NC’d for this. Apologies in advance if it’s long.
DH and I have been married 15 years, we have two young DC. The last few years have been tough and I’ve felt increasingly resentful about various things - him not pulling his weight around the house mostly. We both work full time, he earns more than me and I feel I do most of the house work and mental load. I feel this situation suits him fine - and he thinks I should do more because he earns more, which is maybe fair enough - but recently I’ve been more able to talk about it and he is making an effort to improve on that front.
He’s had a hard time with work and family stuff in the past couple of years and I think he’s depressed. For some time he’s had an issue with anger and I feel he expresses it excessively/ inappropriately. So sometimes swearing at me or the kids, calling names in arguments, that kind of thing, and I think over-reacting to minor triggers. He has sometimes hurt himself when he is frustrated or angry - punching or breaking things. Nothing physical with me or the kids though.
I’ve been in therapy for a couple of years and have come to see various ways in which I’ve struggled to maintain boundaries in our relationship. I’ve been trying to get better at that so have been telling him when we argue he shouldn’t call me names, copy my voice, give me silent treatment etc - and I can see he is making an effort to do that. A lot of the time we get on well but when we argue it’s horrible, and it never used to be this way. It’s all come to a head recently and he’s got angry with me about a work situation which I can’t really go into because it’s outing. He feels I’ve treated him badly and I disagree, that’s the essence of it. We’ve been arguing a lot and keep circling over the same ground. I am exhausted by it and I hate the arguing and especially the kids hearing.
Sorry this is long but I’m getting to the point. Recently in arguments DH has started to physically intimidate me in ways I find unpleasant but I think he thinks are ok. So for example - once he shoved something in my face to make me jump. It didn’t touch me though. Another time he smacked me hard on the bum - he was angry at the time and it hurt, he wasn’t joking around either. After arguments like this he understands I don’t like this behaviour but then it happens again in some other form.
I think my therapist thinks his behaviour is escalating. He has called me really hurtful names in arguments. He gets very angry with me. But I really want to get through this. So my question is: once behaviour starts being physically threatening like this, does it escalate to violence? How can I stop that happening? Am I just over-reacting? I feel ridiculous writing this, like I am making something out of nothing.
Thank you if you’ve read all of this.