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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pub vs me. Think I have lost and need to uncouple.

53 replies

Urgsleepmoresleep · 14/10/2023 19:48

I need a bit of perspective. Lived with my boyfriend in his house for 6 months in a small village. Was dating for a year before I moved in. We have no kids and mid 40s. I have actually sold my house and bought a new build house which will be ready in 5 months. The plan is for him to move to my house which is on the outskirts of a large city And rent his out

I know no one up here. Most of my friends are in the city 40 mins away but have families and partners they spend weekends with. My bf has no friends in the village only pub friends. The village is like a cult, if you are not from there they don’t really like you. It’s an odd vibe. I am lonely and miserable. I am not too sure my bf realises this or is ignoring it.

before I moved in we would spend Saturdays and Sundays together doing things, mostly in my city with my friends. We laughed and got on great and he was really affectionate. He always went to the pub on a Friday. Now I have moved in, he is in the pub 5 days a week, including all weekend and I never get invited. I have asked to come and there is always lots of excuses why I can’t go in. It is a very rough pub and the sort of place who doesn’t like strangers and doesn’t stock wine, but trying to make an effort to get to know people.

anyway we have had arguments about him going to the pub so much. He goes and loses track of time and comes home drunk or misses dinner. I get left in the house and get woken by him coming in. The next day any plans we had get changed or cancelled as he is hungover. But he can always muster up energy to go to the pub again. He calls me controlling and moody. Says we can’t be on top of each other and go out with my friends.

I say he goes too much and we never have quality time anymore. His excuse is we live together and he wants to unwind at the weekend. I have offered to move out, but he says he doesn’t want that. Previously it was always us in his language but now it’s just I. but he can’t understand that I am lonely and it’s making me miserable to be around. Interestingly he left home at an early age as his parents were always at the pub and he had to babysit. Also found out his last 2 long term relationships ended as his partners had affairs. I suspect as he was out in the pub so much.

so what do I do? I can only conclude that he is either an alcoholic or wants out of the house away from me as he doesn’t want to be round me. I can understand as I am miserable and no fun anymore. The situation is making me very introverted and I retreat into myself to heal and likely put a wall around myself to minimise any hurt. We came back from holiday yesterday and he went to the pub that night and is there again tonight. So am avoiding him and slept in the spare room last night and probably tonight. He is asking why and looks upset. And my excuse is I have a horrible cold. I am in a vulnerable position so not ready to chat to him.

what do I do as its difficult rent with a pet. I have tried and rent is too expensive or competitive and I miss out due to the short term contract I need. I am trying to go through the motions but I can’t stop crying. I am so lonely and I am supposed to be in a committed and loving relationship. But I feel rejected and unwanted. I am not too sure it’s me or he loves the pub.

any advice is needed

OP posts:
Original poster
Urgsleepmoresleep · 14/10/2023 22:03

@TheOccupier i have an old cat. Not too keen on her being fostered. Ironically she is living her best life here 😂.

I think he would be shocked, but he would be ok. It’s the fa t I ask and get lots of excuses as to why I can’t go

OP posts:
BackAgainstWall · 14/10/2023 23:25

I could have written this word for word.

Whatever you do, do not stay with him and think he’ll see the light and change, because he won’t. This IS him.

He is a functioning alcoholic and the pub will always be first on his list.

You are a pub-widow and it’s a very lonely and desperately sad place to be.

Save your money, bide your time and it will soon be time to move into your lovely new home where you will have piece of mind again💐

BackAgainstWall · 14/10/2023 23:26

*peace!

AgentJohnson · 15/10/2023 05:12

You know you don’t his permission to go to this pub don’t you? I don’t know why he doesn’t want you there but it’s not his call.

He was always this guy, he just did a good job of hiding it in the beginning.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/10/2023 05:20

But why would she want to go to the pub? It sounds fucking horrible. You have two choices. Either you spend that 1.5 K on renting somewhere or you save it and stay with him, and just grit your teeth for a few months.

Summerslimtime · 15/10/2023 05:37

I think you've been incredibly lucky to have this insight. Your future and actual life is going to be just fine, don't worry! As you say, just try to detach now and live alongside him. It should be easy if he's out every night. Don't enter into any discussions with him, just plod along. Who knows, maybe a temporary place will turn up soon.

PositanoBay · 15/10/2023 05:58

Urgsleepmoresleep · 14/10/2023 21:14

He is not moving in with me. I am now trying to grieve so it’s an easy split when I leave. If I could move out tomorrow I would. I think I will lay low. I am saving over £1.5k a month here as o pay no bills just buy food. I must think about new floors and sofas.

it’s just the perfect end to a horrible year.

You poor thing it sounds fucking horrible. At least you can make your escape easy enough when he's gone to the pub. Take your pet and run like the wind xx

mathanxiety · 15/10/2023 07:15

He's an alcoholic or at least well on his way to alcoholism.

There's nothing you can do about that.

How soon will your new house be ready?
Can you hang in there until you can just pack up and leave, move into your own house, and tell him it's over?

Or is there a friend you could move in with?
Someone looking for a lodger who doesn't mind a pet?
Even a caravan for rent?

Beefcurtains79 · 15/10/2023 07:23

Could there be another woman he fancies/has bunk ups with, at this pub he is so keen to keep you away from?

crystalize · 15/10/2023 07:38

6 months will fly by so start to switch off your emotions from him. Disengage and stay in the spare room. Start going out by yourself, meeting friends, keep yourself busy and stay focused on the end goal.

gelatogina · 15/10/2023 07:41

I know it’s hard but please try and look at this time as a gift…you’ve been shown who he really is before you made a longer term commitment.

Take your pet and move into your house and leave this loser to his village and his pub and his alcohol. He will not change and you will never be a priority.

Redglitter · 15/10/2023 07:46

So am avoiding him and slept in the spare room last night and probably tonight. He is asking why and looks upset. And my excuse is I have a horrible cold

I'd be telling him why I was in the spare room and not making an excuse because I'd be sleeping in there permanently now.

Hes done you a favour showing you his true, unpleasant selfish side before you invest anymore in the relationship

EtiennePalmiere · 15/10/2023 08:32

Beefcurtains79 · 15/10/2023 07:23

Could there be another woman he fancies/has bunk ups with, at this pub he is so keen to keep you away from?

I was wondering too. Although it doesn't matter now, well done and you really dodged a bullet.

Zanatdy · 15/10/2023 08:36

What about renting via Air BnB for a few months? Any family members you could live with temporarily?

LadyLolaRuben · 15/10/2023 08:51

You've done nothing wrong OP. Nothing caused the change in him, he's always been like this. Now you've moved in the mask has dropped and you've seen the real him. I've been in this position but luckily kept my own house so went straight back. I also realised during the dating phase he wasn't dating me and taking me out. He was dating alcohol.

If I were you, once all set up in new home, I would pop into the pub all bright and breezy to surprise him. Get a drink and royally piss him off just for being there. Take a sip of the drink and dump him there and then, block him on everything never to be seen or heard of again.

pizzaHeart · 15/10/2023 08:58

If you tell him that you don’t want him moving with you how will he react? Are you sure he will just calmly agree to your new “lodger” status?
I don’t want to scare you but you are on her own with him in a very unfriendly place. So I would tread carefully.
By the way writing this gave me another thought: Are you sure that locals are so unfriendly? Maybe they don’t like your BF and this affects their attitude towards you or he’s told them some stories about you (that maybe one of thx reasons gf doesn’t want you to go to the pub)

Viviennemary · 15/10/2023 09:01

Complete and absolute waste of time. Either stick it out till your house is ready then end the relationship. Or leave now and rent somewhere. No way is this going to be a happy long term relationship.

catrescuelady · 15/10/2023 09:06

He's not a school teacher is he ?

BackAgainstWall · 15/10/2023 09:24

His friends don’t like you because they see you as a very real threat.

They do not want you interfering/taking him away from their very close-knit drinking club.

They are all of the same mind. I know this 100% because like you, I once lived it.

You to them are an enemy and always will be.

I’m so pleased you’ve got a plan, because this existence will pull your self worth down and down, and it’s utterly miserable.

Oldthyme · 15/10/2023 10:24

Myhusbandearns150k · 14/10/2023 19:52

You’ve been given a sneak peek into your future. Take your pet and move to your lovely new house when it’s ready.

This is exactly what I was going to say.
There is no future with this prat of a “man”.

Grif your teeth, stay in the spare room. Make yourself comfortable in there, tv, (install an aerial point) books, all your stuff. Decouple as much as you can.

He’s not going to change so you might as well withdraw to the spare room just like he withdraws to the pub.

Move out asap that your new house is ready. Draw up the draw bridge at your new house and get yourself out and about in your new location.

This too shall pass.

forrestgreen · 15/10/2023 14:49

I think you've realised it's run its course.
Be grateful it's now and not after you're financially entwined.

If you can't leave. Just suck it up, and plan for the future. Plan weekends where you stay over in the city with a friend.

He won't like it and act like the living boyfriend again but please don't be sucked back in again.

bombastix · 15/10/2023 14:54

Make some plans to rent out the new house when it us ready, return to your old friends and rent there. Sell the new house when you can.

We all make mistakes and this man wanted a housekeeper and your house I think. Go back to your old life. It sounds far better

Bonbon21 · 15/10/2023 15:00

Get a grip!
You can live without new floors and sofas.
Your mental health and self esteem are worth more than that.
Long term airbnb over the winter till your house is ready.
Live on beans, sit on orange boxes.
Leave now, while you still have some pride.
And raise your standards when it comes to men.

828Pax · 15/10/2023 15:17

OP, I was in a relationship like this. It was horrible, I felt so lonely and couldn't understand why my ex would rather go to the pub every single night rather than spend even just one evening with me. I remember feeling sooo lucky once when he stayed in for one night and agreed to watch a film with me..pathetic really and he only stayed in that night as he was so hungover from the previous night! The last straw was when he came back at 4am one night, having ignored all my calls,
leaving me to worry that he was dead in a ditch somewhere! He proceeded to then loudly play music until 6am and something in me just clicked and I knew I had to leave for my own sanity. I totally sympathise with how you feel. A long term air b&b is a good suggestion. I hope that you are able to find somewhere xx

Original poster
Urgsleepmoresleep · 15/10/2023 15:38

@Bonbon21 you are a bit harsh telling me to raise my standards. I was catfushed into this relationship and now stuck

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