How to leave when you have nothing?

[MissMistyy]

Just that really. How on earth do I leave when I have nothing. Two DC (mine 10 & ours 2). Not married.

Rough patch for quite some time now. He doesn't communicate, is good at the silent treatment and has made it clear on several occasions that I don't mean all that much to him. If I get upset when trying to talk and work through our problems I'm met with "if I make you that unhappy you know where the door is" which hurts. When he goes silent it's always me that approaches to sort things out.

I have type 1 diabetes which has been causing problems since I had DD2. He resents that I struggle and anything he has to do to help. Overnight hypos and he gets angry because he can hear my CGM alarm sounding.

I'm seeking an ADHD diagnosis as have had certain problems since childhood. He's very organised and motivated which he thinks is the be all and end all. I'm berated for disorganisation and lack of time keeping, when I lose things or forget to finish tasks. I haven't told him about seeking a diagnosis because I get no emotional support from him in anyway.

On Sunday we had a tough day with DD2 and when she was finally in bed he stated "I'm done". He then didn't speak to me until I finally asked what was wrong with him on Tuesday night. He replied "told you on Sunday night I'm done, it's over". It's not the first time he's said this. He thinks he can say it and I'll still be here because up until now I have. I'm not a doormat though and I'm sick of being walked over. I went to my mums yesterday for a family birthday and came home tonight. He hadn't asked about plans etc but knew I'm away with mum and DDs on Friday to an event. When I came home he asked quite harshly "what are you doing home, thought you were away for the week". While at my mums he messaged her to check we had got there but couldn't ask me.

I've had enough. The problem is that I haven't worked since DD2 was born. A combination of no local childcare and health issues. He has holiday accommodation that I clean. I don't get a wage instead he pays all the bills. He owns the house. He owns the car. He earns a good wage but we have separate finances. I get a small amount of maintenance for DD1 and that is spent on her school lunches, swimming lessons and fuel for taking her to her dads. I literally have nothing other than my personal items. My family live 3 hours away. I'm going back to my mums tomorrow but past that I have no idea what to do. I gave up my (rented) house, my car, everything when we moved in together because we were meant to be forever and it's just got so unbearably shit over the last couple of years.

Sorry for the long post, think I needed a rant and wanted to give as much info as possible.

Oh op 💐💐💐
congratulations for taking the first step. It’s really brave of you. Don’t doubt that you’ve done the right thing for yourself and your kids.
So I’m guessing you’re staying with your mum at the moment?
She’s probably in shock and worried about you and it’s not coming out the right way. What’s your next step going to be?

Well done for leaving op. Xx
It's not unusual to have a toxic mother and end up in an abusive relationship.
You are not alone.although it probably feels like you are.

I hope you manage to get some rest tonight. Definitely present yourself as homeless asap and try and get some accommodation for you all.

Is your mum scared that because she knows she can’t help you she is lashing out?

Honestly the things you have said about this man and the way you have written I know you are strong and you can do this.

You tell the council that you were being financially abused and had no control over your life.

Go and claim benefits in tirn2us website asap

He is a vile, tight, greedy, ungrateful, miserable bastard and he has literally brought you to your knees with his moods and criticisms

You can do this

OP I'm sorry about your mum's reaction. Honestly it would be a bigger mistake to have stayed in a situation where your life was being controlled and your self esteem eroded to the extent you've described.

It doesn’t matter what your mum said you’ve absolutely done the right thing. You couldn’t stay.
I hope you get somewhere to love soon. Keep pushing and be certain you’re doing the right thing. Being with someone so toxic isn’t good for you or the children. If you can see a dr about the diabetes and getting better control.

OP I’m sorry you’re going through all this.

Re the joint account, I’m going to go against the grain on that. If there’s £50k in it then that is going to prevent you from being entitled to universal credit, because the cut-off is £16k. Absolutely don’t take the money, it’s easy enough to say take the money, but the reality is you’re not married, it’s his business and you don’t really have a steak in that money other than that your name is just on the account. Added to which, it’s still going to limit your access to help.

I would go into your bank and ask to speak to someone, explain that you’re in an abusive relationship and that you need to speak to someone about taking your name off of the account.Generally you need both parties to agree to remove an account holder, but if you explain to your bank they may be able to help.

Alternatively if you can’t have your name removed from the account check whether the account is joint or either signature, If either of you can sign then you can close the account and he will just be sent a cheque in the post your name won’t be on it, and you won’t be associated with £50k which will prevent you from accessing uC.

Well done. I'm rooting for you. I really hope it was just a shock response from your mum. It's no excuse though. Has your now ex partner been in touch?