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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When do you stop doing things for your 18+ years children?

68 replies

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 11:11

I don't know where to draw the line.

My 18 year old ds is doing year 12 for the third time. He begged and begged for this chance.

We live abroad and it's an international school so some flex is available.

Previous two times, he didn't really attend. Various things affected him like his gf breaking up with him, his dad and I divorcing after his dad was adulterous and violent to me.

So third chance at it. He is academic. Has done very well at school when younger, smashed 11+ etc.

However, term has started. He's only turning up for 80% of lessons. I've latest had a telephone call about it. He gives lip service and says he will go.

I now have Covid. He's using this an excuse not to go in. He's not tested positive for Covid.

It actually enrages me. Pisses me off so much. I can't step away from it. Just watching him fuck up again and again.

I've started refusing to drive him anywhere. Not buying him the extra meat he wants for his body building.

It's like I am starting to detest him as a lazy, scrounging taker. And I just want him to leave him. Get a job. Stop leaving his mess everywhere.

OP posts:

octodrive · 12/10/2023 11:12

I haven't stopped and I will always help them but we are not in the same situation as you.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 12/10/2023 11:15

Time to stop helping him. He needs to make his own mistakes. You are right to stop buying special food and giving lifts

RubiesandRose · 12/10/2023 11:22

Still help my 23 year old and 25 year old if they need advice, a lift somewhere, if they aren't driving. In an emergency I'd be there for them in a heartbeat.

At age 18, I helped them sort out their applications/finances for Uni. Buying stuff to live away from home etc. The difference is they've always asked not assumed. Have generally tried to fix it themselves first before asking for help and are always grateful and appreciative.

If the above hadn't been the case I would have taken a massive step back.

Maybe be clear you don't like his attitude and lip service. He needs a plan in place for his future, don't try to fix stuff for him before he's taken responsibility for it himself. I would be very clear with him that's he's an adult now and what expectations you have and then sit strong. Let him fail, let him figure out the solution and only advise/help if he engages with you as an adult.

Good luck OP teenagers can be infuriating!

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 11:38

He's already failed. We spent the summer not knowing if he had a place at this new school. Said he was desperate to get in.

He just doesn't get up every morning. Doesn't study. Is outraged when I call him out for it.

I have helped and helped and helped him but he's just taking the piss over and over now.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 11:39

@RubiesandRose but would you continue helping your 20somethings if you felt they just were not doing anything for themselves and looking to you to sort it all for them?

OP posts:

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 11:40

Sorry. I'm just so angry with him. He takes me for a mug. He's a liar too.

He's a great person in many ways but it's time he just left.

OP posts:

shivawn · 12/10/2023 11:41

I can completely understand your frustration.

How do you think his headspace is mentally?

Quitelikeit · 12/10/2023 11:41

Just make it clear this is his last chance.

Don’t give him any funds.

Just because you paid for him to go to school this doesn’t mean you are supportive in reality. Try building a deeper bond with him and not let his attendance dominate your relationship together.

80pc is not too bad imo

Hbh17 · 12/10/2023 11:42

If you stop trying to bail him out, then that IS helping him, because it will hopefully make him grow up and start to take responsibility. It isn't "help" to do everything for someone else, and keep infantilising them.

Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 11:45

Well I'd be well and truly hitting the roof in your shoes.

If he doesn't go to college I'd not give him a single penny, he'd have no phone, no gym contract etc. Literally nothing on my dime. I would be demanding 100% attendance unless he was at deaths door (in my eyes, not his)

If he wants nice stuff he has to work for it.

And I wouldn't give a monkeys about mental health if he started up with all that shit either.

minipie · 12/10/2023 11:46

I think you continue to help your kids. Not write them off.

However I think drawing strong boundaries IS helping them in this sort of instance.

I agree with stopping driving him, buying meat etc. I’d be threatening to stop paying for phone etc too. I’d also be saying if he’s not going to college then he needs to get a job.

Surreyclaire · 12/10/2023 11:49

no
if you do they have no need to grow up

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 11:58

@Quitelikeit we get on very well normally until he starts missing school.

I encourage him. Spend time with him. Am positive. Take him where he wants to go.

80% attendance is not great at all in the first month of term especially when it will dwindles down to zero as it has done in the last two times he has attempted Year 12.

Then come the end of year, he starts bleating about how the school doesn't want him to come back for year 13 because of his appalling attendance.

OP posts:

RubiesandRose · 12/10/2023 12:04

@BlastedPimples no I wouldn't. I may tell them what they need to do to get back on track but then leave them to it, they have to learn by failing themselves and dealing with consequences.

From your perspective my approach would be, if you don't help yourself then neither will I. Layout expectations, ie he can't lay around at home all day without a plan for his future whether that's studying or working. Stop the lifts, the nice food, doing his washing until he steps up and does his bit.

Absolutely all much easier to say than do, but I think it's probably tough life time.

shivawn · 12/10/2023 12:05

I think this should be a case of 3 strikes and your out. You won't possibly be able to support him through this a 4th time so he needs to really really understand that this is his last chance.

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 12:11

I've told him it's his last chance. He nods all earnest etc.

I just need to make sure that any boundaries I now place are not through my intense irritation with him and are reasonable. Not spiteful. Although he perceives them as spiteful.

I told him in plenty of time last night that I would not be taking him to rugby. He could easily have got the bus. Instead I heard him on the phone telling his team mates he couldn't come because I refused to drive him.

OP posts:

PaintedEgg · 12/10/2023 12:28

There is a line between helping and enabling - if you were to keep "helping him" you'd only further enable his lifestyle that is not sustainable long term

I think it would be fair to say that he is NOT finishing school, so you can absolutely expect him to look for employment and move out...it would also probably motivate him to look into alternative training / education routes because jobs that don't require minimum education generally don't pay well

minipie · 12/10/2023 12:32

I think you’re doing the right thing.

Just make it very very clear that your refusal of eg lifts is a consequence of his non attendance. You are doing this because you are trying to help him become an independent adult one day.

So he can’t tell himself it’s just you being horrible.

Hangryhen · 12/10/2023 12:47

I do think it's a balancing act between supporting them into adulthood and enabling them not to mature; a balancing act that is hard to get right.
I think that gradually withdrawing some support from things that he can do independently, like getting to Rugby is a good idea because he will quickly need to either manage to keep the responsibility himself, or have to Stop playing because his team mates have had enough of him not showing up. He does ultimately need to learn to be responsible for himself, but it can take longer than their 18th birthday to reach maturity. For some people, especially young men, this is often their early twenties not their late teens, it's to do with the way the brain develops. 18 is just an arbitrary age, and doesn't take into account life experiences.
Do you think he might need some more support, maybe counselling, following everything that happened with his Dad? Sometimes when people are struggling to meet the expectations of their life stage, it's because they have something they need to resolve, like unprocessed life trauma. Hopefully if he can shift out of the child mode and into the adult mode of thinking regarding the divorce, this will also mean he starts to show more responsibility in other areas of his life.

I wouldn't kicking him out or anything for not going to college regality, but limiting his privileges seems very reasonable and not spiteful.

SapatSea · 12/10/2023 12:50

He is scapegoating you as it is easier to blame you for all his woes than face up to his own issues. He is probably also much more affected by the divorce and your ex being violent and adulterous than he realises and is rebelling or "acting out." He likely feels very angry, confused and hurt by it. You are his "safe" person so he can probably be more dismissive and rebellious around you and know he won't lose you than with his father. Perhaps some family therapy with you, so that you can discuss everything might help or even solo counselling so that he can explore why he is messing up his chances. It's a hard age - you desire adulthood but at the same time are frightened of not making the grade in terms of financial, academic and social success and want to stay in "childhood."

I know your DS is behaving badly at the moment but please don't start to dislike him - try and be compassionate - this is a small part of the rest of his life. Perhaps what he would really like is some time to heal from the years past when your H was violent and there was tension in the house. The adultery betrayed not only you but also your son.

Notimeforaname · 12/10/2023 12:58

He could easily have got the bus. Instead I heard him on the phone telling his team mates he couldn't come because I refused to drive him

Jesus 🙄 Yeah I would stop it all. Hes 18, he doesn't need his mammy for this stuff.
He is lazy and just suiting himself. He is still acting like a child.

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 13:03

I arranged for him to have a psychologist.

He went for four sessions and then said he didn't need to go anymore. He liked the psychologist, got on with him etc but just refused to go.

He also has no concept of time. Is utterly unable to plan getting ready. Is always always late.

OP posts:

RosesAndGin · 12/10/2023 13:03

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 12:11

I've told him it's his last chance. He nods all earnest etc.

I just need to make sure that any boundaries I now place are not through my intense irritation with him and are reasonable. Not spiteful. Although he perceives them as spiteful.

I'm sure his team mates are having a right laugh at him refusing to show up because mummy wouldn't drive him.
He needs to realise at his age that, whilst you are there to guide him shit has got real and he needs to be responsible for himself.
If he wants meat for bodybuilding then he better hurry up and get a job so he can pay for it!
I would ignore his attendance at college for now, explain one last time that if he doesn't go he will fail and that will be squarely on his shoulders.....when he fails and begs for another chance don't give him one.
He has to work it out for himself or you will end up with a 40 year old man baby expecting you to run around after him.

Notimeforaname · 12/10/2023 13:04

Just let go of all of these things that you do for him, tell him if he wants to do as he pleases all the time, then he must do that all the time. He has to get himself to and from anywhere he wants to go.

If you are happy to keep doing things for him and driving him around on the condition he goes to school, then make sure you absolutely do not give in and do anything for him, until he goes. If he does.

You can revisit it again after a certain amount of weeks/months.

Follow through with everything you tell him.

Notimeforaname · 12/10/2023 13:08

He also has no concept of time. Is utterly unable to plan getting ready. Is always always late.

At 18, that's totally his problem to fix, not yours.
If you are still waking him up and badgering him to get up, then it is exactly like when he was a little boy. He is not learnings to do to bu himself.

There needs to be change here, otherwise, soon he will be 25 and still relying on someone else to get him up for work

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