Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ick - power on through?

78 replies

Summary4 · 15/10/2023 02:30

I have been single for a while and was introduced to a friend of a friend who has similar music tastes to me, on paper we should be compatible; he has all the things I like: the right build, same politics, nice shoulders, etc. But... he gives me the ick. It's not a gift of fear / gut reaction thing, he doesn't make me feel wary or scared. He is lovely. I just don't fancy him; in fact I actively do not fancy him! I had been seeing someone very casually before this with whom I developed limerant feelings for but he was emotionally unavailable and a bit of a bastard, so I had to end it for my own mental health. I still think about him all the time though.

I am just wondering if anyone's worked through the ick with someone and eventually got past it and been happily every after?

I'm so sick of being single, I am lonely and sad a lot of the time because I miss the companionship of being in a couple. I have main custody of 2 youngish DC so limited in terms of taking up a hobby and meeting new partners this way. Tried Tinder / Bumble etc. but it's very slim pickings round here, have only met a few people and not clicked with any. All of my friends are in long-term relationships or married and everyone's wracking their brains trying to match with me someone but nobody knows any single men apart from this one guy.
Any advice appreciated. Thanks!

OP posts:
SisterWedge · 15/10/2023 13:24

I'd not pursue it OP, having similar music taste would be a flimsy reason to pair up.

Original poster
Summary4 · 15/10/2023 13:31

@theduchessofspork I do genuinely feel repelled by him, rather than feeling "neutral". It's weird as on paper I would've expected to like him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summary4 · 15/10/2023 13:34

@RogueFemale that's really interesting! I was half thinking to myself if this guy changes X, Y, Z then maybe I would like him. I think also I always end up in relationships where I am the one who likes the other person more than they like me, the idea of feeling more confident as you describe sounds really liberating.

OP posts:
harerunner · 15/10/2023 13:39

I think sometimes we react the way we do because we put pressure on ourselves... And once we start to feel an ick, it only tends to grow the longer we are in or considering a relationship with them.

Just consider him as a friend at the moment - you can't reasonably do any more given the way you're feeling. Taking the pressure off may change how you feel, or it may confirm it... but you can only move forward if you friend-zone this guy.

PierceMorgansChin · 15/10/2023 14:07

Summary4 · 15/10/2023 13:09

Haha! It sounds so trivial but it was that he was wearing shoes (I think they are called brouges?) with jeans. He earns v good money from his job, owns his house outright, AND he has a lodger so it's not like a situation where he can only afford one pair of shoes and these have to be smart shoes for work. I'm by no means a snazzy dresser but it really bothered me 😳

Omg girl no judgement, I once caught an ick with a guy wearing jeans and what I call 'shit flickers', boat shaped smart shoes turned slightly upwards at toe 😅. And he was the owner of a car dealership. 😂

Original poster
Summary4 · 15/10/2023 14:23

🤣 these are exactly the kind of shoes that he has...

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 15/10/2023 14:30

I don't think the ick is wired through the brain
It's not a logical thing , it's governed I think by primitive instincts
That have developed over millennia.
Your senses are straining for you too listen, they see something you don't consciously. Ide advise you to listen.

It's what kept humans safe in prehistoric times

PierceMorgansChin · 15/10/2023 14:43

Summary4 · 15/10/2023 14:23

🤣 these are exactly the kind of shoes that he has...

Omg stop! 😆. Mine used to wear them paired with grey thick wooly coat for that 'undertaker off duty look' 😂

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2023 17:44

“I do genuinely feel repelled by him, rather than feeling "neutral". ”

Repelled is quite a strong word OP. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and someone dated you simply because they were bored and lonely and sexually frustrated. How upset would you feel if you ever found out they were actually repelled by you?

I’m sorry but I think you’re being rather cruel and selfish.

fantasmasgoria1 · 15/10/2023 17:57

A friend I had a few years ago (we have lost touch now) has been with her partner for nearly 20 years. She worked with him. Said at first he was ok to talk to but he gave her the ick. She said she in no way fancied him but after a few months she realised that she actually did fancy him now and they got together. It can happen.

RogueFemale · 15/10/2023 19:03

I vote for giving it a go. I'm not the only one who's got past the ick (I'm also a bit like you in terms of a history of being stupidly keen on the wrong men too often). And there sound like a lot of positives - you says he's lovely, he's the right build (important for sexual compatibility) etc. The icks are very minor and tolerable if other things are right. And lots of men are clueless about clothes (the opposite can be even worse, a man who cares too much about fashion).

Also, I got past the ick twice, sort of. Second time in my late 40s. Man I'd known for about 10 years but we'd both been in a relationship (though he was a serial adulterer, I wasn't, but he'd still try it on). Then eventually we were both single. Really enjoyed his company (again, intelligent, amusing and tall, but less 'nice' than the other one, and super-confident he was irresistible to women. Women went after him after his divorce, of course, because he was loaded not for his below average facial looks, him blissfully unaware). Did not fancy him physically at all, and several ick factors including his 'casual' non-work clothes (terrible jumpers and swimming trunks). Other icks potentially too identifiable to mention on a public forum.

As with first ick-man, his saving grace was that he fancied the pants off me. It can be very attractive. I also 'fancied' him at a conversational level. The talking part was attractive.

We dallied, kit off and all, but I refused to actually fuck him because he offered no commitment, but I would've if he had. This state of play went on for several years until I ended it.

P.S. I left first ick-man when I met stupidly-keen-on man. Deeply regret it now, because of course it was doomed to disaster.

RogueFemale · 15/10/2023 19:13

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2023 17:44

“I do genuinely feel repelled by him, rather than feeling "neutral". ”

Repelled is quite a strong word OP. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and someone dated you simply because they were bored and lonely and sexually frustrated. How upset would you feel if you ever found out they were actually repelled by you?

I’m sorry but I think you’re being rather cruel and selfish.

I don't think it's cruel, OP has said lots of positive things about this man: it's just a handful of icks.

Shoe on the other foot would more accurately be a man saying he's met a woman he really likes and they're compatible on many levels, but he doesn't like her frumpy shoes and she bites her nails, which puts him off sexually.

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2023 19:22

The OP says she feels "repelled" by him but is willing to overlook that for the sake of not being single/lonely/celibate.

Repelled.

That's all kinds of fucked up.

RogueFemale · 15/10/2023 19:38

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2023 19:22

The OP says she feels "repelled" by him but is willing to overlook that for the sake of not being single/lonely/celibate.

Repelled.

That's all kinds of fucked up.

I can only say that I have also felt repelled but got over it.

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2023 20:00

Perhaps "repelled" means something different to you than to me. A bit like "sick" meaning "good" but as I understand the meaning of the word, no amount of loneliness or horniness could make me want to pursue anything at all beyond a forced passing the time of day and a desperate desire to remove myself from their company as soon as possible with someone who I felt "repelled" by.

H112 · 16/10/2023 00:28

My ex told me he was mad about me 2 weeks in and it gave me the ick for a bit. My friends said I was crazy but throughout the relationship I'd get a bad gut feeling.. it went tits up always trust your gut OP.

cassiatwenty · 16/10/2023 00:44

PierceMorgansChin · 15/10/2023 12:59

I'm dying to know what footwear gave you the ick OP 😂

I was about to say the exact same thing

cassiatwenty · 16/10/2023 00:45

Nvm I just read, those pointy shoes

cassiatwenty · 16/10/2023 00:48

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2023 19:22

The OP says she feels "repelled" by him but is willing to overlook that for the sake of not being single/lonely/celibate.

Repelled.

That's all kinds of fucked up.

It's really not fucked up, Jesus, dramatic much? We have all been lonely and then it's the easiest to make bad choices. OP is self-aware and is getting good feedback

You're not a Flying Nun are you? 😂

RogueFemale · 16/10/2023 01:01

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2023 20:00

Perhaps "repelled" means something different to you than to me. A bit like "sick" meaning "good" but as I understand the meaning of the word, no amount of loneliness or horniness could make me want to pursue anything at all beyond a forced passing the time of day and a desperate desire to remove myself from their company as soon as possible with someone who I felt "repelled" by.

Well, okay, I guess I'm just not a Dating Dinosaur.

Original poster
Summary4 · 16/10/2023 21:54

RogueFemale · 15/10/2023 19:13

I don't think it's cruel, OP has said lots of positive things about this man: it's just a handful of icks.

Shoe on the other foot would more accurately be a man saying he's met a woman he really likes and they're compatible on many levels, but he doesn't like her frumpy shoes and she bites her nails, which puts him off sexually.

Show quote history

I don't think I'm being cruel, it's not like I'm going to tell him I find him repellent! I'm posting on an anonymous internet forum. And I don't find him repellent on every level; I think he is nice. I just find the idea of sleeping / being intimate with him repellent. Same as I would any number of men I see walking down the road / in the school playground during school run / down the pub etc. Or indeed the idea of sleeping with one of my close friends. It just gives me the ick!

OP posts:
Lineofbestfit · 16/10/2023 22:07

Don’t overthink it and maybe give it a go, so to speak?

Opentooffers · 16/10/2023 23:34

You could drag it out as long as you need in a platonic friend way. I'd love to meet someone with similar music taste to me, but then I get the ick from people who have different music and especially political taste. That is a basic requirement before anything else.

Original poster
Summary4 · 17/10/2023 00:03

Actually @Opentooffers that's another thing that bothers me, he's not political at all and I am 🤷‍♀️ his lack of interesr doesn't give me the ick, I just don't especially like it... but normally if someone's similar to me politically, and knows what he's talking abiut rather than just pontificating, it gives me the fanny gallops.

OP posts:
spookehtooth · 17/10/2023 00:16

I don't think there is a right answer for this, not without an ick that is objectively a bad sign. I read dating articles and stuff a fair bit, I'm a bit of a nerd like that, and in other ways too. One I read suggested that "a spark" early on isn't necessarily important or desirable, as it can often be based on something like lust that doesn't necessarily last

It can be worth giving it time for people to grow on you. Especially if you don't know them at all at the start, maybe you've just not seen traits or had experiences that are desirable to you? We're all very complicated, we don't know which parts of us are appealing to the person in front of us. It'd be too intense to start trying to express everything about us randomly very fast.

An idea I've heard from a few of women i dated, is that they have a limit in the number of dates they'll go on, and if they're still not sure by that point then they give up. I think theirs varied from something like 3 to 6 or 7, I'm not sure exactly what the highest number was. I've never consciously tried to describe it, but I think my approach is similar Maybe an approach like that?

Swipe left for the next trending thread