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Original poster

When do you stop doing things for your 18+ years children?

68 replies

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 11:11

I don't know where to draw the line.

My 18 year old ds is doing year 12 for the third time. He begged and begged for this chance.

We live abroad and it's an international school so some flex is available.

Previous two times, he didn't really attend. Various things affected him like his gf breaking up with him, his dad and I divorcing after his dad was adulterous and violent to me.

So third chance at it. He is academic. Has done very well at school when younger, smashed 11+ etc.

However, term has started. He's only turning up for 80% of lessons. I've latest had a telephone call about it. He gives lip service and says he will go.

I now have Covid. He's using this an excuse not to go in. He's not tested positive for Covid.

It actually enrages me. Pisses me off so much. I can't step away from it. Just watching him fuck up again and again.

I've started refusing to drive him anywhere. Not buying him the extra meat he wants for his body building.

It's like I am starting to detest him as a lazy, scrounging taker. And I just want him to leave him. Get a job. Stop leaving his mess everywhere.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 12/10/2023 20:49

Spending 2 years not attending, then expecting a 3rd year to be any different, well its just unlikely. He is probably scared about what to do and what comes next after year 12, and its about delaying any decisions and avoiding change rather than really being keen on it.
He's had a lot of change in the last 2 years. The way you describe the split sounds understandably bitter, so I'm going to guess that he witnessed a fair amount of vitriol between his parents?
Has he had any counselling? After what he's been through at the most sensitive age, he will need it, no point expecting him to just adapt and get on with it, the signs are that he is not able to himself.

Opentooffers · 12/10/2023 20:56

Just seen, so he didnt engage with his last psychologist. Maybe carrot and stick on that, he starts engaging or A-levels end and he faces the next step - job, aprentaship etc.

muchalover · 12/10/2023 20:57

I will always support my children. But, that doesn't mean doing things for them. They all did their own washing from 10 - yes it caused problems, it still does but the consequences aren't mine (ADHD is a massive issue with planning). They all cook and are expected to cook for everyone. They all do diy and car maintenance. They all garden.

They had had to work and contribute money from that (a third of their income).

But, they all have a say in decisions, I value their wisdom and advice. Financially we support each other even though we don't live together.

My aim was to raise adults not children.

Free2 · 12/10/2023 20:57

This is the best comment on this thread.

Free2 · 12/10/2023 20:58

Yocal · 12/10/2023 19:54

I've witnessed children who have experienced parental abandonment doing a lot of testing boundaries with the parent who is still around. I think they are subconsciously getting some reassurance from knowing you are still there - however bad they get.

If your son can address the abandonment fears first and foremost you might find his behaviour resolves. He needs to know you are stable and reliably there (no matter how old he is). If he is fearing abandonment all the time, he won't be able to thrive in his studies as he will be subconsciously doing things that reassure him you won't abandon him too.

This however doesn't mean you don't set your boundaries, but I would verbalise your boundaries with the prefix I love you, you are my son, I will always be your mother, but you need to understand your responsibilities and the consequences. You're an adult now and you have joined the adulting club.

Just my psychoanalysis on situations like this. Take it or leave it.

This

mathanxiety · 12/10/2023 21:06

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 13:03

I arranged for him to have a psychologist.

He went for four sessions and then said he didn't need to go anymore. He liked the psychologist, got on with him etc but just refused to go.

He also has no concept of time. Is utterly unable to plan getting ready. Is always always late.

This part amd the comment about mess sounds like undiagnosed attention deficit disorder and a large dollop of executive function issues.

Is there any way you could have him assessed? Does his school have an educational psychologist?

Is he taking any supplements or substances for the body building?

Gloriously · 12/10/2023 21:11

I agree @mathanxiety undiagnosed ND (ADHD) and / or complex PTSD - both have overlapping symptoms.

The risk is of addiction to then soothe the dysregulation and depression.

Loubelle70 · 12/10/2023 21:12

I think your DS is repeating going to school so he doesnt have to work. If this year is failing...have words. I did same with my daughter...if you won't go to college (uk) , dont think you are lazing in bed in a morning until afternoon, you're up to search for a job early doors...and she did (im strict.. always worked..wont put up with lazy). Shes now, ironically, a teacher 🤣

Patchworksack · 12/10/2023 21:13

Does he have any issues with executive function or any suspicion of inattentive ADD? Just reminded me of my bright middle son who has big issues with planning work and thinks he has a fecking teleporter to get to places. He is emotionally/developmentally several years behind his chronological age. The huge step up to Alevels and the self-starting required might be suddenly causing an issue?
But to answer the question once they are 18 and/or not in full time (actually attending) education then they need to support themselves. Surely school will kick him out by Christmas if attendance is so low without good reason?

Patchworksack · 12/10/2023 21:15

Great minds @mathanxiety …

Gloriously · 12/10/2023 21:16

Some people see lazy when others see unarticulated depression, despair, distress.

Have you yourself @BlastedPimples had professional emotional support for what you have been through?

iamenough2023 · 12/10/2023 21:25

Hello OP. I can see that you are frustrated and I am very sorry that you are feeling this way. Kids do push our buttons all the time and it is not easy. I always say that being a parent is the hardest job in the world. To answer your question, you can do whatever you want. It does not matter what everyone else thinks including your child. Totally up to you.

We are all different and, as you can see from the responses, all treat our kids differently. At this point you have to talk to yourself (or better yet, a counsellor) and see if you can figure out what you want and do not want and where you want to place boundaries. And then... you do it, and stick with it. Of course he is not going to like it; who would not much rather do whatever they wanted and still had a place to sleep and food to eat, but you have to do it. He is a young man who eventually has to grow up and be able to take care of himself. He has to learn consequences sooner rather than later.

Good luck!

GrazingSheep · 12/10/2023 21:29

Previous two times, he didn't really attend. Various things affected him like his gf breaking up with him, his dad and I divorcing after his dad was adulterous and violent to me.

Has he had any support with the situation regarding the domestic violence?

EveryOtherNameTaken · 12/10/2023 21:33

Is he taking steroids? He seems be able to concentrate on his body but no so much his education. It may be his way of having control over himself in what he can achieve.

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 21:34

@GrazingSheep hi yes. I arranged for him to see a psychologist and he refused to go again after four sessions.

I will investigate the executive function and ADHD mentioned.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 21:35

@EveryOtherNameTaken no. He's not taking any drugs. He competes in power lifting and they're tested because they're not allowed to take any enhancing drugs.

OP posts:

Lovesgreen · 12/10/2023 21:36

80pc is not too bad imo

Are you joking? My son attends 100% even with 3 hours sleep after celebrating his 18th birthday. We have always told him we will support him as long as he is giving 100% to his studies. We pay his phone, gym and bought him a car. He works weekends to earn his spending money and petrol. The moment he started slacking that would be it. They need a work ethic. In your situation op I would be firm but fair, he has had enough chances. It doesn't make you an unsupportive parent, it means you are giving him.a bit of tough love which sounds like what he needs.

Member589500 · 12/10/2023 21:41

I had a brother just like this and I have a friend with a son just like this.
My brother mooched at home unemployed and driving my parents mad until he was 27 then suddenly got a girlfriend and job and some enthusiasm. He’s a wonderful man now.
My friend’s son is now 24 and has done nothing since 3 years of failed retakes. Just stays in his room and games. He is a sweet lad but can’t stick to anything. Clever but unable to execute any tasks. I love my friend and really hope her son finds his way. Failure to launch she calls it!

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