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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this an issue ? I think it is but told I’m overreacting

52 replies

BigdealorNot · 12/10/2023 18:18

I’m not sure but I feel as if dp is gaslighting me over this ?

He’s always talked about colleagues , it’s not been any kind of issue he’s mentioned people eg his boss and said random and mundane things such as ‘he said this /did this’ or people on his team ‘he / she said xyz ‘ I’ve met some of his colleagues etc . All fine all ‘normal’

A while ago he mentioned’the new guy’ a few times which I thought absolutely nothing of. Then they were working on a project together so he had a couple of extra meetings and some calls and he would say for example ‘I just have to go and call the guy from work’ or talk about things and say he/him …..

We went out one evening a few weeks ago after work near to his office as id met him after work and bumped into some of his colleagues , one woman started chatting to him about the project he had said he had been working with the new ‘guy’ on. Dp went extremely weird and was just really acting odd. Clearly wanted to leave but enough had been said by that point for me to realise that the new ‘guy’ was actually this woman ???

On the way home I said ‘why did you tell me it was a man??!!’ He went ballistic saying it’s not a big deal. I said well it is - it’s weird !! He said it’s my problem and ‘everyone does it’ saying that actually I’m strange as I haven’t ?!! He was turning it round as if I have the problem for 1) having an issue with it ans asking and 2) that I’ve never done that ??!!

OP posts:

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 12/10/2023 18:29

Of course it's an issue. He fancies her or something has already happened. Why would he hide her otherwise?

Alphyn · 12/10/2023 18:31

Yes, it’s weird. He’s hiding something. Probably having an office affair or thinking of it. His reaction is classic DARVO. Sorry OP.

WeeOrcadian · 12/10/2023 18:32

There's absolutely a back story here

Hiddenvoice · 12/10/2023 18:32

If it wasn’t a big deal then he would have said she was female. My dh works with many colleagues and worked closed with many females, he just drops it into normal day to day conversation and it’s not big deal.

He is definitely gaslighting you. He’s hidden her and made it an issue which is the problem here. I’d think he’s hidden it for a reason.

Original poster

BigdealorNot · 12/10/2023 18:36

Yes I feel like he must fancy her ??!! It didn’t seem like she fancied him though ? I didn’t get any kind of bad vibes and she was straight over chatting to him and if there’s something going on it’s one sided ? But he HATED me asking him after and when I laughed and said ‘it’s a bit weird!! ‘ he was angry and embarrassed

OP posts:

Original poster

BigdealorNot · 12/10/2023 18:38

He keeps telling me I’m the weird one as I’ve never said somebody is the opposite sex ??!! I don’t even think I’ve ever thought about it it’s making me overthink everything!

OP posts:

Hibambinos · 12/10/2023 18:39

This guy needs the door….he is weird and you need out.

Original poster

BigdealorNot · 12/10/2023 18:39

In boring day to day conversations or situations I’m trying to think why would anyone change details like that ? !

OP posts:

Hibambinos · 12/10/2023 18:39

He is thinking of having an affair, he still probably all in his head but it’s there.

CharlieBigPotatoes1 · 12/10/2023 18:41

It’s very odd. People in serious relationships should not even think about doing this sort of thing.

Original poster

BigdealorNot · 12/10/2023 18:41

That’s all I can assume is that he fancied her and had ideas about things progressing so was keeping me away from the truth ? I wouldn’t pick her out as a threat though and I didn’t get the impression she fancied him or maybe I’m wrong. I was shocked how he reacted when I laughed about it he was so so angry I think he felt absolutely humiliated

OP posts:

toomanyboxes · 12/10/2023 18:42

Of course you'e not over-reacting.

He deliberately told you she was the new 'guy'. For what reason, one can only guess, but I suspect it's because he wanted to avoid the inevitable curse of mentionitis.

Original poster

BigdealorNot · 12/10/2023 18:44

toomanyboxes · 12/10/2023 18:42

Of course you'e not over-reacting.

He deliberately told you she was the new 'guy'. For what reason, one can only guess, but I suspect it's because he wanted to avoid the inevitable curse of mentionitis.

And that’s the thing he had mentioned the new ‘guy’ a lot ! And having to go and call the new guy etc etc. I probably should have checked his phone to see if the new ‘guy’ had a fake male name !!! But part of me can’t be bothered as it’s pretty obvious he’s deceitful and whether that’s accompanied by an affair or not I think the intention was there

OP posts:

Original poster

BigdealorNot · 12/10/2023 18:45

I said to him ‘you must have had to make an effort not to slip up all the times you spoke about him (her!)’

OP posts:

toomanyboxes · 12/10/2023 18:46

Oh, so I was right about the mentionitis then, but the cat's out of the bag now.

He's got a major 'thing' about her. Sorry OP.

MayThe4th · 12/10/2023 18:48

OP, do you have a history of insecurity and/or accusing him of affairs if he mentions a woman’s name?

That’s the only reason why I could imagine he might feel he needed to change her sex.

If not then he’s weird, you’re not.

VisionsOfSplendour · 12/10/2023 18:48

No one does that, does be think you're stupid?

sprigatito · 12/10/2023 18:48

He's definitely either having or contemplating an affair imo. More importantly, he sounds like a liar with no intelligence.

Catsafterme · 12/10/2023 18:49

If it was nothing and was all innocent, why the defensive outburst?

In the case of there being nothing to worry about and it being innocent, you would surely be honest from the outset.

WhateverMate · 12/10/2023 18:51

The only time I've told a lie like that in the past was when I was still married to my ex husband.

He was insanely jealous and would interrogate me over any male new starters.

If you're not the jealous type OP, then he probably does fancy her.

Original poster

BigdealorNot · 12/10/2023 18:53

MayThe4th · 12/10/2023 18:48

OP, do you have a history of insecurity and/or accusing him of affairs if he mentions a woman’s name?

That’s the only reason why I could imagine he might feel he needed to change her sex.

If not then he’s weird, you’re not.

Not at all and he works with a lot of women (some I’ve met most I haven’t ) and has female friends and has managed in all the 9 years I’ve known him to never make a ‘mix up’ like this before……

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 12/10/2023 18:56

I do know some men who use guy as a gender neutral term, who would say “hey guys “ to a mixed room or even to a women only group. So if it was “the new guy” then maybe, just about.

But no reason for him to be saying “ah, the new guy, he just did something funny”

Kittensat36 · 12/10/2023 18:58

Wouldn't be tooooo worried about him referring to her as 'the new guy' (ya know, the masculine including the feminine an all that) what raised the red flag with a klaxon here was his reaction to being told that you didn't realise 'the new guy' was a woman. If his response had been that, in retrospect, yeah it was a bit odd to refer to her in that way, I wouldn't have turned a hair.

But to go off at the deep end like that gets my Spidey senses going.

Original poster

BigdealorNot · 12/10/2023 19:03

When there has been a new female before he has said ‘new girl ‘ or ‘Sophie from accounts - she’s new you know ‘ or ‘Maeve - she started last week’ that type of thing. With men he will mention names I do t actually know why I didn’t register sooner that he was being a bit strange / secretive (always ‘just calling the new guy’ or ‘had such a great meeting with the new guy today he had some great ideas about xyz’

OP posts:

OliveToboogie · 12/10/2023 19:04

He fancies her and trying to put you off the scent. Getting angry with you because he was caught.

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