How to leave when you have nothing?

[MissMistyy]

Just that really. How on earth do I leave when I have nothing. Two DC (mine 10 & ours 2). Not married.

Rough patch for quite some time now. He doesn't communicate, is good at the silent treatment and has made it clear on several occasions that I don't mean all that much to him. If I get upset when trying to talk and work through our problems I'm met with "if I make you that unhappy you know where the door is" which hurts. When he goes silent it's always me that approaches to sort things out.

I have type 1 diabetes which has been causing problems since I had DD2. He resents that I struggle and anything he has to do to help. Overnight hypos and he gets angry because he can hear my CGM alarm sounding.

I'm seeking an ADHD diagnosis as have had certain problems since childhood. He's very organised and motivated which he thinks is the be all and end all. I'm berated for disorganisation and lack of time keeping, when I lose things or forget to finish tasks. I haven't told him about seeking a diagnosis because I get no emotional support from him in anyway.

On Sunday we had a tough day with DD2 and when she was finally in bed he stated "I'm done". He then didn't speak to me until I finally asked what was wrong with him on Tuesday night. He replied "told you on Sunday night I'm done, it's over". It's not the first time he's said this. He thinks he can say it and I'll still be here because up until now I have. I'm not a doormat though and I'm sick of being walked over. I went to my mums yesterday for a family birthday and came home tonight. He hadn't asked about plans etc but knew I'm away with mum and DDs on Friday to an event. When I came home he asked quite harshly "what are you doing home, thought you were away for the week". While at my mums he messaged her to check we had got there but couldn't ask me.

I've had enough. The problem is that I haven't worked since DD2 was born. A combination of no local childcare and health issues. He has holiday accommodation that I clean. I don't get a wage instead he pays all the bills. He owns the house. He owns the car. He earns a good wage but we have separate finances. I get a small amount of maintenance for DD1 and that is spent on her school lunches, swimming lessons and fuel for taking her to her dads. I literally have nothing other than my personal items. My family live 3 hours away. I'm going back to my mums tomorrow but past that I have no idea what to do. I gave up my (rented) house, my car, everything when we moved in together because we were meant to be forever and it's just got so unbearably shit over the last couple of years.

Sorry for the long post, think I needed a rant and wanted to give as much info as possible.

Really glad you’ve made this decision, you deserve to feel happy and secure in life.
I’d be taking a hefty withdrawal from the joint account to help get yourself set up again, or at least tide yourself over with.
I wouldn’t actually drain it but would take half. Your call though.
If you’ve got nothing then you have nothing to lose. Get yourself back in the family fold and spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself.
Make sure between now and tomorrow that you keep your behaviour the same as normal, you don’t want him getting wind that you’re stronger than he originally though.
Wishing you the very best of luck 💐 a better life is waiting for you and your dc OP, it won’t all be plain sailing but ultimately you and those lovely little dc will be so much happier. You can do this!

He thinks I'll always stay because he knows I have nothing and thinks I'm too scared to say fuck this and just walk out.

I can't fit everything in the car and I don't have anywhere to store it so that's stumping me at the moment. Any ideas welcome.

He's abusing you,please get to you local council and police tomorrow hun.ive been in your situation before.
Please don't be scared as long as you honest you'll have support.
Don't lie for the bastard

Can you take some belongings to your family to store for you? Failing that use some of the money to pay for storage?

@MissMistyy great to hear from you. Stay strong and stay careful but it sounds like you have a sensible head n your shoulders.

There are quite a few threads about relationships just now - actually there are always plenty of these threads, the flavour is just slightly variable.

Over the last few days there have been quite a few involving men who work hard/pay the bills but....

In a society where roles are 'traditional' in the sense of man earns money/owns property, woman often doesn't work outside the home, what does a "good husband" look like? (For info, I grew up in one, I'm a bit older than I think you are and in another part of the British Isles). It's along these lines:

• Mutual agreement on day to day finances ie you tell me what's needed for the housekeeping, I as the wage earner hand that over
• Mutual respect

That's kind of it.

Could any of your family drive down and help you load up belongings?
at the end of the day as long as you get the kids, important documents (small folder that could be shoved in a handbag), special/treasured teddies or precious toys and enough clothes for a few days you’ll be okay. Not ideal when you surely have a houseful of clothes/toys etc for all of them but for now just get yours out.

Re tax on the income from the let. The op isn't working. So she's got the whole of her personal allowance for the year to use. I'd take at least half from the account.

My mum was undergoing chemo when we left dad. They owned a ran a business together so she knew he would hide money.
She scrabbled together to get the deposit on a rental. We had possessions, no means of income, no car but it was so much better not living on eggshells.
It must have been terrifying for my mum but with the help of friends and family, we got through it.
You will too. You deserve better than him.

I would need to request a new pin for the account as I said, I've never used it and never planned to so it wasn't something I bothered to commit to memory. I would have requested a new one if I was going to bide my time. I'm not. I'm literally going to fill black bags with clothes, toys etc , jam them into the car and go.

His mum died when he was a teenager and when we had our daughter I had a painting done showing his mum holding our daughter. The petty bitch in me is tempted to burn it. Fuck him.

@somewherbetweenHoneyandTrunchbull
That's what I'm hoping. My mum left my dad (alcoholic) quick sharp like that. I guess you just reach a point and think I'd rather be on my own with nothing but peace of mind that stuck to a piece of shit with everything. I'm now at that point. I hope you and your mum had a lovely life after leaving.

We had a loving and happy home. Not rich and has led to me having hoarding tendencies in case we need something at a later date but happy and content with our lot.

@somewherbetweenHoneyandTrunchbull
Very similar situation here. My mum worked like a dog for every single thing we had. It's paid off for her now and if I can be half as successful as her at going it alone I'll be happy.
I don't throw anything away just in case either. Buy extra when it's on special offer too. These traits may well come in handy going forward.

I understand what you're thinking but OP doesn't have an ownership interest in the property, so for tax purposes it's not her income.

The fact that she does have access to the money because it's a joint account just complicates matters.

Is there any other way you can access that account? On line banking, in person at the bank?

Good luck today, OP. Get yourself and DCs away but don’t do spiteful things like destroying that picture or reporting him to the tax authorities. Those things will come back on you in unhelpful ways and anyway it’s enough that you’re leaving.

Good luck today OP hope you can manage to get away easily, I know that you will feel a huge sense of relief once you are away.

Good luck OP, take care of yourself.

Good luck OP. Hope you are long gone now xx

I'm almost packed. Haven't done anything spiteful, cut up the card for the business account and left it on the table. I don't want his money. He can then never say that I only have something because of him. Everything I have will be my own.

Found a wage increase letter when sorting paperwork so took a photo so I know his full salary for CMS.

Realised that between his business and his wage he takes in over £120,000 a year but we never go anywhere or do anything. Mortgage free as he owns the house outright as it was his mother and fathers house. He moans about how much is spent on shopping yet he does all the shopping. I get a text asking what we need and I give him a short list with usual essentials such as chicken, potatoes, milk. Yet he comes in with bags of shopping (most of which is treats and rubbish, expensive smoothies and individual cartons of juice for youngest DD). I never know what to say when he has this gripe because he makes it sound like it's my fault but I never ask for these things. It's his lack of shopping skills that cause over spending and his lack of foresight to give me a "housekeeping" budget that would allow me to shop (a lot cheaper) and plan out to eliminate waste.

His SIL popped in earlier, she is lovely and has been really supportive over the last couple of years. She thinks he's a shortsighted arse. She thinks he's acting like this because he thinks I'll always stay as I've let this behaviour slide. He knows he has the upper hand so he's never had to change the things he does because there has never been a consequence for being a dickhead. She left her DH (partners brother) years ago when their kids were young as he was behaving in a similar fashion. She packed up and went home. He spent months working on his issues and eventually she agreed to try again. They have been married for 32 years. I don't see that happening here because I don't think he will ever change or see his actions as a problem. And even if he did change towards me it's not enough. He would have to become a completely different person to DD1, ultimately if she is happier away from him then that's good enough in my book. DD2 is young enough to not really remember any of this and will thrive with a happy mum and sister.

Thank you all for your helpful comments and support. Sometimes you really do need a hand hold to get you through the tough decisions. It really is easier to ask strangers sometimes.

Sounds like my x. He had a good salary and I lived like a pauper. Money from my parents for things he was too mean to buy for children.
Good luck. Bon courage. Xx

Best wishes to you OP. You've got this. Xxx

@WeeStyleIcon he's never been tight and is actually very generous to the kids, he just moans about how much is being spent like it's me spending it but takes no accountability for his own spending. Ie all the spending. I don't use his bank card. Bills are obviously something that HAVE to be paid. Everything outside of that is his choice to spend. I don't ask for clothes, jewellery, perfume or anything like that. The last clothes I got were some leggings and a top from asda when we went shopping and that's because my leggings were literally falling to bits. Came to less than what he spends on a t-shirt. I was a single mum and can live on next to nothing. He spends a lot and makes out like it's me despite me not having the ability to spend a penny of his money. "We spend so much money" is often said. Yet "we" don't spend anything. He is in control of finances and considering how much money he makes in a year I don't think he gets to complain. I don't spend his money, my kids don't go about in designer gear unless it's birthday where he bought them both a Nike jacket (birthdays are close together). Neither child nor I asked for these, he saw, he liked, he bought.
I try to keep bills down by turning off lights and not putting the heating on all the time. Don't give massive shopping lists, only what we actually need. I'm not really sure how else I can cut costs for him. But somehow it's always "we spend so much money".
He bought a bloody ninja smoker thing and a brand new BBQ at a few hundred quid each...... neither have been used.
Hates his job and wants to leave but doesn't think we would survive financially but doesn't seem to see that it is him that spends a lot not me. I'm sure he resents me because he blames me. To him if it wasn't for me and the kids he could leave his job but truly does not see that a lot of the spending is done by him for him.

I've been thinking about you OP. I hope you got away and are safe with your family x

Private rents. Are you in a position to borrow money for a deposit? Would your mum be able to be guarantor? When I left my grandad was my guarantor and we paid 3 months upfront. I was lucky that I had this option.

Got away, safe with family might be a stretch.
My mum walked in and is straight away telling me all the mistakes I have made. What all my problems are and "no wonder he got fed up living with you".

I'm upstairs crying at the moment. Life really is just a big pile of shite and I have absolutely no support.