Is this going to escalate or can I stop it?

[FreedaCarlow]

NC’d for this. Apologies in advance if it’s long.

DH and I have been married 15 years, we have two young DC. The last few years have been tough and I’ve felt increasingly resentful about various things - him not pulling his weight around the house mostly. We both work full time, he earns more than me and I feel I do most of the house work and mental load. I feel this situation suits him fine - and he thinks I should do more because he earns more, which is maybe fair enough - but recently I’ve been more able to talk about it and he is making an effort to improve on that front.

He’s had a hard time with work and family stuff in the past couple of years and I think he’s depressed. For some time he’s had an issue with anger and I feel he expresses it excessively/ inappropriately. So sometimes swearing at me or the kids, calling names in arguments, that kind of thing, and I think over-reacting to minor triggers. He has sometimes hurt himself when he is frustrated or angry - punching or breaking things. Nothing physical with me or the kids though.

I’ve been in therapy for a couple of years and have come to see various ways in which I’ve struggled to maintain boundaries in our relationship. I’ve been trying to get better at that so have been telling him when we argue he shouldn’t call me names, copy my voice, give me silent treatment etc - and I can see he is making an effort to do that. A lot of the time we get on well but when we argue it’s horrible, and it never used to be this way. It’s all come to a head recently and he’s got angry with me about a work situation which I can’t really go into because it’s outing. He feels I’ve treated him badly and I disagree, that’s the essence of it. We’ve been arguing a lot and keep circling over the same ground. I am exhausted by it and I hate the arguing and especially the kids hearing.

Sorry this is long but I’m getting to the point. Recently in arguments DH has started to physically intimidate me in ways I find unpleasant but I think he thinks are ok. So for example - once he shoved something in my face to make me jump. It didn’t touch me though. Another time he smacked me hard on the bum - he was angry at the time and it hurt, he wasn’t joking around either. After arguments like this he understands I don’t like this behaviour but then it happens again in some other form.

I think my therapist thinks his behaviour is escalating. He has called me really hurtful names in arguments. He gets very angry with me. But I really want to get through this. So my question is: once behaviour starts being physically threatening like this, does it escalate to violence? How can I stop that happening? Am I just over-reacting? I feel ridiculous writing this, like I am making something out of nothing.

Thank you if you’ve read all of this.

You are scared of him.

He has hit you.

He has deliberately hurt you in anger.

Call Women's Aid, get advice on how to leave safely and get out.

My kids are 5 & 8. They were aware of daddy’s rages and how he treated me, DS8 particularly. They were both obviously very upset when we split but DS is noticeably more relaxed and “lighter” - we were all on eggshells.

Trust your instincts please. If you're suddenly scared it's because something has changed so measuring him against the past you have together won't work.

He has hit you. It’s already violence.

I understand you love him and don’t want to leave. And that you are probably scared of how he will react if you do so.

Ive been there . I said I would leave if he hit me. Then he hit me and I said to myself I’d leave if he hit me in the face or with a weapon.

Then he hit me in the face but I told myself it wasn’t bad enough because I didn’t need medical treatment. I needed dental treatment but that didn’t count.

Then the neighbours called the police and they told me to leave. I said I knew he’s never really hurt me and they told me how many women tell them that and then they get called out to find her body.

I left then. Don’t be like me. PLEASE are smarter I was.

Also - sorry for multiple messages - I agree with @Aknifewith16blades he has already hurt you.

Ex H presents the black eye incident as the sole physical assault over a 21 year relationship but there were loads of other incidents where he hurt me or physically intimidated me in anger - he pushed me multiple times (including when I was pregnant because I complained that he hadn’t made our bed properly- he also destroyed the bed, pulling the mattress off the base), he once pinched the back of my arm so hard it was bruised black and blue the next day - because I was too slow to leave a wedding reception.

Not to mention the many times things were smashed or thrown at me. I think if you do an honest assessment of how many times he has physically intimidated you, you will see he’s already crossed several lines.

Lots of upsetting stories here
Well done to you brave women for getting out 💐

You are in a domestically abusive relationship. Please see the wheel to better understand the different ways abuse can occur. It’s also highly likely that the abuse will escalate, although it might feel like it gets better than worse again as you are going around the cycle of abuse at the moment.
Unfortunately, even if you don’t think this is the case, it is highly likely your children know more than you think and have been exposed to frightening adult behaviour. The consequences of this can be life lasting and serious, and include difficulties with mental health, development and forming healthy relationships themselves as they are more likely to tolerate abuse in their own relationships. For your sake and their sake I think you need to think really carefully about whether this relationship can continue.

I have known men to manage to pull out of this. But in both cases it took their wives leaving them and having a temporary separation. I think realising you won't take this behaviour is the only real motivation to make genuine changes. As long as you stay you are giving him the message that it's acceptable and he is, and will continue to, escalate until he discovers how hard he can push it.

This is very clear from the outside looking in and everyone will say the same thing to you because this is how it is unfortunately. You won't find anyone who will say that the type of behaviour he is showing now will stop.

I am not scared most of the time.
You should never be scared in your own home, with your life partner.

This week for the first time I thought he might hurt me in anger.
Yep, it is escalating

I have always said if he hit me I would leave.
He already hit you via a hard slap. That is legally assault OP, if you reported it, the police will record it as such.

If he touched one of my children I would leave.
Hearing him angry, and attacking, intimidating and frightening their mother is extremely damaging in itself. And what sort of a model of family life is it to them?

What you are describing OP is a toxic home and relationship. There’s no point in therapy with an abusive partner, it will become an abusive situation in itself. Listen to your therapist, and make plans. Pull all your financials, talk to a solicitor and women’s aid and work out a plan. Do not talk to him until everything is sorted.

As your therapist says, leaving has to be managed carefully because it can temporarily increase the chances of violence, so get advice from women’s aid on that.

It’s a miracle he hasn’t crushed you completely. Please don’t leave it till you have no fight left. Get out for yourself and your kids - you all deserve so much better.

Thank you all for posting. I am really sorry to read these stories too. You all seem very brave. I don’t feel brave. I am very ashamed that I have let it come to this. My poor children. I will keep reading but I need to try and get some sleep now. Thank you again.

You need to leave, for your sake and your children's.

If you stay, your safety is at risk.

If you stay, your children will grow up to think that his behaviour is normal, and they are more likely to accept being treated badly in their future relationships.

Please leave.

You’re braver than you realise @FreedaCarlow and your kids will be ok. PM me if it would be helpful.

Start by telling someone about what is happening.

One mistake I made was. it having an exit plan and just blurting it out. He lost the plot and it was really scary. He then drained all of our joint accounts (tens of thousands of dollars)

Try not to focus on feeling ashamed, focus on the fact that you are recognising the issue is serious. Many stay in denial. I did for years after he first got violent, "I'll leave if he bruises me" became "I'll leave if he bruises me more than he did last time" I had a million and one of these thoughts.
It's a big deal after a relationship that long to accept that he isn't who he was.

You don't need to be criticising yourself right now as you have very serious decisions to make, try to do the opposite and talk yourself up.

I know how impossible that sounds right now. But try.

I think you're the proverbial boiling frog OP, he is already escalating and you are already minimising, which is exactly how people get stuck in abusive relationships. He's already gone as far as striking you in anger, slapping your bum is him testing the water with something he can pass off as 'playful' and leave you doubting whether you're overreacting, which is exactly what has happened. He will push it a little further next time, and no, you can't stop it happening except by leaving

It has escalated into violence. He has hit you. He has hurt you in anger.
You’re not scared MOST of the time?
Also, you think because he is the bigger earner you should do more housework.
Yeah, leave. He’s a violent bully.

I didn’t think ex H would hurt the kids - until DS tried to push him off me when he was pushing me and exH grabbed DS’ arm so hard he bruised it 🥺

I know how your feeling OP, I left a relationship like this with father of my child 6 months ago. His anger had been a problem on and off for a while and it's so hard because it is scary and intimidating but you feel like because you haven't been punched in the face you should live with it. I might not have been punched but I was shoved a fair few times and kicked in bed etc and pushed things thrown at me. And things thrown around everywhere and constant walking on egg shells does no good for anyone. Im so much happier being a single parent without it all you really just don't need it. My child is much happier too.

I think that the reason it used to be okay and isn't now is due to you getting therapy and learning to maintain boundaries. He clearly doesn't like that and his escalating behaviour is evidence of that. The fact that there has now been violence means that there will almost certainly be more and it will be worse. I see no way that you can maintain his relationship and your sense of self and safety.

My ex started smashing things and physically intimidating me in a similar way after 2 years. The relationship was struggling but that was the final straw for me. One day he smacked the bed next to me really hard - didn't touch me, but was definitely done in anger to scare me. I left the next day. I am so very glad I did. The line had been crossed. I hope you can get out too. Trust your therapist, she's right.

It’s easy to think this new behaviour is out of character. But most likely it is totally in his character, you just haven’t seen it before because he hasn’t felt like he is loosing control of you before.

It’ll be the friendship he wants you to stop but you won’t. That has brought out his true colours after all of this time. He has already hit you in a way that would be horrific for your children to witness. I’m sorry for your situation 💐.

It’s not an ‘anger issue’ if he doesn’t behave like this with others: it’s abusive behaviour.

If he is struggling with his mental health but won’t seek any help, and is being horrible, that’s poor and the MH isn’t reason to behave like this.

Breaking and hitting things is a type of physical violence and very intimidating. Likewise ‘getting in your face’.

You also seem to have minimised the time he hit you.

This really isn’t good for you or the DC. Would seek to separate.

All of this ⬆️⬆️

He knows exactly what he’s doing. It’s not an anger issue, it’s a “controlling you” issue. His behaviour benefits him - why should he stop?

Read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft - that was an eye opener for me.

Speak to women’s aid, get your ducks in a row quickly and get yourself and your kids out of danger. (You might think they’re unaware but kids pick up on more than we realise.)

It’s already escalated. He’s hit you, but you’re thinking it’s somewhere it “doesn’t count”. He’s physically intimated you, but you’re thinking it was just him trying to make you jump. I’ve been there: you’re a boiled frog. It’s already escalated and will continue to do so. He’s crossed the line and tested your boundary, now he knows he can push you that far, so next time he’ll push a little further.

My Dad was like this with my Mum. Shouting, name-calling, throwing things around, blocking her way so she couldn’t escape one of his rants. He never hit her, but it was ‘everything but’.

I’m forever grateful to her that she ended the marriage (it wasn’t easy, but it was better than the alternative of bringing us up with an angry, emotionally immature, abusive man on the house).

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, you might want to change your username if it's a reference to where you live..