I feel like I’m losing my husband

[Cyeo123]

We’ve been together since we were teenagers, in our thirties now, with DS age 3. We’ve always been very close. He has these meltdowns where he decides he’s had enough of me and everything. I remember the first one clearly, I think we’d been together a handful of years. He said im a misery and I make him miserable, I cried my eyes out, we were parked outside a restaurant and we still went in then he acted like nothing had happened. He has said this to me during every row/meltdown ever since. I’m not a bubbly person im fairly quiet. Since having DS things have been hard. We love our son but I don’t think we cope very well with him and his tantrums which are a daily occurrence. This affects our moods and also restricts what we can do and where we can go. Days out usually end in tears. We have very little support. Every time he decides to fall out with me he tells me he’s unhappy and regrets getting married. Still calling me a misery. I usually haven’t ever done anything wrong except maybe appeared “moody”. He just gets like this. It’s becoming a regular occurrence and it happened again last night but this time he’s talking about going to stop at a relatives for a few days which has got me worried. I love him so much and don’t want it to end but at the same time I’m aware that this keeps happening and sometimes I think I should accept that this is probably it. But then again only the other day he was saying how lucky he was to have me. Sex is still there but he definitely has a higher sex drive than me. I just feel like I’m walking round on egg shells. Maybe he’s just saying these things in the heat of the moment? But it’s the fact it’s the same things every single time. I am so confused. In some ways we are so so similar but then in some ways we are so different and it’s apparent the differences in personality do clash between us. I feel like it can be salvaged but I’m just waiting for it to happen again.

This is just bog-standard multigenerational cycle of abuse.

Your husband was raised by a man who openly shows he has zero respect for his wife, and by a woman who shows she has zero respect for herself by accepting this. Therefore your husband doesn't like nor respect his mother. Or any other woman. Hence his disrespectful behaviour towards you. Which you are putting up with just like his mother did.

Now there is a new generation getting to witness this play out again. And so the cycle continues.

now I’ve no idea if he’s an abuser or has BPD or depression

Regardless of the other two things OP, it's safe to say he's an abuser. He may be an abuser who suffers from depression but he's an abuser all the same.

His behaviour definitely goes in cycles.
I used to say to my work colleagues it was his time of the month.
ive been reading about BPD maybe some similarities but I’m not sure.
he’s never indicated that he’s scared of me leaving. Or has any dangerous habits that he does when upset.

This is ABUSE and you need to get away from this man - he has SERIOUS problems and this is a very unhealthy environment for your son to be in. Put yourself and your son first and leave this narcissistic dickhead as soon as you can. .

This.

It does not matter!! Tge end result is the same - walking on eggshells and misery for you and your child

You yourself have said that he rejected the suggestion of therapy. A PP summed it up succinctly:

quite often, people don’t want to seek help and have difficulty actually recognising that they need and would benefit from therapy or treatment.

It's his choice not to seek treatment. Equally you have a choice - but your child does not!

Choose freedom from this abuse, for both your sakes.

And I really urge you to read Lundy Bancroft's book. It is a classic for a reason

Doesn't really matter what his problem is, that's his deal. He is someone you need to protect yourself from. He'll probably just go on to find some other women to abuse. Let your heart stony cold on this loser

Please read up on covert narcissism- the total lack of empathy is a real red flag.

He told you you got your promotion because of him?! I highly doubt that...

I agree he sounds abusive. The relationship sounds like the boiled frog phenomenon.

This was me for almost 2 decades - before he finally wore me down and then left for someone else.

I'd get out if I were you. Honestly.

in regards to my promotion
i wasn’t handed it I asked for it out of desperation, he said if I don’t earn more money he’s out. So he says if it wasn’t for him pushing me I wouldn’t have bothered asking. Which is true.
he’s the breadwinner by far and at the time was feeling like he had too much responsibility on his shoulders and my prospects weren’t good enough

Also as a note, couple’s counselling is not recommended if abuse is present in the relationship, and from what I can gather from what you’ve mentioned of your husbands behaviour, there is every likelihood he would use the techniques within couples counselling as another means of manipulation against you. This is a him issue. He needs to want to help himself. In the meantime, you protect yourself - that probably means leaving, but have a think about it. Consider what your child is going to be exposed to as the years go on.

Children are relentless, it really is a labour of love and good parenting is centred around some level of self sacrifice (free time etc.). My ex too was very “it (his behaviour) will get better when…”, I got sick of it, always an excuse for the shitty behaviour. He is responsible for himself, but it’s easier to blame others.

It depends, could just be abusive in general and learned behavior from role models or a personality disorder.

For example, after over a decade of absolute insanity and hatred I've come to the conclusion I may be dealing with NPD. Only because the behavior has been consistent and aligns with covert narcissim perfectly, they've done it before in the past and to everyone in our lives, nobody has been spared. They've burned every bridge, I was the last.

It goes deeper than this which also aligns to NPD where multiple times and again now have reinvented themselves to align with new people. Has rewritten past, our shared past and twisted events to suit this new persona that has emerged. What happened didn't happen or happed in a different way to paint them as a victim, whereas the reality was they did everything to everyone else.

Mine was Jekyll and Hyde, one was intelligent and fairly nice but mainly around public. The other was batshit that ran on pure emotional responses without any logic and was pure hatred. As a whole, had no empathy, remorse, concept of consequence or foresight. Never apologized, wasn't in vocabulary and stated as such.

Don’t worry about getting too tied up as to what it is/could be exactly - that can only be diagnosed by a professional. Some people will say “why put a label on it?” but personally I found it liberating to be able to articulate exactly the kind of emotional and mental abuse I was enduring, to have names for the specific techniques and to have a name to put to the possible disorder, there was for once something that described why I felt confused, why I felt emotionally unsafe with them, why the good and bad cycles happened and why the arguments were so sudden and explosive, why the name calling was so vile and why I just never seemed to do the right thing or be good enough.

It’s not something you can fix, they need to want to help themselves. But he will unlikely seek it for himself. So you have to decide where your peace lies, with him or without him.

@Cyeo123
Please realize that you have found your way to an open internet forum. Much of the information and opinions provided to you are interesting and occasionally helpful. None of this should be taken as official, professional, or expert, legal or medical advice. No one can and should represent that they are making an accurate diagnosis of a person with whom they have never had an in-person appointment, meeting, or encounter. Even among professionals there can be disagreement about diagnosis.

Do not be moved by the frequently tossed around psychological terms that are bandied about like confetti at a parade.

If you want help, speak to a professional. Please do not join the ranks of arm chair therapist and Internet diagnosticians. You have a real concern, seek real help.

I’m not disagreeing but in this instance couples counselling for example would not be helpful and in some cases it can be worse for the victim as their abuser twists the advice and techniques.

There’s been plenty of victims who have spoken out about seeking professional help and found a counsellor almost condoning the abuse because they misunderstand the nature of it.

We sure are just a bunch of people on the internet, but we have endured this type of abuse - it helps at least to have others that recognise what OP is going through.

i bet he hardly dies anything to help you either?

a word on your son - he is three years old and they are such hard work at that age and stage - it does get easier and I’m not sure why he’s so bad that yous feel taking him out is off the cards - wear him out with walks on his reigns - a thirty min walk would achieve that and he’d have got a lot of energy out of his system

And honestly your relationship as everyone has said is in a lot of trouble

’marry a man you want your son to become’

because that’s who they become I’m afraid

but I feel like I need to make more effort to keep him happy.

Nope.
In the situation you are describing, it’s up to HIM to sort out another way to deal with his own feelings. You can’t make someone happy. You can’t iron out all the difficulties for them.
This is not a healthy way to dealing with problems.

OP, I feel for you. I lived through a similar relationship from age 23-46. The same cycles you describe. He would say such horrible things to me, and I never really got what I had done wrong except had this nagging feeling I could never love him enough. I felt not good enough - as a person, a wife, a lover, a mother. I was roundly criticised on all these fronts. I spent so much time crying, feeling cold hurt in the pit of my stomach. Other times he would be lovely, he always bought thoughtful and lovely presents, he would never be late or unreliable. But Jekyll and Hyde, yes. I just had this feeling there was something that wasn’t right and couldn’t be fixed but always kept hoping things would change, I’d manage to do all the things to keep him happy. He too often threatened to leave, said he regretted marrying me on numerous occasions.

And so it went on, the cycle. But the bad times got closer and closer together. And I don’t think I realised when I had actually stopped being in love with him. I just assumed I did love him. And then someone showed up in my life who was attractive to me and very different to my husband and I began to feel for him. The door was wide open because of the erosion of love caused by my husband’s harsh words. I didn’t have an affair, but my husband found out I had feelings for someone else, and everything disintegrated from there.

We are divorced now. I have no regrets. It took me around 1.5 years to be sure leaving was the right thing to do and I was in a trap of my own for a long time feeling I didn’t want to stay but didn’t want to leave.

I didn’t recognise him exactly in Lundy Bancroft’s book but there is another one called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans that spoke to me. He was definitely controlling though and ultimately I just felt stifled and trapped.

Sorry, long. Only you can make your judgement on your life and future. What I have come to believe from therapy and reading is that people’s upbringing can damage them and make them very difficult to be in a relationship with. And that’s very very hard to fix. You can’t fix it for someone else. I think my husband always believed he was right and I was the problem. I don’t think people necessarily intend to be abusive. But if they are, if the patterns they have and their own psychological makeup means that the way they treat you is abusive and hurtful to you, whether they intend it or not is irrelevant, because the damage is still done. In fact, if they don’t intend it that’s sort of worse because they don’t realise they are doing it - and then how can that be fixed, when really the only person who can even begin to fix it, is them?

Read women who love too much. It was an absolute eye opener for me.

My own marriage ended this summer. I wouldn't go so far as to say it was abusive. But it was toxic between us. Our child is autistic. Looking back now STBXH and I both suspect STBXH is too. We met when we were young and probably shouldn't have stayed together or had kids TBH. In hindsight my upbringing was chaotic and I probably put up with a lot of shit other people wouldn't have as a result. I always felt like I was the one who had to bend to what STBXH wanted. It reached a head after we had kids. I was at breaking point with carrying the weight of everyone and everything. While STBXH didn't give a shit.

Anyway. We split in July and I am already a million times more relaxed, happy and confident. I am gradually working on myself. STBXH is also happier because he can do what he wants without having to think about anyone else other than himself and the kids for all of two days a week.

There is nothing you can try harder at or be better at because the issue is in him and in the dynamic between you that you've been accepting/tolerating this. If it was something 'in' you then it would be consistent, he would be able to talk about it calmly and constructively and he'd be curious what needs of yours also might not be being met. You could tip toe on eggshells for weeks and then say something that doesn't sit quite right. We are human. Love is not about some imagined unachievable perfection. It's very relaxing when you don't have to live on eggshells any more :)

It doesn’t matter at this point why he does what he does, it is about how it makes you feel. And a couple of things you have posted make it sound like he has difficulty seeing you as separate from himself. This is unhealthy, very bad for you (when he wants to punish “himself”) and I think potentially dangerous.

You poor thing being told this so often. You do not deserve this. You are worth it. I think you sit him down and say you are destroying me bit by bit and I think it’s deliberate, given how often you say these awful awful things to me. I want you to pack a bag, so the next time you get in this mood and be this abusive asshole to me, I can tell you to take the bag and go and do not look back. I am worth a loving partner. I am worth love and caring. You are not giving me these, you use me as a punching bag.