DP Can't Keep a Job... Why? Neurodiverse?

[QS90]

I've been with my DP 9 years, we bought a house, had IVF, had two babies. When I met him, he worked at a bookies. He didn't particularly enjoy the job, but no signs of him getting fired. I supported him through doing his teacher training, before we had children. He is a nice partner and a good dad, aside from not being able to hold a job. I wouldn't have had children with him though, had I known I would be unable to rely on him, but that ship has sailed. I have an okay job myself, working as a Quantity Surveyor, but have only done two days per week since having my first. I don't particularly enjoy my job (who does?), but worked hard prior to having children, to be in a position where I could work part time for a few years. I feel I am a good mum, and don't want to go back full time yet. My DC are 2 years and nine months, and nine months (returning off mat leave in December).

Since passing his PGSE, he got a placement at a school, didn't do well. They extended his probation, but then let him go because he apparently just wasn't doing what he needed to (despite being good with the actual children / teaching / parents liking him). He then started tutoring online, which failed as he wasn't booking enough hours. This was when we were expecting our 2nd. He got a job in Customer Care, again had probation extended, again didn't pass, when youngest was very small. Got another Customer Care job, has just not passed his probation again. All employers said he had a good attitude, but was just making too many mistakes. He also makes lots of mistakes with domestic stuff, like he's not listening, but maybe he is. He seems neurotypical, except friends have mentioned he is quite fidgety. But someone suggested today he might have ADHD or similar?

Any thoughts? He always seems genuinely upset when he loses a job. I'm at my wits end.

To say too, he comes across as neurotypical to talk to him.

He is very confident, and a bubbly "people person". He is clever on paper, and has a degree in a humanities subject, and was an average B / C student at GCSE.

If ADHD is a possibility maybe he needs to have a read up on jobs that suit ADHD traits. For example, I’ve a friend with adhd who says she needs lots of regular deadlines to stop her procrastinating. It sounds like his strength lies in people skills and it’s tasks that need more attention to detail which he struggles with, is that right?

Sounds similar to my ex. Couldn’t hold down a job, despite having gone to uni.

have lost count of the times he’d been fired/ not passed probation. Caused real tension because I always sensed I wasn’t getting the full story. He’d swear blind he’d been working really hard, they were wrong ( I mean, how many times could it be the other person?)

Turns out one of our two kids has ADHD and he has now been referred. No official diagnosis but having seen it up close with our DC, I think this I exactly what it is.

would he be open to getting an assessment?

you have my sympathy- I also regretted having kids with my ex. But if he tried medication, it could really make a difference

It's impossible to tell from an online post if someone has ADHD or not. He probably does need an assessment. For your immediate purposes - try assuming that he does, it's not out of the question from what you've described.
Is he willing to do all the research to see what adjustments he can make to his life and work so that he can manage to keep a job? So while awaiting a diagnosis, can he look into all the information available online (I'd recommend Additude magazine) to see what resonates with him and what adjustments he is able to make for himself?
I say that as someone who had a lot of work issues until an ASD diagnosis, which has made a huge difference both to my own expectations of myself and my workplace's understanding. But it needs to be him looking into it and sorting out adjustments he can make, it's not exclusively your responsibility.

Just read your update- sounds very like ADHD trait.

bubbly, Personable, good with people are the positive attributes of it.

Thanks all for your replies - it's such a frustrating and upsetting time.

@Diymesss Yes, exactly that. He has so many friends, and gets on great with the customer / pupil / client facing part. But the attention to detail is pretty much non-existent.

@Almosthumannow Sorry you had the same. It's awful, isn't it. I love him, but feel it's periodically overshadowed so much just by despair. It's exactly that thing, where if you hear his side of it, everything he's done wrong at work sounds so unimportant, but if everyone is saying it, can't possibly be a coincidence. But I do feel sad for him on top of it all😢Will talk to him tomorrow about an assessment. Hadn't even considered whether it could have been passed on to our boys - it's all so new.

@FizzyWizard Yes, we will do that. Thank-you for the resources. Did your working life improve once you had a diagnosis?

@QS90 I wonder if he can get into a career where the people relationships are the main bit then. Something like personal trainer or careers adviser, where it’s mainly talking to people and lighter on the paperwork? Or sales?

Being personable and good with people is an amazing skill, if he can just channel that!

Haven’t read the full thread and don’t know enough about your husband, but based on these few details dyspraxia is something to be considered as well.

What are they saying when not passing him for probation? What is his reaction to it?

This.

The thing about having ADHD is that you are focusing on different things to other people. You then forget about things that other people think are important (and that you don't think are important) and then you get in trouble.

So what happens is that he so be focusing on interacting with students, and will forget some nonsense paperwork job.

This is how ND people who are actually good at core tasks loose jobs.

I wonder if there may be any issues with auditory processing and/ or working memory. (Making it difficult to hold or store information).

Also think dyspraxia is worth looking into.

If he's already trained to be a teacher and is good with the students then what about supply teaching?

Interesting about people suggesting dyspraxia, the nhs website suggests that if you have dyspraxia you may also have another ND condition like adhd too - https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/developmental-coordination-disorder-dyspraxia-in-adults/

Why the jump to some kind of condition? It took me 20 years to find what I am really good at, I left plenty of jobs and got sacked too.

However I did have work, to support myself, regardless.

Would he consider working in ASN area of teaching.? Might suit his personality.

Friends with adhd do say medication helps them focus. If that is what it is there could be help available.

Hi all, sorry for long delay in posting - the whole thing has been a lot to process, and he's had a new job start too so lots going on.

Does anyone know a good way to how about getting a diagnosis for ADHD and / or dysbraxia? We'll find the money to ho private if needed, but is it worth seeing a GP first? Or are any of the private companies better or worse?

@HereForTheFreeLunch and @Diymesss that was great advice - he is infact happily working as a supply teacher atm. Long may it last.

@Newgirls That's really reassuring to hear - do you know what "type" or ADHD they have?

@Summerhillsquare I get your point, it just seems like an odd thing to keep having happen! So want to explore to see if it will help really.

@ReturnOfTheRainMac After he lost his first teaching role, he knew it was coming because they basically had said. But was really devastated and angry because he felt he had essentially been set up to fail, because he didn't understand what he was supposed to be doing. When he lost his first Customer Care job, he was shocked, because he thought everything was going really well, but then he went in for his end of probation meeting, and they were just like "pack up your things". So I got back from Mother and Toddlers to find him at home, in a state. Second Customer Care job, he also had suspicions it was coming, and was just resigned to it and feeling rubbish again :-( It's such a roller coaster.

I don’t know the type of medication but I know 3 people who have had medical care for adhd and all seem happier in the past year. Fewer crises if that helps? Hard to quantify but I think this whole new awareness of brain diversity has really helped - maybe just feeling more understood helps in itself

@QS90 my son has a dyspraxia and ASD diagnosis from nhs but it took years to get. It can vary by area how long it takes. There are private companies but I don’t know about them sorry, you might be best off asking locally to find out which are in your area

Great to hear he’s currently happily supply teaching 😊

Is he trying to do jobs that don't suit him in order to earn enough money?

Would you be better off financially if he took a job he knew he could do and kept it?

I have ADHD and I hold down a fairly demanding professional job and manage staff. I have set up routines and systems to cover for my weaknesses. I am not medicated but I know it makes a difference for my son.

Turn this about for a minute- he’s passed academic subjects that require attention to detail, he’s passed his pgce which has practice involved. He’s held down a job previously that needed attention to detail. If he had adhd would it not have shown itself a lot earlier? PGCE are not a walk in the park.
Is it him or has he struck unlucky with employers? Customer care jobs - some of them only want you for probation and have a high staff turn over. Was he working with a load of people 10 yrs plus or were they all new into the jobs and very few long term employees?

first teaching job has major red flags - he shouldn’t have been failing like that. So if he feels he was being set up to fail without clear expectations I would listen to him. Just because it’s a professional job doesn’t mean they aren’t shit employers.