How to leave when you have nothing?

[MissMistyy]

Just that really. How on earth do I leave when I have nothing. Two DC (mine 10 & ours 2). Not married.

Rough patch for quite some time now. He doesn't communicate, is good at the silent treatment and has made it clear on several occasions that I don't mean all that much to him. If I get upset when trying to talk and work through our problems I'm met with "if I make you that unhappy you know where the door is" which hurts. When he goes silent it's always me that approaches to sort things out.

I have type 1 diabetes which has been causing problems since I had DD2. He resents that I struggle and anything he has to do to help. Overnight hypos and he gets angry because he can hear my CGM alarm sounding.

I'm seeking an ADHD diagnosis as have had certain problems since childhood. He's very organised and motivated which he thinks is the be all and end all. I'm berated for disorganisation and lack of time keeping, when I lose things or forget to finish tasks. I haven't told him about seeking a diagnosis because I get no emotional support from him in anyway.

On Sunday we had a tough day with DD2 and when she was finally in bed he stated "I'm done". He then didn't speak to me until I finally asked what was wrong with him on Tuesday night. He replied "told you on Sunday night I'm done, it's over". It's not the first time he's said this. He thinks he can say it and I'll still be here because up until now I have. I'm not a doormat though and I'm sick of being walked over. I went to my mums yesterday for a family birthday and came home tonight. He hadn't asked about plans etc but knew I'm away with mum and DDs on Friday to an event. When I came home he asked quite harshly "what are you doing home, thought you were away for the week". While at my mums he messaged her to check we had got there but couldn't ask me.

I've had enough. The problem is that I haven't worked since DD2 was born. A combination of no local childcare and health issues. He has holiday accommodation that I clean. I don't get a wage instead he pays all the bills. He owns the house. He owns the car. He earns a good wage but we have separate finances. I get a small amount of maintenance for DD1 and that is spent on her school lunches, swimming lessons and fuel for taking her to her dads. I literally have nothing other than my personal items. My family live 3 hours away. I'm going back to my mums tomorrow but past that I have no idea what to do. I gave up my (rented) house, my car, everything when we moved in together because we were meant to be forever and it's just got so unbearably shit over the last couple of years.

Sorry for the long post, think I needed a rant and wanted to give as much info as possible.

Sorry to hear. That sounds awful and not a situation you can stay in. Would moving into your Mums be a temporary solution until you find work?

Not really, my grandad had a stroke recently and has moved in with her for his rehabilitation. He is away this week for intensive physio and occupational therapy at a centre for stroke rehabilitation as part of his ongoing recovery. She doesn't really have the room for three more and even if she did I'm not sure a toddler running about would be very good for him.

Ime you have the upper hand having nowt...no ties financially I mean. I borrowed off a relative for rental deposit.. I left with my possessions... Ndn drove a van.... Seek advice from your local council.. They offer up deposit/bond loan schemes for accredited landlords.. Claim benefits for now. That's what they are for imo. Claim cms
.

Could your mum put you & dd’s up ?
look after dd2 whilst you work ?

thing is you need to make a decision soon as dd1 will be in high school soon and the older they get the harder they find it

I’m not an expert by any means but if you leave with the kids could you declare yourself as homeless? And then eventually be housed? Also yes benefits while you are looking for work. I think you can make the decision to leave and find a way to make it work one way or another.

Go to your local council with both children and the belongs you can carry
Tell them you are homeless and keep waiting, it's awful but you will get somewhere temporary even if it's a b&b.
While you are waiting contact a local DV charity who will help you. Consider reporting controlling and coercive behaviour.

@Coldinscotland council is my first stop on Monday to put my name on a housing list but I imagine I will have to go private rental route. Also very apt user name 😂

@Windmill34 can't stay with my mum in the immediate future as she has caring responsibilities for my grandad for the next few months. She also works full time so wouldn't be able to help with childcare. Moving back to my home town is top of my priority list though as being with family yesterday, who I rarely see since moving here, was so uplifting.

@Marmaladedreams I'm sure I'll find a way to work things but it just seems very overwhelming just now. I used to be so confident and in control and just feel a bit lost right now. I used to be so independent and somehow over the last 5 years have morphed into someone that is completely dependent. I don't recognise myself anymore.

I'd get out of there asap. he sounds quite well off if he has holiday accomodation etc that he earns money from so put in a claim for child maintenance straight away, make a claim for Universal credit ( they won't push you too much to look for work until your youngest is 3 ). Try to stay with relatives if at all possible and get your name on social housing list.

@Jouleigh would that do any good? It would just piss him off. As I say it's been rocky for a while and in sort of half jokey discussions where I've said "well if we go you'll have all the time in the world for X, Y, Z because you'll just be a weekend dad" he's retaliated with "no I won't, you aren't taking my daughter anywhere". I'm genuinely scared he would try and stop me taking her with me. He could afford lawyers etc that I simply couldn't.

@Babyroobs he makes almost £50,000 a year from the accommodation. It's not official though. It's not a registered business, it just goes into a bank account in the name of the accommodation. So CMS would be based of his wages alone. If it makes a difference I'm a joint account holder on the accommodation account. When it was first started we were in a much better place and it was meant to be "ours" and go through registration etc and be an Airbnb type thing Instead it's now on a contract with a local business as staff accommodation.

Is the income being declared / tax being paid ? if not then I'd be very careful if you are associated with it.

@Babyroobs the pissed off part of me wants to empty the account, remove my name and just fuck off. The sensible part of me wants to simply remove my name. I've never used the card associated with the account, never added the account to my own online banking etc.
I genuinely have no idea, I'd assume so as there are invoices sent to the company renting it. As I said this was started when we were in a good place but I've taken very little to do with it all other than a weekly clean since. While he said "ours" the attitude was definitely "his". So I stepped back.

Do that - if it's your name on the account you're equally entitled to the money.

Clean it out, move back with family. Contact Refuge and declare yourself homeless at the council.

Go to Women’s Aid first, they have so much experience in helping women leave abusive relationships and will be able to link you in with various supports, help you sort out your finances etc. You don’t need to do this by yourself.

He can't keep your 2 year old, so ignore that stupid talk. However you mustn't tell him you're leaving as he could escalate and get nasty.

You've gotta be brave now... take the money from the holiday let - you clean it, its part yours and you need it for a deposit and maintenance. Go back to your home town where you and the DC can create a happy future. Whether that be staying with relatives or a temporary b and b.

But take action NOW so you can get your 10 Yr old settled for high school.

Wishing you all the best x

OP, you say your grandad has moved in with your mum and will be living there for several months. What about his own house? If that's currently sitting empty, could you ask/offer to move yourself and your DDs in there and "keep an eye on it" for him until he's ready to return home?

That could give you a breathing-space while you make longer-term plans for yourself and the children.

OP your post made me so sad, parenting a 2 year old is hard enough work when you are both rowing together but when your DP isn't it can be unutterably lonely.

Your partner from what you've said sounds controlling about money and unkind and unsupportive both about your health and to you. This is no way to live and not a good environment for either of your children either.

You've mentioned an ADHD assessment for you, which sounds positive. But do consider the possibility that the person with the real issues is him.

Please get guidance from an appropriate source such as Womens Aid on getting your ducks in a row and understanding your housing options.

Regarding what other posters have said regarding the money from holiday rentals. Firstly, if the property is his, it's part of his taxable income and if he isn't declaring it he is evading tax. Probably quite a lot of tax.

As to the money itself, it sounds like while you have equal access to it, you don't exercise that access. Honestly if he's not declaring it for tax purposes i would suggest you stay as far away from it as possible.

Good luck OP whatever you decide

Just an idea could you go bunk up at dgfs house while he is at dm's?

I left with nothing and it wasn't easy, I was on benefits for a while, but then over time, whatever "feather" you can beg, swap, earn, pick up half-price - that's for YOUR nest and your nest alone. It's a slow start but time passes and you end up better off,mentally, practically, financially. Xx

And another thing, you say "we have separate finances" - but from what you've told us that leaves you with very little, because you don't have an income of your own apart from the maintenance you receive for your DD1.

What I'm trying to approach is that this kind of economic imbalance between a couple is rarely healthy and especially if the person who earns more takes the attitude that allows them more control over the family finances.

You've said he pays all the bills but how are things like food shopping paid for? What's the conversation if DC need clothes or if you need to buy clothes?

Lots of couples keep some aspects of their finances separate, particularly if both are working. (DH and I do). But if there isn't enough sharing of finances to look after the family unit properly and allow everyone to live with dignity then that's not good.

Especially if one of you isn't working (mat leave, caring, illness whatever) there has to be support

Hey OP, your partner sounds like a dick, but he clearly wants you out. What of you told him you WANT to leave, would he give you some money, help with logistics. I might be totally wrong and he just wants to torture you. I was in your position before and my daughter was 2. I got on benefits and found part time time job, then increased my hours as she got older. I had no family to help. Its tough, but doable

OP, please contact Womens Aid for advice and support. They will be able to help you make a plan on how you can leave safely. Your partner is financially and emotionally abusive, especially if he gets angry when you are having a hypo from your diabetes. You definitely need to leave he sounds horrible.

he may actually be able to get a prohibited steps order to stop OP moving 3 hours away with their daughter, he can't stop her moving locally, the elder child is Op's only so he has no say

3 hours away is still within the same local authority so I don't think he can realistically stop me doing that.

I'm packing everything tomorrow while he's at work and going.

Tried to speak to him sensibly tonight and he's just a completely cold bastard.

Karma is a bitch and she's about to bite his arse. I'm taking the car. He can come and get it back himself when I'm away from here. I've hidden the keys, I've got passports and birth certificates. I'll be calling womens aid when he leaves for some advice. I'll then be calling HMRC and reporting him for not declaring income for tax purposes. I have tried to keep the peace for years and that made him think I'm a doormat. I'm not. I'm the bitch from hell when pissed off. Right now im very pissed off. Picked the wrong woman to mess with.

As we live in Scotland I'll also be speaking to a solicitor and making a claim against him. As we co-habit and have a child I could get a financial settlement. Nothing near the 50% you are due if married but better than nothing. All I have to do is show that my living here was financially beneficial to him but detrimental to me. Not hard as I had to give up work to look after our child while he built a business and continued to work and even got a promotion.