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Original poster

Porn....again

62 replies

Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 13:32

My DH laptop froze this morning, he's got to take it in for checking, I said it's all the porn you've looked at, he said I wouldn't on here because they'd see that.
I know he has, history shows that. I said you told me six months ago you wouldn't do that again, he said he hasn't, I stared at him, he never gave me eye contact and he went red, he was saved my a phone call.
He knows I'm pissed off.
Obviously he doesn't know I've seen the history. He's not that computer savvy so probably doesn't even know about it
The stuff he's looking at is he's searching specific people which I find upsetting, it's a betrayal in my eyes.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 13/10/2023 14:35

Pretty grim.

Kinda ironic that his computer got an std from all the porn he watches.

But honestly op it's you that's got some serious honesy issues to deal with. In that-you have to ve honest with yourself.

He watches porn and you're not ok with that. You tell him how it makes you feel and he says he will stop watching it. But then, behind your back, he watches it again (extensively it seems) and then lies to your face about it.

So what are you going to do?
Because he's not going to change. You have to. Either you decide to get rid of that boundary and accept his porn use/lies. Or you pack him up and ship him out.

Personally I think the later may be the right call. Irregardless of our individual feelings on porn as we read your post (as I'm sure lots of people will say thry don't think its a big deal and lots will say it isn't ok) - I certainly wouldn't want to waste my life with someone who doesn't seem to care a jot about my feelings. Life's too short.

But I dunno, maybe he has lots of redeeming qualities... ... ...

Original poster
Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 14:41

That's the thing, I love him very much. It's not affecting our sex life but clearly he's lying to me. To my face. What else is he lying about?

OP posts:
Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 14:43

Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 14:41

That's the thing, I love him very much. It's not affecting our sex life but clearly he's lying to me. To my face. What else is he lying about?

Of course he is lying to you. He watches porn and knows you will go ape-shit if he admits it.

You have a choice: either leave or stay and allow him to watch porn.

Pinkbonbon · 13/10/2023 14:58

I think often we are quick to say 'I love him very much' but we aren't stopping to consider that loving ourselves is just as important. And every time we accept betrayals and disregard of our feelings...we respect ourselves a little less.

Also, you could argue that his love for you is not on par with your love for him. Because otherwise he wouldn't be doing something that hurts you this way.

Loving someone doesn't mean its good enough. Love alone, isn't enough. There needs to be compatability. And empathy. And honesty. Otherwise its all arguably just a one-sided fantasy.

Seas164 · 13/10/2023 14:58

I think it's important to remember that people are doing what they want to do. He wants to watch porn. His want to watch porn is greater than his regard for the consequences, which is currently, dealing with a bit of earache sporadically, you not trusting him and you being upset. He wants to watch porn more than he wants to avoid those things.

You've got two choices if he won't stop, you can either change the way you feel about him watching porn, and accept that you are in love with a man that loves watching porn, or you can change the relationship you have with him in order to protect your own feelings. Someone might be along with another option, I can't think of one.

bessieandbob · 13/10/2023 15:02

What a slimy toad. How can you keep having sex with him knowing he's jacking off to other women and regularly by the sounds of it. He promised to stop, he hasn't. Get rid of him or put up with it - your choice.

Original poster
Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 15:02

I just feel incredibly sad and hurt.
I can't tell him I know it's on there because of snooping.
He clearly doesn't respect my feelings at all

OP posts:
JIMMI85 · 13/10/2023 15:07

I think partners watching Porn will always get a mixed response, and it ultimately boils down to, the type of Porn, whether or not it is paid for, if it adversely effects your sex life and ones feelings about their partner watching it.

Personally, i don't think anyone can stop their partner watching porn, its become so mainstream now its become acceptable. If one partner has a higher sex drive than the other then its a release, if it isn't effecting your sex life then its not having a negative effect on that front. I don't think any man has the right to tell his partner not to pleasure herself with a vibrator etc so I think the same could be said regarding men and porn, in some respects, the porn is the mans vibrator.

Also, lets not forget porn is not just a male 'pastime', woman use it as well.

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 15:08

Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 15:02

I just feel incredibly sad and hurt.
I can't tell him I know it's on there because of snooping.
He clearly doesn't respect my feelings at all

You are wrong to see it as him not respecting your feelings.You are not respecting his.

You have a difference of opinion about pornography. You need to work out if it is a deal-breaker.

Original poster
Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 15:14

It's not paid for, doesn't affect our sex life yet when I see him looking at the same people I feel what have they got I haven't, I'm not enough.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 13/10/2023 15:20

You are going to get a mixed response re: porn on here and I'll try to stay out of that. My questions are:

  1. is this filmed porn or personal interaction "live" material that he has to pay for? (Webcams/onlyfans). Because those are different I think, the latter being more akin to cyber prostitution than porn
  2. how much is he watching? If its loads then he's absenting himself from "real couple life" to wank which is not OK.
  3. why do you think he is lying? Lying about anything is a breach of trust, not healthy for a relationship. Do you think its because he's worried you'll dump him or is he hiding something? (A fetish, a relationship with a particular sex worker, whatever?) If the latter then he's probably good at compartmentalising which probably spills into other aspects of your relationship.

You don't have to put up with this if you don't want to but going a bit deeper into it might bring you clarity about whether its a deal breaker and why.

Pinkbonbon · 13/10/2023 15:21

Not to turn it into a pro/anti porn debate but- The thing is, porn potentially has victims so no, it's s not 'just like a vibtator'. And it's unfair to say anyone NEEDS porn. We have imaginations. All of us. Men and women. Just because lots of people accept it, doesn't mean we all have to.

And it's not just an issue of what he wants. The issue is that what he wants matters more than what his wife needs from him.

Watching porn is a want. A selfish want at that.
He is in a relationship. He doesn't get to be selfish like that if it hurts his wife and the relationship.

Men aren't helpless children incapable of resisting temptation. So let's not infantalise them.

JIMMI85 · 13/10/2023 15:21

Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 15:14

It's not paid for, doesn't affect our sex life yet when I see him looking at the same people I feel what have they got I haven't, I'm not enough.

I think people, men in particular, want what they can't have but it doesn't mean they actually want it in real life if that makes sense?

Most men will have a favourite adult star, that's just the nature of the beast, just like a woman will likely have a favourite actor or pop star, but that doesn't mean she wishes her partner was more like them.

Original poster
Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 15:36

AdamRyan · 13/10/2023 15:20

You are going to get a mixed response re: porn on here and I'll try to stay out of that. My questions are:

  1. is this filmed porn or personal interaction "live" material that he has to pay for? (Webcams/onlyfans). Because those are different I think, the latter being more akin to cyber prostitution than porn
  2. how much is he watching? If its loads then he's absenting himself from "real couple life" to wank which is not OK.
  3. why do you think he is lying? Lying about anything is a breach of trust, not healthy for a relationship. Do you think its because he's worried you'll dump him or is he hiding something? (A fetish, a relationship with a particular sex worker, whatever?) If the latter then he's probably good at compartmentalising which probably spills into other aspects of your relationship.

You don't have to put up with this if you don't want to but going a bit deeper into it might bring you clarity about whether its a deal breaker and why.

  1. Definitely no cams or anything paid for
  2. I don't really know I don't know what he looks at on his phone but this week for example on the laptop I found three Google's of
Top British porn stars And two of a pornstar he's regularly googled. Incidentally he never takes his phone to the bathroom. 3.hes lying to make his life easier, doesn't want me nagging.

We had a conversation a few months ago, he said if it upset me that much he wouldn't do it again.
He's just took his laptop to be backed up and said to me they are going to clean the porn up. I'm really angry I didn't deserve that statement. It's not funny to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 15:37

JIMMI85 · 13/10/2023 15:21

I think people, men in particular, want what they can't have but it doesn't mean they actually want it in real life if that makes sense?

Most men will have a favourite adult star, that's just the nature of the beast, just like a woman will likely have a favourite actor or pop star, but that doesn't mean she wishes her partner was more like them.

Show quote history

Yes this makes sense thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 15:41

The thing is, if I challenge it and I told him what I'd seen, he'd go ballistic and then take steps to his his behaviour so I wouldn't know.
Him looking embarrassed and avoiding eye contact was enough evidence to be honest without revealing his history.

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 13/10/2023 15:50

Look everyone has the right to their own opinions re porn, but just - from my point of view - I don't think him watching porn means you don't "have" something the porn actresses have.

That's like saying if he ever fancies anyone in real life (or an actress) that you don't have something they have. People fancy multiple people, you don't stop fancying people just because you're coupled up.
Everyone has people they fancy, outwith their partner, in real life and onscreen etc.

These are evidently the porn actresses whose looks or demeanour or style he fancies/likes the most. Yes, it's different from a regular actor/actress because the most you'd watch with them is a not very explicit love scene; not explicit sex scenes. But the principle is the same, is it not?

Fancying and loving someone doesn't stop you from fancying/being attracted to/being turned on by every other person on the world. That does not mean there's something missing or wrong in your partner.

Pinkbonbon · 13/10/2023 15:51

The fact that you had an open frank conversation where he recognised how it hurts you and promised not to continue that behaviour would have been a good thing...if it hadn't actually meant 'I promise to continue it without you finding out'. Not only that, the idiot hasn't even covered his tracks and now, he's mocking you for being hurt.

You already know that instead of being sorry he had hurt you, he'd gaslight you amd continue to lie and hide things. So...if he's that sort of person...isn't it already game over?

In his defence though- does googlimg a porn star mean he was watching porn? Maybe it was just a photo he googled.

Original poster
Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 15:55

Whatever/whoever he googled I'm just hurt.
Yes he mocked me I should have said we'll you're gaslighting me and here's the evidence and shown him there photos I took except I'm not strong enough. I'm just pathetic because I really have had enough trauma in my life without going into detail and I don't need to create any.
Maybe I'm over reacting.

OP posts:
MsPloddingBottom · 13/10/2023 15:55

That's like saying if he ever fancies anyone in real life (or an actress) that you don't have something they have. People fancy multiple people, you don't stop fancying people just because you're coupled up.

I'd say this is half true. Yes, in real life we can have crushes on all kind of people. If I or my OH had a cheeky crush, we know it's not personal

If though he was watching porn with a load of actresses that were all brunette with giant bums that's very different

So context is important

Original poster
Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 15:56

GilberMarkham · 13/10/2023 15:50

Look everyone has the right to their own opinions re porn, but just - from my point of view - I don't think him watching porn means you don't "have" something the porn actresses have.

That's like saying if he ever fancies anyone in real life (or an actress) that you don't have something they have. People fancy multiple people, you don't stop fancying people just because you're coupled up.
Everyone has people they fancy, outwith their partner, in real life and onscreen etc.

These are evidently the porn actresses whose looks or demeanour or style he fancies/likes the most. Yes, it's different from a regular actor/actress because the most you'd watch with them is a not very explicit love scene; not explicit sex scenes. But the principle is the same, is it not?

Fancying and loving someone doesn't stop you from fancying/being attracted to/being turned on by every other person on the world. That does not mean there's something missing or wrong in your partner.

Edited

You're quite right, thanks for this.

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 13/10/2023 15:57

I also think masturbation is a very very different thing (and should be) from having sex.

Porn is a visual aid to masturbation and while many men (and perhaps some women?) treat sex like masturbation; it most definitely should not be anything like it.
Masturbation, and visual aids for it, are scratching an itch, expressing your sex drive, giving yourself an orgasm. - without having to pay attention to, make an effort, bond, collaborate etc in a mutual sexual experience with someone else. It's functional, it's selfish, it's simple.

Ateotd maybe we should all use our imaginations only for masturbation but unfortunately at this point, the horse has most definitely bolted re porn - available everywhere all the time, and it provides a huge, instant, varied, searchable visual aid for it; and people who use it are very likely to fall back on it, rather than using their imagination.

If it was excessive use, if it was use that was affecting your sex life ....then no doubt; it would be a big problem; but it sounds like you don't feel his use affects your sex life (?)

Original poster
Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 16:01

It doesn't help I came out of a 24 year marriage, 11 of those were sexless so it took a lot to get my confidence back.
He knew this, we've been together 5 years and I make a really big effort, wear lovely sexy underwear partly for my confidence too,which he appreciates but then I think I make all this effort yet ....

OP posts:
JIMMI85 · 13/10/2023 16:02

I think both @GilberMarkham and @Pinkbonbon make valid points.

As you might have already guessed, I watch porn, but I am careful as to the type of porn I watch and when I watch it. I will often google an actress, or even a male actor to establish their history and to make sure the porn they are generally in is not coercive and filmed within the correct guidelines and no one has been exploited. Of course it is impossible to be 100% sure but it can give a good indication IMO.

I also NEVER watch porn when I'm with my GF, and only ever watch it when I go 2 or more nights without being with her ( we don't live together )

The type of porn I watch is varied, but a good example is I like a certain actress who has a lot of tattoos. I would NEVER date someone like that and I certainly don't wish my GF was similar but it's just 'a bit different' .

Original poster
Rainingagain56 · 13/10/2023 16:03

GilberMarkham · 13/10/2023 15:57

I also think masturbation is a very very different thing (and should be) from having sex.

Porn is a visual aid to masturbation and while many men (and perhaps some women?) treat sex like masturbation; it most definitely should not be anything like it.
Masturbation, and visual aids for it, are scratching an itch, expressing your sex drive, giving yourself an orgasm. - without having to pay attention to, make an effort, bond, collaborate etc in a mutual sexual experience with someone else. It's functional, it's selfish, it's simple.

Ateotd maybe we should all use our imaginations only for masturbation but unfortunately at this point, the horse has most definitely bolted re porn - available everywhere all the time, and it provides a huge, instant, varied, searchable visual aid for it; and people who use it are very likely to fall back on it, rather than using their imagination.

If it was excessive use, if it was use that was affecting your sex life ....then no doubt; it would be a big problem; but it sounds like you don't feel his use affects your sex life (?)

Edited

He told me he just looks at it doesn't mastubate which didn't make sense to me.
Our sex life has dwindled somewhat and his response was that things have settled in our relationship....

OP posts: