Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner going out

73 replies

Itsboundtohappen · 14/10/2023 05:23

I want to start by saying that I do not have a problem with my partner going out and drinking with his friends. He doesn’t have a problem with me going out and drinking with my friends. We will drink together at times, or drink apart with our own friends.

I’m not brave enough to post in AIBU but here goes!

My partner has always been someone that enjoys going out, socialising and he gets home rather late, when the clubs shut. Think 3-4am on average. Absolutely not a problem and to be expected.

Recently, however, there have been 3 occasions where he has gone out quite early on a Saturday (perhaps 12-1pm) and hasn’t come home until 7 in the morning. He typically tells me that he has been at a friends house and knowing my partner as well as I do, he’s never been the type to come home early from a night out. He openly admits that sometimes he’s just having such a good time that he doesn’t want the night to end. I don’t believe he’s cheating.

My biggest problem with the above though is that I don’t hear from him, at all. I don’t expect multiple texts but perhaps just 1, to check in and let me know that he’s going back to a friends house.

Once again I am sat here and he has done the exact same thing tonight. He last text me at around 3pm yesterday. I have no idea where he is or if he’s ok and it’s currently almost 5:30am. The clubs where we are shut an hour ago.

My other main annoyance with the above is that, if this were the other way around, he would be so incredibly worried. It would be so out of character for me to come home at 7am that I know he would be utterly petrified that something had happened. Yet when he does it, and I remind him of that, he apologises and does it all over again. it’s obviously not a mistake when you keep doing it!

I just wanted to vent but also wanted to know if this would bother anyone else?

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 14/10/2023 06:52

I would not be happy with this and it is disrespectful towards you totally. I would say coke and he will not tell you as he knows your views on it or he is with another woman. You should stay out one night even if you just go to a friends house and he thinks you are out clubbing and see how he reacts. This is not the life you want moving forward if you do have children as he will not change overnight and he is early 30's so he should have settled down a bit. Him not contacting you at all is not right as he has been out from midday and no word from him. He is definitely not just drinking and am thinking coke. You need to sit down with him and tell him you are not putting up with this anymore as it is not right and not a life you want to be living moving forward and he sounds a bit selfish to be honest. He knows that you will say nothing so he keeps doing it. Please put yourself first and tell him it is not on and if he keeps doing it then you have your answer. Hope you are ok as must be horrible not knowing where or what he is doing and bet he spends Saturday wrecked.

Original poster
Itsboundtohappen · 14/10/2023 07:16

Thanks all for your comments. Some of them really hit home. I’m conscious that I, like many people, have perhaps remained in this relationship out of habit, without ripping the plaster off and ending it. Nothing I will be upset and miserable for a short time but will soon be happy. It’s an interesting thought and something I have considered and I will absolutely take your views on board.

Last time he just didn’t think he had done anything wrong. Not at all. It took a lot of discussion for him to figure it out and I don’t know if I have it in me. This is one of the reasons I actually asked as I was a little worried that maybe I am unreasonable.

OP posts:
MaxTalk · 14/10/2023 07:19

He's probably cheating. How old is he?

He does sound quite thick to be honest.

kokotheguerilla · 14/10/2023 07:25

If you want kids OP, and have recognised that he’s not the right person to do this with, you need to rip the plaster off ASAP. Get out there and find someone nice who will be a present and responsible father. Good luck.

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 14/10/2023 08:04

I could have written this. I worry because I watched a lot of dramatic american sit coms growing up. I expect him to be murdered each time he goes out and so expect a few texts to confirm he hasn't yet. The thing is, when you're out Time passes so quickly and you forget or you worry you will wake them so you don't. But at home, time moves slowly.

I think the main question is, how would you feel if a kid/kids are added to this situation? How often does it happen?

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 14/10/2023 08:05

itshappened · 14/10/2023 06:43

As another person said... he is doing coke round the kitchen table! No one in their thirties stays out until 7am just drinking booze.

I do.

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 14/10/2023 08:07

But I must clarify that it's rare and takes me days to recover.

strawberry2017 · 14/10/2023 08:21

It's not appropriate. He's a grown man and he needs to act like one.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:23

The thing is, when you're out Time passes so quickly and you forget or you worry you will wake them so you don't.

if you are either a teenager or a selfish and thoughtless adult - yes

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:24

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 14/10/2023 08:07

But I must clarify that it's rare and takes me days to recover.

It take you “days to recover” when your partner is thoughtless enough not to drop you a message whilst out when he knows that is important to you?

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:26

Neither of you sound happy and fulfilled in this relationship

a man in his thirties doesn’t suddenly start staying out all night if he’s happy at home

op - the relationship is dead on it knees

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 14/10/2023 08:36

@Barrowgirl no, it takes me days to recover when I stay out late with booze.

Safxxx · 14/10/2023 08:38

If 95% is good than you wouldn't be having this issue, he's taking the piss and pushing the boundaries...you seemed fine with it before but obviously not any more as your right the times are getting worse and without a text or a call he clearly is getting out of hand.
As much as you love and trust him you need to put up boundaries and stick to them, it's bothering you enough to ask here so go talk to him about it and if he doesn't put your mind to ease from then onwards then his not who he was. Don't be surprised if another woman is involved..this sounds like he crashes out with another then comes home later. Don't trust him too much

FinaleyDee · 14/10/2023 08:39

I had an ex like this - we met when he was late 30s, I stupidly thought he’d just grow up. We also stupidly had a child together - needless to say it didn’t last long.

The pub was always more important. A ‘quick drink’ would take hours, he’d say he was ‘just finishing his drink and coming home’ then turn up hours later. The phone would get turned off and/or the battery would die, but not before I had a barrage of abuse over the phone for daring to ask where he was and when he was coming back. He’d pretend he was still at work when actually he was in the pub and he’d lie about how long a job was going to take to give him time to visit the pub.

I remember one Saturday he went out late afternoon and didn’t turn up until late afternoon Sunday. We had a newborn at the time, I spent the morning contacting his friends (of course no one had seen him), ringing the police and the hospital and driving up and down the nearest dual carriageway expecting to see his dead body on the side of the road, thinking he might’ve tried to walk home that way.

His behaviour was so disrespectful, we had so many arguments about it and he never once gave me the decency of a text or phone call to say he was staying out. I ended up completely despising him. So much so that if I caught the slightest whiff of drink on him or saw the effects of it in his eyes I’d lose the plot. It turned me into a monster, I resented him so much. I rarely drank but I stopped drinking myself when we went out so as not to encourage him, and avoided social situations involving drink - even though it meant me losing my social life with him. What an idiot I was.

He now spends every spare minute at the pub and I couldn’t care less, sad twat! I couldn’t imagine putting the pub before your family.

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 14/10/2023 08:42

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:23

The thing is, when you're out Time passes so quickly and you forget or you worry you will wake them so you don't.

if you are either a teenager or a selfish and thoughtless adult - yes

That's why I don't text him when I'm out and I am neither selfish or thoughtless. We've clarified I'm not a teenager.

He does text me when he's out. Not often but he keeps me updated as the night goes on which is exactly what I like. It's taken time and a discussion to get to that but we both need different things. He doesn't need any messages when I'm out, his feelings are that I will call if something happens so he doesn't worry if no contact. I do so he keeps contact.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:50

You don’t text him whilst you’re out because you’re worried about waking him

the question is

does he want you to text him but you don’t because you’re worried about waking him?

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:50

And why on earth does it take you “days to recover” when he goes out?

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:51

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 14/10/2023 08:36

@Barrowgirl no, it takes me days to recover when I stay out late with booze.

Ah I see

well, that needs addressing

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 14/10/2023 08:56

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:50

You don’t text him whilst you’re out because you’re worried about waking him

the question is

does he want you to text him but you don’t because you’re worried about waking him?

No he doesn't care. It's me that needs the confirmation he's not dead in a ditch. He'd be more annoyed I woke him to say I was still alive when he had no concern I wasn't.

We are the definition of opposites attract.

And both of us now take days to recover from a night out. I thought this was normal in 30s??? Each decade seems to add a day to the recovery.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:03

I’m confused

So you don’t message because that is what he wants. All good.

And he messages you because that is what you prefer. All good.

So what’s the problem?

out of interest how often are you both going out and then taking days to recover from the booze?!

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 14/10/2023 09:13

Sorry! There is no problem now but there was in the past. That's why I said I could have written this post. We took the time to work through it and it can help but I think as OP has no children, she should take stock and see if it is worth carrying on. Not that you can't leave once you have kids but you know what I mean.

We go out together and separately a few times a year each. Big sessions are rare now, probably once a quarter. Smaller sessions which take a day to recover and make us a bit moody the second day but otherwise ok are monthly.

Lostinbrum · 14/10/2023 09:28

OP please dont have kids with this man. If he doesn't respect you enough to let you know he's OK or won't be home he won't respect you enough to give up this life when the stresses and struggles of having a newborn set in. Some men just never want to stop living the carefree life once kids come along and it causes massive tensions and issues. I woukdnt trust a man that did this either how do you know for sure he isn't with another woman

Brocollimatilda · 14/10/2023 09:37

Definitely coke.

Chelsea543 · 14/10/2023 10:13

I’d say coke or another woman/women. He’s living a single lifestyle and has the luxury of coming home to you as and when he can be bothered. He knows you’re always going to be there and not mind his ways.
This isn’t a man you want to be with long term and it certainly isn’t someone to have kids with. Personally I’d be out of the house when he returns and would leave a note telling him he has a few hours to pack his things and go back to where he came from.

Bobbotgegrinch · 14/10/2023 10:18

I don't think this is double standards particularly. You say you'd never be out all night, so that would be worrying if you didn't come home.

On the other hand, this is normal behaviour for him, so why worry about it?

However, you say you want kids, but not with him, so this relationship is already a bust really, time to rip off the plaster.