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Relationships

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Original poster

The ick - power on through?

78 replies

Summary4 · 15/10/2023 02:30

I have been single for a while and was introduced to a friend of a friend who has similar music tastes to me, on paper we should be compatible; he has all the things I like: the right build, same politics, nice shoulders, etc. But... he gives me the ick. It's not a gift of fear / gut reaction thing, he doesn't make me feel wary or scared. He is lovely. I just don't fancy him; in fact I actively do not fancy him! I had been seeing someone very casually before this with whom I developed limerant feelings for but he was emotionally unavailable and a bit of a bastard, so I had to end it for my own mental health. I still think about him all the time though.

I am just wondering if anyone's worked through the ick with someone and eventually got past it and been happily every after?

I'm so sick of being single, I am lonely and sad a lot of the time because I miss the companionship of being in a couple. I have main custody of 2 youngish DC so limited in terms of taking up a hobby and meeting new partners this way. Tried Tinder / Bumble etc. but it's very slim pickings round here, have only met a few people and not clicked with any. All of my friends are in long-term relationships or married and everyone's wracking their brains trying to match with me someone but nobody knows any single men apart from this one guy.
Any advice appreciated. Thanks!

OP posts:

Theonlywayisup1 · 17/10/2023 07:41

Sunshineboo · 15/10/2023 02:48

are you over the other person? personally when i have been limerent over someone i have rejected all others. and some of them i have regretted in the cold light of day, and wish i had given it a go alongside major distraction about the other not right person iyswim

possibly not fair on the new person but if you end up together and happy will be better for both of you

This. I struggled with my partner in the beginning as I was still getting over my previous relationship. There were times I had the ick and was going to end it. Now though I am head over heels for him and rarely think of my past relationship. Sometimes more time is needed

JFDIYOLO · 17/10/2023 08:33

He's just a friend. Someone you get along with but not of interest. Keep him, and keep him in the friend zone.

If politics are your thing maybe some political groups would be a better setting to meet someone with the fire you like?

defaultresponsibleadult · 17/10/2023 13:36

I am of the same thinking as @JFDIYOLO. I had the low level ick. Mr Ick was nice enough, so I said I wasn't looking to go further in the relationship but really wanted to grow a friendship. I was expecting a wounded male pride backlash but he said he was up for it.

This got me out of the rebound destined, sad lonely funk I was in and we ended up having a lot of adventures/great nights out. We did gigs, plays, cinema loads of time out and frankly it took me away from dwelling on my ex. (this was all done on a clear platonic footing & each paid for their own)

I met my OH on one of the nights out where Mr Ick was a wing man. Mr Ick met and dated my best friend for a while (He ended up marrying my BF sister, after a tonne of drama and its still awkward to this day :D )

gannett · 17/10/2023 14:01

RogueFemale · 15/10/2023 13:19

In my 20s there was a man who really fancied me, same age as me, but I didn't fancy him at all. Awful glasses, wiry hair, terrible baggy suits, bad dancer, socially a bit awkward and weirdly smug. But, intelligent and amusing and 6' 3" (I love tall men).

Anyway, roll on about 15 years and one night we met at a party. He had contact lenses by then, dressed better, better haircut, and I got blind drunk and ended up sleeping with him. And, very weirdly, sexually we just clicked.

I still secretly sort of despised him, but the big plus side of this was that I didn't feel insecure as I usually did with men I was keen on, instead I was confident and happy. And he treated me well, the sex was fantastic, and I kept my ick feelings hidden (most of the time, but I'd say if he did something that really made me cringe). One of the most successful relationships I've ever had.

So, yes, you can get past the ick sometimes.

I would venture that successful relationships shouldn't involve one party still sort of secretly despising the other?

You can have sexual chemistry with people you don't find attractive, weirdly, but it's not a great idea to turn those into relationships.

gannett · 17/10/2023 14:05

As for the OP - way too much overthinking. Stop using the term "ick", it makes you sound 13. You just don't fancy him. It's not that deep. I know tons of people who share my music taste but who I don't fancy. Many of them are friends.

You say he ticks all those boxes but the most important box is that you are actually attracted to him. You are not. That should be the end of it no matter how single or lonely or sexually frustrated you are. Trying to create something out of nothing is ultimately disrespectful of both him and yourself. Don't fool him into thinking you actually fancy him and don't consign yourself to a relationship with someone you're repelled by.

Mistymist · 17/10/2023 14:44

I tried it and it was awful. The longer I stayed in the relationship, the more resentful I became. In the end I had to put an end to it because I couldn't stand the sight of him. I know it wasn't his fault and I was unfair to try despite having a gut feeling it wouldn't work out.

Original poster

Summary4 · 17/10/2023 16:19

spookehtooth · 17/10/2023 00:16

I don't think there is a right answer for this, not without an ick that is objectively a bad sign. I read dating articles and stuff a fair bit, I'm a bit of a nerd like that, and in other ways too. One I read suggested that "a spark" early on isn't necessarily important or desirable, as it can often be based on something like lust that doesn't necessarily last

It can be worth giving it time for people to grow on you. Especially if you don't know them at all at the start, maybe you've just not seen traits or had experiences that are desirable to you? We're all very complicated, we don't know which parts of us are appealing to the person in front of us. It'd be too intense to start trying to express everything about us randomly very fast.

An idea I've heard from a few of women i dated, is that they have a limit in the number of dates they'll go on, and if they're still not sure by that point then they give up. I think theirs varied from something like 3 to 6 or 7, I'm not sure exactly what the highest number was. I've never consciously tried to describe it, but I think my approach is similar Maybe an approach like that?

Edited

I do like the idea of going on 3 dates or whatever and then calling it either way but we aren't really going on dates per se, we were introduced as people who have similar things in common but we have just done a few gigs - they don't really feel like dates; we are paying our own way etc. My partnered-off friends and the person who introduced us are very keen for us to hit it off but in fairness he's not had a talk with me about making it romantic nor has he tried to hold my hand or kiss me or anything. For all I know, I might have given him the ick too but he hasn't said 🙃 to be honest that would be the best-case scenario.

OP posts:

Original poster

Summary4 · 17/10/2023 16:20

Mistymist · 17/10/2023 14:44

Thanks for this. I would hate to end up secretly resenting him as he does seem to be a genuinely nice person.

OP posts:

Original poster

Summary4 · 17/10/2023 16:22

Theonlywayisup1 · 17/10/2023 07:41

Show quote history

Maybe I just need to get over my limerent object before looking for a relationship. I hate how much I am still thinking about him 😔 I have gone cold turkey as per the advice but I can't get him out of my head. I miss him even though he is pretty awful.

OP posts:

andymary · 17/10/2023 16:35

Summary4 · 17/10/2023 16:22

Show quote history

You should 100% try to get over, or at least move on from this 'limerent object'. It is not fair on anyone else that you try to meet up with or date if you can't even give them the attention they deserve because of your gloating over this ex.

You will always be comparing any new person to your 'limerent object' and not be able to give them the chance they deserve, and that in itself is an ick against you.

Original poster

Summary4 · 17/10/2023 17:12

andymary · 17/10/2023 16:35

You will always be comparing any new person to your 'limerent object' and not be able to give them the chance they deserve, and that in itself is an ick against you.

Show quote history

Fair. We will continue as friends, I think. It is always nice to make a new friend 🙂

OP posts:

Celibacyinthesticks · 17/10/2023 17:48

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2023 20:00

Perhaps "repelled" means something different to you than to me. A bit like "sick" meaning "good" but as I understand the meaning of the word, no amount of loneliness or horniness could make me want to pursue anything at all beyond a forced passing the time of day and a desperate desire to remove myself from their company as soon as possible with someone who I felt "repelled" by.

Agree, repulsion is how I feel when I see pictures of Jimmy Savile, certainly not a feeling I would consider overriding because I felt a bit lonely, I would want to run away from a person who repelled me and would also want to shower and scrub myself with neat bleach!

Beautiful3 · 18/10/2023 08:33

Beautiful3 · 15/10/2023 04:33

"I went out with a nice man who I didn't fancy. He grew on me and I did end up loving him. Been married now for 15 years."

"How long did it take to make you start fancying him, if you don't mind me asking? Was it like a very gradual thing or did it happen quite rapidly?"

Hi sorry I didn't see your question until now. It took around 3 months.

vegetableplotter · 18/10/2023 12:21

I agree with the give it a try approach.

I've had the ick a couple of times and got over it. While we were getting to know each other it put me off a bit sometimes but he had such an engaging personality and I enjoyed his company so much I was able to put the ick to one side. Then once we became intimate it vanished and I saw him in an entirely different light😊

DressingRoom · 18/10/2023 12:31

I don't think you have 'the ick' -- you've just met someone perfectly nice you don't fancy at all. If you were in a longterm committed relationship with someone, and had a sudden moment of revulsion at their laugh or footwear, then obviously worth powering on through/figuring out the reason for, because you love them, but why would you even consider ignoring your own strong revulsion towards someone you haven't even gone on a date with, and who has shown no sexual interest in you? You shouldn't be trying to argue yourself into a relationship with someone you aren't attracted to, no matter how lonely you are.

MrLbz · 18/10/2023 13:14

Agree with previous poster, stop using 'ick' it makes you sound 13.

Also please leave this poor man alone, he isn't your plaything just because you are lonely.

TrishM80 · 18/10/2023 13:31

Why do I get the feeling that if Mr Ick had no feelings towards the OP and treated her like shit, she'd be all over him?!

RogueFemale · 19/10/2023 02:54

MrLbz · 18/10/2023 13:14

Agree with previous poster, stop using 'ick' it makes you sound 13.

Also please leave this poor man alone, he isn't your plaything just because you are lonely.

Ick is fine at any age.

And this is not a 'poor man'. Just a man who is apparently successful in his life that the OP has happened to meet.

Original poster

Summary4 · 19/10/2023 04:02

@RogueFemale thanks - he certainly isn't a poor man nor am I treating him badly! We were introduced because I told our mutual friend I was lonely and tired of being single; and he is single too. But we have had a perfectly nice time being gig buddies and have developed a completely platonic friendship which we are both happy with! I don't think it's fair or appropriate to tell me to leave him alone as PP has done, he doesn't want me to leave him alone, he clearly has enjoyed being friends with me as much as I have enjoyed being friends with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Summary4 · 19/10/2023 04:05

And I think that 'the ick' isn't teenage speak; it's a useful relatively new addition to my vocabulary meaning that something (or things) about a person are such a massive turn-off that you then feel repelled at the idea of being intimate with them. NOT repelled like you would be by Jimmy Savile I hasten to add! Just really makes you not find them sexually attracted to them at all.

OP posts:

antichristsuperstar · 19/10/2023 20:02

@Summary4 the ick means its over.

Original poster

Summary4 · 19/10/2023 23:14

@antichristsuperstar - sadly yeah I think you're right. Although it hadn't really even begun, which I think is a really good thing as it means the friendship doesn't need to be salvaged, it can just continue as it has been doing.

OP posts:

antichristsuperstar · 19/10/2023 23:32

@Summary4 i usually am.

Maybe its best for him, and you, that the friendship isnt salvaged. Maybe there isnt one left at all. Once things go past a certain point - you both know its too late. But it means that everyone is free to move on.
Maybe, sometimes, things are just too far gone to ever be ok ever again.

BackAgainstWall · 19/10/2023 23:49

I went out with someone I didn’t fancy at all.

BUT one night at a party (probably after a month in), I stood a distance away from him and watched him with his friends, and fell in love with him from that moment onwards.

Not saying you will, but it might be worth seeing him for a bit longer to find out one way or another.

CryptoFascist · 19/10/2023 23:57

This is all a bit presumptuous isn't it?
Maybe he only sees you as a new friend and hasn't even pondered on this at all!
Friendships can last a lot longer than relationships and things that would give you the ick in a relationship are just funny in a mate.

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