Pub vs me. Think I have lost and need to uncouple.

[Urgsleepmoresleep]

I need a bit of perspective. Lived with my boyfriend in his house for 6 months in a small village. Was dating for a year before I moved in. We have no kids and mid 40s. I have actually sold my house and bought a new build house which will be ready in 5 months. The plan is for him to move to my house which is on the outskirts of a large city And rent his out

I know no one up here. Most of my friends are in the city 40 mins away but have families and partners they spend weekends with. My bf has no friends in the village only pub friends. The village is like a cult, if you are not from there they don’t really like you. It’s an odd vibe. I am lonely and miserable. I am not too sure my bf realises this or is ignoring it.

before I moved in we would spend Saturdays and Sundays together doing things, mostly in my city with my friends. We laughed and got on great and he was really affectionate. He always went to the pub on a Friday. Now I have moved in, he is in the pub 5 days a week, including all weekend and I never get invited. I have asked to come and there is always lots of excuses why I can’t go in. It is a very rough pub and the sort of place who doesn’t like strangers and doesn’t stock wine, but trying to make an effort to get to know people.

anyway we have had arguments about him going to the pub so much. He goes and loses track of time and comes home drunk or misses dinner. I get left in the house and get woken by him coming in. The next day any plans we had get changed or cancelled as he is hungover. But he can always muster up energy to go to the pub again. He calls me controlling and moody. Says we can’t be on top of each other and go out with my friends.

I say he goes too much and we never have quality time anymore. His excuse is we live together and he wants to unwind at the weekend. I have offered to move out, but he says he doesn’t want that. Previously it was always us in his language but now it’s just I. but he can’t understand that I am lonely and it’s making me miserable to be around. Interestingly he left home at an early age as his parents were always at the pub and he had to babysit. Also found out his last 2 long term relationships ended as his partners had affairs. I suspect as he was out in the pub so much.

so what do I do? I can only conclude that he is either an alcoholic or wants out of the house away from me as he doesn’t want to be round me. I can understand as I am miserable and no fun anymore. The situation is making me very introverted and I retreat into myself to heal and likely put a wall around myself to minimise any hurt. We came back from holiday yesterday and he went to the pub that night and is there again tonight. So am avoiding him and slept in the spare room last night and probably tonight. He is asking why and looks upset. And my excuse is I have a horrible cold. I am in a vulnerable position so not ready to chat to him.

what do I do as its difficult rent with a pet. I have tried and rent is too expensive or competitive and I miss out due to the short term contract I need. I am trying to go through the motions but I can’t stop crying. I am so lonely and I am supposed to be in a committed and loving relationship. But I feel rejected and unwanted. I am not too sure it’s me or he loves the pub.

any advice is needed

Thanks all. Looked and long term air b@b are about £1k. I thought cheaper. Will still look at renting.

I think we have run our course and he is not heartless to end it. Last night he came in at 4am saying he watched the boxing. The boxing I wanted to watch. He said he didn’t realise I had wanted to watch it. Ignored my messages asking if he was coming home.

this morning he was after sex and I was not as loaded with the cold. Has went and got me some cold stuff and has now played his computer in silence for hours.

think we know how this is ending. It’s such a shame as he got on great the first year. I have just turned so boring in this village

Would you really have had sex with him if you hadn't had a cold? You're planning to leave him - why would you have sex with him?

He sounds like a complete bore.

What kind of guy wants to sit in the same shitty pub all night FIVE times week?? No doubt overhearing the pub racist sound off about the same bloody thing over and over, or listening to the same crap jokes told by the same bunch of boiled potatoes every single night, only to wake up with the same headache the next morning??

You are so lucky to have realised you want more than this dross life now, when you have a beautiful new home of your own lined up, a solid resource that likely ensures you'll never have to rely on any man. There's a real freedom in that.

Could you sublet in your old city for five months while you wait for your house? There are often Facebook groups for cities where people advertise for short-term lets, usually people travelling for work or study who need to cover their rent while away. All ages house share these days, so you might meet some interesting people and either way, the fact there's an end date makes most situations more bearable. You might not even need much of a deposit, and it's not uncommon to have a pet or two in house shares. Some people welcome a temporary furry resident, I know I have before.

Or you could grit your teeth and stay put for now, but that sounds like far less fun to me. Either way, soon there'll be no more sitting on the sofa in a lonely village, waiting for your boiled potato to notice you...You have your real life to get back to!