like I was doing it to meet everyone's expectations that I would settle down and meet someone nice. Well, the ick grew and grew to the point where I didn't want him anywhere near me. He made me feel physically sick. I ended it, rather harshly. It was no fault of his and I was mean to do it but nah. Id of ended up killing him in a fit of rage over something ridiculous.

After that, I came to the conclusion, I'm happier alone. I'm very comfortable being single. Now I'm batting men off with a bloody stick, I think its the confidence that comes with being comfortable in your own skin.

Original poster
Summary4 · 15/10/2023 12:58

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 15/10/2023 12:51

i think it's actually really unfair to carry on in these situations, he deserves to be with someone who fancies him. This is likely to end with him getting more attached, you not fancying him still (because that rarely changes) and him getting hurt.

Also imagine how you'd feel in his shoes, if you find out someone is 'powering through' finding you seriously unattractive, so basically deceiving you.

This is a good point and yeah, I'd be devastated if I found someone was powering through to make themselves like me.

At the moment it's all been completely platonic and the friend who introduced us did so because we like the same music and were both going to gigs alone as well as both of us being single. He's not said he likes me or asked me out on a date, and I've not heard from our mutual friend that he likes me romantically. So for all I know he might have the ick about me too 🙃 I just felt extremely down last night being surrounded by 5 couples and then this new chap and wondered if I should move it to another level.

OP posts:
PierceMorgansChin · 15/10/2023 12:59

I'm dying to know what footwear gave you the ick OP 😂

teenysaladandsniffofarose · 15/10/2023 13:00

At this stage you should be all over him! If you don't fancy him now it won't come over time.

Original poster
Summary4 · 15/10/2023 13:04

Stressfordays · 15/10/2023 12:56

No no no. I tried this, I tried for a good few months and everyone was saying he was so good for me. I felt like I was doing it to meet everyone's expectations that I would settle down and meet someone nice. Well, the ick grew and grew to the point where I didn't want him anywhere near me. He made me feel physically sick. I ended it, rather harshly. It was no fault of his and I was mean to do it but nah. Id of ended up killing him in a fit of rage over something ridiculous.

After that, I came to the conclusion, I'm happier alone. I'm very comfortable being single. Now I'm batting men off with a bloody stick, I think its the confidence that comes with being comfortable in your own skin.

Thanks for this - everyone last night was saying this guy was lovely and because everyone else was in a couple we were sort of paired off in the seating in the pub, then the venue, and then dancing too (we weren't dancing together, but all in a big circle and I was next to him). My friends knew how heartbroken I was with the previous guy I was limerent for and also know my previous romantic history is a total dumpster fire so I think they 'just want me to be happy' and logically this would mean getting together with this guy. I do feel physically sick at the thought of even kissing him, let alone more. And I was soooo close to just messaging the limerent object guy after being strong for several weeks.

I would love to be batting men off with a stick but can't see that happening any time soon, hahaha!

OP posts:
Original poster
Summary4 · 15/10/2023 13:09

Haha! It sounds so trivial but it was that he was wearing shoes (I think they are called brouges?) with jeans. He earns v good money from his job, owns his house outright, AND he has a lodger so it's not like a situation where he can only afford one pair of shoes and these have to be smart shoes for work. I'm by no means a snazzy dresser but it really bothered me 😳

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 15/10/2023 13:13

No spark is one thing - you could carry on and see if something grows.

But being actually physically repelled by him? - Nope, throw him back

Original poster
Summary4 · 15/10/2023 13:17

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2023 07:36

The Ick just means you don't fancy him.

Why would you want to be with someone you don't fancy?

Because I am incredibly lonely and I miss having someone to I dunno, snuggle up in front of the TV with, go on holiday with, share my worries and hopes with, etc... I have a lot of very dear friends who are fabulous but it's not the same and also they are all partnered off. (Plus I am very sexually frustrated!) So am thinking if he ticks all the boxes in terms of being a nice guy whose company I enjoy, it would be worth being with him even if I don't really fancy him, because it would eliminate the loneliness. (I am aware how pathetic that sounds!!!)

OP posts:
funbags3 · 15/10/2023 13:18

If you're not over your ex, don't enter another relationship yet especially one where you don't even fancy them. That would be madness.

rantinglunatic · 15/10/2023 13:19

Summary4 · 15/10/2023 12:58

This is a good point and yeah, I'd be devastated if I found someone was powering through to make themselves like me.

At the moment it's all been completely platonic and the friend who introduced us did so because we like the same music and were both going to gigs alone as well as both of us being single. He's not said he likes me or asked me out on a date, and I've not heard from our mutual friend that he likes me romantically. So for all I know he might have the ick about me too 🙃 I just felt extremely down last night being surrounded by 5 couples and then this new chap and wondered if I should move it to another level.

Show quote history

why are you hanging out with couples when you are single? that sounds like a recipe for misery

Original poster
Summary4 · 15/10/2023 13:19

Beautiful3 · 15/10/2023 04:33

I went out with a nice man who I didn't fancy. He grew on me and I did end up loving him. Been married now for 15 years.

How long did it take to make you start fancying him, if you don't mind me asking? Was it like a very gradual thing or did it happen quite rapidly?

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 15/10/2023 13:19

In my 20s there was a man who really fancied me, same age as me, but I didn't fancy him at all. Awful glasses, wiry hair, terrible baggy suits, bad dancer, socially a bit awkward and weirdly smug. But, intelligent and amusing and 6' 3" (I love tall men).

Anyway, roll on about 15 years and one night we met at a party. He had contact lenses by then, dressed better, better haircut, and I got blind drunk and ended up sleeping with him. And, very weirdly, sexually we just clicked.

I still secretly sort of despised him, but the big plus side of this was that I didn't feel insecure as I usually did with men I was keen on, instead I was confident and happy. And he treated me well, the sex was fantastic, and I kept my ick feelings hidden (most of the time, but I'd say if he did something that really made me cringe). One of the most successful relationships I've ever had.

So, yes, you can get past the ick sometimes.