DP Can't Keep a Job... Why? Neurodiverse?

[QS90]

I've been with my DP 9 years, we bought a house, had IVF, had two babies. When I met him, he worked at a bookies. He didn't particularly enjoy the job, but no signs of him getting fired. I supported him through doing his teacher training, before we had children. He is a nice partner and a good dad, aside from not being able to hold a job. I wouldn't have had children with him though, had I known I would be unable to rely on him, but that ship has sailed. I have an okay job myself, working as a Quantity Surveyor, but have only done two days per week since having my first. I don't particularly enjoy my job (who does?), but worked hard prior to having children, to be in a position where I could work part time for a few years. I feel I am a good mum, and don't want to go back full time yet. My DC are 2 years and nine months, and nine months (returning off mat leave in December).

Since passing his PGSE, he got a placement at a school, didn't do well. They extended his probation, but then let him go because he apparently just wasn't doing what he needed to (despite being good with the actual children / teaching / parents liking him). He then started tutoring online, which failed as he wasn't booking enough hours. This was when we were expecting our 2nd. He got a job in Customer Care, again had probation extended, again didn't pass, when youngest was very small. Got another Customer Care job, has just not passed his probation again. All employers said he had a good attitude, but was just making too many mistakes. He also makes lots of mistakes with domestic stuff, like he's not listening, but maybe he is. He seems neurotypical, except friends have mentioned he is quite fidgety. But someone suggested today he might have ADHD or similar?

Any thoughts? He always seems genuinely upset when he loses a job. I'm at my wits end.

There are definite ADHD traits there. I strongly suspect I have it and while I didn’t get fired I found my early years a nightmare but I have finally found a career that really suits and it is working well for well over a decade.

Maybe he should try working in sales ~

In OPs DPs defence, I was diagnosed with ADHD by the NHS last summer, 21 years after I passed my PGCE with flying colours. I managed to hold down jobs but I was always behind with paperwork despite being literally outstanding at the actual teaching bit. I had to leave in the end because I was so burnt out and I've struggled to find a job that suits ever since. My diagnosis was a bit of a revelation!

Honestly what stands out here is that he may have a disability which is preventing him from working full time, permanent post, while you are choosing not to. I get wanting time off with your babies but as a family you need to prioritise someone working to being in a good stable wage

Maybe he should try some type of sales, as people skills are most important but knowing a bunch of fiddly details that can be error prone wouldn't be a priority.

Thanks 😊Yes, it's a relief and nice to see him enjoying work too.

I wonder that too. I have suggested he work in nursery school / early years as he has worked in a nursery before. Children all love him, he's great at it and in terms of paperwork it's easier. But he has his heart set on being a teacher, and says he doesn't want early years.

Possibly - certainly the teachers at the school seemed wildly overstretched, and didn't have a lot of time to sit down and go through things with him, which didn't help.

First CC job, most of the other people who started at the same time passed probation, and they were still advertising for more of the same roles when he was let go. Quite a lot of training etc. Second CC job only he was taken on, and everyone else had been there a while, yes.

He also had his own business in the last few years which failed (basically he wasn't paying attention to the administration part).

Not ruling out shit employers, as there are so many, but still seems like a lot for it to be bad luck 🤔

@TheSnootiestFox Can I ask how you managed to get uour diagnosis?

Thankfully we're not there yet! But yes, I'm glad I have option to fall back on.

I had an employee like this- turns out in addition to 56 hour weeks, being sole cater for 3+ kids she hadn’t had a weekend away from her kids in over 18 years and was dropping with exhaustion. It’s not always neurodivergence. She had kept the job with us a few years before the mistakes started to be fair.

If getting an assessment would help your husband, go for it. Rory talks a lot about ADHD on facebook. Also, finding a job that is more people and with less room for error?

I’m going to suggest he try’s something different, care work through an agency so that he can rack up the hours in a variety of settings. This will utilise his bubbly people skills and he will acclimatise to procedures. Youth work also might be of interest.

All my adult children are ND. All different challenges. 3 have dyslexia and dyspraxia in addition to ADHD. One has autism and ADHD.

All hold down jobs.

It's not the ND.

This is exactly me and until my early 30s my career was a car crash. I see it as a type of neurodivergence but it doesn't fall easily into a category.

After having children I realised I need a job that has a high knowledge base (I love learning), not too much paperwork, and has a bit of variety in my tasks. I also had to take a step back from being ambitious. It seems to be the more anxious and worried I am, the worse my performance is.

It's hard and has taken a good few years but I'm getting there and although my salary isn't stellar it's getting better.

This is a fundamental misunderstanding of how adhd works. I have adhd and have a good degree from a good university and always had reasonable grades through school. I have really struggled in the workplace though and have often had the problems op describes her husband having. It's soul destroying and so hard to explain why you can do one thing but not another.

University was a subject I was interested in, the topics were changing regularly so it didn't become tedious and there were clear deadlines. I had also been told at the time I was likely dyslexic due to my working memory so was given some help towards planning.

Conversely work is the same thing every day and gets old fast, plus there are lots of unnecessary nonsense tasks that I don't understand the purpose of and that seem like a waste of time, that it feel like pulling teeth to try and make myself do.

Some workplaces have tried to 'help' by making the job easier and more repetitive and this just made it 10,000 times worse as my brain just will not focus on tedious activities.

That's great for your kids but not true of the nd population a whole. Stats show they really struggle to hold down jobs, especially those with asd.

I'd be also really interested to know if they were diagnosed young and so had help in managing their conditions. A lot of us have just been repeatedly failing at life, not knowing why, not knowing how to work around it and just assuming that we were lazy awful people instead.

I'm ND, reasonably bright and have a good degree. I struggle in nearly all jobs and none of them have been very taxing really.

There are always certain things I enjoy and do well and components that I just cannot get to grips with. It's embarrassing and I sense colleagues frustration with me and worry they think I'm being precious about what I want to do as it must seem selective from their POV.

Otherwise I'm confident, sociable and have fairly good people skills and lots of mates.

I can't multi task - it stresses me out and makes me miserable/agitated.

It's also frustrating that I've not done better career-wise. I feel like it's really held me back.

My hope is that if he can get an assessment, we can get something in place that allows him to hold down a job. Can I ask please how you went about getting a diagnosis for your children?

My ds has diagnosed ADHD and suspect dh has as a lot of the same traits. Dh works best working for himself. When he is fully engaged he goes flat out. Gets loads done and then loses concentrate/ interest and eases off. This isn't an issue when self employed as calls his own hours/ works late etc. He absolutely hates admin so ass much as possible delegate's this and is a master at delegation.
DS works in events and this suits his gifting as its huge hands on for a period and then eases off only to rise up again.
Both aree very strong with people and get lots of work/ contacts.
I think teaching may be the wrong choice. As a teacher l worked with someone with ADHD and while he was great with the children he had no structure,, didn't like being directed, hated paperwork and nearly caused the principal a breakdown trying to get him into some kind of structure. He was a lovely guy..so personable but completely lacking in self reflection and had no idea where he was going wrong. He might have lasted years ago in the less organised way of things but even for the best of us the paper work is a killer these days.

He is also pretty tired tbf - when he's in work, he's full time, plus he always does an additional day of freelance stuff, so most of the time he works 6 days a week. He's a very hands-on dad too (we have two under 5's), and does a bit of housework, so is very full on. Could definitely be a contributor, an interesting thought...

He needs to ask his GP for referral - there is a guide here.

https://aadduk.org/faq/

Or you can go the private route but it's expensive as with ADHD, if you want medication it's not as simple as here you go, this is the right one, it's very individual with both the drug and the dose. It can take months to find the correct dose and this is all done through the private provider. It's only once you've found a stable medication option and dose that they'll hand over to NHS.

It displays differently in different people, so one person might struggle in education, another might be fine. One person might struggle to keep a job, another might be fine.

For me I'm a bit of both. I did well at school until age 16 and since then everything has been a bit of a mess. I did two different post 16 options and didn't finish them properly, then I ended up going to uni anyway somehow, but again messed it up. I was actually doing fine with the work but missed an exam and that was going to cause some kind of major issue, I forget. Then I did a teaching course that's technically post-grad level at the halfway mark of this they were making out like I was going to fail but then I passed with flying colours.

I've worked in four different industries and studied four different subjects. Only two of these overlap. I have tended to keep jobs for a while though at my last job I felt like I was making constant mistakes. My main thing is missing opportunities for jobs. I look back and go wtf, I could never make sense of any of this, it all seemed so random without any discernible pattern until I got diagnosed then everything made a lot more sense.

No, it might not be ADHD, but it's common enough and there are enough red flags to get it looked at.

Oh my goodness. I could have written every single word of this myself, although you’ve expressed it more clearly than I could.

The waiting lists are very long in some places.

First step for me was See GP who then referred to local mental health team.

Took about two month for the referral to come through and I had to answer a load of questions, sort if like a screening thing, they asked about childhood, I was referred for nhs and asd assessments and told at that point that the wait is 4years and then you wait again for medication. (Which I've heard can also be another long waiting list depending on area)

If you go private, you might want to keep in mind you may have ongoing costs for titration appointments and prescriptions too.

Also look up "right to choose" that might be another option but check with gp if they'll agree to shared care for ongoing treatment.

Some assessors will want to speak to someone from his childhood and for examples of how it's been present all his life. I've heard of people being refused an assessment without a parent or family member who can do this. I know someone in real life who didn't have anyone and they still had an assessment so I'm assuming there's circumstances where it can go ahead. My friend had all her school reports so maybe it was that.

I started making a spreadsheet where I add traits and examples from my life and I've started talking to my Mum about them as she had no idea there's so many more traits than the stereotypical stuff.

Rang my GP, explained all, he then referred me to psychiatry UK, they assessed me and told me I had it and I've now waiting for medication.