Pub vs me. Think I have lost and need to uncouple.

[Urgsleepmoresleep]

I need a bit of perspective. Lived with my boyfriend in his house for 6 months in a small village. Was dating for a year before I moved in. We have no kids and mid 40s. I have actually sold my house and bought a new build house which will be ready in 5 months. The plan is for him to move to my house which is on the outskirts of a large city And rent his out

I know no one up here. Most of my friends are in the city 40 mins away but have families and partners they spend weekends with. My bf has no friends in the village only pub friends. The village is like a cult, if you are not from there they don’t really like you. It’s an odd vibe. I am lonely and miserable. I am not too sure my bf realises this or is ignoring it.

before I moved in we would spend Saturdays and Sundays together doing things, mostly in my city with my friends. We laughed and got on great and he was really affectionate. He always went to the pub on a Friday. Now I have moved in, he is in the pub 5 days a week, including all weekend and I never get invited. I have asked to come and there is always lots of excuses why I can’t go in. It is a very rough pub and the sort of place who doesn’t like strangers and doesn’t stock wine, but trying to make an effort to get to know people.

anyway we have had arguments about him going to the pub so much. He goes and loses track of time and comes home drunk or misses dinner. I get left in the house and get woken by him coming in. The next day any plans we had get changed or cancelled as he is hungover. But he can always muster up energy to go to the pub again. He calls me controlling and moody. Says we can’t be on top of each other and go out with my friends.

I say he goes too much and we never have quality time anymore. His excuse is we live together and he wants to unwind at the weekend. I have offered to move out, but he says he doesn’t want that. Previously it was always us in his language but now it’s just I. but he can’t understand that I am lonely and it’s making me miserable to be around. Interestingly he left home at an early age as his parents were always at the pub and he had to babysit. Also found out his last 2 long term relationships ended as his partners had affairs. I suspect as he was out in the pub so much.

so what do I do? I can only conclude that he is either an alcoholic or wants out of the house away from me as he doesn’t want to be round me. I can understand as I am miserable and no fun anymore. The situation is making me very introverted and I retreat into myself to heal and likely put a wall around myself to minimise any hurt. We came back from holiday yesterday and he went to the pub that night and is there again tonight. So am avoiding him and slept in the spare room last night and probably tonight. He is asking why and looks upset. And my excuse is I have a horrible cold. I am in a vulnerable position so not ready to chat to him.

what do I do as its difficult rent with a pet. I have tried and rent is too expensive or competitive and I miss out due to the short term contract I need. I am trying to go through the motions but I can’t stop crying. I am so lonely and I am supposed to be in a committed and loving relationship. But I feel rejected and unwanted. I am not too sure it’s me or he loves the pub.

any advice is needed

You sound so unhappy and I honestly can't see him changing or making you happy either
I hope others have better advice, but I can't see how it can work when he spends so much time out of the house. It's not fair on you.
I'd seriously be looking again at the relationship as it sounds as if he'll never compromise.

You’ve been given a sneak peek into your future. Take your pet and move to your lovely new house when it’s ready.

Do you do the cooking / cleaning / bulk of the domestic load? I’d guess yes and that’s why he doesn’t want to change the status quo

It’s almost as if you need to call time on the relationship and switch to being a rent-paying lodger, sleeping in the spare room, cooking for yourself and not providing sex until your new home is ready to move into. There’s absolutely no way I’d be moving him to the new house. It doesn’t sound like he values the relationship (such as it is) anywhere near as much as you do. Is there anyone else in your friendship group who has a spare room that you could move in with for a few months? The village and your bloke sound like a miserable set up.

It sounds awful.

He’s given you a heads up on what the relationship looks like when you live together and his mask slips. Lucky escape!

Move into your new house alone and live a happy life.

When a relationship makes you this unhappy, and your partner refuses to see it so won’t change, it’s definitely time to leave.

Could you perhaps stay with friends or family for the next few months? Become a lodger in the city you were in? Not ideal not to have your own space of course, but 5 months will fly by and it’s got to be better than feeling like this.

I’m so sorry OP. Wishing you well.

Stop putting yourself down. His behaviour is not a reflection of you in any way. He’s clearly an alcoholic. At least you are seeing the real him so early on in the relationship.
Start planning your escape.

Unfortunately the relationship is over. His only real relationship is with the people in the pub.
5 months isn’t that long and then you’ll be free. Would it be possible to find a room in a shared house in the meantime?

What are you getting out of this relationship?.

He is overtly fond of the pub and his pub friends (he has no village friends)are also all heavy drinkers. Three red flags right there. And his parents were at the pub all the time too, yet another red flag. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. He is likely to be an alcoholic. Of course he does not want you to go, he likes having you around to basically cook and clean for him and provide sex whilst he goes to the pub!.

Is it indeed possible for you to stay with family and or friends until your new build house is completed?. What animal do you have as a pet?. Can it possibly be rehomed temporarily with an animal charity until you are more settled?.

Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by past poor real life experience, are being further got at by this man now. I would also suggest you read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

That was my dad. Salt of the earth type fella, and was out five nights a week. He's been dead 17 years and I can still tell you that he stayed in Mondays, had the pub quiz league on Tuesdays, on Wednesdays he went out "for last orders" around 9pm, Thursdays he stayed in, Fridays he went to where he grew up to see his school friends, Saturday was a big sesh, and he'd go out on Sundays for "last orders". He wasn't an alcoholic and gave up booze every Lent, but that local pub near us had such a pull on him.

Even if we went out for a meal as a family when we were kids, we always had to be back for him to nip to the pub. He and my mum ended up living completely separate lives, with separate pastimes and separate friends. You deserve better. Either stay with friends or bide your time until your house is ready, but get out of the relationship.

OP, I really feel for you. It isn't your fault - he is obviously drowning his sorrows every evening, and that's to do with his own internal issues, not how he feels about you. But nevertheless it betrays a disregard for your feelings and wellbeing on his part that's hard to ignore. He is unlikely to change. And as you're finding out, it can be even lonelier to be with the wrong person than to actually be alone.
Don't move in with this man would be my advice. He probably won't change unless he has had a long bout of therapy and soul-searching, and you definitely shouldn't waste your time hoping he will.

@Urgsleepmoresleep what you describe isn’t a relationship. I’m not sure there’s much to really think about here other than your living arrangements. There’s no relationship to consider, he’s in the pub all week and has no time for you. Not to mention the likelihood he is an alcoholic. You have only been together a year and a half, you have no ties, honestly, just get out now. Can you not stay with family / friends until your house is ready?

He's shown you who he is and done you a favour. 5 months is about 20 weeks. I'd keep up pretences until then and then bog off to my lovely new home without him x

Leave him. I have been in this situation and still am. It is not conducive for a happy marriage. I can honestly say that I would have been happier alone.

thanks. It’s really hard to find a place to rent. I have tried and I won’t board my pet.

unfortunately no friends have room, maybe for a few days, but not months. No family close by.

I am lonier here than when I lived alone. Not too sure what changed as he started this as soon as moved in. As I was upset we argued, because he needed to compromise on his space as he was used to doing his own thing.

this pub had a pull. We once left an event and his friends to go home as he was tired, I was up for going out. he wanted to nip to his pub and leave me to go home. I went mental and was told I was controlling. Basically he dragged me home so he could go to the pub.

What about a long term air b and b until your house is ready? We stayed in a holiday let for three months in between moves.

Ahh OP I'm sorry you're in this situation. He's dependent on alcohol and you are way down in his list of priorities. It's very hurtful. I've been there.
All I can say is, reset your expectations for the next few months, and plan to move in to your new house alone, well with your pet anyway.
You won't be missing him, you'll be missing the dream or the hopes you had. The sooner you start grieving, the sooner you will recover.

Can you afford a few months rent up front or a much higher deposit?

I was waiting for my new build for a while and moved into a place where they originally stated I couldn't have pets but when I directly spoke to landlord they were fine with it. Letting agency wasnt happy but produced some sort of pet waiver in the end.

Get out of this horrible mess of a relationship. You deserve so much better. He's got himself a cook/cleaner in you and he clearly doesn't care about you. Very VERY odd he won't even let u in the pub.

Whatever you do, DONT move this man in with you.

It sounds like practically it may be best to just wait it out, if you can tolerate it. It can be very different living in such intolerable situations if you know that there's a definite end date and soon.
It may sound cynical but perhaps laying low and just planning your future life in the new house with your pet is the way to go.
Please don't try to make it work with this man- when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He values the pub more than the relationship and that is clearly very fucked up. Luckily, you have no lasting ties to him and a new life just round the corner. You really deserve better OP. So many of us know the misery of an alcoholic partner and how much time and energy can be wasted. Take care

Thanks. Will look into a long term air b&b. I am convinced it’s me he is trying to get away from. Previously he was so loving and considerate. His actions always matched his words. He says he hates the pub on a Saturday so why go? I am fun, but not in this village. I even suggested we go and watch the boxing in a pub. He said no too tired and on too late. But he is in the pub now.

How much is he drinking and how much does it cost?! If he’s drinking 5 nights a week I’m guessing it’s in excess of 30 units a week..
throw this one back in, move into your lovely new house ❤️

He is not moving in with me. I am now trying to grieve so it’s an easy split when I leave. If I could move out tomorrow I would. I think I will lay low. I am saving over £1.5k a month here as o pay no bills just buy food. I must think about new floors and sofas.

it’s just the perfect end to a horrible year.

I’m nit sure he is trying to get away from you as such.

But what you see now is his ‘normal’ life p. The one where he goes to the pub after work. The one where his life is at the pub. And unfortunately, you don’t fit that life.

IF (and thats a very huge IF!!) he was to move in with you, I suspect the same pattern would happen again. How he was when you were dating was a nice parenthesis to his usual life.

As a guess, he hasn’t has a LT relationship fir a while?

2 questions:

1. What pet do you have - could it be fostered for the next few months to give you some options?
2. What would happen if you just went to the pub after him, waltzed in and ordered a drink at the bar?

I’m glad you are ending your relationship with him. But just to warn you, no new build ever has been ready on time . So don’t bank on it being only 5 months.