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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this an issue ? I think it is but told I’m overreacting

52 replies

BigdealorNot · 12/10/2023 18:18

I’m not sure but I feel as if dp is gaslighting me over this ?

He’s always talked about colleagues , it’s not been any kind of issue he’s mentioned people eg his boss and said random and mundane things such as ‘he said this /did this’ or people on his team ‘he / she said xyz ‘ I’ve met some of his colleagues etc . All fine all ‘normal’

A while ago he mentioned’the new guy’ a few times which I thought absolutely nothing of. Then they were working on a project together so he had a couple of extra meetings and some calls and he would say for example ‘I just have to go and call the guy from work’ or talk about things and say he/him …..

We went out one evening a few weeks ago after work near to his office as id met him after work and bumped into some of his colleagues , one woman started chatting to him about the project he had said he had been working with the new ‘guy’ on. Dp went extremely weird and was just really acting odd. Clearly wanted to leave but enough had been said by that point for me to realise that the new ‘guy’ was actually this woman ???

On the way home I said ‘why did you tell me it was a man??!!’ He went ballistic saying it’s not a big deal. I said well it is - it’s weird !! He said it’s my problem and ‘everyone does it’ saying that actually I’m strange as I haven’t ?!! He was turning it round as if I have the problem for 1) having an issue with it ans asking and 2) that I’ve never done that ??!!

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 12/10/2023 19:05

He's gaslighting you, that's an ugly thing to do. Get rid

MsDogLady · 12/10/2023 19:06

@BigdealorNot, please don’t buy into his con that switching sexes when mentioning others is normal. That’s ludicrous! He is blatantly gaslighting you.

He clearly fancies and is infatuated with this woman, hence his lying, sneakiness, mentionitis, and defensive manipulation. For him, protecting his crush rates way above honesty and respect for you.

His lying and making a fool of you should be dealbreakers.

RuffledKestrel · 12/10/2023 19:09

I'd have totally blurted out "oh so your the new guy he's been telling me all about, lovely to meet you! " when she came over to talk to him.

But as others have suggested, I'd say he was/is/planned on a closer relationship with her.
The naming thing - same happened to me.
An ex used to rhyme off everyone they worked with by name except one who was "the new girl from the 3rd floor". I'm sure you can guess who their next relationship was with.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2023 19:10

Ugh. I’d find this extremely unappealing.

custardcream3 · 12/10/2023 19:10

If your husband started acting so oddly, how did the new girl react? If she seemed confused, it's all him with the idea of an affair in his head. If she acted normally, maybe she knew why he was being weird and was covering, was the coming straight over a bit of bluster to throw you off the scent?

IsThePopeCatholic · 12/10/2023 19:15

He fancies her. He got angry because she doesn’t fancy him.

Bluela18 · 12/10/2023 19:22

It's definitely very weird of him to say there was a new guy he was doing a project with when in fact it was female. And to turn it round to make it something you've done or it's you that's weird, yes gaslighting.

Lostcotter · 12/10/2023 19:26

IsThePopeCatholic · 12/10/2023 19:15

He fancies her. He got angry because she doesn’t fancy him.

I was literally just typing the same thing when I saw this. He fancies her and it’s not reciprocated.

I disagree with pp who asked if she’s bluffing - there’s no point trying to second guess if she’s putting on an “act” , you can only take certain things at face value and it appears she doesn’t have a clue. The issue is your partner.

The poor “new guy” woman most likely thinks your partner is a friendly new face in the office who is being super friendly.

one of the worst things about this is how he’s blatantly trying to gaslight you and making you second guess everything. You should call him out on this so he knows not to take you for a fool.

Cecilisacaterpillar · 12/10/2023 19:30

He's totally gaslighting you about it being normal to swap the sexes when talking about colleagues OP, no one does that so don't let him make you doubt your own mind. Personally (and everyone will have their own feelings on this) him having a bit of a crush wouldn't be a big deal for me, I trust my DH that a crush is where it would end and think it's fairly natural to find other people attractive, so long as you don't act on it or let it threaten your relationship.

But the lying, DARVO and gaslighting is very much a big deal and would be enough to have me considering whether I still wanted to be with him in your shoes OP, sorry Flowers

Jewelspun · 12/10/2023 19:38

Something very odd about him doing this!

No it's not at all normal his own reaction and being unpleasant confirms he is up to no good.

What the no good part is unclear.

Is it possible that he thought working on a joint project with a woman was somehow demeaning? So he told you it was a man?

whynotwhatknot · 12/10/2023 19:38

well its not normal unless youre hiding something

gaslighting fucker

PurpleBugz · 12/10/2023 19:53

Yup definitely gaslighting

itsmyp4rty · 12/10/2023 19:54

What a lying arsehole, he had it all set up to move smoothly into an affair with him (her!). He's now angry because you've caught him out and ruined all his plans. I bet he thought he was so fucking clever going on about the 'new guy' and you having no idea.

Honestly, please don't stay this is an emotionally abusive relationship where he is lying to you and gas lighting you to the point where you have to ask other people if you are over reacting because you're starting to doubt your own mind. I've been in a relationship like this and it is absolutely miserable, this is not a good guy, please leave and find someone honest and loyal.

SheilaFentiman · 12/10/2023 20:01

Yeah, if it was all innocent there would be a “ha, yeah, I can see why you thought the new guy was a bloke, her name’s Charlie so we take the piss a bit” or whatever rather than getting grumpy

UtterlyButterly2048 · 12/10/2023 20:06

Come on now op. You know this is utter bullshit. Time for a very serious conversation I think. He either fesses up or he fucks off. His choice….or yours actually if he cannot be honest?

Mmhmmn · 12/10/2023 20:21

Everyone doesn’t do that.
It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating though - if you’re a jealous type he might have just been trying to avoid hassle of suspicion and jealousy.
So it is weird but it’s only really weird if you’re not a jealous type. And if you don’t behave jealously, then it’s weird AND silly.

Mmhmmn · 12/10/2023 20:25

He’s definitely gaslighting in behaving like that though, saying you’re weird if you’ve never referred to a him as a her for no apparent reason. Liars don’t make great life partners.

strawberry2017 · 12/10/2023 20:45

It became an issue because he made it one. He's a wanker

Orio2023 · 12/10/2023 21:44

When a person lies so blatantly and arrogantly it’s because they’ve been doing it for a very long time. I doubt this is the first time you’ve caught him out lying. Same goes for him going ballistic. And the gaslighting.

I wouldn’t believe a word that came out of his mouth.

Wallywobbles · 13/10/2023 05:36

His reaction reminds me of when my ExH accused me of having an affair because he was. It made my head spin because it was so inexplicable.

Codlingmoths · 13/10/2023 05:42

That’s totally weird. I would not let him get away with this ridiculous pushback- tell him he can either stop bullshitting that it’s normal and explain why or you will be oh so innocently telling everyone you see about it in front of him and he can watch their faces as they think ‘ he’s having an affair’.

I’d also head out a few times over the next few weeks for coffee/a walk/a drink with ‘oh a girlfriend, someone new at work’ said pointedly. What can he say after all?!

TakeMe2Insanity · 13/10/2023 05:46

Hiddenvoice · 12/10/2023 18:32

If it wasn’t a big deal then he would have said she was female. My dh works with many colleagues and worked closed with many females, he just drops it into normal day to day conversation and it’s not big deal.

He is definitely gaslighting you. He’s hidden her and made it an issue which is the problem here. I’d think he’s hidden it for a reason.

This!

daisychain01 · 13/10/2023 05:48

He's blown your trust and tried to trick your instincts into doubting yourself.

only you can decide if it's a deal breaker, but the facts are the facts, he's a cheat and a liar, you can do better.

decionsdecisions62 · 13/10/2023 05:50

The poor woman is probably oblivious to all this drama between you two. He's being weird but it sounds like it's all him.

Susieb2023 · 13/10/2023 06:29

Sorry but he’s a gaslighting idiot who was out to cheat. He’s annoyed he got caught out and she’s doesn’t appear interested. He’s crossed a very serious line.

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