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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We’ve inherited a dog, what to do?!

65 replies

Butterfly944 · 13/10/2023 12:15

My mother in law passed away suddenly leaving my partner with her 2 year old dog.
It’s been two months now & I thought we were going to re-home him but my partner wants to keep it. The only problem is I really dislike the dog and am always cleaning up after it.
He has terrible habits and dribbles everywhere. I just feel like I can’t cope in my own home with this large dog who’s constantly in the way.
My partner feels like he has to keep him because of his mum but I also feel like I’m at breaking point. I never wanted a dog and especially not this breed or with the health problems it has. The financial impact it’s had it’s ridiculous.

Has anyone experienced this before??

OP posts:
androidnotapple · 13/10/2023 12:16

If you don't want a dog, and nothing tying you to partner such as kids, tell him you don't want a dog, he does, that makes you incompatible, and leave.

LostThestral · 13/10/2023 12:28

gosh, i'd really struggle if I inherited my sisters dog but I think because of the emotional attachment to my sister I would have to keep her.

Is someone at home all day OP?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2023 12:52

If you actually have no ties other than financial to this man I would move out.

Does he look after his late mother’s dog in any way or is has this animal become your responsibility?.

What has a vet said about its general health?. What terrible habits does it have?. Was it ever trained at dog obedience classes?.

samestyle · 13/10/2023 12:55

If he wants to keep the dog then let him have sole responsibility of it, the cost, cleaning, walking, dog care while he's at work.

5hell · 13/10/2023 13:06

We inherited my MILs 2 dogs when she died (<60y), they were a great comfort to dh; they were well trained in some aspects, but bad in others. we took them to classes, adapted to life with them and enjoyed ~7y with them. Dh had grown up with dogs and was the primary 'owner' , I'd never had dogs and was fairly neutral about it.

More recently we've inherited my relatives cat ...I grew up with cats, dh dislikes them but says he cant complain since i took on 2 Labradors without complaint! 😆

I think if possible you need to try to discuss with dh, see if some health/behaviour issues can be improved with training/vet etc, but if dh was close to his mum he may be finding the dog very comforting, so it might be too soon for him to see the problems?

if the dog is the only problem in your relationship, then it seems worth trying to find a non-drastic solution. good luck :)

Loverofoxbowlakes · 13/10/2023 13:27

I hear you op. We inherited my mum's cat and it's destroyed half my house, my mental health and relationship is in tatters. Kids won't let me rehome it though.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 13/10/2023 13:42

2 months after losing his Mum isn't a time to discuss this with your DP. I lost my Dad in January and I'm still reeling.

That's not just a dog to him right now, it's his link to his Mum.

luckylavender · 13/10/2023 14:02

SkyFullofStars1975 · 13/10/2023 13:42

2 months after losing his Mum isn't a time to discuss this with your DP. I lost my Dad in January and I'm still reeling.

That's not just a dog to him right now, it's his link to his Mum.

That's not fair on the OP though is it?

SkyFullofStars1975 · 13/10/2023 14:04

Believe me, grief is a hard enough journey to tread without your partner not fully supporting you. It's also not the right time to make logical decisions.

Original poster
Butterfly944 · 13/10/2023 18:04

Thanks for the advice everyone.
It’s just a hard time in general but the dog is adding to the stress right now. I’ve tried everything to try and enjoy having him but he can be very naughty for me but not my partner.
I agree it’s too soon to discuss but just finding it hard at the moment.
Hes never been to puppy classes or had any real social interaction as he was at home with MIL all day. He was never really walked so won’t walk with us which can be a pain as when he wants to go home he will just sit down and not move which I find so stressful.
My partner at the moment doesn’t see anything wrong with having him but we also have two cats who are still trying to adjust to having a dog in the house. One cat is loosing fur to the stress and the dog is constantly eating there food even though I’ve put it high up & out of the way 😱
I think either way one of us will resent the other if we keep/rehome the dog.

OP posts:
Paperbagsaremine · 13/10/2023 18:14

Ok, so reading your last update...
This is neither your fault not your responsibility, BUT, all you can do right now to improve things is to take up the reins and train the dog yourself. Talk to your friends with dogs (ideally friends who had erratic dogs whose behaviour they improved through training!). Talk to local vets. Go and get that advice and implement it.
Yes, this is what your MiL should have done, it's what your partner should be doing, but given that didn't happen and ain't happening, YOU building a relationship with this dog and rewarding him for desirable behaviour is more or less your only option.
I wouldn't blame you in the least if you just carried on suffering and complaining, but it won't help, I don't think :/

Singsonggsu · 13/10/2023 18:17

You need to be so dedicated to have a dog and if it’s not for you then re home it. I would definitely re home it as I don’t enjoy dogs at all.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 13/10/2023 20:14

It's not the dog's fault that he wasn't raised properly but there's always hope. A good behaviouralist will come to your home and work out some strategies to cope with the worst issues - your vet will be able to recommend someone. And stair gates are a great help for cats as they'll have spaces that the dog can't get to - we used to have one across our stairs so the cat could escape when he wanted to.

Poor thing is probably very understimulated due to the lack of walking - it's not just the exercise, it's the mental tiring out as well with sniffing etc. I've got 2 spaniels who are angels when they're well exercised, devils when they're not. A 2 year old dog should be dragging you down the road for a walk, not refusing.... it's probably very scared of it if it's not something it's experienced. Sorry but your MIL sounds like a terrible dog owner. Poor thing - it's not had the best start in life by the sound of it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/10/2023 20:22

It's really not fair to bring a dog into the house when you have cats. Your partner was trying to do the right thing by his mum's memory but he isn't thinking about the animals he already has. Plus it can't be great for the dog having the cats there who don't want him.

martinisforeveryone · 13/10/2023 20:22

If you really can't see a way forward you need to talk to your partner and frame it that the dog deserves to be with someone who'll love it and be happy to take care of it and that ultimately, that's what his mother would have wanted, not a home where the dog's resented and not fitting in.

Dotcheck · 13/10/2023 20:26

SkyFullofStars1975 · 13/10/2023 13:42

2 months after losing his Mum isn't a time to discuss this with your DP. I lost my Dad in January and I'm still reeling.

That's not just a dog to him right now, it's his link to his Mum.

This

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 13/10/2023 20:28

It must be an upheaval for the dog, he is probably missing his owner and his old home. When my Uncle died his dog sat looking for him out of the window for ages and running to the front door when ever anyone knocked for months after. It was so sad.

LuluBlakey1 · 13/10/2023 20:29

Paperbagsaremine · 13/10/2023 18:14

Ok, so reading your last update...
This is neither your fault not your responsibility, BUT, all you can do right now to improve things is to take up the reins and train the dog yourself. Talk to your friends with dogs (ideally friends who had erratic dogs whose behaviour they improved through training!). Talk to local vets. Go and get that advice and implement it.
Yes, this is what your MiL should have done, it's what your partner should be doing, but given that didn't happen and ain't happening, YOU building a relationship with this dog and rewarding him for desirable behaviour is more or less your only option.
I wouldn't blame you in the least if you just carried on suffering and complaining, but it won't help, I don't think :/

^^ This. Stop whining and take positive action. It's not the dog's fault and it's not DH's fault.

RoseAndRose · 13/10/2023 20:30

luckylavender · 13/10/2023 14:02

That's not fair on the OP though is it?

Show quote history

Life, death and grief aren't fair

Bimbimmer · 13/10/2023 20:35

Is there anyone else close to you (DP family : friend) who might like the dog so your OH can still visit it?

Totalwasteofpaper · 13/10/2023 20:42

Agree it's a link to his mum.
However... You do at some point have to be practical.

Your DH might be attached but he isn't training he dog or cleaning up it's 💩

You have cats and something has to give.
I would approach it super sensitively but you do need a conversation about what is going to happen. Ideally the dog is rehomed. If that it not an option and it may be the dog is THAT important to him, maybe the cats go and you do training with the dog.

We already discussed this and god forbid if anything happens to my DM her dog will be rehomed. He is gorgeous but horribly trained. As in... Not as all trained.

I adore my first DD (aka DDog) but if for whatever reason I had to give her up for my DH he would come first.

ActDottie · 13/10/2023 20:46

If my parents died I can’t imagine not taking on their dog. Dogs are family to me.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/10/2023 20:55

i think every dog deserves to be somewhere that they are wanted. If they are not, it is kindest to rehome them. It does not sound like your DH really wants the dog, he just wants a link to his mother. He has lots of memories for that.

StarDolphins · 13/10/2023 21:04

I took my grandads cat when he died. She gave me comfort & I wanted to do the right thing by my grandad. My then bf moved in & after a while once he got comfy, he insisted we rehomed my grandads cat as she was scratching (MY) carpet & he was leaving if not. I said that’s fine & to leave.

Maybe the dog gives him comfort but if it’s a dealbreaker for you then you need to leave or tell him to take full responsibility.

Original poster
Butterfly944 · 13/10/2023 23:27

@LuluBlakey1 definitely not whining, just asking for advice thanks. It’s been incredibly difficult for all of us in this situation and only want the best.

OP posts:
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