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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner going out

73 replies

Itsboundtohappen · 14/10/2023 05:23

I want to start by saying that I do not have a problem with my partner going out and drinking with his friends. He doesn’t have a problem with me going out and drinking with my friends. We will drink together at times, or drink apart with our own friends.

I’m not brave enough to post in AIBU but here goes!

My partner has always been someone that enjoys going out, socialising and he gets home rather late, when the clubs shut. Think 3-4am on average. Absolutely not a problem and to be expected.

Recently, however, there have been 3 occasions where he has gone out quite early on a Saturday (perhaps 12-1pm) and hasn’t come home until 7 in the morning. He typically tells me that he has been at a friends house and knowing my partner as well as I do, he’s never been the type to come home early from a night out. He openly admits that sometimes he’s just having such a good time that he doesn’t want the night to end. I don’t believe he’s cheating.

My biggest problem with the above though is that I don’t hear from him, at all. I don’t expect multiple texts but perhaps just 1, to check in and let me know that he’s going back to a friends house.

Once again I am sat here and he has done the exact same thing tonight. He last text me at around 3pm yesterday. I have no idea where he is or if he’s ok and it’s currently almost 5:30am. The clubs where we are shut an hour ago.

My other main annoyance with the above is that, if this were the other way around, he would be so incredibly worried. It would be so out of character for me to come home at 7am that I know he would be utterly petrified that something had happened. Yet when he does it, and I remind him of that, he apologises and does it all over again. it’s obviously not a mistake when you keep doing it!

I just wanted to vent but also wanted to know if this would bother anyone else?

OP posts:

burntoutnurse · 14/10/2023 05:25

Do you have kids with this man? If not. Run,

Mummy08m · 14/10/2023 05:28

How is he your "partner"? Not being facetious just a genuine question. It sounds like a casual relationship from his pov.

Original poster

Itsboundtohappen · 14/10/2023 05:30

No kids. We have been together for a long time though.

I will add that 95% of the time we have a great relationship but the double standards just bothers me. It bothers me that it would annoy him if I done it yet he does it.

Sometimes he seems to think I am overreacting and it made me question if I truly was

OP posts:

Dj2020 · 14/10/2023 05:49

No this is not great is it I'd be livid. And now he will just be a hungover mess all day surely? Who wants that. I'd give him a taste of his own medicine tonight and honestly would consider if this was a relationship to stay in.

HowAmYa · 14/10/2023 05:52

Is it just going out that he has double standards with or other stuff too?

I wouldn't be with someone like that personally, it's a totally different life from what I want so it's not overreacting, it's more that you both have different outlooks and opinions on what going out and drinking looks like for you.

Idontbelievethis23 · 14/10/2023 05:56

You are definitely not overreacting. Even my eighteen year old understands that if you live in the same house/have someone who cares about you, it is respectful to let people know you are safe when out. Surely he must understand you worry because you care, to leave you doing that when it is so easy to let you know all is fine is very hurtful.

2jacqi · 14/10/2023 05:58

wow! You must be incredibly trusting! I could not put up with 24hour + absences! are all his friends in steady co habiting or married relationships??

Original poster

Itsboundtohappen · 14/10/2023 05:59

@HowAmYa he doesn’t usually have double standards like that, no. I am trying to remain very unbiased as I appreciate you are hearing one side of the story. But my op is the best and most accurate version of events. As I say, 95% of the time he’s great.
I do agree we probably want different things out of drinking - I’m ok with that. I’ve always been someone that comes home earlier and that’s fine. If we are in a group setting I would never expect him to leave and come home early with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsboundtohappen · 14/10/2023 06:00

@2jacqi not all, no. It’s now 6am and I last heard from him at 3pm Friday afternoon.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 14/10/2023 06:02

I think you are being way too passive about this. He has no respect for you at all. How old are you both anyway? Most people grow out of nightclubs until 3am at some point.

Original poster

Itsboundtohappen · 14/10/2023 06:07

@Aprilx early 30s. I too enjoy going to nightclubs so that element doesn’t bother me.

OP posts:

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 06:15

It will be coke Op

how old are you and do you want children with him?

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 06:16

Early thirties

ok do you want a family with him?

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 06:17

What kind of a job does he have? The comedown from these weekends must make the first part of the week awful for you

how can you live like this op?

newbie202020 · 14/10/2023 06:18

He'll be taking drugs (coke or pills) & too intoxicated to message you

whattodoforthebest2 · 14/10/2023 06:18

If all that’s bothering you is his lack of contact then I’d suggest doing the same as he does. Spend the night at a friends without telling him where you’re going and then point out that his concern for your well-being is no different to yours for him. One or two instances of that would surely change his behaviour.

Edited to add if he is doing drugs then you’ll know it’s not going to be a successful relationship in the long term.

Original poster

Itsboundtohappen · 14/10/2023 06:21

I have accused him of drugs before but for as long as I’ve known him (over 15 years! Very young!) he’s always been very anti drugs. I’ve always said that I wouldn’t end our relationship if he does them albeit I would find it skanky and I wouldn’t want them in my home. So I don’t see why he could or would lie about drugs. That may be an unpopular opinion but I just want you to see that I am relatively chilled out in terms of being a partner (and possibly stupid too!)

I would like children but I don’t think he’s the right person anymore. I would want us to parent 50/50 and doing this would be my worry.

OP posts:

autiebooklover · 14/10/2023 06:26

If he doesn't care enough to let you know he's ok when he knows you are worried he's not going to stop if you have kids. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 06:33

Op you don’t have time on your side of your early thirties

15 years!!

come on. Self respect please and move on. What a life.

Summerslimtime · 14/10/2023 06:35

I think you've outgrown him and there's no guarantee it would change if you had dc. To me he is acting like a single man in his 20s.

My dh always liked drinking with his mates and I'd get the text he was on his way home, then 3 hours later still not back, so up all night worrying. Then one night I was out and didn't get in til 6.30am. Well, he couldn't say a word and knew it. He hasn't done it since then. Plus our whole lives have changed anyway.

Ultimately its just a boring and stressful existence. We were both really sociable people but going forward in life there has to be more than alcohol and binge drinking.

MarryingMrDarcy · 14/10/2023 06:36

OP you’re being really too passive. This obviously bothers you; you need to start showing him how much it bothers you. Find time when he has sobered up to sit and talk; make sure he knows how his behaviour makes you feel.

It is not complex relationship management. It is simple basic courtesy for him to drop you a text saying ‘on a mad one! Staying at (insert friend)’s house x’ when he chooses to do this. The fact he doesn’t do that suggests he is either getting so f*ed up he can’t operate his phone (terrifying) or he literally doesn’t give a shit about you or your concern for him (arsehole). Either option is cause to question the relationship imo.

Hygeelady · 14/10/2023 06:43

I think there's more to it...drugs, 1 night stands or something else. This isn't normal in your thirties. He need to grow up, is this how you see you life in the next 5 years? Sitting alone all weekend because your partner is clubbing with teenagers!

itshappened · 14/10/2023 06:43

As another person said... he is doing coke round the kitchen table! No one in their thirties stays out until 7am just drinking booze.

Aprilx · 14/10/2023 06:45

Itsboundtohappen · 14/10/2023 06:21

I would like children but I don’t think he’s the right person anymore. I would want us to parent 50/50 and doing this would be my worry.

Edited

You are trying too hard to be chilled out. You don’t have a problem with him going out, you think it is to be expected that he stays out until 3 or 4 am, you wouldn’t have an issue with drugs.

OfcourseitsaNC · 14/10/2023 06:47

XP was the last monkey in the box. Often went back to a mates and got home 5am-6am. Stimulant of choice: Alcohol

Current squeeze loves clubs and Trance. Last months after party finished at 9am. Stimulant of choice: Coke/pills

Both men would text with me untill I told them I was going to sleep. Both men would text occasionally through the night, so I'd always wake up to messages.

I never asked them to message. They just did.

It's not the stimulant that's the problem here, it's his lack of respect for you.

If your relationship is 95% great otherwise, then have a very open chat about this. Tell him how is making you feel. Tell him that his lack of respect in this area is making you question your feelings towards him, and your future with him, as you've spoken about this before and things still haven't changed.

Only you know if it's time to end things. But surely it's worth giving him a final chance to get this one right before binning him off, if 95% is great.

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