Is this going to escalate or can I stop it?

[FreedaCarlow]

NC’d for this. Apologies in advance if it’s long.

DH and I have been married 15 years, we have two young DC. The last few years have been tough and I’ve felt increasingly resentful about various things - him not pulling his weight around the house mostly. We both work full time, he earns more than me and I feel I do most of the house work and mental load. I feel this situation suits him fine - and he thinks I should do more because he earns more, which is maybe fair enough - but recently I’ve been more able to talk about it and he is making an effort to improve on that front.

He’s had a hard time with work and family stuff in the past couple of years and I think he’s depressed. For some time he’s had an issue with anger and I feel he expresses it excessively/ inappropriately. So sometimes swearing at me or the kids, calling names in arguments, that kind of thing, and I think over-reacting to minor triggers. He has sometimes hurt himself when he is frustrated or angry - punching or breaking things. Nothing physical with me or the kids though.

I’ve been in therapy for a couple of years and have come to see various ways in which I’ve struggled to maintain boundaries in our relationship. I’ve been trying to get better at that so have been telling him when we argue he shouldn’t call me names, copy my voice, give me silent treatment etc - and I can see he is making an effort to do that. A lot of the time we get on well but when we argue it’s horrible, and it never used to be this way. It’s all come to a head recently and he’s got angry with me about a work situation which I can’t really go into because it’s outing. He feels I’ve treated him badly and I disagree, that’s the essence of it. We’ve been arguing a lot and keep circling over the same ground. I am exhausted by it and I hate the arguing and especially the kids hearing.

Sorry this is long but I’m getting to the point. Recently in arguments DH has started to physically intimidate me in ways I find unpleasant but I think he thinks are ok. So for example - once he shoved something in my face to make me jump. It didn’t touch me though. Another time he smacked me hard on the bum - he was angry at the time and it hurt, he wasn’t joking around either. After arguments like this he understands I don’t like this behaviour but then it happens again in some other form.

I think my therapist thinks his behaviour is escalating. He has called me really hurtful names in arguments. He gets very angry with me. But I really want to get through this. So my question is: once behaviour starts being physically threatening like this, does it escalate to violence? How can I stop that happening? Am I just over-reacting? I feel ridiculous writing this, like I am making something out of nothing.

Thank you if you’ve read all of this.

This sounds awful. How is smacking you hard on the bum any better than slapping you across the face? Is punching you in the arm ok? Who else would it be acceptable
for to slap you hard on the arse? What if he did this to your child? Where are your boundaries? The writing is on the wall here, this is a deal breaker, you NEED to leave now.

It sounds toxic and if after 15 years things haven't got better then realistically they wont
Guessing a workplace affair was also involved and he is feeling resentful

He wants you firmly in your place.

is you line violence? Is that a hard line? Is everything else ok for you?

No affair. He thinks my friendship with a colleague crosses boundaries and I think it doesn’t - he understands there is no affair, nothing romantic or sexual involved. It’s a friendship, that’s all, but he doesn’t like it.

The thing is it hasn’t been like this for 15 years, only the last year or so. We never used to argue much. But now I think I often deferred to him. I think we do both want it to change but I don’t know how. I have suggested counselling.

That sounds terrible and yea it sounds like it is escalating. He’s actually hit you …ok on the bum but he crossed that line. I’d be very scared if I were you.

Are you scared op?
sounds like is potential for him to do very real harm to you or the kids.

Sorry I missed that he had already hit you.

so, back to you really. Where is your line?

what do you think he would do if you said you had the opportunity for a promotion which would take you to X amount a year and then, of course, he would then be expected to do the majority of the mental load and housework?

He is a grade A arsehole. Even before the beginnings of violence you should have left him ages ago. The fact that you are even having to ask whether you can continue the relationship indicates that you have phenomenally messed-up boundaries and a horrifically low bar when it comes to what you will accept from a partner. You and your children deserve better.

Leave, leave leave. Just fucking leave already. And leave your therapist as well because they should have told you to leave ages ago!

I am like a broken record on MN these days but seriously. Life is too short for this. Have a look at Women Who Love Too Much. And leave!

Also the answer is, yes it often does escalate just like your case has
Please listen to other pps

Of course you can stop it. If you want to become smaller and smaller, never say anything he doesn't like, not have friends, agree with everything, do everything around the house, agree when you don't and have no boundaries.

OR leave.

And the first one probably won't work anyway.

It sounds like he feels threatened by the changes in you (no longer deferring to him)

I think she is telling me to leave. She suggested I talk to a lawyer, tell friends irl, be very careful, have an escape route. But I feel like I must have made it sound worse to her than it is.

I know this sounds very stupid but I do really love this man and for so long I have been trying to work through this but I don’t know if I can.

I am not scared most of the time. This week for the first time I thought he might hurt me in anger. I have always said if he hit me I would leave. If he touched one of my children I would leave. But I don’t think he will touch them because it’s me he is angry with.

But he has hit you?

You're doubting yourself
What does your intuition say

He doesn't respect you. He is physically and emotionally violent towards you.
You should respect yourself enough to not tolerate this, and don't let this set an example of a relationship for your children.
Im not usually in the LTB camp, but something drastically needs to change in your relationship and the only change in him so far is for the worse.
Leave with your dignity.

Are you sure you’d leave if he hit you. I mean has hit you, he’s scared you, shoved something at your face, called you names and swore at you. Are you sure you’d leave.

I think you should leave. It’s already gone too far. No point waiting for it to get even worse.

Call women’s aid or local DV charity when you can, ask for their support. Hopefully they can help you find a safe way out and protect yourself.

He has already assaulted you.

Yes it is escalating.

Whst an awful environment for your children.

Tell your GP what is going on.

Call Womens aid and see what they say.

This is a violent man who has threatened and assaulted you.

Things will only get worse.

You need to report him.

Were you smacked as a child? Because you seem to have internalised the idea that slapping you hard on the bum isn't really "hitting". It is! It's an act of violence, just the same as a slap across the face. He IS escalating, quite steadily, and the process you're going through in therapy/improving your boundaries and building your confidence, will accelerate it. You need to get rid of him.

Thank you all for your replies. I am listening.

I want to be clear my children have never heard or seen this happen. They have overheard us argue but not the bad stuff. I’m not excusing myself. I know I am responsible for their well-being and I have to model a healthy relationship for them. Maybe I am kidding myself here.

The situation is escalating or you wouldn't have posted, he may soon be accusing you of an affair or claiming your changes in behaviour are because you are planning to leave him.
When men think you are about to leave it escalates. When men convince themselves you're cheating AND behaving as if you won't tolerate his shit anymore it will back up his 'belief' you're about to leave.

You are considering leaving.
Spoiler - he doesn't actually have to believe it to get himself so wound up about the idea that you end up getting hurt.

They are not supposed to do couples therapy if there is abuse and you have described abuse.

I am not scared most of the time.

What exactly does that sentence mean?**

Why is he doing this? What's going on? What I mean is, why, after 15 years, is he spiralling into violence? His behaviour sounds terrible. He sounds very angry and mentally unwell. He's verbally abusing you, he's hitting you, he's hurting himself. He has to get help, now! You have to make him get it. He has to go to the GP and get antidepressant's and on the wait list for therapy. And if he won't do those things, you need to leave.

I have never thought he would hurt me until this week. Once or twice I have felt scared of him. We’ve been together almost 20 years and I never felt this until recently.

Is it he swears at your kids, breaks hits things with them in the house as in the first post OR my kids have never seen or heard this happen.
It cannot be both.

Have you ever asked the kids what they are aware of? You might be quite shocked. I was when I was in your shoes, years back.

You haven’t made it sound worse to your therapist, I suspect you have in fact minimised it. After you leave you will acknowledge just how bad it was.

My ex H escalated over years, the worst physical incident was him hitting me in 2015 and giving me a black eye. I didn’t leave until November 2022. We are very middle class, both lawyers, affluent etc. No one suspected it was happening but everyone believed me when I told them.

He never went quite so far physically again after the black eye incident but there were many rages, things being smashed, situations that could have easily spiralled into violence if I hadn’t completely frozen and got the kids out of the room. I think mentally he gave himself permission to do whatever he liked short of actually hitting me again. “She stayed when I hit her so if I just don’t hit her again she will never leave”. To be honest the name calling, contempt, emotional abuse were far worse than the black eye.