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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner going out

73 replies

Itsboundtohappen · 14/10/2023 05:23

I want to start by saying that I do not have a problem with my partner going out and drinking with his friends. He doesn’t have a problem with me going out and drinking with my friends. We will drink together at times, or drink apart with our own friends.

I’m not brave enough to post in AIBU but here goes!

My partner has always been someone that enjoys going out, socialising and he gets home rather late, when the clubs shut. Think 3-4am on average. Absolutely not a problem and to be expected.

Recently, however, there have been 3 occasions where he has gone out quite early on a Saturday (perhaps 12-1pm) and hasn’t come home until 7 in the morning. He typically tells me that he has been at a friends house and knowing my partner as well as I do, he’s never been the type to come home early from a night out. He openly admits that sometimes he’s just having such a good time that he doesn’t want the night to end. I don’t believe he’s cheating.

My biggest problem with the above though is that I don’t hear from him, at all. I don’t expect multiple texts but perhaps just 1, to check in and let me know that he’s going back to a friends house.

Once again I am sat here and he has done the exact same thing tonight. He last text me at around 3pm yesterday. I have no idea where he is or if he’s ok and it’s currently almost 5:30am. The clubs where we are shut an hour ago.

My other main annoyance with the above is that, if this were the other way around, he would be so incredibly worried. It would be so out of character for me to come home at 7am that I know he would be utterly petrified that something had happened. Yet when he does it, and I remind him of that, he apologises and does it all over again. it’s obviously not a mistake when you keep doing it!

I just wanted to vent but also wanted to know if this would bother anyone else?

OP posts:

redribbonrose · 14/10/2023 11:21

He is taking you for a mug. Cheating right before your eyes

Totally disrespectful

Jk987 · 14/10/2023 11:23

You're early 30's and you want children but you say yourself not with him. What's his view re: children? Regardless of the late night outs, if he's not the one long term, you probably should get out of the relationship.

redribbonrose · 14/10/2023 11:24

So when he comes back, does he spend all day in bed?

What a great weekend for you 🙄

strawberry2017 · 15/10/2023 19:48

So when did he get home?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 15/10/2023 19:55

Any update since? When did he get home and what was his excuse. You ok?

Cosycover · 15/10/2023 20:42

How has he been today then?
He on a wee come down?

I'd be asking how much money he's been spending on coke. It ain't cheap!

Floppyelf · 15/10/2023 23:12

OfcourseitsaNC · 14/10/2023 06:47

XP was the last monkey in the box. Often went back to a mates and got home 5am-6am. Stimulant of choice: Alcohol

Current squeeze loves clubs and Trance. Last months after party finished at 9am. Stimulant of choice: Coke/pills

Both men would text with me untill I told them I was going to sleep. Both men would text occasionally through the night, so I'd always wake up to messages.

I never asked them to message. They just did.

It's not the stimulant that's the problem here, it's his lack of respect for you.

If your relationship is 95% great otherwise, then have a very open chat about this. Tell him how is making you feel. Tell him that his lack of respect in this area is making you question your feelings towards him, and your future with him, as you've spoken about this before and things still haven't changed.

Only you know if it's time to end things. But surely it's worth giving him a final chance to get this one right before binning him off, if 95% is great.

Edited

jeez, if your standards are so low I hope
neither of you conceive any children.

H112 · 16/10/2023 00:26

Early 30s clubbing most weekends ?? So unattractive you can do way better

ConnieTucker · 16/10/2023 00:29

kokotheguerilla · 14/10/2023 07:25

If you want kids OP, and have recognised that he’s not the right person to do this with, you need to rip the plaster off ASAP. Get out there and find someone nice who will be a present and responsible father. Good luck.

This. You dont have time to waste like this.

user12345678912334 · 16/10/2023 00:40

As the wife of someone who didn't bother to come home when she was 8 months pregnant (Christmas with 1 year old). I would say you should leave him. See my other comments on another. Leave him now.

IHateLegDay · 16/10/2023 00:57

I hope he came home to his bags packed.

hellohelp · 16/10/2023 01:25

I just could not imagine this being my life

Me and DP used to get on it till the early hours. But we both stoped at the same time and got sober as well. Neither of us have any desire to ever go back to that but if he did I just couldn't be with him. Vice vera with him. We live the same lives now I'm 29 and he's 35, we are well past that. That's immature shit I was doing in my early twenties. You two seem to be on entirely different paths. Not compatible

It's good that you know you are not going to be too upset to move on and can see the future without him dragging on

Imagine the refreshing weekends you'd get back

OfcourseitsaNC · 16/10/2023 07:05

Floppyelf · 15/10/2023 23:12

jeez, if your standards are so low I hope
neither of you conceive any children.

Show quote history

Jeez, if your experience of life is so low, then I hope you get to live some soon.

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 07:53

To be fair @OfcourseitsaNC going by your other threads - your current partner sounds a bit… gross

Londonscallingme · 16/10/2023 07:56

I wouldn’t tolerate the double standard but equally I wouldn’t get hung up about not hearing from him when he was out if it’s occasional and pre the responsibility of having to look after kids.

OfcourseitsaNC · 16/10/2023 08:22

Takes all sorts to make the world go round @Barrowgirl . He's great for me for now.

Obviously not your cup of tea though. Whoever is your cup of tea, I wouldn't be rude enough to call them gross. I'm not that person. You clearly are.

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 08:33

maybe have a look over your posting history on this FWB (whipping out his phone to film you having sex? 53 years old and likely to have a One night stand when he goes on holiday? Yep, gross)

MorningHood · 16/10/2023 08:46

I think you’ve established that his going out behaviour is unacceptable.

However, I’m questioning the 95% all good / rest of the time. Is it really? Or are you being just as passive in the rest of the relationship and thus, it just rumbles along? Does he put 100% effort into your relationship and future planning otherwise? Is he 50% in on housework? Does he save for your future? Make plans to spend time together or just leave things up to you?

What is his relationships like with family? Are they big drinkers?

Hexeex · 16/10/2023 09:03

This is the reason why my parents split up when I was a baby. Once I was born, my mum's life changed and my dad's didn't. He continued to go out all night drinking and consistently chose the pub over coming home. As I grew up, i hardly ever spent any time with him because he still just wanted to go out drinking at the weekend instead of spend any time with me. It's made me very hateful of alcohol and I can't stand men who are so obsessed with it because they will never change or grow out of it. I wouldn't have kids with him if I were you because it's doubtful that he will suddenly stop this and going out will always come first.

Bookworm20 · 16/10/2023 11:15

Yet when he does it, and I remind him of that, he apologises and does it all over again. it’s obviously not a mistake when you keep doing it!

He apologies to shut you up. Then promptly does it again, so what he is actually doing is showing you that he doesn't care ab out your opinion or concerns and he will do what he wants anyway.
I'd be listening to his actions, not his 'apologies'.

Last time he just didn’t think he had done anything wrong. Not at all. It took a lot of discussion for him to figure it out and I don’t know if I have it in me.

Of course he knew he'd done something wrong! You'd already told him how you felt about it all. The fact it took 'a lot of discussion' for him to apparently figure it out is very telling. He already knew. He just wanted you to feel like you were being unreasonable. Pretending he has done nothing wrong, so he can carry on doing it. It does not take alot of discussion for him to understand 'If i did that, you'd be worrying? Well I worry about you, you need to let me know whats happening'.
By him repeatedly doing something that he knows worries you, he is basically saying he has zero respect for you. And does not give a shit.

I'd listen to what his actions are saying. Not what comes out of his mouth.

And I also think the reason he goes silent and doesn't let you know is because he is doing something you wouldn't like and does not want to put himself in a position of potentially having to tell you something before he goes off and does it anyway.

Bookworm20 · 16/10/2023 11:24

And you say otherwise its 95% good.
Is that because the other 95% of the time he gets to do what he wants anyway and none of that is questioned by you?
Or when you question or show concern over other things does he listen and take it on board/make changes or compromise?

Either way, if he listens and takes other things on board straight away, then with this he just doesn't care or sees your point as valid. Totally dismissive of your feelings and concerns.
If its the fact there are no other concerns you have raised, maybe find something to challenge and see how he plays that one out. Because if you do end up having dc together, you need to know if he really is an out for himself, do whatever he wants sort of person over everything or whether you'd actually be listened to and considered.

OfcourseitsaNC · 17/10/2023 07:43

What's gross to you @Barrowgirl isn't gross to everyone.

The fact you think having a one night stand aged 53 makes a person gross and that you have been through my posting history in order to quote it on this completely irrelevant thread tells me everything I need to about you and the type of person you are.

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 08:27

The idea of a partner whipping out his phone and recording me giving him a bj without actually asking (you’d said previously that something you’d consider in the future)

in my mind - that is gross

🤷‍♀️ different standards and all that

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