Porn....again

[Rainingagain56]

My DH laptop froze this morning, he's got to take it in for checking, I said it's all the porn you've looked at, he said I wouldn't on here because they'd see that.
I know he has, history shows that. I said you told me six months ago you wouldn't do that again, he said he hasn't, I stared at him, he never gave me eye contact and he went red, he was saved my a phone call.
He knows I'm pissed off.
Obviously he doesn't know I've seen the history. He's not that computer savvy so probably doesn't even know about it
The stuff he's looking at is he's searching specific people which I find upsetting, it's a betrayal in my eyes.

In saying all this ....if you porn is something you don't accept either of you using; it's perfectly possible to have that stance, and it's entirely up to you.

I would only say that (as above, with the position we are now in with porn in our society) it does seem to be more common than not for most men (and some women) to watch porn. I've only had a relationship with one man who didn't watch it (out of 4/5 relationships) ..and he is an unusual person who is completely and utterly IT illiterate (or was when I was dating him) and I also found his sexuality and relationship attitudes rather strange.

Thing is right, he's actually at the side of me when looking/ googling I know this because we with side by side.
I just wish he'd admit to it then he'd risk me being upset I suppose.
Thanks for being honest and giving me your opinion.

Having said this, this is just the laptop we have the conversation when it was on his phone so I haven't a true story of what's actually going off. Short of looking at that.

if you know he is googling actresses whilst he is next to you in bed, just ask him what he's googling? If you can see what he's googling ask him?

If he was jacking off next to you in bed then that is completely wrong, it could be innocent however - You'd be surprised how many adult stars are in 'mainstream' films that aren't porn related.

I don't understand the issue. You said yourself it doesn't affect your sex life, sounds like it's your insecurities feeling "not good enough " etc.

No he's working alongside me, his laptop is angled so I can't see it.
I think it's the opposite like he's googled TV presenters then put porn afterwards, all a bit sad really that he's hoping to find something on someone he fancies on TV!

That doesn't make much sense to me either.

I can totally understand someone looking up photos of an actress/actor, model, celeb, porn actress etc they fancy for a gander, but I don't really understand looking up explicit images and videos on porn sites ... Only to look.

Did you say he's doing this right beside you?

I actually find that odd and something that would make most people uncomfortable. It's one thing to have a gander at images of people you fancy in your own time and space, and similar for watching porn (with perhaps actors you fancy m), it's another browsing eye candy and explicit images etc right beside your partner, not in private.

Probably is given my history.
Hate the lying though, doesn't help

Yes sat next to me! Although like I've said I can't see what he's looking at from the angle.
Why would you just 'look'?
I think it's terribly disrespectful.
However in sure he's using his phone a he'll of a lot more.

No he's working alongside me, his laptop is angled so I can't see it.

He's looking up images on porn sites while he's working?

Yep he's kind of freelance so he can pretty much do as he likes.

It's usually before I've got up very early, or lunch when I'm pottering our when I've done for the day.
But sometimes yes I'm next to him, the audacity!!!

Ok, I'm not totally sure if he's doing this while working from home or while you're both just on devices .... But I have a totally different outlook on this now.

Every partner I've had, bar one, has used porn for masturbation, I use it myself. I've no problem with them having little crushes on celebs/actors/models either, and I have them too.

But I would not be comfortable with a partner looking up eye candy images or explicit images or videos of people they fancy, right beside me, while we're working or just browsing on our devices.

Tbh that sounds a bit sad, that he can't even keep his work time for work (or a quick look at news or sports on his breaks); and is looking up images on porn sites/explicit images during it.

Quite compulsive/disordered.

Which makes me think of he's doing this on his laptop what's on the phone!!
It's not every day. Sometimes weeks can go but it's been a lot this week I have no idea why.

There's a time and place.

And during working hours, or sat right next to your partner, is not it.

Totally agree I can't tell him that though...

It won't solve the problem of his inappropriate behaviour, but if I'm in any position like this, I tend to make them equally uncomfortable right back, sharpish.

When my h and I first got together, he'd bring lads mags into my house - so I ordered playgirl magazine and had it around.

If they were looking up shit like that in front of me, i'd start looking up images and videos of male fitness models and the better looking porn actors in front of them.

While satisfying, and decidedly illuminating (for them) on how it feels, it doesn't solve the fundamental problem of his lack of appropriate behaviour though.

I'm aware my h uses porn in moderation and has the odd crush, he's never doing it under my nose, beside me though. And vice versa.

This concerns me. In your posts you've said:

1. he'll "go ballistic" if you tell him you know
2. he's mocked you for bringing it up
3. you think you are overreacting and pathetic

Its entirely reasonable to feel insecure about him watching porn and the least he could do is respect your feelings and be discreet about his viewing. He isn't.

I think your feelings about this might be caused more by his lack of concern for your feelings than the porn. You are in a "put up and shut up" situation and that's never a good thing.

I also wonder if your previous experience means you feel like his behaviour is OK, when there are some red flags there that it isn't.

Interesting...I think he'd just laugh about it and think it was funny and probably say well it's ok for you and therefore gives him a reason to carry on regardless.
For example he's seen me looking at my favourite rock bands/stars on tiktok and thinks my fascination is amusing, nothing sexual there for me though with them just an admiration.

He's not a very well adjusted person, I'm sorry.

I initially thought this thread was about your discomfort about suspecting he was watching a bit of porn ....I now see it's about him looking up porny images etc right beside you and during work times etc.

Different kettle of fish.

He's an inappropriate/inconsiderate plonker. I find it a bit sleazy too.

And, as I said, a bit compulsive - that he's doing it while he's supposed to be working.

He doesn't know I know he's looking he's discreet. Only that he appeared embarrassed today when I joked about it damaging his laptop.
I don't think it's ok yet I think if he knows I looked at his history that's a bad thing.
It's definitely the lack of concern and lying that bothers me. If he was honest it'd be different yet he's avoiding telling me because he knows how it makes me feel. Insecure and unattractive.

I don't find men tend to laugh when you looking up images of six packed, hung like horses handsome men ... But you could always test him.

Yes, it might just become tit for tat, and the fact is he started the tat, and you'd only be doing it because he was doing it/to try to wake him up to it being uncomfortable.

I don't find it appropriate behaviour in a relationship. The fact that he does it, suggests he's not relationship material really. It might be disappointing to let a relationship go, if it's your first significant one after a long dissatisfying, failed one .... But you can't lower your standards way down just because your marriage broke down.

I don't think you're remotely alone in finding this sort of behaviour v uncomfortable/inappropriate. I find it so and as I said, I'm in a relationship with cosided porn watching. We keep it to ourselves.

Occasionally we might accidentally come across evidence of an interest or a crush; I used his laptop once and Google auto suggested Evangeline Lily; so I gave him a good natured ribbing about having a little thing about EL, which he agreed to. He knows I think the model David Gandy is male physical perfection so he jokingly put an M&S box with him on it tucked into my duvet.

There is no looking up explicit images of people beside each other or during daytime/working hours though.

@Rainingagain56

Neither of you are very respectful of the other. He lies to you, and you blatantly invade his privacy.

There is no moral high ground in your relationship. I suspect that you feel morally superior , but in reality yiu are both very much alike neither of you have much respect for the other. The only difference is the action that you take to display your disrespect. He lies and you invade his privacy.

I have no position on adults watching porn. That is a personal decision and as long as he is not forcing you to watch , I would recognize that as a choice that he is free to make.

You too have an absolute right not to want to be with someone who watches porn.

You both know what each others position , all that remains is for you to act consistent with your boundaries.

If this is a deal breaker for you, break the deal and end the relationship. It does not matter what others think , it only matters what you think.

His lack of self respect would put me right off, he’d be dumped for that alone.
I might be living in lala land, but the whole cocktail of porn, lies, short temper, insensitivity would make me go: you know what, I’m good, off you fuck, I’d rather go to bed with a nice cup of tea and a good book, less drama.